i don't know

Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep for the second time, my sister said something extremely rude to me. I was so angry I cried, and I couldn't stop crying and my blanket and pillow were soaked and the right side of my chest hurt.

please please me

Every day I feel like I know less and less people.

It feels weird to go to one class and then play cards at Mac Hall for an hour and a half after. So much wasted time. I really don't have much to do, though, so I'm not going to feel guilty.

listening to: get back - the beatles

the way i see it

Sometimes I wish my heart would just explode so I wouldn't have to deal with all these feelings anymore. I am still in love with you but I don't want to be! I don't want to care about you anymore, because you don't care about me. I'm in the worst bind, between wanting to see you all the time, or wanting to completely ignore you. Most of the time I choose the latter, because that's just the way I am. I am so sick of being reminded of how good we used to be, but when you told me you thought those letters were incredible, that made me feel good about myself. Stop confusing me! Stop making this all so much harder!

You made your choice a year and three months ago. You can't expect me to be the same person I was way back then. I'm trying harder and harder not to care if you miss me or not, because you let me go. You didn't want me! And now I don't want you.

supersonic

I still think about you all the time, I still love you. Those words still feel so real.

sick

I remember a time when I used to have to refrain from blogging more than once a day. Now I'm struggling to blog once a month. But this is the time when I need to remember what's going on! This is the prime of my life ... I think. It feels like it should be. Nobody really uses Blogger, though. Maybe I need an audience because really, even though I'm just so super self conscious, sometimes I just like attention. I'm pretty hypocritical. I think about these things in my mind, about the kind of people annoy me and then I realize that these people are me, from a previous time. I'm growing up and away, and I don't know how I feel about this. I miss when I used to have thoughts just flowing through my mind all the time. Now I'm just lazy. Lazy and tired. I told myself that I'd go to bed at 10:30 tonight because I always stay up way too late to be alright for school the next day, but it never happens. Well I am going to write this and then go to bed.

I'm just going to do a short recap of what's been going on: I went to Final Fantasy last night, I was a little skeptical about going because I already saw him in June and I'm sick and I'm really, really busy this week but then the thought that it was FINAL FANTASY overruled. And thank goodness, he was absolutely amazing. He's the kind of guy who you need to stare at, because he is so beautiful, and because his sound is so beautiful, and the fact that he's doing a million and one things at once up on that stage just leaves you in so much awe. I can't wait for his new album, it is going to be so great. All of his songs are fantastic. Umm besides that I went to the clinic today to get diagnosed with a bad cold, which is good because at least it's only a bad cold, but bad because it's a bad cold. Sometimes I think colds are the worst because all you can do really is wait it out while you have a stuffy nose and a sore throat. And that's just the worst because it is so freaking uncomfortable. I didn't go to school today. I just sat at my desk with my blanket and studied, which is good because I actually think I got a lot more done than if I went to my classes. Except hopefully I'm not too far behind in math. Things I did today: one chapter for archaeology, calculus review, most of my linear algebra questions, and just the slightest bit of studying for anthropology. Then I called it a day and watched all of my TV shows. I'm hoping that this one day of rest was good for me, seeing as I've been busy every single other day and my weekends aren't really weekends anymore .. well they are but I'm not at home and I'm still super busy and stressed. Golf is sucking right now. Well the people aren't but my game is. It's really frustrating. I need to get better or I'm just going to be really depressed. Um but yeah I just want to get better so that I at least do not feel like uttermost crap in Idaho, and I don't cause every single one of my teammates to catch my cold. We're sharing a bus for eight hours, you know.

So yeah .. 10:36. I guess I'll go to bed. The things on my to-do list feel like they are never getting checked off. Like if I'm always doing work but it's never going away. I guess I just got to keep my head down and grind it out. I need to work hard. I need to earn this.

I think life is good?

listening to: took you two years to win my heart - final fantasy

it always hurts

You say you've been waiting to hang out with me all summer, but you have a girlfriend and I'm really nobody. Plus, you don't even remember when my birthday is and that was the last time you really loved me (well this might not even be true) before you broke my heart. I call bullshit.

just because

I deleted over two hundreds friends because hardly know most of them, or never communicate with them on Facebook, deleted countless of statuses because they now sounded stupid, deleted over forty videos and hundreds of photo albums because they are irrelevant and redundant and there are just too many

and because my sisters told me that it makes me seem obnoxious.

i just want to be over

you.

there's only a week left of school

I want to do one more issue of The Iconographer, and we gotta iron t-shirts and have a chem AP party still.  Man am I over my head.

