When I was in grade one, I had a best friend named Marissa. I'm not sure what exactly qualified her as my best friend, but I would occasionally go to her house and play with her. I also invited her to the one and only birthday party I would have until grade eight. She gave me an Esmeralda doll that my mom would later re-gift as a present for another friend.
I think Marissa may be the only real best friend I've ever had. As I grew, I somewhat distanced myself from my friends. During my years in King Edward and at Langevin, I had five friends who I was close with, but not that close that I could confide everything to. We would talk about school stuff, and we would play at the park during recess, and all the stuff that kids would do. There were sleepovers, and birthday parties, and the group projects. I have never, ever, however, expressed my truest feelings to these people, these five girls who I spent everyday with, my five friends I have known for six years and counting.
Why? Probably the fact that I had spent grade five more individually than the regular grade five kid. Probably the fact that we had a falling out during grade eight. Or maybe it was the fact that all of our conversations were either: a)how (insert insult here) (insert name here) was, or b)about school work. As we grew up, it eventually got to boys, but that barely touched the surface. We were the kind of girls who never discussed how we were feeling, unless they were feelings about anger. When some of us got to the point of dating, they did everything they could to hide the fact and show absolutely no evidence of what they were doing. It was as if all we wanted each other for was, well, someone to play tag with at the playground.
Since I changed schools, I've met so many new people. I haven't talked to my old friends as much, if at all. Some friendships I have made have impacted me so much, and some people I have became friends with are honestly people I don't think I could live without. I believe that there are one or two people I could consider to be my best friend, but I have an incurable fear that the thought isn't mutual. And what's it to be best friends with someone if they don't consider you one of their best friends? Imagine trusting your life to someone who could think of you as merely an acquaintance. I have always been afraid of burdening someone with my trust. After all, why would someone be genuinely interested in my fears, my thoughts, or my feelings? Even though I sometimes think about people, or worry about friends when I can't fall asleep, what makes me think that somebody would bother to worry about me at one in the morning?
listening to: science vs. romance - rilo kiley
I think Marissa may be the only real best friend I've ever had. As I grew, I somewhat distanced myself from my friends. During my years in King Edward and at Langevin, I had five friends who I was close with, but not that close that I could confide everything to. We would talk about school stuff, and we would play at the park during recess, and all the stuff that kids would do. There were sleepovers, and birthday parties, and the group projects. I have never, ever, however, expressed my truest feelings to these people, these five girls who I spent everyday with, my five friends I have known for six years and counting.
Why? Probably the fact that I had spent grade five more individually than the regular grade five kid. Probably the fact that we had a falling out during grade eight. Or maybe it was the fact that all of our conversations were either: a)how (insert insult here) (insert name here) was, or b)about school work. As we grew up, it eventually got to boys, but that barely touched the surface. We were the kind of girls who never discussed how we were feeling, unless they were feelings about anger. When some of us got to the point of dating, they did everything they could to hide the fact and show absolutely no evidence of what they were doing. It was as if all we wanted each other for was, well, someone to play tag with at the playground.
Since I changed schools, I've met so many new people. I haven't talked to my old friends as much, if at all. Some friendships I have made have impacted me so much, and some people I have became friends with are honestly people I don't think I could live without. I believe that there are one or two people I could consider to be my best friend, but I have an incurable fear that the thought isn't mutual. And what's it to be best friends with someone if they don't consider you one of their best friends? Imagine trusting your life to someone who could think of you as merely an acquaintance. I have always been afraid of burdening someone with my trust. After all, why would someone be genuinely interested in my fears, my thoughts, or my feelings? Even though I sometimes think about people, or worry about friends when I can't fall asleep, what makes me think that somebody would bother to worry about me at one in the morning?
listening to: science vs. romance - rilo kiley
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