realization

I used to think that I always wanted to be surrounded by people I knew, even if I didn't know them very well. But these days I feel like unless I'm with the people I really want to be with (you know who you are), I'd much rather be alone.

listening to: liver and tan - the neighbourhood council

i'm allison,

I over think things to the point that they infect my dreams. I am terrified of awkward situations and falling down stairs. I appreciate people who make conversations easy. I also appreciate good hugs. If I love a song, I will play it 80 times in a row and still love it. My favourite thing in life is photography. I also golf, and I still like Tiger Woods. When I say I love you I mean it, and when you break my heart it hurts a lot. I've had a lot of people walk in and out of my life, so I find it hard to trust people. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I trust myself anymore. Sometimes I have no idea what I'm feeling. There are certain songs that will make me want to cry. I don't know what my life is turning out to be, but I guess nobody knows. I should be studying for my anthropology/calculus finals tomorrow, but I am a procrastinator. I can remember very specific points of my life, and sometimes it disappoints me when the person I share the memory with doesn't remember. I am an awkward person and I'm not really sure why anyone is friends with me. The end.

listening to: suzie (i love you) - michael bernard fitzgerald

while you wait for the others

I guess now that I'm eighteen, I'm discovering that I'm not the biggest fan of clubs, or of drinking. It is probably because of the fact that I am Asian, therefore cheap. And clubs and drinks are expensive. But anyways. Lots of my friends are finding it weird that I didn't get drunk on my birthday, and that I have not gotten drunk ever, but maybe it's nicer this way. I am much more introverted than I thought.

Also, I met a cute guy yesterday, who kept smiling and saying hi to me at golf tryouts. And then, just out of chance, he was sitting in my computer science lecture all alone. I was so choked when we realized that he was supposed to be in the room next door; I didn't even get to know his name!

But, I'm keeping my hopes up. We're in neighboring lecture rooms on Fridays at the least. And hopefully he made the golf team as well! A nice engineer-golfer-boy who wears skinny pants and has a really great smile and is super nice .. how often does that come along?

honesty

Sometimes I wish that I could die in a car crash, just so I could give up without actually giving up myself.

"What a shame," they'd say, "she had years to look forward to."

But I think I would be happy.

quenching your curiosity

Would the 10 year old you be happy to see where you're at today?

I'm more or less the same person as I was seven years ago.

What did you last write an essay on?

Truth and idealism.

Is there anything you keep forgetting to do?

Yeah .. which is why I owe so many people so much money.

If you were kicked out of your current house, where would you go?

Mikalina's house, most likely.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?

Lots.

Are you looking forward to anything?

Yes!

Is there any boy or girl worth fighting for?

He's worth it, but I'm not fighting for him.

Would you rather have knowledge or wisdom?

Wisdom is utilizing knowledge, so I would rather have wisdom.

If you could see any band in concert, who would it be?

Hmm there are a lot of bands I would want to see. But if it was ANY band, I would want to see Broken Social Scene. Full lineup. With Chad VanGaalen opening because that would rule so hard.

Do happy endings exist in your world?

The only happy ending is death.

Do you learn from your mistakes or find yourself constantly repeating them?

I think I learn from my mistakes.

Do you believe that all members of the opposite sex are basically the same?

No, everybody is unique.

Admit it, you love postsecret.com, don’t you?

I do love it.

What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

I really love people who can say the things you need to hear at the right time.

At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

Those Coca Cola candies. I'm not really a big fan of candy in general.

What's the most messed up food combination that you've had that was actually good?

I don't necessarily mix up my food.

What's something that always makes you feel better about yourself?

Hugs.

Do you feel more comfortable, in general, in the presence of males or females?

I feel more comfortable around certain people, regardless of gender.

What is your biggest annoyance about the people that go to your school?

So much drama.

What compliments do you receive most often regarding your physical appearance?

My hair. Although I just cut it!

What song describes you perfectly?

The Season by The Dodos.

Do you find out who is knocking before you actually open the door?

