your heart is keeping time with me

He held his hand out as we sat side by side, after play fighting on his couch.

"So are we going to make this work?" I asked him, and I could feel a smile forming on my face.

"Are we?"

"Yes." I grabbed his hand, and he smiled.

"Then yes."

i mean nothing to you and you don't know why

Honestly, everything is driving me insane. Today at work, I'd get waves of fear every time I rung through a couple. This is getting so out of hand, I'm blowing everything out of proportion and I should really just relax and STOP THINKING, seriously! I am going crazy.

I have band practice today and of course that is a good thing for so many reasons.

Last night I dreamed of the Calgary Tower, baking cookies, and everyone in minuscule form. The only people I can actually remember in the dream are Jessica, Leslie, Adrian, and me. It was interesting, at least to me.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

The panic hasn't left my stomach, I don't think it'll leave until something is finally decided. I wish we decided something already.

Chemistry was boring and pointless, as usual. We didn't really do anything in band. The only thing I was looking forward to today was lunch, when I'd be able to see Gavin and we'd finally get our private talk. Except when he met me in the band room, we walked out with Cailey, Bronwyn, and Mikki, and Cailey walked outside with us, and studied her bio while we sat beside each other against the tree. When Cailey and I went back in, Bronwyn joyfully asked, "so, how was the special, super private lunch?" To which Cailey replied, "what special lunch?" It was weird to feel so amused yet disappointed at the same time.

It's kind of like this game I've been playing on my iPod for about a week. I always manage to get really close to winning, except a couple things get in my way, and I have to start all over again. And it's frustrating; I stay up until 1:00 trying to win this game, but always fail at the end. I stay up until 1:00 thinking about all of this, and thinking about what everything means.

On a better note, I thoroughly enjoyed bio. Except for when I totally collapsed after being spun in the chair .. my bone hurt. Talking to you made me feel like a hundred dollars, I'm so glad that I can talk to you about these kinds of things again. When bio finished, Gavin came by the room and walked with me upstairs, and when we had to part ways he gave me a hug that made me smile like an idiot all the way to math class. But then again, everyone was bouncing off the walls in math today. After the fire alarm, we got to leave, and I really wanted to talk to Gavin and maybe get it all solved, but he wasn't there.

I feel like such a dork, talking about him so much.

Mikki and I headed downtown, and I even couldn't stop talking about him there. I feel so weird gushing like this, thinking about him all the time. But anyways. It was really nice talking to Mikki about this stuff, and knowing that she understands. We made it downtown and parked her bike by the Olympic Plaza station to go to the Asian market. We went to Ling Maew and I met my sister's friends, who of course commented on how identical we looked. I bought a really cool photograph of a robot, and got five pins for two dollars. I really like my sister's friend, she is really nice. After we looked around at some of the other vendors, and ended up buying a pair of aviators each because they were two for twelve dollars. I want contacts so I can wear them! After that, we decided to walk to American Apparel, which turned out to be a huge mistake because we had to walk about twenty five blocks to get there, and it was crazy hot and our backpacks were heavy. I got two t-shirts at American Apparel, because they were nice colours, and they were comfy, and they were cheap. The gold track jacket was pretty cool. The sweater Mikki liked was too.

We headed back to the train station (via bus, thankfully), and it was super busy. And it turned out that bikes weren't allowed on the train until 6, which really sucked because it meant that Mikki had to bike home from there. I feel so bad, but she kept saying that it was okay. I hope it was.

I was planning on doing my homework outside, but then there was a thunder shower, so that kind of dashed my hopes. The invisible shield came in the mail today, it's on my iPod now. I finished my math homework, and that's good because now I just have to finish my bio. I'm not sure if I really want to do it right now, though.

And I can't feel anything with my tongue because I just had some pineapple slices.

please please please

WOAHH two posts in one day. Just had some things to say.

I had a good time at Amelia's, although I wish we could've stayed outside longer, life looks so good under the sun. I love Mikki's camera, I love the satisfaction when you hear the click. I wish I was an actual photographer, or good at taking pictures. Mikki also has a very comfy shoulder, it's useful for when watching Sleeping Beauty.

