attention good people of the universe

After three years of blogging about stupid things, I have decided to stop blogging on Blogger and instead move to tumblr. This is basically because:

a) I already have a tumblr page where I just reblog and like photos and stuff that other people post, so it's easier to just manage my blogs on one website.

b) Tumblr is just really easy and I like the layout there a lot more.

c) Honestly, I feel like I want to have a public blog that my friends can read (yes, very self-centered) and there are a lot of things I have written in this blog that I feel are very personal. I know, hey? I have this blog available to the whole wide web and I think it's too personal! Hilarious!

I'm not going to delete this blog but I will not post here anymore. There are way too many posts on this blog to erase this whole thing! Although, there are a lot of ridiculously depressing posts and a lot of ridiculously cheesy posts going on here with all of the memories and good stuff I wrote about. This whole blog was exactly what I wanted to be - a way to remember things that are going on with my life - but I feel like starting fresh will be good. I guess I should've done it at the beginning of the month to make it more symbolic, hey? Ah well. I'm going to try to incorporate more short and sweet things and try to stop with the pretentious non-paragraph posts. Maybe I'll try a different writing style; every time I read over my posts, I hate the way I put my words!

So here is the link to the new blog: http://setooo.tumblr.com. I'm sorry if this is a hassle, since I won't be up on your dashboard anymore, but to be honest, I'm not that interesting so you don't have to be obligated to follow me anymore.

Goodbye I Wish I Was A Writer, June 30, 2007 - January 31, 2010, 360 posts. You were a good listener.

listening to: mushaboom - feist

sick

I remember a time when I used to have to refrain from blogging more than once a day. Now I'm struggling to blog once a month. But this is the time when I need to remember what's going on! This is the prime of my life ... I think. It feels like it should be. Nobody really uses Blogger, though. Maybe I need an audience because really, even though I'm just so super self conscious, sometimes I just like attention. I'm pretty hypocritical. I think about these things in my mind, about the kind of people annoy me and then I realize that these people are me, from a previous time. I'm growing up and away, and I don't know how I feel about this. I miss when I used to have thoughts just flowing through my mind all the time. Now I'm just lazy. Lazy and tired. I told myself that I'd go to bed at 10:30 tonight because I always stay up way too late to be alright for school the next day, but it never happens. Well I am going to write this and then go to bed.

I'm just going to do a short recap of what's been going on: I went to Final Fantasy last night, I was a little skeptical about going because I already saw him in June and I'm sick and I'm really, really busy this week but then the thought that it was FINAL FANTASY overruled. And thank goodness, he was absolutely amazing. He's the kind of guy who you need to stare at, because he is so beautiful, and because his sound is so beautiful, and the fact that he's doing a million and one things at once up on that stage just leaves you in so much awe. I can't wait for his new album, it is going to be so great. All of his songs are fantastic. Umm besides that I went to the clinic today to get diagnosed with a bad cold, which is good because at least it's only a bad cold, but bad because it's a bad cold. Sometimes I think colds are the worst because all you can do really is wait it out while you have a stuffy nose and a sore throat. And that's just the worst because it is so freaking uncomfortable. I didn't go to school today. I just sat at my desk with my blanket and studied, which is good because I actually think I got a lot more done than if I went to my classes. Except hopefully I'm not too far behind in math. Things I did today: one chapter for archaeology, calculus review, most of my linear algebra questions, and just the slightest bit of studying for anthropology. Then I called it a day and watched all of my TV shows. I'm hoping that this one day of rest was good for me, seeing as I've been busy every single other day and my weekends aren't really weekends anymore .. well they are but I'm not at home and I'm still super busy and stressed. Golf is sucking right now. Well the people aren't but my game is. It's really frustrating. I need to get better or I'm just going to be really depressed. Um but yeah I just want to get better so that I at least do not feel like uttermost crap in Idaho, and I don't cause every single one of my teammates to catch my cold. We're sharing a bus for eight hours, you know.

So yeah .. 10:36. I guess I'll go to bed. The things on my to-do list feel like they are never getting checked off. Like if I'm always doing work but it's never going away. I guess I just got to keep my head down and grind it out. I need to work hard. I need to earn this.

