one huge void

I am at this point in my life where I should be happy.  Nothing bad is happening and yet it feels like there is a huge part of me missing.  It is like when I forget what I was going to say .. it just isn't even registered in my brain and it just bugs me.  I feel so broken and jagged but there is no reason!  I've been having dreams where I have been in car accidents and I am distancing myself while trying always to get closer.

Maybe I'm just not happy with myself.

listening to:  signs - bloc party

what makes you think it's going to last

All my feelings have seemed to dry up, and all that is left is an empty resevoir.  All of the hurt is gone, I guess.  Or it occurs in sharp pangs, lasting only minutes before I forget all about it.  I'm happy!  I only find distaste in English, when she piles not one, but two projects to be done for the unit we are about to do.  There's not too long until grad.  Not long until this stress will all be gone, washed away for the summer and forgotten until the fall.

Here's to looking ahead!  My goals for the upcoming months:

1) Start running every day (after the snow has melted).  2) Try to keep this 90 in English (although that seems like it won't happen).  3) Own my chem AP exam (and then it will be all over!).  4)  Get my math mark above 90.  5) Practice driving/get better at it.  6) Qualify for nationals (golf in New Brunswick = amazing).  

listening to:  everybody broke me up - kevin drew

i have too many flaws

I haven't written an entry in a while (three weeks?  I can't remember going on a hiatus that long since I decided not to blog for a month), so it seems appropriate that I should do it while I am in the midst of being extremely busy.  Yes, things have been hectic since I got back from Germany.  Which, by the way, was amazing.  That's what I tell everyone because describing the trip is just too hard.  It might've been the best thing that has ever happened in my life thus far, which is pretty great considering I have been living seventeen years (however I'm a pretty boring person, so I guess it's not that great).  Luckily we were required to keep a trip journal the entire time we were there, so I have everything recorded and I don't need to scribe it here, re-describing everything that happened.  Because a lot of stuff happened!  I'm going to pring out my favorite pictures and either a) make a photojournal, b) put them on my wall, or c) all of the above.  I haven't decided yet.  This, of course, will be when I have more time.

Boy have I been rambling!  I'm going to list everything I need to get done, which may be driving me to make this post longer and longer to put off my tasks.  I have to finish studying chemistry for my unit test tomorrow.  I have to study math for my midterm on Wednesday.  I have to get my Streetcar Named Desire booklet done before Monday.  I have to practice driving.  I have to practice golfing.  I have to burn CDs of my Germany photos for people by the end of this week.  There is just too much stuff going on!  I guess I am mostly caught up from missing days of school two weeks ago, but chemistry would have definitely been a lot easier if I learned electrochemistry with everyone else.  Half of me just wants to give up and wing it tomorrow.  I only really need over a fifty anyways.  But I'm afraid that by winging it, I'll end up failing it and that won't be a good feeling.  I am just so tired of trying all the time.  I'm tired of this unnecessary desire to want to be the best all the time.  Because I know I'm not, and that I will never be.  I am not good at anything and mediocre at everything.

danken

Things have been rather a blur this past week.  First off, I am going to Germany in a mere two days!  It doesn't seem that long ago when we were exclaiming that there were only forty more days, thirty more days, and now it's right around the corner.  It almost seems surreal.  I have no idea what expect!  Well I am expecting it to be the best time of my life, actually.  I really hope it is.  After what has happened and the things I have been feeling, I need a super major uplift.  One as bright as the sun.

A brief recap of things that happened this week:  Monday I went out for lunch with Amanda, Natalie, and Mikki in Kensington.  It was a riot.  I hung out with Heather that afternoon and we went to the Camera Store.  I bought a Gorilla Pod.  She almost bought a Holga.  Which reminds me, I should ask her if she ever picked it up or not.  Anyways.  On Tuesday I did my dramatic monologue in English, which made me really nervous but it went well in the end.  On Wednesday I goofed around in chemistry because Zwicker was watching our class, and it was basically a period to do whatever you want.  We all played with my Gorilla Pod because it is just that much fun.  I had a golf lesson that night and stayed up till one studying for chemistry and English.  I wrote a test in chemistry first period on Thursday and watched Jessica and The Throwaways play for Battle of the Bands.  They were good.  On Friday, which was yesterday, I went to the mall with Mikalina to buy stuff in preparation for Germany.  We ran into so many people that we knew!  We also had to go to about seven stores to buy black pants before finally finding a good deal in Garage.  Who would've thought, Garage!  Anyways.  I also got a pair of black flats, batteries, a disposable camera, and a prepaid Visa.  You know what blows?  $20.25 US is about $25.10 Canadian.  My prepaid Visa was $25.00 Canadian.  I was ten cents short to buy the hard copy of Metric's new album!  I just settled for the digital copy.  From the mall we walked to Mikki's house, which felt like the longest walk ever because my feet were sore and my shoulders were tired.  We worked on the scrapbooks for our host families, and they are coming along quite nicely!  It is a good thing Mikki is so artsy.  We ate greasy pizza and listened to High School Musical via Youtube to try to get A Mighty Fortress Is Our God out of our heads.  We ended the night watching Mary Poppins.  It was so much fun! 

Today I work, and I have to get a haircut sometime before Monday.  Which means either tonight (hopefully) or Sunday.  We'll see!  I am so excited!!!

the pure, simple truth:

I still think about you at least once every single day.  It has been seven months and I am still waiting for absolutely nothing.  I try to stay as realistic as possible, but once in a while, I'll get a tiny fleet of hope that I'll try to stamp out, but will linger in my mind anyways.

It doesn't hurt the way it used to, and I don't ever cry about it anymore, but yeah I still miss you.  I miss your hands and eyes and your love.  Sometimes I spend my time wondering what I did wrong, what I could've said to maybe change your mind.  There are so many regrets and so many scorched pieces of memory that I wish I could've changed.  Why is it that I am only seventeen and already I wish I had done my life differently?  I keep thinking, if I was prettier, or smarter, or cooler, or charismatic, maybe you'd be as much in love with me as I am you.  I hate admitting this fact that I still love you, but it's a feeling that will never, ever go away.  There's always a minute of my day where I wonder if you still have this feeling hidden somewhere too.