it's the middle of the week

And I would just like to say that this whole week isn't actually as hard as I thought it was going to be.

it's easy

I've been opening up to more people lately than I used to before ... maybe it's because it doesn't exactly hurt very much anymore. Good thing? Yes. The past year and a half have been quite the vertical climb, I have to admit. There are still a lot of times where the memories come back, but hey, I know they are only memories. It was good while it lasted, but things are good right now.

So. Calculus is fun. My professor makes it all simpler, and time goes by faster with him. He's just got this quality that makes me respect him and enjoy learning from him. I hung out with Heather for a little while, I wish we could've spent more time together. I ate dinner alone, which was weird because my iPod died and I didn't bring my laptop in hopes of doing some math (dumb), so I just sat there and thought about things. Art class was really interesting, I love looking at other people's work and today we got to see a lot of stuff my art teacher's done. He is so funny! "I gave this table to my mom and dad and they ruined it. Stupid mom and dad! They're always disappointing me. I'm never giving them another artwork again EVER!" I couldn't help but laugh. Anyway. Walked back to math sciences with Stephanie, we talked about stuff like God existing and other things and it was nice. It always feels like I'm chipping off some of the hurt I have built up inside of me when I talk to other people about it.

listening to: giving up the gun - vampire weekend

please please me

Every day I feel like I know less and less people.

It feels weird to go to one class and then play cards at Mac Hall for an hour and a half after. So much wasted time. I really don't have much to do, though, so I'm not going to feel guilty.

listening to: get back - the beatles

yawn

Okay I have to go to bed soon (I really haven't been going to bed early OR drinking enough water, my bad times two), but I guess I haven't blogged for the past two days and I will probably forget some funny stuff that has happened.

Yesterday I went shopping with Cailey and Mikki because I didn't have any classes. We basically went shopping for stuff for their trip, so I just chilled out. I bought a mint chocolate at MEC because I was so hungry and it was great. After that, we found a place called The Holy Grail that makes delicious food! Fries and hamburgers and paninis, mmmmm so good. After that, they went to the library and I went to the mall to buy Heartland and Contra which are both amazing! Heartland is just chocolate to my ears, Owen Pallett is a genius. It all just works, even though there are so many layers to his songs. Oh man oh man. I can't stop listening to it on repeat.

After that I went to work, some girl was really snarky about eating food in the lab (you're not allowed to eat in the lab and we have numerous signs saying so). "Oh, really? I've never been told that I can't eat in here." OH REALLY? Ugh. It was a pretty long day, but nothing compared to today.

I'm so not used to spending an entire day at school. I really enjoy my math 271 class because my professor is really interesting and the stuff he teaches his interesting. I really wish, though, that he wouldn't have a lab tomorrow so I could just not go to school tomorrow until work again, but oh well. I had lunch with Natalie and later Sheila, and I just didn't feel like going to calculus so I didn't go. I think we were just reviewing integrals anyway, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I can't skip anymore classes though. Philosophy was really weird, it all felt like common sense stuff.

Art was really funny today. It's so late that by that time I wish I was already at home, but then my art professor shows us how to make clay busts and plaster sculptures and it's really interesting. And my professor ... oh man. While he was kneading the clay, he asked everyone if they had used clay before. He then told us a story about how in high school, he made a bong out of clay. His laughter is so infectious. Later on, when he was showing us the plaster demo, the first balloon popped, and then the second balloon popped, and then there was a leak in the bag. So when he tried to do it over again, when he was cutting the string of the other balloons on the nozzle of the plaster machine off, he inadvertently sliced open his balloon, causing plaster to spill everywhere. It was too funny. I'm really glad I joined this art class! The people are nice and it's just so relaxing.

listening to: keep the dog quiet - owen pallett

today was the first day back at school

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I like my professors. Or, at least the ones that I met. My math 271 professor has a great Asian accent and he is good at explaining things. I didn't learn anything really in my computer science lecture, I had lunch with Natalie, someone else was filling in for my math 253 professor and he was kind of mean. I was really tempted to take a nap. My philosophy class was cancelled so I went to the bank and to Starbucks and to London Drugs to try to kill time.