I think life is good?

listening to: took you two years to win my heart - final fantasy

88-92-87-84

It's so weird when it's summer, it's like if I shelve one part of myself away and pull out another side of me. Everyone from school disappears, and I'm super chums with everyone I golf with. I love seeing my golf friends, because we only get two months of tournaments to hang out with each other for an hour, two hours tops - unless we get a tee time together. Which is pretty rare. Which makes it more fun, because it's not like we know each other inside out; it's like if every time we hang out, there's an explosion of new things that happened, new golf stories, new tidbits about each other that we never knew before.

Yesterday at the banquet I sat with Mandy, Kylie, Janelle, Casara, and Jen. It was so funny; Mandy is so eccentric sometimes. I had some amusing conversations and moments; waiting for our pasta was an adventure on its own. Describing our pre-swing routines was also another moment that made me feel like dying of laughter.

Today was pretty amazing because I got to play with Ali - something that is quite rare. We are such a gong show when we're together; sometimes it's hard to stay serious because I know that if I look at her I'll laugh. But it definitely made the mood of the game today so much lighter; we joked around about everything so everything wasn't such a big deal. I think that helped my game, because I played pretty well except for one hole. And we didn't come in dead last!

So I'm not going to nationals, which was extremely upsetting and disappointing when my dad first told me about it. I mean, it was going to be the highlight of my summer - travelling to the other side of the country to play on a beautiful course, all by myself. But then I thought about it a bit more. It's expensive; it would be scary going all by myself; I honestly don't think I am a good enough golfer to go out there and actually be proud of my scores. So although I really, really wanted to do this, I'm not anymore. But it'll be okay, because then I get to hang out with the majority of my golf friends who aren't going to nationals, and we'll have a lot of fun. I still get to go to Vancouver with my family. I'll get to maybe hang out with some of my school friends.

And maybe I can ask for the Macbook now!

listening to: sure can start - two hours traffic

there's only a week left of school

I want to do one more issue of The Iconographer, and we gotta iron t-shirts and have a chem AP party still.  Man am I over my head.

Uhhhh I'm feeling good these past couple of days, mood swings are weird.  I got my film fest poster framed and presented to me the other day in front of my calculus class, and I went to my last girls' rugby game.  It's too bad they didn't win.  My design for the Calgary Film Festival's Youth By Youth Cinema got printed and I like it.  I finished my design for the Sled Island poster contest and now I just have to take a picture of it.  It's snowing so it's not likely that I will be able to go golfing.  Gavin and I took the train home together and it wasn't awkward.  What a strange week.

listening to:  breaking my heart again - aqualung

what makes you think it's going to last

All my feelings have seemed to dry up, and all that is left is an empty resevoir.  All of the hurt is gone, I guess.  Or it occurs in sharp pangs, lasting only minutes before I forget all about it.  I'm happy!  I only find distaste in English, when she piles not one, but two projects to be done for the unit we are about to do.  There's not too long until grad.  Not long until this stress will all be gone, washed away for the summer and forgotten until the fall.

Here's to looking ahead!  My goals for the upcoming months:

1) Start running every day (after the snow has melted).  2) Try to keep this 90 in English (although that seems like it won't happen).  3) Own my chem AP exam (and then it will be all over!).  4)  Get my math mark above 90.  5) Practice driving/get better at it.  6) Qualify for nationals (golf in New Brunswick = amazing).  

listening to:  everybody broke me up - kevin drew

i have too many flaws

I haven't written an entry in a while (three weeks?  I can't remember going on a hiatus that long since I decided not to blog for a month), so it seems appropriate that I should do it while I am in the midst of being extremely busy.  Yes, things have been hectic since I got back from Germany.  Which, by the way, was amazing.  That's what I tell everyone because describing the trip is just too hard.  It might've been the best thing that has ever happened in my life thus far, which is pretty great considering I have been living seventeen years (however I'm a pretty boring person, so I guess it's not that great).  Luckily we were required to keep a trip journal the entire time we were there, so I have everything recorded and I don't need to scribe it here, re-describing everything that happened.  Because a lot of stuff happened!  I'm going to pring out my favorite pictures and either a) make a photojournal, b) put them on my wall, or c) all of the above.  I haven't decided yet.  This, of course, will be when I have more time.