Yeah, there is a window on my door.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?

If I was holding hands with them, I was probably really comfortable with that person .. so I would, on the cheek.

If you were a doll, the accessories packaged with me would be?

Sunglasses, coloured pants, and shoes.

I have a fear of:

Falling down stairs.

Has a girl sat on your bed before?

Yes.

Who is the funniest person you know?

Gah so many to choose from

Are you afraid to grow up?

Not really, it's inevitable.

What is your worst subject in school?

Biology, hands down.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?

Probably.

What is something you wish you had more of?

Time and understanding.

When was the last time you cried?

Probably a couple weeks ago .. I hit a real low.

Last person you saw other than your family?

Er .. my extended family. Other than that, my manager.

Do you wash your hair in the shower?

Yeah, it's easier than in the sink.

Do you have someone who you can completely be yourself around?

There are some people I am so myself around that it's almost embarassing.

Are you usually the first to say you're sorry in a fight or last?

It depends on what we are fighting about.

Anything you want to say to someone?

There are lots of things I want to say to someone.

Honestly how many people have you truly fallen for?

One.

How many times do you talk on the phone a day on average?

On average, zero. Point one.

Do you think you could forgive someone who murdered your family?

Negatory.

What's the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?

Love.

If you could pack up and move away right now, would you?

No, I love my family.

How was your day?

Long. Also, a lot of people asked me that today.

What's your current problem?

There is not enough time to balance golf and friends. Also, I haven't really studied for my calculus exam yet.

Do you have a best friend?

Yes.

What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?

Whatevs.

Does someone have a crush on you?

That is doubtful.

Do you and your best friend have a song?

Chad VanGaalen is pretty much the soundtrack to our friendship.

Have you ever done anything illegal?

Yes but it wasn't that illegal haha.

Was your new years enjoyable?

I'm pretty sure it was.

Who was the last person to play with your hair?

Uh .. can't remember.

Think of the last person you kissed, have you cried in their arms?

No.

Now think of the person you kissed before that last person, did you cry in their arms?

No, I don't really cry in people's arms.

What's one thing you do when you're mad?

Clench my teeth.

When is the last time you saw number 2 on your top friends?

Who's number two?

Who's on your mind right now?

Nobody.

How do you feel about your hair right now?

I'm growing to like it.

Where were you at midnight last night?

Hanging out in my room.

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you now?

Zero.

What does the tenth text in your inbox say, and who from?

"Haha its cuz you felt obligated to surrounded by all those nerdy people" - Nancy, regarding my studying habits.

Who was the last person you shot a dirty look at?

My sister.

Did anyone yell at you today?

More like angrily talking to me .. my sister.

Who did you spend your summer with?

My last summer? Gavin.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

This quiz.

Most annoying thing in your life?

You're, your, their, there, they're, to, too.

Have you ever thought you liked someone and then found out that you really didn't?

Nope.

Do you drink water?

SHOOT! I forgot my water bottle at work!

Do you think someone is thinking about you?

Who would want to think of me?

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?

Yes.

What do you want?

To be in the top ten for the poster contest .. so badly.

What were you doing at seven this morning?

Checking my iPod for the time and going back to sleep.

Would you ever get a tattoo?

Possibly.

Are you stubborn?

Sometimes I am.

Do you have more than 1 best friend?

Yes.

Has someone ever called you beautiful?

Yes! It made me really happy.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?

I don't look that far ahead.

Do you straighten your hair often?

Negatory.

Who did you spend most of your time with last night?

Cecilia, Maggie, and Julia! It was a fun time.

Do you like to make the first move?

No, I'm such a chicken!

Kiss with eyes open or closed?

Closed.

Do you like messages or comments better?

Messages.

What are you drinking?

Nothing.

Which do you bite more, your lips, tongue, or your finger nails?

My lip.

Do you have empty alcohol bottles hidden anywhere?

No I don't drink.

Where is your ex right now?

No idea.

Who did you talk to on the phone last/why?

Bronwyn, we were going to go watch a movie.