Went golfing again today. Before I made plans to go, I told Gavin that I was probably going, and since I was going alone, he offered to come and caddy for me, which may be the nicest thing, because it meant that I didn't have to carry my clubs, and I had company. He drove me there and back, the Honda is sweet. I love the golf course, especially when it's empty. I'm still afraid of the bridges. When he dropped me off, we had a short conversation about where we were. We don't know yet. My stomach still lurches all the time, I'm hoping I'll get the answer tomorrow.

"... so you think it would work?"
"i think it would work.

i really do."

I don't remember wanting anything quite as much as this. What a new feeling.

listening to: waste of paint - bright eyes

i can't pretend that i can't see the end

The weather was beautiful yesterday. Too bad we had to spend the morning indoors, in a gym. I forgot all of my music, and the tambourine somehow did not make it, which I was not pleased about because in some songs, that's the only thing I had to play. But anyways. It was alright, except for the fact that in some songs I had to air tambourine, and I probably looked like a foo-el. And I had to guess a lot on the notes I was supposed to play because I could not remember what I was supposed to play. It was funny, though, because I thought we had to play a certain song again, so I asked Mr. Paddock if I could see the conductor's score for it, and everyone in the front row looks at me funny while Mr. Paddock says, "we're done playing that forever!" Embarrassing.

After that we got to wait around, Gavin and I slid down slippery banisters, and people played rock paper scissors. We went on to sing one song, filed off, and I felt bad for Gavin because he had to wait a long time for us to finally finish. Oh, and let me say now that Ms. Levy's speech did not make much sense at all. And it was really long. Not great at all. Kees, however, had a sweet speech and Cailey, Suzanne, and I agreed it was good. We all put bets on how long we'd have to play Pomp and Circumstance. I had 7:08, most people had from seven to ten minutes. At the last minute, Haley (even though I didn't ask her) said five minutes. We ended up playing for 4:23 (yes, it was timed). Diana, Gavin and I headed to the train after. Diana took the train to Dalhousie and we headed downtown.

We missed the stop right by the bank, so we had to walk a ways back. On the way we passed a bunch of people working for Lipton packing away a inflatable something, and a busker with a cool guitar. It took a while at the bank because my account is messed up. But, I did get a new debit card and it feels good to have money again. We went for a search for food, which wasn't very effective because we talked the whole time and forgot to actually look. We went into the Glenbow because there was a cafe there, but it was expensive so we ended up going to the A&W across from it. There was no Mountain Dew. Anyways, it turned out that we walked past the Calgary Tower without even noticing, so we kept going the wrong way until we were on Macleod Trail. We walked to park and when we looked up, we could see the Calgary Tower a couple blocks from where we had lunch. So we walked back, and went up. It was a good day to go up; it was really sunny and I must admit that the city looks pretty cool from up there. Except for the construction sites right beside the tower.

After we spent a good amount of time up there, we decided to head back down and go to the park where we were before. We sat down by the pool, and it was so nice and warm that we both just laid on the grass. It was really comfy. When it was three, he had to head off so we both got up. Well, he kept poking me to get up, and when I finally did, he made me pull him up. He kept pretending to push me into the water. At one point, I was fighting against it and he just .. held me in his arms for a couple seconds before letting go.

When we got off the train, and had to head off to our buses, I remembered that it was International Hug A Musician day, so we hugged, except it was a bit longer than a usual hug. After I was on my bus, he sent me a text saying how he was glad I didn't make fun of him like the last time I did, and it made us both realize that we've only ever hugged twice, and he told me that he hoped it would happen more often. And he told me that he wanted to talk to me, about something specific I think, because when I talked to him again on MSN later, when I said goodbye, he said he still wanted to talk to me.

Since Tuesday night, my body's been having panic attacks that I haven't felt since that day in January, and it's making me nervous. I have no idea what he's going to say to me, I'm trying not to overanalyze everything but it's really hard right now. It's hard to not look ahead. I hope that what he says is what I want to hear, because after yesterday ... it's just so easy to talk and want physical contact. This suspense is killing me.

listening to: the past is a grotesque animal - of montreal