I worked and then hung around in Mac Hall. Just as I was about to go to my art lecture, I saw Noor and Roger on Omegle having hilarious conversations with strangers. It tempted me to skip my lecture, but I decided to go anyway. I rode the elevator up with a girl, and after we both got off on the sixth floor, she asked me what class I was in. She was very outgoing, I wish I was more like her. My art class is really small - probably twenty people! The girl I befriended then introduced herself to the other three people sitting near us, so I introduced myself, and I guess we are friends? Or at least friendly. It was nice. My art professor is hilarious! He kept cracking us up unintentionally during class, with his pneumonic devices and his troubles with the computer. We got a tour of the art building, and then we got to go home early. I finally found out what my class is about - sculpting! I get to sculpt! I'm kinda excited.

listening to: i'm a loser - the beatles

life goes on

I currently have a 3.34 GPA. I guess it's pretty good considering the amount of time I spent awake/paying attention in my classes. Linear algebra was disappointing though, I honestly thought I did well on that final. Oh well. I guess I'll try harder next semester. I'm going to get the book my cousin recommended to me and study better.

Right now I'm listening to Contra, Vampire Weekend's album that's coming out next Monday. It's good! It's really catchy. And then after I'll listen to Owen Pallet's live recording, and then another live recording. I'm excited for Friday.

edit: I forgot to write about the dream I had last night! I dreamed I somehow acquired a Canon 50D so I was taking pictures of my family, my house etc. but all of the pictures kept coming out terrible. I didn't understand.

listening to: taxi cab - vampire weekend

trying to keep this alive

I think I have some stuff I want to remember, so I'm going to write it down here.

Yesterday I went with Mikki to Kaffa, and we stood at the door awkwardly waiting for Michael Bernard Fitzgerald to come meet us. That was a fun hour! He bought us tea/hot chocolate and we spent an hour just talking. He is so easy to talk to. I bet if we talked for longer, I would've managed to tell him my entire life story. Embarrassing. Anyway. We talked about university, travelling (Mikki to Asia, him to Australia back in the day), snuggies (for people and dogs), Harry Potter, watching movies by yourself, Tiger Woods, driving bands in vans, cameras, Beatles Rock Band and video games, working, tight jeans, yogurt, and probably a lot more that I can't remember anymore. He is a really nice guy. I then went home and really tried to study, but I just kept getting distracted. I stayed up until three in the morning trying to remember stuff about primates.

I don't want to remember what happened today. My finals ... aren't going too great. It's disappointing.

listening to: this city's a mess - said the whale

weird stuff

I've been having weird dreams lately. Well, I don't really think they're dreams .. they are more like conversations with people that parallel reality but aren't actually true. I had a conversation with Cailey via text messages, even though a) my phone wasn't turned on and b) I was sleeping. I think she was apologizing for not replying to my text the pervious night. Another dream I had was that I didn't win the photo contest that Michael Bernard Fitzgerald had, and that some guy with a lame photo won instead. Except that he wasn't announcing winners until this evening, and this dream took place this morning. Seriously, brain, what's going on? Is it all the studying? I'm actually doing some, which is a relief because if midterms taught me anything, it's that I procrastinate A LOT and even when I think I'm doing lots, I'm doing nothing. I actually set myself up this time around so I can't access any website that would promote my procrastinating, which has lead to countless hours of studying. Yes! This thought is so run on, but that might be because it's 12:32 am. Also, I tend to think in this way. I had my computer science final this evening, and I really hope it went alright. I didn't have any time to check over because I had just managed to finish writing my program for the second written question. Which I did wrong! Which I didn't really know what I was doing and kinda just wrote something that made sense in my mind but might not make sense in real life! Agh! Computer science is such a hard test to write because over the year you get so use to writing all of your scripts on your computer, and so it catches all of your errors. When you write the actual exam, though, you have to make your brain the computer and process it. Which makes figuring out stuff like recursion hard! And syntax stuff! And even simple math makes me nervous! I just hope that the bell curve really plays on my side, and that I pass this course. If I was really setting my goals up high, I would hope for an A- but that is pretty lofty. I am hoping for A-'s in calc and anthropology, though. And maybe math 211. They are pretty doable. I need: an 85 on my calc final, a 90 on my anthro, and probably an 85 on my linear algebra exam. This weekend is going to be hardcore! Non-stop studying for two subjects at once, and then a three hour review session at the university to hopefully help me understand what the heck is going on with derivatives and integration! Because honestly, even though I understood it all no problem last year, my professor likes to take crazy numbers and transform them like nothin' cause it somehow works! And I don't know why! So hopefully this helps me out. I scraped a 72 on my calc midterm with pretty much no studying, so I feel like 85 is attainable. Nay, 90 is attainable! I'm going to ace this stinkin' test! There are a lot of exclamation points going on in this ridiculously long, run on paragraph. Anyway. I also need to maximize my studying tomorrow (which is actually today, because it is 12:39 am .. seriously. I am bad at going to bed early.) because on Sunday, I'm going to go have tea with Mikalina and Michael Bernard Fitzgerald. Because I did win that photo contest! Well, top five. I wonder how many people actually entered that contest ... actually no I don't. Well I do. I'm also wondering if the other winners will be in on this tea date too, because that'd be weird. Also, I am nervous for this encounter. I'm bad at not being awkward, and I'm scared of awkward situations. What is going to happen?! I don't know! I hope that I am charming and I present myself in a non-stupid manner. Maybe we will become friends! That would be fun. I feel bad for not owning any of his CDs .. his concert back at the beginning of the month was really good though! Hmm hmm hmm. Anyway. This is a sad excuse for an update on this blog that I now forget to update. Remember when I used to blog excessively? Nah, you don't. Back then there were two people who always read this blog! Now there are zero!