Uhhhh I'm feeling good these past couple of days, mood swings are weird.  I got my film fest poster framed and presented to me the other day in front of my calculus class, and I went to my last girls' rugby game.  It's too bad they didn't win.  My design for the Calgary Film Festival's Youth By Youth Cinema got printed and I like it.  I finished my design for the Sled Island poster contest and now I just have to take a picture of it.  It's snowing so it's not likely that I will be able to go golfing.  Gavin and I took the train home together and it wasn't awkward.  What a strange week.

listening to:  breaking my heart again - aqualung

incredibly close

I feel so frustrated today, like if I am trapped inside myself.  I don't feel close to anyone.  I feel alone and lonely and tired and I wish that my friends would have told me that they were going hiking instead of canoeing.  I hate being left out.  I hate missing things, like inside jokes and laughs and car rides.  I just feel detached from everything and everyone.

listening to:  never turn your back on mother earth - neko case

one huge void

I am at this point in my life where I should be happy.  Nothing bad is happening and yet it feels like there is a huge part of me missing.  It is like when I forget what I was going to say .. it just isn't even registered in my brain and it just bugs me.  I feel so broken and jagged but there is no reason!  I've been having dreams where I have been in car accidents and I am distancing myself while trying always to get closer.

Maybe I'm just not happy with myself.

listening to:  signs - bloc party

what makes you think it's going to last

All my feelings have seemed to dry up, and all that is left is an empty resevoir.  All of the hurt is gone, I guess.  Or it occurs in sharp pangs, lasting only minutes before I forget all about it.  I'm happy!  I only find distaste in English, when she piles not one, but two projects to be done for the unit we are about to do.  There's not too long until grad.  Not long until this stress will all be gone, washed away for the summer and forgotten until the fall.

Here's to looking ahead!  My goals for the upcoming months:

1) Start running every day (after the snow has melted).  2) Try to keep this 90 in English (although that seems like it won't happen).  3) Own my chem AP exam (and then it will be all over!).  4)  Get my math mark above 90.  5) Practice driving/get better at it.  6) Qualify for nationals (golf in New Brunswick = amazing).  

listening to:  everybody broke me up - kevin drew

the pure, simple truth:

I still think about you at least once every single day.  It has been seven months and I am still waiting for absolutely nothing.  I try to stay as realistic as possible, but once in a while, I'll get a tiny fleet of hope that I'll try to stamp out, but will linger in my mind anyways.

It doesn't hurt the way it used to, and I don't ever cry about it anymore, but yeah I still miss you.  I miss your hands and eyes and your love.  Sometimes I spend my time wondering what I did wrong, what I could've said to maybe change your mind.  There are so many regrets and so many scorched pieces of memory that I wish I could've changed.  Why is it that I am only seventeen and already I wish I had done my life differently?  I keep thinking, if I was prettier, or smarter, or cooler, or charismatic, maybe you'd be as much in love with me as I am you.  I hate admitting this fact that I still love you, but it's a feeling that will never, ever go away.  There's always a minute of my day where I wonder if you still have this feeling hidden somewhere too.

middle cyclone

My day was not good.  I actually broke into tears at one point.  There is that constant feeling of panic, and it feels like I am hurtling into barriers at such great speed that I don't realize the pain until I take a second and stop, and truly feel the full impact.  My body has been trembling uncontrollably at times; the other night I woke up to feel my body convulsing and unable to stop.  When is everything going to stop?  I can't wait to escape, to get away and forget about life just for eleven days, at least.  I can't cope.  My day did not feel good because none of my days have been feeling good.

But I am listening to Neko Case, and things feel okay.

listening to:  fever - neko case

i'll take my chances on you

Do you ever get that feeling when you're in pain but you like it anyways?  Like when you have that fresh bruise on your knee, and you constantly lean against it or press it just to feel how much it hurts?  I guess that's the way you have to accept emotional pain.  Because the way I see it, the only way you can truly hurt from somebody is if you truly loved them.  If you never cared, what loss is it to you?  You may feel bad for not quite being the person they wanted, but you never experience that blinding, throbbing pain that never quite goes away.  The kind that keeps you up at night and makes you wonder where you went wrong.  If you didn't love someone, they would never be able to break your heart simply because you never gave it to them in the first place.