What are the chances of you having the person you like?

The same as being hit by a shooting star.

Do you think you'll have the same best friends a year from now?

I hope!

Are you physically weak or strong?

Strong, I think.

How many people could you not live without?

Most of them.

Are you okay with making a total fool of yourself?

Around the right people.

Would you go into public looking like you do now?

Uh it would look a bit strange.

Pick a word that begins with the first letter of your first name?

Allowed.

Where will you be in an hour?

In bed.

What makes you happy?

Mikalina.

What was your favorite childhood TV show?

I think it was Sesame Street.

Who did you have your last deep conversation with?

I think it might've been Bronwyn.

Do you enjoy late night conversations?

I never really have late night conversations.

Do you like your bed?

It is the best place in the world.

Do you know what you're going to wear tomorrow?

Uh no.

How many hours of sleep did you get yesterday?

Seven and a half.

How are you feeling?

Tired as heck!

Are you an argumentative person?

Depends on who I am around.

What kind of pants are you wearing at the moment?

Gym shorts.

What is the color of the shirt you're wearing right now?

Black.

What is the date two days after your birthday?

September 8th.

What is your least favorite color?

I don't really know.

Do you blow dry your hair?

Yes I hate leaving my hair wet.

Are there any products in your hair currently?

No I don't really do anything to my hair ever.

Can you see a stuffed animal from where you're sitting?

Negatory.

Have you taken a shower today?

Yes.

Are you one of those people who never drink pop?

No, I like pop.

Were you single on your last birthday?

No..

Are there any stressful situations in your life?

Yes.

Have you done anything stupid lately?

Not really.

Are you a loud person?

Around certain people at certain times.

Where is the boy/girl you like now?

Nonexisting somewhere in the land of nonexistence.

Were you happy when you woke up today?

Probably not, because I was waking up.

Where is your dad?

Downstairs, probably sleeping.

Would you date someone with piercings/tattoos?

Depends on what/where.

Do you trust all of your friends?

Only a handful.

Are you a rude person?

I don't try to be.

f-f-f-factoid of the day

I figured I'd just lay out a list of things about myself for this post.  I think it'd be interesting to go back on it later in my life and think about how much I've changed.  So here goes:

1. I hate yogurt.  Although it's been like this for pretty much all my life, I doubt it'll change anytime soon.  I hate the way it smells.  I think I had it once when I was seven or something like that, and it was the grossest thing ever.  I also dislike pie; I don't have good vibes about cooked fruit.
2. When something is bothering me, I get extremely introverted and I stop talking about anything.  I think it's because when something is bothering me, it will occupy the majority of my mind, and I hate talking about my problems so I'll end up not saying anything at all.  This was discovered in the summer.  Whenever Gavin and I went for a walk or hung out at his house, and something was upsetting me, he'd always ask me why I wasn't saying anything.  And then sometimes I would open up to him and we'd start having conversations again.
3. I have a hard time saying no to anything, which always leads me into conflicts or doing things I don't actually want to do.  I hate disappointing people.  I'm pretty spineless.  I wish I could tell people I don't want to do things they want me to do, but usually I just suck it up and do it.  Whenever people make plans, for example, and I don't want to go, I'll go anyways because I don't want to tell them the truth.
4. I worry a lot about how people think about me.  Probably more than what's natural.  It leads me to be pretty timid, and a lot of the time I will formulate an action in my mind but I won't act on it until I confirm that people will approve.  It's terrible, I know, but I can't help it.  Everything I say is thought and contained in my brain minutes after they are conjured, and aren't released until I have triple checked that it's alright to say it.
5. When I hear a really catchy song, I have to listen to it a million and one times, and I still would love it after that.  Case in point:  Willow Tree by Chad VanGaalen.  I listened to that song over 200 times.  In a row.  And I still love it.  I think I listened to Lemonade by The Neighbourhood Council like 50 times in a row.  Right now I am hooked on Stuck For The Summer by Two Hours Traffic.  If you have time you should check it out.