listening to: gold guns girls - metric

how is school going?

I surf the internet and play Wacky Wheels in archaeology, but I still go to class because of Bronwyn. I can't understand my TA for computer science very well, and it's hard for me to concentrate during tutorials. I feel like I have no clue how to do calculus when my professor teaches it. I like learning linear algebra, but the homework assignments are confusing and I spend a lot of time trying to teach my friend how to do it. During lectures I always drift in and out of sleep for minutes at a time. I like my anthropology professor, and he makes learning about monkeys pretty interesting. I have fallen asleep numerous times in my computer science lecture, and I haven't read the online textbook since the beginning of the semester. I leave my computer science assignments until two days before it is due, and then I email my TA for help and panic.

I spend breaks in between class hanging out with people and not studying. When I have breaks where I don't find anybody, I end up going on the internet instead of doing anything productive, like finishing homework or studying (even though finals are only a week and a half away). When I go home and go on the internet (yet again), or I play Rock Band with my siblings.

My work ethic is definitely all wrong for university. I find it extremely hard to sit down and study. For example, I currently have my archeology textbook open in front of me. I have read three pages in the past half an hour. I never go to bed before 11:30, even though I really want to go to sleep at 10 since I am sleepy all the time. I get a lot of help from other people. I'm not doing terrible in any of my classes, but I'm not doing the best and it's weird, because during the past twelve years of my education, I always tried to be the best.

listening to: maybe sparrow - neko case

things that are irritating

1. How often the phrase "poorly understood" was used in a chapter of my archaeology textbook. Seriously, you couldn't think of any other way to say that? You, sir, are a great author.
2. Emails from people in my anthropology class asking for notes. In my English class in grade twelve, we all had to have homework buddies who we would ask about things we missed. Make a friend and just exchange notes amongst yourselves! I don't want to send you my non-existent notes and I don't want emails asking for them! The worst is when they ask you about dates for exams, or what chapters exams will be on. Everything is posted, look it up yourselves!
3. Computer science assignments
4. Contacts. They irritate my eyes.
5. People who talk in my calculus class. The professor is already really quiet, I don't need you talking about non-math-related things when I am already struggling with understanding what she is saying.

I stayed up until three in the morning last night studying calculus, and the quiz was super easy and that sucked a little. I still need to learn how to prioritize and focus on school. I'm hoping that the anthropology test went alright, please please please be at least 80! During my math lab I talked to Cailey on Skype, I miss her a lot! We have plans to go to a pub and eat wings and drink cheap beer.