Boy have I been rambling!  I'm going to list everything I need to get done, which may be driving me to make this post longer and longer to put off my tasks.  I have to finish studying chemistry for my unit test tomorrow.  I have to study math for my midterm on Wednesday.  I have to get my Streetcar Named Desire booklet done before Monday.  I have to practice driving.  I have to practice golfing.  I have to burn CDs of my Germany photos for people by the end of this week.  There is just too much stuff going on!  I guess I am mostly caught up from missing days of school two weeks ago, but chemistry would have definitely been a lot easier if I learned electrochemistry with everyone else.  Half of me just wants to give up and wing it tomorrow.  I only really need over a fifty anyways.  But I'm afraid that by winging it, I'll end up failing it and that won't be a good feeling.  I am just so tired of trying all the time.  I'm tired of this unnecessary desire to want to be the best all the time.  Because I know I'm not, and that I will never be.  I am not good at anything and mediocre at everything.

checkmate checkmate!

It honestly irritates me when people set their Facebook statuses to announce to everybody that they did extremely well on their diploma exams.  I don't know why, but it's almost as if somebody is just rubbing it into everyone else's faces that they did better than anybody else.  Are you expecting people to congratulate you for beating them?  

I wish I did better on my diplomas, because I studied so extremely hard.  These marks are basically telling me the limits of my abilities.  I wish I was better, but I always wish I was better.  Right now, accepting the marks I have feels like accepting mediocrity.  I'm pretty sure I got the lowest mark on my diploma out of everyone else in my chem AP class (but then again, they all probably got in the range of 97-100%), which doesn't feel great.  Speaking of chem AP, it's pretty stressful.  I have my first unit exam tomorrow, and I'm not sure how prepared I am for it.  I think it's going to go terribly wrong.  I am almost considering dropping the class, because I don't need it for university.  Also, if I drop it, then it would give me time to learn calculus AP, which would be beneficial in university.  It's conflicting, because I really love being in that class.  And I can't say no to everyone.  It's just that in this case, there are people telling me to drop it, and people telling me not to.  And I don't know who to listen to.  Chem AP isn't turning out the way I thought it was going to, and right now I don't have enough time to work hard at it.  I need to focus on English and Math 31, because those are the marks I need to get the scholarship.  I guess this class is kind of like a free one; it doesn't really matter what happens in it, kind of like in bio last year.  I'm uneasy about how great this class is going to be, though.  

This weekend has been pretty weird.  Last night I felt pretty shitty.  I'm such a dick sometimes.  I really tried to study chem for most of the weekend, but it's been going slower than I thought it would.  I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

listening to:  lloyd i'm ready to be heartbroken - camera obscura

what the what?

Today did not feel like a good day.  It wasn't a terribly bad day, but right now I have a headache, I just finished my chemistry homework and I am really tired.  And it just feels like a lot of things sucked.

Band was boring today, which was disappointing because we played Do Not Go Gentle the entire time.  I guess it's nice to listen to the whole band play, but it's not when you listen to the same part ten times and you don't get to play for forty five minutes.  And you count every single bar to make sure you don't get lost only to get stopped two bars before you come in.  And when Mr. Willms is glaring down all of the percussionists because they are still idiots who don't know how to be quiet or not chew gum.  Honestly.  Anyways, it wasn't very fun.

I walked into English, almost late, only to realize that we were having a vocabulary test that I totally forgot about.  It was really lucky that I (really lightly) reviewed the vocabulary words, and that they were matching, or else I would have been so screwed.  We started Othello today and I'm going to have to get started on my ABC's, which is going to be a killer project that I realized I would probably have to finish earlier than I thought because I won't have spring break to do it, pretty much.  And there's like a bajillion other things to do in English during then.  And I just realized that I have to do a written piece in class tomorrow, and I have seminar.  

Math was okay, because it's never too confusing once you realize what Kotow is talking about.  But during then, I was talking to Susan and Sarah about how I'm not really taking chem AP for any reason at all, and they almost persuaded me to drop it.  If I dropped chem AP, I could use my spare to study calculus AP, which would be more useful for university since I'm taking math-based courses and no chemistry courses at all.  Plus, chemistry AP is stressing me out so badly, and I don't know why I don't understand any of the concepts.  It's like if I'm staring at everything, I see the formula but it just doesn't connect.  Which is weird, because last semester everything made so much sense to me.  I don't know what happened that made me lose so much confidence in myself, and in the fact that I am (or was) good at chemistry.  I finally struggled through my chemistry homework, and I still have to go to tutorials tomorrow to ask for help still.  I told my friends in my chem AP class that I was considering dropping it, and they all tried to persuade me not to.  And Schrottner called me the "ray of sunshine" in our class, and told me to just hang on and keep fighting through.  And I want to fight through; I really hate giving up.  But it's just so hard and it feels like I'm barely staying afloat right now.  Maybe I just need to fix my study habits and discipline myself.  