I guess I've been thinking about this stuff more and more lately.  I'll admit, these days I'm on the verge of giving up on everything.  I am stressed out and I'm back to square one where I really need a good cry.  There are a lot of times when the past comes up and I realize how much I miss it.  I am so immature that I can't cope with this.  I am always racking my brain, trying to figure out what I did wrong that would make me undesireable. 

But I'm still trying to remind myself of the positive side to all of this.  Before last June, I was afraid to love anyone.  I was afraid of this kind of hurt, of heartbreak and depending so much on somebody to make you happy.  But then it happened, and those past three months were honestly the three best months of my life.  There is no better feeling than investing your love in someone and having it returned.  It was amazing to experience, regardless of the fact that it ended.  I also think of the fact that even if I didn't go for it, if we didn't go through with all of this .. I'd still be in some sort of bind where I'd have a terrible crush on him and be left with this sort of want and longing.  This pain is just a reminder that I loved.  And what is a life where you don't get hurt at least once?

everybody broke me up

It's been an interesting week.  Christmas was absolutely great; I spent it with my relatives, and my cousins and I played pick up sticks and cards all evening.  I love hanging out with my cousins, especially when we all just have fun and play games like this.  It's like if we're kids all over again, at someone's 8th birthday party where we'd all sit around and just play Uno, or Big Two.  It's fun to bond with them.

I worked Boxing Day, and it was busy and not bad.  That night I went to Jade's apartment, and we stayed up all night watching I Am Legend, Tropic Thunder, Gossip Girl, and Arrested Development with Maggie and Jacqui.  It was ridiculous.  We ate so much junk food, and tried so hard to stay up all night but everyone fell asleep.  I pretty much passed out at 5:30.  We woke up at 9:00 the next morning, which was stupid but Jacqui had to go out for lunch that day so we just hung around and then ate breakfast.  

That night I stayed up with my sisters watching Gossip Girl.  We had made it until the middle of the second season until we finally decided to go to sleep.  We finished the rest of the season the next day.  We pretty much stayed in my room until dinner time watching Gossip Girl.  It was sad yet awesome at the same time.

Today I went to my cousin's house with my two cousins and my sister for lunch, which was really good.  I got to meet her dog, who scared me a bit because he is really energetic and apparently likes to hump people's legs.  A lot.  But he loved me and didn't violate me at all.  We watched Sex and the City before we had to go, which was pretty funny because my cousins didn't let me watch any of the sex scenes (since I was the youngest of us five).  After that, I went to Jessica's house to watch Superbad with her and Brittany.  I stayed at her house for dinner, until my dad had to come pick me up at the only time he could.  I spent the next two hours at a junior hockey team.  I had my camera with me, so I just snapped hundreds of pictures and it was actually really fun.

For a short period of time, I felt really alone and I really missed what I used to have.  I'm getting over that again.  I guess I've realized that I'm starting to forget what I felt, and that scares me.  I never thought I'd lose that feeling.  I guess it's alright; I mean, I should let go of these things in order to move on.  It's just that that feeling was so incredible, so amazing that I don't want to let it go. I guess I'm just going to have to be patient and wait for that feeling to come back.  Hopefully, the next time it will be more brilliant and last forever.

i'm so tired of being lonely

I guess my ex-boyfriend gets a category of his own, only because he had such a huge impact on my life. I’ve never really talked about this to anyone, because I hate sounding like a giddy girl who doesn’t care about anything else, but for some reason I find writing this here safe. For some reason, I feel like I need to write this out. Have you ever wished that someone would ask you what you were thinking? Because if someone ever asked me that, instead of “what’s up?” or “how are you?”, then I’d tell them that I was thinking about him, all the time. Even now, it’s still like that, and that is the reason why he is such an important part of my life. He broke up with me a couple weeks ago, with the reason that he didn’t want a relationship, and that right now was not the right time. We only dated for three months, but it felt like we just had a longer relationship, except condensed. I spent almost every day I could with him, and I believe that I loved him. I have only ever dated two people in my life, and so nothing compared to the way I felt about him. We talked every day. I told him all of my secrets, my thoughts, and my feelings. I loved being around him all the time, just to hear his voice, or feel his touch. I couldn’t see myself without him. One day, when I did doubt our relationship, he told me not to doubt him, and that he loved me, and that we’d be together for a long time. But here we are now, separate. I never saw this coming, and it hurts so much. I guess a part of life is adjusting, and I should accept this loss and move on, and so right now I am trying as hard as I can to be happy. Another characteristic about me is that I tend to hide things on the inside. I don’t trust people enough to tell them how I feel; he was the only exception. Now, I work so hard to act like I’m okay, even though on the inside it really doesn’t feel that way. Another way this event has affected me is that it has made me so extremely self-conscious. Every day, I start thinking about the reasons why he could have done this to me, and then I start thinking of all my flaws, and it justifies his actions.