So that concludes my list for now, I am tired and today was not a good day so I'm going to go to bed and hopefully start fresh tomorrow.

the wind brings scars from finer ladies

My hand is extremely extremely sore right now.  Spending ten hours reviewing math is most definitely not the ideal way to spend a Saturday, but that's basically what I did.  And yesterday.  And the day before.  And the day before that.  I am actually so sick of my room, this laptop, and this very uncomfortable chair I am sitting on.  But I've got pretty high goals for my exams, and I really need to accomplish them.  If it means that I have to sit in the same spot and practice solving for "x" hundred and hundreds of times, so be it.  Plus, I get a sense of satisfaction whenever I get a question right.  Nerdy but it's true.  I like doing math because I like being right.

I deactivated my Facebook, and the only time I've hung out with people since Wednesday is at review sessions at school.  Part of me doesn't really mind.  The person I was back in elementary school kicks in and causes me to enjoy this individualism.  My favorite part of studying is being alone and singing along to my music playing at full volume.  Doing math and chemistry distracts me from everything else that's going on.  I don't really mind. 

listening to:  the future, pt. 1 - voxtrot

i can say the right things

I'm sorry for being so overly cheesy, but today I just felt SO incredibly happy! I just wanted to shout out and laugh, but of course I didn't. Honestly, I've never felt like this EVER! I am excited about all of this. It's weird to tell people, though. I mean, I always want to tell people, because I am just so happy that it's worked out like this, but it's just .. I don't know. I don't want to just blurt it out to everyone, I don't really understand the reasons why. However, it was really funny when I told Mikki, because Cailey came at that time, and when I finally said it, Cailey shrieked out and gave me a hug, and she was just so incredibly happy which made me smile.

But anyways. I feel like making a list.

1. There is a girl I met a couple months ago, a friend of mine introduced me to her when we bumped into her on the train. Ever since then, I see her everywhere, all the time! In the halls, in the cafeteria, at graduating ceremonies, it's nuts. Today I saw her when I walked over to the university to see if I could get some poster paper (I couldn't). We both walked into Mac Hall. And then I saw her again when I was walking out! Holy man. It's weird how it happens like this.

2. I have this really weird habit whenever I'm not thinking of any specific where I start counting from a random number. (28, 29, 30) .. and I'll count until I suddenly realize what I'm doing, and I forget what number I was at. Who does that? Or why do I do that? I used to do it when I was younger, when I'd count street lights starting at whatever number I wanted. Now I do it mostly when I'm listening to music, I'll count the beats from a number like 1022, or when I'm walking and I count my steps. Sometimes it really bothers me; I hate counting.

3. We're going to have a party in band tomorrow! I'm buying cake. I have to remember to buy cake. Mr. Paddock doesn't know we're having a party tomorrow.

4. WE NEED TO HANG OUT! Like, all three of us. asap. I miss you guys and we haven't done anything in a while! There are just so many things to say that can't be expressed on a computer screen.

5. I like starting or ending things on 5s and 10s. It's weird for me when it's in between.

listening to: sing me spanish techno - the new pornographers

you can't see that i'm the same as all the stupid people that you hate

I like being able to pass notes in band class. I like making nicknames, I wish people would make some for me. I like trying to not talk to Kaitlyn while studying and failing. I like drawing on my notes, I like how Christmas is really soon. I like how I'm focusing in school now, but not how I got a 76 on my quiz even though I studied really hard. I like laughing from the inside out. I like being enthusiastic, getting a pat on the head, watching The Importance of Being Earnest. I like getting hugs around the waist. I like American Apparel hoodies. I like taking pictures, and editing them. I like thinking of Christmas presents, but I have no idea how I'm going to get them all finished in time. I think I like myself right now.

abbey,

Currently, I should be starting on a powerpoint presentation for social studies, or studying for the unit test I will be having in biology, but I am deciding that I will combine the two things you read by me into one. Rest assured, this will not replace a note, because there are some things I'd rather say privately, but currently this feels like the only way to write this entry.