I started driving lessons today.  It's just the in-class lessons though, so they are pretty boring.  I think my instructor is from India, and sometimes you can't even understand what he's saying.  He also has long chest hair.  And he makes us all read aloud from the powerpoint or the book, and I already made a fool of myself twice.  I made a friend, though.  The girl who was sitting beside me was very nice, and she goes to Bowness, and we had a conversation about band and travel and school.  Oh, and before I went, my mom deep-fried pork for dinner so I reeked of Chinese food.  I felt really bad for everyone sitting around me because even I was getting a headache.  Yikes.

i can say the right things

I'm sorry for being so overly cheesy, but today I just felt SO incredibly happy! I just wanted to shout out and laugh, but of course I didn't. Honestly, I've never felt like this EVER! I am excited about all of this. It's weird to tell people, though. I mean, I always want to tell people, because I am just so happy that it's worked out like this, but it's just .. I don't know. I don't want to just blurt it out to everyone, I don't really understand the reasons why. However, it was really funny when I told Mikki, because Cailey came at that time, and when I finally said it, Cailey shrieked out and gave me a hug, and she was just so incredibly happy which made me smile.

But anyways. I feel like making a list.

1. There is a girl I met a couple months ago, a friend of mine introduced me to her when we bumped into her on the train. Ever since then, I see her everywhere, all the time! In the halls, in the cafeteria, at graduating ceremonies, it's nuts. Today I saw her when I walked over to the university to see if I could get some poster paper (I couldn't). We both walked into Mac Hall. And then I saw her again when I was walking out! Holy man. It's weird how it happens like this.

2. I have this really weird habit whenever I'm not thinking of any specific where I start counting from a random number. (28, 29, 30) .. and I'll count until I suddenly realize what I'm doing, and I forget what number I was at. Who does that? Or why do I do that? I used to do it when I was younger, when I'd count street lights starting at whatever number I wanted. Now I do it mostly when I'm listening to music, I'll count the beats from a number like 1022, or when I'm walking and I count my steps. Sometimes it really bothers me; I hate counting.

3. We're going to have a party in band tomorrow! I'm buying cake. I have to remember to buy cake. Mr. Paddock doesn't know we're having a party tomorrow.

4. WE NEED TO HANG OUT! Like, all three of us. asap. I miss you guys and we haven't done anything in a while! There are just so many things to say that can't be expressed on a computer screen.

5. I like starting or ending things on 5s and 10s. It's weird for me when it's in between.

listening to: sing me spanish techno - the new pornographers

broken hearts last for a million years

Today was busy, but I don't know if it was exciting. Basketball tryouts started today, and I don't think I did extremely well. I spend too much time comparing myself to other people, I spend too much time worrying. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will prove that I am capable of not sucking. But I'm not even that sure if I want to play basketball anymore. After all, it will take up so much time that I barely have. Basketball in the morning, basketball in the evening. It's hectic. Also, I don't think that one of the coaches likes me very much. She always has something to say about what I'm doing. Maybe I'm just doing everything wrong.

After school I put up posters for The Iconographer, all by myself. It felt kind of weird, as if I was putting up a bit of myself, giving a part of my soul away. Even though they were photocopied. The repetitive motion of putting up tape, and then slapping on the papers onto the walls nearly drove me insane.

illuminate the 'no's on their vacancy signs

Oh dang, I haven't been updating this blog as much as I usually do. Either yesterday or the day before, I had something really witty or observational to say, but I forgot it.

And now I'm not so witty.

It was a long day at school today. Thursdays are so long now because of Wind Ensemble and Beauty and the Beast. It's actually scary about much music is engulfing my life right now. I'm still considering doing set drums for someone, I don't know. I don't know if it's sincerely because I want to, or if it's because of other obvious reasons. If it's for the latter, then I just shouldn't do it because that's stupid and so typically what a girl would do. And I don't like to stereotype. Wow, that did not make sense.

