heat her up, set her on fire (i love to see that spark in her eyes)

Man, I used to write okay before.

Maybe today I'll bake cookies with Cailey, or get my credit card, or read a book, or play Rock Band with my brother. I wish someone would ask me to hang out for once, it's always the other way around. I could be a hermit.

Last night I had a dream that I had to go to social studies, and my grade four teacher was teaching. It took me so long to find the classroom, and when I got there everyone I knew but weren't really friends with were in that class, and I had to squeeze myself between two people with a desk that wasn't really a desk but a piece of foam.

listening to: starlight - muse

weird stuff

I've been having weird dreams lately. Well, I don't really think they're dreams .. they are more like conversations with people that parallel reality but aren't actually true. I had a conversation with Cailey via text messages, even though a) my phone wasn't turned on and b) I was sleeping. I think she was apologizing for not replying to my text the pervious night. Another dream I had was that I didn't win the photo contest that Michael Bernard Fitzgerald had, and that some guy with a lame photo won instead. Except that he wasn't announcing winners until this evening, and this dream took place this morning. Seriously, brain, what's going on? Is it all the studying? I'm actually doing some, which is a relief because if midterms taught me anything, it's that I procrastinate A LOT and even when I think I'm doing lots, I'm doing nothing. I actually set myself up this time around so I can't access any website that would promote my procrastinating, which has lead to countless hours of studying. Yes! This thought is so run on, but that might be because it's 12:32 am. Also, I tend to think in this way. I had my computer science final this evening, and I really hope it went alright. I didn't have any time to check over because I had just managed to finish writing my program for the second written question. Which I did wrong! Which I didn't really know what I was doing and kinda just wrote something that made sense in my mind but might not make sense in real life! Agh! Computer science is such a hard test to write because over the year you get so use to writing all of your scripts on your computer, and so it catches all of your errors. When you write the actual exam, though, you have to make your brain the computer and process it. Which makes figuring out stuff like recursion hard! And syntax stuff! And even simple math makes me nervous! I just hope that the bell curve really plays on my side, and that I pass this course. If I was really setting my goals up high, I would hope for an A- but that is pretty lofty. I am hoping for A-'s in calc and anthropology, though. And maybe math 211. They are pretty doable. I need: an 85 on my calc final, a 90 on my anthro, and probably an 85 on my linear algebra exam. This weekend is going to be hardcore! Non-stop studying for two subjects at once, and then a three hour review session at the university to hopefully help me understand what the heck is going on with derivatives and integration! Because honestly, even though I understood it all no problem last year, my professor likes to take crazy numbers and transform them like nothin' cause it somehow works! And I don't know why! So hopefully this helps me out. I scraped a 72 on my calc midterm with pretty much no studying, so I feel like 85 is attainable. Nay, 90 is attainable! I'm going to ace this stinkin' test! There are a lot of exclamation points going on in this ridiculously long, run on paragraph. Anyway. I also need to maximize my studying tomorrow (which is actually today, because it is 12:39 am .. seriously. I am bad at going to bed early.) because on Sunday, I'm going to go have tea with Mikalina and Michael Bernard Fitzgerald. Because I did win that photo contest! Well, top five. I wonder how many people actually entered that contest ... actually no I don't. Well I do. I'm also wondering if the other winners will be in on this tea date too, because that'd be weird. Also, I am nervous for this encounter. I'm bad at not being awkward, and I'm scared of awkward situations. What is going to happen?! I don't know! I hope that I am charming and I present myself in a non-stupid manner. Maybe we will become friends! That would be fun. I feel bad for not owning any of his CDs .. his concert back at the beginning of the month was really good though! Hmm hmm hmm. Anyway. This is a sad excuse for an update on this blog that I now forget to update. Remember when I used to blog excessively? Nah, you don't. Back then there were two people who always read this blog! Now there are zero!

listening to: gold guns girls - metric

one huge void

I am at this point in my life where I should be happy.  Nothing bad is happening and yet it feels like there is a huge part of me missing.  It is like when I forget what I was going to say .. it just isn't even registered in my brain and it just bugs me.  I feel so broken and jagged but there is no reason!  I've been having dreams where I have been in car accidents and I am distancing myself while trying always to get closer.