School is really stressful, and there are so many things going on at once that most of the time I feel like I can't handle it. I am really scared that I won't be able to do my computer science assignment. I need to stick to my plan and work on it for an hour before the tutorial tomorrow. And then my TA can discuss it and hopefully give me some idea as to how to do it. And if all else fails, I'll ask Bronwyn's friend and pray that this all works out.

I really can't wait for Christmas break.

listening to: love is simple - akron/family

a good long break

I spent the whole day trying to memorize primate taxonomy. Sportive lemurs are in the subfamily Lepilemurinae, family Lemuridae, superfamily Lemuroidea, infraorder Lemuriformes, suborder Prosimii. WHAT NOW!

Anyways, I'm heading out to Vinyl to get my party on. You know what I hate? Cover!! That's ten bucks that I could spend on beer. Sad face.

daily things

Last night I went to see Said The Whale with Lindsay and Sarah. This evening I went to the Just For Laughs show with Bronwyn and Sheila. Said The Whale was really good, I enjoyed the harmonizing. Just For Laughs was hilarious, I couldn't stop smiling. I guess I finally have to buckle down and start studying for my calculus midterm. Which, might I add, is on Monday. Yikes!

sick

I remember a time when I used to have to refrain from blogging more than once a day. Now I'm struggling to blog once a month. But this is the time when I need to remember what's going on! This is the prime of my life ... I think. It feels like it should be. Nobody really uses Blogger, though. Maybe I need an audience because really, even though I'm just so super self conscious, sometimes I just like attention. I'm pretty hypocritical. I think about these things in my mind, about the kind of people annoy me and then I realize that these people are me, from a previous time. I'm growing up and away, and I don't know how I feel about this. I miss when I used to have thoughts just flowing through my mind all the time. Now I'm just lazy. Lazy and tired. I told myself that I'd go to bed at 10:30 tonight because I always stay up way too late to be alright for school the next day, but it never happens. Well I am going to write this and then go to bed.

I'm just going to do a short recap of what's been going on: I went to Final Fantasy last night, I was a little skeptical about going because I already saw him in June and I'm sick and I'm really, really busy this week but then the thought that it was FINAL FANTASY overruled. And thank goodness, he was absolutely amazing. He's the kind of guy who you need to stare at, because he is so beautiful, and because his sound is so beautiful, and the fact that he's doing a million and one things at once up on that stage just leaves you in so much awe. I can't wait for his new album, it is going to be so great. All of his songs are fantastic. Umm besides that I went to the clinic today to get diagnosed with a bad cold, which is good because at least it's only a bad cold, but bad because it's a bad cold. Sometimes I think colds are the worst because all you can do really is wait it out while you have a stuffy nose and a sore throat. And that's just the worst because it is so freaking uncomfortable. I didn't go to school today. I just sat at my desk with my blanket and studied, which is good because I actually think I got a lot more done than if I went to my classes. Except hopefully I'm not too far behind in math. Things I did today: one chapter for archaeology, calculus review, most of my linear algebra questions, and just the slightest bit of studying for anthropology. Then I called it a day and watched all of my TV shows. I'm hoping that this one day of rest was good for me, seeing as I've been busy every single other day and my weekends aren't really weekends anymore .. well they are but I'm not at home and I'm still super busy and stressed. Golf is sucking right now. Well the people aren't but my game is. It's really frustrating. I need to get better or I'm just going to be really depressed. Um but yeah I just want to get better so that I at least do not feel like uttermost crap in Idaho, and I don't cause every single one of my teammates to catch my cold. We're sharing a bus for eight hours, you know.

So yeah .. 10:36. I guess I'll go to bed. The things on my to-do list feel like they are never getting checked off. Like if I'm always doing work but it's never going away. I guess I just got to keep my head down and grind it out. I need to work hard. I need to earn this.

I think life is good?

listening to: took you two years to win my heart - final fantasy

while you wait for the others

I guess now that I'm eighteen, I'm discovering that I'm not the biggest fan of clubs, or of drinking. It is probably because of the fact that I am Asian, therefore cheap. And clubs and drinks are expensive. But anyways. Lots of my friends are finding it weird that I didn't get drunk on my birthday, and that I have not gotten drunk ever, but maybe it's nicer this way. I am much more introverted than I thought.

