calling from the next hotel, can you put me on the list

I always think of a sentence that is brilliant and powerful that express my thoughts perfectly, but then I ruin it with every single other word I put down. I wish I could remember my dreams, I should start writing them down. I should have a notepad right beside my bed, so whenever I get jolted awake I can scribble down anything, I wonder if anything would make sense? What if you could have a machine that could write down everything you were thinking about when you were sleeping? Everything I think about always seems perfect when it first pops into my head, and then I have to over analyze everything and refine it until there's nothing but scraps. I want to remember that I had a dream. I can never remember anything, too many other things cloud my mind. Sometimes I try to say whatever I think, but then something stops me from thinking, or I think about the thoughts before I write them down and I realize how stupid they are. I wonder how thoughts just spontaneously show up, how do I think about these things before I write them? What stimulates them? Why do I write this this this this this over again, why did I want to? Should I delete this part? I don't feel like it. Every thing's a question right now. Why is that? How is that? I want to write notes, I think I'm going to write some that need no replying, there is too much pressure to writing notes now. Maybe I put too much pressure on people. Take all the time you need. I could wait forever. I miss a lot of people. I wish I didn't try so hard, do I seem like I try too hard all the time? I think that it's too hard to stay connected with everybody. It's like you're attached to a whole bunch a strings, and when you have too many that are all over the place, they make it so you can't even move at all. Maybe sometimes you just have to cut some strings for a second to retie some other strings, and then you can attach yourself back to the other string. What if every thing is connected by invisible strings? Like spider webs. What if God is a spider? Is there a God? I never know anymore, I don't even think about it anymore. I don't think I ever believed in God, there are too many things to doubt. I'm a bad Christian. But if I don't believe in God, am I a Christian? Or am I a Catholic? I could never remember. But anyways. It always feels like I have to many commitments, too many promises to so many people to do things that aren't even said. I feel so guilty for not hanging out with the people I hung out with last year, they were so nice and they were there when I didn't have anybody. Maybe I should hang out with them sometime soon. But then I always feel like I have to hang out with my other friends. Maybe one day I should just eat alone. But I hate being lonely. Is it lonely if you decide to be alone? Sometimes I like being alone. I don't like being alone because I had to be. There's just been too much experience with that topic. I miss Heather. And I miss Abbey. I miss being the way I used to be, sometimes I just feel like the biggest jerk. Like when I sprayed Alyssa with the eyedroppers the other day, I'm sorry for that, I don't know I do stuff before I think and after I just feel like the biggest asshole ever. Am I an asshole? Nobody replies to my posts anymore. Are you reading this? If you are reading this I miss you so much, you can't even imagine. Sometimes I rack my brain thinking about all the things we used to do, and what changed. Why don't we spend class time talking? Have I changed? Do I change without even noticing? That was a problem before. Have you changed? I can't even tell. Do you know if the "you" is supposed to be you? Do I know? Did we run out of things to say to each other? Because if we have, I want to cry. I thought that we'd never, ever run out of things to say. That it was like a waterfall, and that things would just always keep coming. Maybe the spring at the top was always refilled with my tears? I've stopped feeling sad, that gets less and less lately. Maybe the spring is drying up, and that's why there's nothing flowing lately. Why is it easier to talk when something is wrong? Why is it boring to be happy? Over the span of the weekend I tried to tell someone the one thing that was troubling me, but I couldn't. I don't even know why. The words would be there, but then something wouldn't let me say it. My right hand is falling asleep right now, it's getting hard to type. I still like him, why is he still so nice to me? Why does it still seem like he has feelings for me? It's not fair. I should just be able to stop, so then I can stop thinking about him non stop, and so I can stop thinking all these terrible thoughts that have to do with breaking up, because it's not his fault, it's not her fault, it's my fault for getting to know him I guess. Maybe I'm just delusional and thinking that something is there when really there is nothing at all. I hate sounding like a clingy, emotional girl. I never liked it. I remember when I used to hate talking about how I felt, how everything had to be bottled up. I wish you were here so I could tell you everything I needed to, it seems like we never have the time or privacy to do so. The last time when we got overheard was a bit awkward. Maybe I did want her to hear, I don't know? I want to stop being busy, I want to start having time so you and I could use it. This Friday I'm free. That's the only day, please be free that day, please, either of you. Let's do some catching up, I don't like falling behind.

listening to: that's when the audience died - final fantasy