does it really matter why i love you

Last night I dreamed that we were at a party, and we were doing everything we always did. Our conversations were ones we would have, our actions, our decisions. Everything seemed like you were there, until I woke up and you weren't.

It was weird. Even though you were with me, it felt like I was watching everything from afar. I didn't get to experience your touch, or your warmth, I just observed and tried to remember how it felt.

I think my brain misses you.

Other than while I'm sleeping, I've been actually pretty busy. On Thursday, the day Gavin left, I played golf in the morning and then went to Brittany's in the evening for a bonfire. It was really fun. We spent a long time trying to start the fire, and just being around Brittany is an amazing environment. Being with Rae and Elliot was ridiculously fun, too.

I golfed with my friend on Friday, and I played my best round. It definitely could've been better, but I'm not complaining. My swing felt so much better. We were still golfing after the sun had set, so the last hole was so hard to play, because we could barely see anything.

I worked today, and it was alright. There's a new contest where the person who can get the most people signed up for Leaderboard wins a $100 gift certificate to any store or mall they want. And that is a pretty great prize. I want it, but the other girl I worked with today was super good at getting people to sign up, and completely destroyed me today. I think I'll go for the second prize, the draw for the $50 gift certificate.

and tell us how to feel inside

I stayed up until three last night talking to Gavin because he left this morning to go sailing with his family. We had a good talk, which got a little scary for me, but he reassured me and I was just being paranoid, and really, there's nothing to be worried about. We are safe.

I am extremely exhausted now. I thought that I wasn't playing golf this morning, so it would be okay for me to stay up late, but then my dad woke me and told me I had to go, which made me really cranky. I had a terrible front nine, but then the girl I played with left to go practice and I played with Laura and Shannon. They are so absolutely hilarious. At one point, Laura complained that the ball wasn't going to go anywhere because of the wind, and when she swung, she hit the ground way before the ball and completely missed the ball. It was the best moment of the round. It was really hot and we all got really tired, and now I'm glad that I'm not golfing. Hopefully later I'm going to Brittany's house, which will be a fun time!

can you be my dream, i could have you every night

Somehow things worked out, and I managed to see Gavin earlier than six today. We went out disc golfing, which I am terrible at, but Gavin was patient and tried to help me out. Eventually some things worked and it wasn't as terrible to play. We played 18 holes, the nine holes over again, before heading back to his house for dinner. As we drove home, we passed under a cloud that poured rain, and in the mirror we could see blue skies behind us.

After dinner, we decided to do some recording. We made up a chorus to go with a song he wrote a long time ago. We took a long time setting things up because .. things kept getting in the way. I love distractions. After an hour, we finally got everything done. We went out after to watch the sun set, and it was absolutely beautiful.

I can't believe how much I'm in love with you. I can't see me without you. Nothing is as familiar as your heartbeat, nowhere is as at home as in your arms, no song rings a bell like the rise and fall of your voice. You are the candle in the dark, the brightest star in the sky, the one I dream about, the only person I ever want kissing me because I just love kissing you.

don't say you feel the same way too

It's remarkable, how you can tell that I'm feeling disconnected just by the way I reply. It feels like there's so much distance between us right now, like if we're trying to talk through a wall with styrofoam filling the inside. I just want to punch through the wall, and feel your warmth in mine.

I feel sad, and terrible right now, and I'm almost hoping that you'll make it all go away, but you can't read my mind. And I understand that. I want to be with you as soon as possible.

*edit: he did.

listening to: m79 - vampire weekend

i love you more

I love golf so much more this year! Honestly, it feels like there's been such a difference from last year, just from getting more serious about it and joining a club. Being able to go to the driving range whenever, or book a round of golf and just head out a couple hours later. Having friends to play with and being able to relax and have fun.

So far this year, my handicap has gone from 25.4 to 16.3. I've broken 100 and 90. I've won a tournament and have come close to winning another. I'm playing in the tour championship. Yesterday I shot a career-best score: 86. And I want to go lower.

listening to: my moon my man - feist