Right now I am listening to your CD. I am on the first song. "What's A Girl To Do," that's the title, right? I like it. I wish someday we can just sit down and have a long talk, I miss times like those. The other day, on the way home from band camp, I had a really good talk with one of my friends, and I learned so much about her! It was amazing. I had a BALLIN' time at band camp! It was much better than last year, when I knew nobody and spent the nights doing homework. No, this time we danced and talked, and sung until our voices were hoarse. And we did band rehearsals.

I dream about talking to people. You have popped up in my dreams once in a while. Other times, I'm just going through my day. When I was at band camp, one night when at 2 in the morning, we were talking and I was almost drifting into a sleep when suddenly I heard all this drumming in my head. Like, tribal music! It was so trippy. I got freaked out and I woke up.

Those Nexopia internet surveys irritate me SO much! I hate it when people have like a zillion of those things posted in their blogs. Like, they don't have any substantial to actually say? Those things are so superficial. I refuse to do them. I've only ever posted one of those, it was a "how dumb are you?" quiz, and I was only 6% dumb. But that was when I was in grade nine, and I have never posted another survey thing EVER after that.

I enjoyed the New Pornographers so, so much, it was amazing. My sisters and I got front row spots right in front of Dan Bejar. He's my older sister's favorite. Mine's Neko Case. I didn't think that any cameras would be allowed, because there were guys checking bags at the front. But I saw a lot of flashes, so I guess some people managed to get their cameras in.

Both of my sisters liked it, both of them were there. Did you not see them when we passed by to go home? Yes, my younger sister is so, so tall. We went to the doctor's today and she is in the 80th percentile regarding her height. I'm just below 50. I think her pants make her look taller too, for some reason. She just got them in Seattle, and they are skinny jeans, and for some reason she just looks so overwhelmingly tall in them. By the way, for some reason both of my sisters know you, and every time I talk about a friend, they always assume it's you. I go like, "so my friend ..." and then they're like "oh, is it that Abbey girl?" Yes, they call you that Abbey girl. Is that weird?

How soon is soon? Getting a tattoo sounds exciting, I wish I was brave enough to get one. Did I ever tell you that once I had a dream that I was getting a tattoo so some friends of mine (I don't even know who they were) could get change for french fries? I've never felt so shaky in my sleep! My back kept seizing up in my sleep, I don't know if it was actually doing that for real. I was getting the tattoo on the back of my neck. It was going to be an eighth note, because of a 6Teen episode I watched where one of the characters was really into music and was getting a tattoo for some reason, so he got an eighth note on his arm. Anyways.

I am on track five of the first CD right now. I can't believe you burnt two CDs! And that the first one has 20 tracks on it! That's unbelievable! Thank you so much for them. As of now, I have had three CDs burnt for me. Not including the one my cousin burnt for me when I was really young. It had the Backstreet Boys and O-Town on it. I really love burning CDs for people, even though it always takes me a long time to decide the track listing. I go through pretty much all of my songs on my iPod. Some songs I know immediately that I'm going to put it on a CD, no matter what, but some of them I take a double take and go, "hey, I think that would be so amazing for (the person receiving the CD)." You know what is awesome? Mix tapes. Tapes were so awesome. When my cousins and my siblings and I used to go skiing together, we'd bring our mix tapes and play them on the way there and back, and sing to them. I loved those ski trips. I remember listening to LFO. Have you ever heard the song "Girl on TV"?