Maybe I'm just not happy with myself.

listening to:  signs - bloc party

"i hope you choke on the way home!"

I had the strangest dream last night, it was just so ridiculous and weird that I can't even comprehend it.  It started out at school, although it wasn't like Aberhart, it was somewhere with a basement and small lockers.  For some reason I stopped hanging out with all of my friends, and started dating this person I am definitely not supposed to be with.  Although in my dream, he made me very happy.  And then I realized that HE'S MARRIED.  So somehow the scene changes into this weird surreal track, and we're roller skating.  The whole time he is holding on to me, and I'm braking the entire time we're going down the track even though in reality I do know how to roller skate.  His wife shows up, but he just tells her that he's simply helping me out because I can't roller skate.  As she passes by he tells me that we've gone through six levels, and there's only one left and I have to defeat her in order for us to be together.  At first I don't get it, but then at the end of the track there's this boxing ring and we both go into it.  His wife starts decking me out, and I just remember these flies swarming this latex mask I'm wearing and I am really freaked out about flies.  She is kicking my ass, but he keeps telling me not to give up.  I take off my mask and flip it inside out to trap all of the flies.  I start heading towards her with the mask of flies, but right before I could find out what happened, my alarm started ringing and my mom came into my room, all at the same time.  It was so, so bizarre.

listening to:  humans - islands

i'm seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

Two nights ago, I had a dream with so many parts that are blurry, I remember just one bit:  I was walking, presumably in a mall, by a rail when you came up beside me.  I put my arm around your waist, and suddenly you put yours around mine, and told me that you thought that we should try again.  I've never had something in a dream feel so real, but I remember how warm your hand was, and how comfortable and natural it was.  But a dream is just a dream, and it's nothing but wistful thoughts.  

Yesterday was the first day I've gone out with my friends and done something in a long time.  Megan and I went to Art Central right after school, and we visited the majority of the stores in there.  My favorite is still Uppercase.  After, we were about to exit when we discovered that there was a roof park.  So we went up there and got a great view of the c-trains, the streets, and the Calgary Tower.  After that, we decided to walk to TD without going outside, which required going a long way around using the +15 walkways.  On our way, we ran into Stephanie N, Jenny, and Stephanie D, and we decided to race to TD because we were going opposite ways.  They won, because Megan and I accidentally went the wrong way once.

After we got to TD, we went straight to the train and headed back to Megan's house for dinner.  We watched the beginning of Get Smart with her sister and her friends, and then we headed to the theatre to watch Quantam of Solace with Kevin and Gavin.  It turned out that the show we wanted to catch was sold out, so we went to Paul's house and hung out there for a while.  We watched Tokyo Drift in weird colours.  After that, we dropped Megan off at Crowfoot and went to Stephanie D's house to watch a movie.  We went down to her super nice house and played pool and Rock Band.  Finally, at like ten, we started watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  I am such a chicken when it comes to horror flicks.  The whole time, I was hiding under my pillow beside Kevin, who is pretty scared of horror movies too.  It was pretty fun.  Gavin kept trying to take the pillow away and make me watch, but I hate seeing people get their body parts destroyed.  At least I actually watched most of the movie.  And I didn't get any nightmares!

i hope that he keeps you up for weeks like you did to me

I had a really vivid dream last night that I actually thought was real, except for some unknown reason I woke up and of course I never got to finish it.  Anyways, it was three in the morning at that time, and I decided to type it all out on my iPod so I wouldn't forget it.  So, here it is, transcribed by my half-awake mind:

"The whole dream takes place at night.  I am home alone in my house, in my mom's room when some random boy comes in with a bunch of plates.  We both hide beside a drawer against the wall.  A police officer comes in and searches, the kid moves from the drawer to under the side of the bed opposite the officer.  The officer looks under there and catches him.  We both book it.  For some reason the officer just stays there.