Also, I met a cute guy yesterday, who kept smiling and saying hi to me at golf tryouts. And then, just out of chance, he was sitting in my computer science lecture all alone. I was so choked when we realized that he was supposed to be in the room next door; I didn't even get to know his name!

But, I'm keeping my hopes up. We're in neighboring lecture rooms on Fridays at the least. And hopefully he made the golf team as well! A nice engineer-golfer-boy who wears skinny pants and has a really great smile and is super nice .. how often does that come along?

i like to write

It's honestly the only way I feel like I can actually admit everything in my brain. There is just such a beauty in being able to express yourself fully without being interrupted, and without having to care about what others will think until two days later when you realize you're an idiot. Sometimes when I'm talking, I feel like such an idiot because I can't ever think fast enough to coherently complete a sentence, and I always stumble over all of my words. But anyway. I got my short story back, and I am so proud of it. I love that story so much, and I actually cannot believe that I wrote it. I want to show it to everyone, not because I want to boast it but for some reason I just want to keep collecting everyone's opinions on it, I want to create a small pool of others' thoughts. I've never felt so good about something in my life; whenever I do something, like take a picture or write a poem, I always look back on it and analyze it until I no longer like it. But this ... no. I just want to be acknowledged for something, I guess.

Tomorrow is the last day of school, I don't know what I feel about this. It seems like time ran out a bit too fast. I still want to see people and speak to people, but my summer already looks way too busy.

listening to: wake up - arcade fire

there's only a week left of school

I want to do one more issue of The Iconographer, and we gotta iron t-shirts and have a chem AP party still.  Man am I over my head.

Uhhhh I'm feeling good these past couple of days, mood swings are weird.  I got my film fest poster framed and presented to me the other day in front of my calculus class, and I went to my last girls' rugby game.  It's too bad they didn't win.  My design for the Calgary Film Festival's Youth By Youth Cinema got printed and I like it.  I finished my design for the Sled Island poster contest and now I just have to take a picture of it.  It's snowing so it's not likely that I will be able to go golfing.  Gavin and I took the train home together and it wasn't awkward.  What a strange week.

listening to:  breaking my heart again - aqualung

if y'all over eighteen, you better be headin' to the bar and gettin' DRUNK

What a good time.

If I had my camera with me, I probably would have attached a picture.  However, pretty much all my stuff is at Cailey's house.  Including my RUNNERS.  That was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me in the history of my life.  But I'll talk about that later.

The ceremony was super long, but it was actually really cool seeing my friends walk across that stage and get their empty black book.  And it was so beautiful!  And my parents were so happy.  They took me out for sushi after the ceremony, which was delicious, and then I picked up Ramon's boutonierre that we ended up not using (sad face).  After that I headed off to Cailey's house, and we did our nails, makeup, and hair.  I'm glad they know how to put on makeup because I definitely didn't.  And Tess curled my hair for me, which was also quite exciting.  Everyone looked so amazing!  We rode a limo to the Roundup Centre and saw even more beautiful people!  Like, everyone was just so gorgeous!  I didn't want to go inside because it was so nice and sunny, and I just wanted to see more and more people.  

My shoes, however, killed so badly.  For the first while they were fine, but after waiting for like fifteen minutes to get into the banquet, it actually hurt to stay standing.  The food was decent, I saw more and more people, and the speeches were way better than Alex Anderson's (zing).  I especially liked Schrotty's and Beland's.  During one of the speeches Bronwyn threw a piece of gum at my mouth, and I caught it!  Which was amazing.  There were high fives all around at the table.  The dance was so fun, even though it hurt so bad, and then when we finally could get changed to go party I found out .. that I had left the shoes I went to Cailey's house in at her house.  So I had no extra shoes.  Luckily, Mikki's mom lent me her shoes.  But they were really stiff and pinchy, so they started hurting after a while too.  Which was no good because I ended up going to Wildwood with the rest of my limo party (we didn't get to use the last hour of the limo, boo) and dancing the whole time.  It was crazy how many people were grinding each other, let me say.  My feet hurt so badly that it was all I could think about.  It was so crowded, and lots of people were drinking, and it was super hot.  But I had a lot of fun.  After like an hour and a half, Mikki, Ramon, and I got picked up by Mikki's mom and we went to Bronwyn's aftergrad party.  Mikki's mom traded shoes with me again (her shoes for her runners) and I am so thankful for that!  Paintball was quite as fun as I thought it would be, mainly because I suck at shooting and I am afraid of getting hit.  We played until we were out of ammo and then we played lasertag, which I thought was infinitely better.  Even though I suck at that too.  We went to Denny's at around four in the morning.  We ordered our food at like 4:30 and we didn't get it until 5:15, which was pretty crazy.  A bunch of us took naps while waiting because we were so tired.  There was a couple in the parking lot that we all were creeping because of the fact that they had been making out for a good forty five minutes.  It was the worst.  Another group of Abe grads came in to Denny's when we were almost done our food.  When we did finish our food, the couple came in, and defying all of our pleas that a) they would not come in and b) they were Abe students, they came into Denny's and were recognized as people who go to our school.  Gross.  They sat with the other group of people.