I will answer the questions right now, you will get your questions (and some more writing) tomorrow:
1. Do you do drugs?
No, I do not do drugs. I used to take antihistamines when I was ten, because I used to have eczema and it would keep me up at night. They didn't work. I tried a lot of stuff to get rid of my eczema. I used to have to drink this powdered vitamin shit in water that was the GROSSEST STUFF EVER!!! God I hated it so much, and I had to drink a cup of it every single day for a whole summer.
2. What kind of shampoo do you use?
I use Pantene Pro-V, the conditioner makes my hair feel really, really smooth after I wash it! But really, I use whatever is on sale, because that's the only reason why my mom would buy it. I have such an Asian family, seriously.
3. What are you most scared of?
I'm not really sure. I have this weird fear of feet, but I don't think it's what I'm most scared of. But I HATE FEET! They creep me out, I don't know why, I don't like looking at them or touching them or anything. My siblings make fun of me for it and they always terrorize me with their feet. I hate it. I don't know. I guess I am kind of scared of dying. Not of death, but just how I die. What I'm sliced open, and that's the way I die? That's scary! Although it also sounds very cool.
4. What are you listening to right now?
Hey Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken! Track 8! I love this song. I haven't listened to Camera Obscura in awhile, although it's on my iPod. They are such an amazing band, I love their lyrics. I guess I would have to thank Heather for getting me into them.
5. Who was the last person that called you?
Heather was the last person I talked to, and I'm sorry if it was a terrible conversation, because I was really tired! Heather is the only person who ever calls me, it's a bit devastating. Just kidding. I'm not very good on the phone, talking in person is so much better. I'm getting a new cell phone in the next few weeks and I will be getting UNLIMITED EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS! Which is so much better than my old plan! Which means that I am going to have to totally take advantage of this situation! I don't know what kind of phone I want to get. I kind of want a Chocolate, but my friend said that they weren't very good. But, the white one looks so good! Looks vs Productivity, I don't know. It's a hard decision.
6. Where do you want to get married?
Why would you plan your wedding right now? That is ridiculous. What if you planned an underwater wedding when you're sixteen, and then when you are getting married, years later, it turns out that your fiance is afraid of water? Or, even worse, ALLERGIC to water? Then your dreams are shattered. And plus, who says I'll ever get married? The question should be, "Where WOULD you want to get married?" And I don't know. I don't think about these things. I'll tell you one thing, though: I wouldn't want a huge wedding. I've seen Bridezilla, and Rich Pride Poor Bride, and those weddings are ridiculous. Why would you spend so much money on something like that? Maybe eloping is a good option.
7. What would you change about yourself?
I don't know what I'd change. Maybe I'd make myself not exist. It would make so many people happier. Like, my parents. And my siblings. There would be so much more money for my family.
8. What are essentials in your life?
I'd have to say my friends, I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. This morning almost drove me nuts because I missed English, which is when I see all of my band friends. Instead, I had to go to the stupid doctor's! And my friends are the only reason why I like school. So, if I didn't have my friends, I would be a very, very sad person. Also, very lonely.
9. If you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be?
I would have to say that I'd want the power to go to any concert I wanted to. That would be so amazing! I'd want to see Final Fantasy this week, and Chad VanGaalen and Stars in November, and Kevin Drew in December. I'd also want to see Feist, because she is my ultimate favorite artist ever, and Darren Frank in Edmonton, and The New Pornographers ... again!! But then I'd wish that Broken Social Scene would get back together, because they would be such an amazing band to see live. I've read reviews! They sound like they're epic live!
10. What nationality are you?
This is really a question you want me to answer? I'm Chinese. Some people think I'm Japanese, because of my last name, but I assure you I am not. At band camp, there were a ridiculous number of times someone would say something that would infer a Chinese stereotype. It was really funny. Even the student teacher made some jokes about Chinese people.
11. Do you send out holiday cards each year?
Only to my grandparents, and they are hand drawn by ME. Because apparently nobody else in my family can make a decent card. I also make them cards for their birthday and for Mother's Day and Father's Day. It makes me sick of cards.

So anyways, this is a ridiculously long note-blog thing, wow! Hopefully I will have something to still write!

Love Allison

p.s. This is the very first time I have not used a song lyric for my title!

listening to: track 18. This song is in a commercial, isn't it? For Virgin Mobile?

relax, take it easy

After choir this morning, I went with Cailey and Megan to the art room, so I could just chill (and maybe study) while they did their art enrichment. While I was sitting there, suddenly Ms. Marriott comes and tells me that I should join art enrichment, because it would be a lot of fun, and I would make a lot of friends (because Megan and Cailey told her that I had no friends). Before I knew it, my name was being written on the sign up sheet, and I was cutting out a hummingbird for my bowl. I don't even know what's going on.