I'm hanging out outisde when I run into Cole.  He's going to play a school soccer game so I tell him I'll come watch.  He's practicing his kick from a long ways away while I eat my dinner.  I wash all of my plates and put them in a random rack by a house.  Cole is kicking the ball into a tree.  He comes by to get the ball, and his friend comes by and tells him he's kicking really well.   Warren Chong suddenly opens the door of the house and sees the plates.  He's really angry and he tries to find out who did it.  I grab the plates and Cole and I run inside and into a bedroom exactly like my mom's.  We both hide beside the drawer.  He comes into the room and I move to the side of the bed opposite from him.  Warren goes and looks under the bed.  I try to get up so I'm kneeling and my head isn't under the bed but he sees my legs.  Cole and I book it and for some reason Warren stays where he is.  (For some odd reason, Cole is narrating what we are doing from this moment.)  We run outside, down the street in the shadow of the trees because now the cops are after us too.  We make it down and around the corener, where his house is.  The plates mysteriously disappear.  Tamara (who, for another strange reason, is his girlfriend) drives by in a small tan car her dad is driving, because they're picking Cole up to go to the game.  I sit in the back and Cole sits up with her dad.  I introduce myself to her dad, and he tries to introduce me to Cole, although we already know each other.  Cole informs him of this by saying, "well, if I didn't know her, we wouldn't own a car together!"  There is a huge rose in the front, with the flower part cut off, from Cole.  Tamara has the flower part.  The stem is like a tree branch.  Out of nowhere, Cole gives Tamara a normal size rose.  He also pulls out a plate of tiny cut sausages and offers them to everyone.  I think about the fact that this is the craziest night of my year."

I had another dream after that one, but I didn't write it down and I wish I did.  All I can remember is that it had something to do with a c-train, and my older sister crossing the tracks to get something and stopping the train in order to cross back.

you turn every head but you don't see me

Dream #2 had something to do with me working, but at a golf course. My manager was there, but I wasn't actually doing what I normally do. A really good golfer had just hit her ball into a hill of long, dry grass, and we were trying to find it. My legs got really itchy from the grass, but then I woke up and it turned out that it was just my mosquito bites being really itchy.

Dream #3 was a bit more interesting. I was in gym class with all of my best friends, and we were going camping. It turned out that the camp was right in the grass island by my house. I got to see Cailey for the first time in a long time, which I got really excited for. She greeted me by starting a ninja fight. I got to see Gavin too, but we only said one thing to each other before I realized that I had to get my winter jacket because it was starting to snow. Cailey and I went into my house to go grab it, and we passed by a really big television in my basement that I never knew I had. I remember I was really excited to wear my winter coat, for some reason. And my mittens. And then I woke up.

I didn't have a really good sleep, my legs were too itchy to fall asleep. By the time I finally did, it was past four. I worked today, which was long and boring, and then I went to go watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 with Cydney and Tamara, and also Chelsea, Justine, Alyssa, and Kim. I didn't actually get to sit with the latter group, because Cydney and Tamara invited me first. But I did go to Justine's house with them afterwards, and we had mint chocolate ice cream and watched the Olympics. Kim and I had to take a detour getting back home, so we had an adventure trying to find out how to get to Beacon Hill using the back road. It was fun, I love talking to Kim because she makes me laugh.

Watching romantic movies is not good when you're missing someone, that's what I keep learning. I never really thought I would miss you so much, but now it's getting ridiculous and it will be a very good day when you are back home.

listening to: mini tv's - chad vangaalen

does it really matter why i love you

Last night I dreamed that we were at a party, and we were doing everything we always did. Our conversations were ones we would have, our actions, our decisions. Everything seemed like you were there, until I woke up and you weren't.