I wrote this on September 23, as part of my autobiography in CALM.  It's all still true.  I'm sorry this blog has turned into this.

so for the rest of my life i'm going to search for someone just like you

I've been thinking over this so much, to the point where I'm losing so much sleep and I'm constantly finding tears in my eyes.  I honestly don't want to feel like this, I want to move on and be consistently happy.  I want to stop thinking about you all the time.  I want to stop wondering what you're thinking, or if you still want to be my friend, or if you're just so weirded out about all of this.  I got a honesty box message with words that are just so true, but I don't know how to tell anyone about this.  It is just so much easier to write this without worrying about any immediate judgement.  Why do I trust this so much more than an actual friend?  It just feels like even I don't completely understand what I'm feeling, and so I highly doubt anyone else will be able to tell me anything that will make me feel better.  Actually, one person probably could, but those words will never ever be spoken.

I don't know how to move on.  I don't know how to rid myself of everything single memory that I have with you, and all of the feelings that I used to have.  You convinced me of so many things.  I believed so many things you said, and then you went back on your word.  That's part of the pain.  But there's so much to it.  Now that there's so much space between us, I continuously wonder if you ever loved me at all.  I always wonder how you could get over me so fast.  If I was just like any of the other girls you went out with.  If I ever meant that much to you.

I will never hate you.  But I hate the fact that you didn't feel the way I ever felt about you, and how you never will.  I hate the fact that I wasn't worth holding on to.

And that's what hurts the most.

the buildup lasted for days, lasted for weeks

What does facing disappointment feel like?

My hands are cold as ice. My legs are shaking, my heart is trying to slow down from anticipation. I can hear the dry sobbing in my mind. It's almost like heartbreak all over again. And I haven't even hit this disappointment yet for sure.

You didn't tell me your answer, and that's not fair. Please talk to me.

edit.

Disappointment did come. But at least it came with some relief. I don't regret telling you because I've been needing to tell you anyways. If you're moving on, I'm moving on.

It didn't stop me from crying while you said goodbye, though.

listening to: willow tree - chad vangaalen

you gotta make mistakes, you're young

I never know why I always answer "fine" when asked how I'm feeling.  I don't feel anything but fine.  I feel uneasy, restless, tired, sad.  There are so many things other than "fine" that I'm feeling, but I have no need to feel these things.  All signs lead to fine, but I'm not.  I'm not fine.

Everything's such a contradiction now.  I want to hang out with people, but I want to be alone.  I want more time, but I want the days to go by faster.  I'm so happy, but with the most crippling feeling of dispair that sometimes it blinds me and I can't see anything but the wrong.  I feel like I know the things I should know, yet it never shows itself on tests.  I am such a huge hypocrite.  My mind wages battle on itself, coming up with ideas and plans and then going back on them and acting in a completely opposite way.  I want somebody to know and understand but I don't want to tell anyone about my problems.  My mind has created its own artifical drought, and my supply of thoughts has been cut off.  I'm choking.  And this is all wrong.  I keep telling myself that life is good, yet I don't see any good.  I am a waste of so much.  I feel so unneeded in disregarded by everyone, like I'm an accessory that's worn only when needed to highlight something else.  And there's nobody who knows me enough to know that I'm not fine.  It feels like all of this self-loathing is written on my face, and echoing from inside my mind, but nobody's reading hard enough; nobody's quiet enough to listen.  I am such an awful person.  It almost feels like I'm trying to conjure up more and more problems to weigh me down, but I'm not; it's like if an atomic bomb was dropped into my mind, immediately destroying everything in sight, and then seeping into everything else, slowing creating dangerous effects that grow after time.  This is the worst feeling.   I need to get out of my mind, or figure out what's wrong.  I need to fix myself.