It was Henry's birthday yesterday, so today I sang Happy Birthday to him today, standing on a chair, in Chinese. Sometimes I wonder why I am so ridiculous, and if I am obnoxious, and if I'm just like everyone I dislike but I just can't see it.

she has not been able to sleep since the days of trudeau

On Wednesday, it would have been the ninth month my sister and I would be going without junk food. It has been a long time since we could eat ice cream or sour soothers without being guilty. But that's all over. Yes, today at 6:50 pm, we decided to truce and be allowed to eat junk food from now until eternity.

It feels weird to not have to say "no" anymore. Today, we went out for dinner for my sister's birthday, and my sister and I ordered pop. After our meal, we had a chocolate avalanche (which, by the way, was gloriously sweet).

I am so very glad we're not on this bet anymore. Plus, technically, I'm the true winner. TRUE WINNER!

relax, take it easy

After choir this morning, I went with Cailey and Megan to the art room, so I could just chill (and maybe study) while they did their art enrichment. While I was sitting there, suddenly Ms. Marriott comes and tells me that I should join art enrichment, because it would be a lot of fun, and I would make a lot of friends (because Megan and Cailey told her that I had no friends). Before I knew it, my name was being written on the sign up sheet, and I was cutting out a hummingbird for my bowl. I don't even know what's going on.

It's such a problem for me. I just can't say no to anyone, I always feel so guilty when I do. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I end up doing it even if it hinders me doing so. I'd walk a completely opposite way with someone just so that they wouldn't have to walk alone. Or I'll bring my laptop to school almost every day so Jocelyne and I can watch stuff on it, even though it is inconvenient and makes my backpack really heavy. Or, I'll join things like choir and art enrichment. I was seriously so close to joining wind ensemble today, even though I know that I don't have enough time for it, and that I don't want to be in it if none of my friends are in it. Plus, there are people I dislike in wind ensemble, and if I have to share a room with them when they go to Vic Louis, I swear I'd go crazy.

I wish I could write about things that people actually gave a fuck about.

don't call me boring, it's just cause i like you

I don't think I can eat junk food anymore. It makes me feel guilty, and then my stomach hurts.

it could begin and end in one evening

It has been six months and six days, and I have yet to succumb. Go me. I don't think I've written a proper blog in a couple of days, and I am bored out of my mind, so I guess that rambling and uncollected thoughts shall now ensue.

I had a golf tournament today, and while I thought that it was ok, I keep thinking "holy GOD you suck, why are you still playing, just stop wasting your family's money and just QUIT!" There is always that insane voice in my head, though, that says "you'll get better, you just need to practice! You'll be shooting 90s soon enough, you'll get everything together, you just need to be patient!" And all the while, I'm in the middle of "are you fucking kidding?" and "I'll try."

I feel kind of down right now because of golf. It makes me feel like a failure. Especially when the fourteen year old I played with today, with a handicap only five less than me, shoots a 84 while I have an embarrassing 114. This cycle is vicious and it just keeps going full circle. When it comes to golf, I'm always going to come up short and that just fucking sucks.

listening to: swimmers - broken social scene

we won't ever feel the storm

So I was going to talk about my golf game, but it was just too horrendous to talk about. Instead, I will try to find something else to talk about.

Six months ago, in January, my sisters and I swore off of junk food. Chocolate, icecream, pie ... even french fries are not allowed. However, we were allowed one exception per month (my mom's idea; she thought we'd drive ourselves crazy if we didn't get at least a little bit of sugar. We didn't exactly object.), and two cans of pop per month. We were to last six months, and if you caved, you had to pay up twenty-five bucks to the person who lasts the longest.

My younger sister conceded first. She lasted four months before giving up, hollering "I can't do this anymore! I. NEED. CHOCOLATE." She then went directly to our pantry and pulled out a box of chocolates.

Yesterday was the last day of the six months. My older sister and I are still going for it. Actually, she lost after three months, but she wanted to be back in the competition because she didn't want to eat unhealthy anymore. She has to pay forty dollars instead of twenty-five. But now that we're past six months, it's sudden death; we no longer have any exceptions. Plus, we've banned a lot of things that we could eat before. We're not allowed to eat pizza, hot dogs, or popcorn anymore.

Sometimes, I honestly do feel like giving up, but I am way too competitive. I really hate losing. It's one of the many, many, many flaws to my character.