We finally paid and were out of Denny's at 6:15, and then I dropped off Mikki and Adam and went home where I fell asleep two minutes after I closed my eyes.  It was such a great night!  I can't wait until I get my stuff so I can look at all of the pictures.

listening to:  stella was a diver and she was always down - interpol

i only heard what i wanted

I stole a box of icecream sandwiches today.  I also skipped English class to go golf with Bronwyn's gym class.  And I hit a hole in one when golfing with Christie.  What a day of firsts.  I wrote a really, really good story that I'm proud of.  I've never had that .. where I write something that even I love.  I want everyone to read it just because I love it so much.  I love it so much that I'm not self conscious about it.  I don't care if everyone else hates it, because I am just so proud of it.  It only took seventeen years of my life, hey?  Anyways.  After writing that story I've started to pay more attention to the things that I think about.  I think about how many times I look down at my feet, because I'm self conscious of my legs.  I think about how I have so many thoughts but I end up stuffing 95% of those thoughts in the back of my mind because I don't want to tell anybody.  Today Bronwyn and I had a heart to heart, which is something I haven't had in a long time, and it felt really good to finally tell someone all of the thoughts I have choked down for the past year.  

I don't write in this very often.  I also don't see Heather very often, who I love very much.  I am trying to golf more often, grad is coming up fairly soon and I still think about the wrong things way too often.

listening to:  in our bedroom after the war - stars

wow wow wow

Sled Island and Folk Fest are blowing my mind!  I honestly can't wait for school to be over ... Final Fantasy?  In Calgary?  Playing in a church?  With his AMAZING LOOPING AND VOICE AND VIOLIN PLAYING??  Honestly that one show alone will make my life, especially since I didn't get to see his main concert when he was here at Folk Fest.  I loveeee Final Fantasy.

And then Iron & Wine and The Acorn are coming to Folk Fest!  And I'm volunteering at both festivals so hopefully that means free!  Yes I am frugal.  But that's just cause I've already paid (pretty much in full) my golf membership.  I think that will be good for me because then I will go out every day .. once I'm done my AP exam.  Which is in 11 days.  My study schedule starts tomorrow, we'll see how things go.  Also, I finished all of the math homework I was behind on all week.  We also finished our radio play in English, I did a lot of work in chemistry, and I practiced using four mallets on the marimba for my entire spare.  It was a pretty productive day too.  It felt pretty good.

listening to:  easier to lie - aqualung

what makes you think it's going to last

All my feelings have seemed to dry up, and all that is left is an empty resevoir.  All of the hurt is gone, I guess.  Or it occurs in sharp pangs, lasting only minutes before I forget all about it.  I'm happy!  I only find distaste in English, when she piles not one, but two projects to be done for the unit we are about to do.  There's not too long until grad.  Not long until this stress will all be gone, washed away for the summer and forgotten until the fall.

Here's to looking ahead!  My goals for the upcoming months:

1) Start running every day (after the snow has melted).  2) Try to keep this 90 in English (although that seems like it won't happen).  3) Own my chem AP exam (and then it will be all over!).  4)  Get my math mark above 90.  5) Practice driving/get better at it.  6) Qualify for nationals (golf in New Brunswick = amazing).  

listening to:  everybody broke me up - kevin drew