Last night, for my calm homework, I had to write a one page autobigoraphy about myself. And it turned itself into a three page ordeal, even when I changed the font size to 10. I really couldn't help it. For once I really wanted to write. It was as if I was finally admitting everything about myself; all of my flaws and mistakes, the things that make me happy, the people I love the most. I have been listening to a lot of The Dodos lately. Winter is a song that just relates to me so well.
"Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you by my side
I waited for you so long while I traveled far and wide
Convinced myself there's no one better, so how can I deny
Your love, it's like a thorn into my side."
I'm going to be brutally honest with myself right now, because hopefully it'll be the way to get all of these thoughts out of my mind. I don't care who is sick of me talking about all of this. This is my blog. I really don't care who reads this.
No matter how hard I try right now, my mind always seems to be on you. I really did love you, and now I'm so scared that I'll never feel this way about anyone else. Or that no one will feel this way about me. I see so many things that remind me of you, regardless of what it is. The bus ride past Nose Hill reminds me of when we went for a walk, and you piggybacked me through the grass so I wouldn't get tired. Watching The Simpsons in social studies brings me back to every single day we spent in your basement watching it, while I lay on your chest. And then no matter what, I seem to always remember every hug and every kiss we had. It drives me crazy; it is hurting me so much, but I don't ever want to forget any of it. I just wish that it didn't have to end.
Is it a bad thing that just seeing you still brightens up my day? Well it was like that until today, when it seemed like you ignored me. You still are a huge factor to my emotions, even though I don't want you to be. I am perfectly fine, until I am allowed to think and everything rushes back, like if it's destroyed the dam holding me together. I'm happy right now, but I still wish I was happy because I had you. I absolutely hate the fact that I lost you. I was not good enough for you. I knew that from the start, and yet I still thought maybe we could last for a while. You convinced me that we would last. I was hoping that we'd at least make it through the school year, because that's the way it felt like it was going to be. It felt like nothing was wrong, and that we fit together perfectly. Then you changed everything, and you broke a part of me so we're not the right shapes anymore. It's not fair. All of this pain you caused me is not fair, and yet I still just want you to be happy. Fuck me.
listening to: mini t.v.'s - chad vangaalen
"Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you by my side
I waited for you so long while I traveled far and wide
Convinced myself there's no one better, so how can I deny
Your love, it's like a thorn into my side."
I'm going to be brutally honest with myself right now, because hopefully it'll be the way to get all of these thoughts out of my mind. I don't care who is sick of me talking about all of this. This is my blog. I really don't care who reads this.
No matter how hard I try right now, my mind always seems to be on you. I really did love you, and now I'm so scared that I'll never feel this way about anyone else. Or that no one will feel this way about me. I see so many things that remind me of you, regardless of what it is. The bus ride past Nose Hill reminds me of when we went for a walk, and you piggybacked me through the grass so I wouldn't get tired. Watching The Simpsons in social studies brings me back to every single day we spent in your basement watching it, while I lay on your chest. And then no matter what, I seem to always remember every hug and every kiss we had. It drives me crazy; it is hurting me so much, but I don't ever want to forget any of it. I just wish that it didn't have to end.
Is it a bad thing that just seeing you still brightens up my day? Well it was like that until today, when it seemed like you ignored me. You still are a huge factor to my emotions, even though I don't want you to be. I am perfectly fine, until I am allowed to think and everything rushes back, like if it's destroyed the dam holding me together. I'm happy right now, but I still wish I was happy because I had you. I absolutely hate the fact that I lost you. I was not good enough for you. I knew that from the start, and yet I still thought maybe we could last for a while. You convinced me that we would last. I was hoping that we'd at least make it through the school year, because that's the way it felt like it was going to be. It felt like nothing was wrong, and that we fit together perfectly. Then you changed everything, and you broke a part of me so we're not the right shapes anymore. It's not fair. All of this pain you caused me is not fair, and yet I still just want you to be happy. Fuck me.
listening to: mini t.v.'s - chad vangaalen
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