It was weird. Even though you were with me, it felt like I was watching everything from afar. I didn't get to experience your touch, or your warmth, I just observed and tried to remember how it felt.

I think my brain misses you.

Other than while I'm sleeping, I've been actually pretty busy. On Thursday, the day Gavin left, I played golf in the morning and then went to Brittany's in the evening for a bonfire. It was really fun. We spent a long time trying to start the fire, and just being around Brittany is an amazing environment. Being with Rae and Elliot was ridiculously fun, too.

I golfed with my friend on Friday, and I played my best round. It definitely could've been better, but I'm not complaining. My swing felt so much better. We were still golfing after the sun had set, so the last hole was so hard to play, because we could barely see anything.

I worked today, and it was alright. There's a new contest where the person who can get the most people signed up for Leaderboard wins a $100 gift certificate to any store or mall they want. And that is a pretty great prize. I want it, but the other girl I worked with today was super good at getting people to sign up, and completely destroyed me today. I think I'll go for the second prize, the draw for the $50 gift certificate.

it's another prank call in the middle of the night

I had a dream last night, and so many of the details were blurred but what I remember is that you and I were laying on the ground, and I went to give you a hug and you turned your head and kissed me all over my face, and all I could do was smile and give you a kiss back. And then Jessica, who I assume was hanging out with us at the time, exclaimed, "you must love him a lot!" And I remember that in my mind, I was thinking, "yeah, I do," but I was afraid to say it aloud so I simply laid there and felt your embrace. I just had to put this down, it's just something I want to remember.

listening to: house by the sea - iron & wine

i mean nothing to you and you don't know why

Honestly, everything is driving me insane. Today at work, I'd get waves of fear every time I rung through a couple. This is getting so out of hand, I'm blowing everything out of proportion and I should really just relax and STOP THINKING, seriously! I am going crazy.

I have band practice today and of course that is a good thing for so many reasons.

Last night I dreamed of the Calgary Tower, baking cookies, and everyone in minuscule form. The only people I can actually remember in the dream are Jessica, Leslie, Adrian, and me. It was interesting, at least to me.

i'm not sorry

We went from a band trip to a choir trip, and I have no idea where we went, but the sky was so blue and everything looked so beautiful. There was a c-train that was always there. A lot of people I love were there, and I had my camera the whole time. I kept trying to capture the perfect moment but it always got ruined. At one point I tried to take a picture of the c-train, but there was a really weird setting on my camera that made it take a burst of pictures from different point of views. After Cailey, Megan, Mikki and I were hanging out in the hotel where we were staying, which looked like a really old, beautiful building, they suddenly disappeared and I had no idea where they went. So I called my mom and got her to pick me up so I could meet them wherever they were. So as we're driving, I see Gavin in a blue shirt waiting on the opposite side of the street for the bus, and my mom and I wave to him and he waves back. I keep trying to take pictures, but I'm unsuccessful. We then see a sign that says "shark tour" and we plunge into water, my mom's still driving and I'm freaking out because there are sharks swimming dangerously close and there's blood all around. But the thing I was freaking out about most was that my camera was still in my hand, and we were under water. Finally we get back onto dry land, and I meet up with Cailey and them but the first thing I do is turn on my camera, which I suddenly realize is a bad idea. My phone (which was in my pocket) still worked, and that camera turned on, but I could hear water splashing around inside it. And that's how it all went down.

i just won't have a future anymore

Today was such a gloomy day. It was so cold. Chemistry sucked. I really do not know how I did on my English essay, or my biology test, or my math test. Definitely not a great Monday. After my math test, which was last period, I was feeling not great at all because really, I pretty much sucked on my written, so I left the room feeling terrible. I ran into Elliot, and right away he lit up and gave me a hug, thanked me for the CD that he had not listened to and said he was excited to listen to it. And that made me feel really, really good.

I stayed after school all day because of French grad and choir, and I didn't really feel like going home and back again, so I stayed at the school until 6. I found a bunch of people I could hang out individually, until vocal jazz was over and I didn't really have anyone. Well, right after vocal jazz, Brittany saw me from across the room and just ran towards me, and it was awesome. I gave her the drawing I drew of her, and she laughed so hard, which was very great. People made me feel good today.

Being honest with you has made me so much more confused, I'm afraid that it was all a mistake. Or maybe it was really good, and maybe it's all a relief and maybe now something will happen. But I don't know now. Last night I had a dream that we were at school, and my locker was on the third floor. We were talking with some of our other friends, and suddenly I had to go up to get something, so I headed back up. Up there, I met some of my grade twelve friends, and so I started talking to them when suddenly you came up, and just right there you grabbed my hand and started holding it without anyone else noticing. A lot of other weird stuff happened, like a staircase that moved up and down that really creeped you out, and we spent the rest of my dream in there. But I remember the whole time that I wanted you down with me, holding my hand again.

I've had this dream before, I want it to be real so badly.

it's enough to leave me crying in the rain

In my dream, we were in biology class. You were wearing a silver sparkly belt, and you looked so beautiful, and I just wanted to tell you all of that. But I chickened out in the end, I didn't say a word, and when the bell rang we got up and went our separate ways.

These dreams break my heart so much, I wish I had more courage so I could go up to you and finally start up a conversation. There is too much space on the internet, I'm just always so scared. I never know the right thing to say. My mind is broken.

Please help me.

listening to: going missing - maximo park

you can scoop out my brain, shape it into an ear and then tell me your pain

I'm ready to golf! I got into Country Hills, and I just have to wait for the paperwork. I got my first lesson today, and it was fun. I learned a lot of stuff, I'm happy that I'm going to be able to actually improve this year. I have a lot of catching up, I'm really hoping my scores improve this year!

It takes a joint effort to finish my sticky rice, among six people. My sister's iPod works, I have moved up from 800 songs to 3000. I hope Mikki and Cailey had/have a good time up at Sunshine, I missed them during band. Montreal is getting close, I should practice piano soon. I had another dream with you in it. We were watching a movie on a projector, it was outdoors at night and the movie was made by either grade ten kids, or grade seven kids, I don't remember. Cassandra was sitting on my other side. You said, "You should ask her how to talk on the phone well." I replied, "We don't even talk to each other at all anymore." And that was all we said to each other for the rest of the night.

listening to: gang bang suicide - (broken social scene presents) kevin drew

that's why i never come back here, that's why they spit out my name

Last night I had three different dreams. I don't know if they were all related to each other, and I can't remember if I woke up between them, but I remembered two out of the three. The second one I had was really, really weird. I think I had a dream like it a while ago, with some variations. It might've had to do with all the videos I watched on Youtube yesterday.

The third one I had plans with you, and I was going to go through with them even though we haven't talked in ages. Then you gave me a call, and you talked in the stiffest, most resentful tone I have ever heard, as if you didn't want to say the things you said. You asked me if I wanted to go over to your house and have dinner. I said yes, but I remember feeling extremely sad about the way you said everything.

listening to: personal - stars

we must rip out all the epilogues from the books that we have read

I didn't tell you about the second part of the dream, when you grabbed my hand while we were walking down the street, and asked me if my parents knew that we were together. Band class was pretty fun today, Elliot was very funny. I like the second song we play, and the tambourine. Today is Chinese New Year's, and we have short classes. I can't wait to go toboganning.

listening to: i wish i was a dog - chad vangaalen

i flooded my sleeves as i drove home again

I had a dream last night that some people and I were getting tattoos so we could get change for French Fries. I wonder what kind of tattoo I would get if I ever wanted one?