It's such a problem for me. I just can't say no to anyone, I always feel so guilty when I do. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I end up doing it even if it hinders me doing so. I'd walk a completely opposite way with someone just so that they wouldn't have to walk alone. Or I'll bring my laptop to school almost every day so Jocelyne and I can watch stuff on it, even though it is inconvenient and makes my backpack really heavy. Or, I'll join things like choir and art enrichment. I was seriously so close to joining wind ensemble today, even though I know that I don't have enough time for it, and that I don't want to be in it if none of my friends are in it. Plus, there are people I dislike in wind ensemble, and if I have to share a room with them when they go to Vic Louis, I swear I'd go crazy.

I wish I could write about things that people actually gave a fuck about.

if the dizzying highs don't subside

I over analyze everything to the DEATH. Even the simplest comment sets my brain off. I spend so much of my time worrying about certain actions. It gets to the point where I'm obsessing over things I said hours ago, and I'm trying to decipher a laugh from months before.

Last night, I was trying to answer a question for English asking for the poet's feelings on a certain line. I couldn't get it. When I finally asked my dad, he gave me the answer that I had known, but refused to use. I kept thinking that there was a deeper underlying message to the whole poem that I couldn't see. I'm always doing that. I can never accept the fact that the answer could be that obvious. My mind can't grasp the fact that things could be that simple.

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes.

listening to: it's cool to love your family - feist

or did i turn myself against myself

I figured today that since I didn't have to golf, I'd sleep in and just relax. So I woke up at 9:00. Brilliant. Outside, a car alarm has been going off for at least fifteen minutes, and it has to be the most annoying sound ever. Everyone in the neighborhood can probably hear it, so SHUT IT OFF. Holy god. I think an alarm went off a couple days ago too. And now it's finally shut off.

I don't really have anything to say, but I kind of want to keep writing. I'm not a good talker. My brain doesn't work so that I can think of topics right on the spot, and so whenever I have a conversation with someone, there is usually a lot of awkward silences. Unless the person I'm talking to is a fantastic talker, and can keep the conversation going on no matter what. I like listening a lot more; I have opened up my message history with a close friend, where we have hundreds and hundreds of conversations, and she's usually the one talking. The things I'll say are like "lol" or "hahaha" or "yeahhh". But she has a lot of stuff to rant about.

The fact that I don't really like to talk kind of scares me, because I always think when I hang out with someone, "what if it ends up being totally awkward, and that person doesn't enjoy the time we spent, or thinks that I'm an awful person?" Wow, I have a lot of insecurities. And mosquito bites.

and everyone must breathe until their dying breath

I guess when you're bored, you're pretty much compelled to write something. As the case for me. So, without further ado, here are three completely (?) true things about myself.

1. I've had a couple people tell me that I have good music taste. I really don't. The whole reason I got into the music I'm into is because my older sister updated my iPod for me. And I didn't have any other source of music, so I just went to the flow. And if my sister didn't give me the music, people who do have good music taste recommended it to me. I don't think I've actually found any good music on my own.
2. I spent six or seven years playing the piano. Those were very, very tough years. Our piano teacher was extremely strict, and if you weren't playing well, you were in trouble. I can remember several lessons where I'd leave either very, very angry or almost (or already) in tears. Thanks to our strict 1-hour-a-day practices, piano lessons, and perseverance, though, I won a lot of Kiwanis music competitions. In fact, in every competition I entered (except in level two), I got either second or first place. I've got a whole lot of scholarships from piano too. And, in 2000, I had the highest exam mark in level five in the entire province. So, what did I do after I finished level eight? I quit piano for sports. However, I still have to do several piano-related things in my house. For example, I have to help my younger siblings with their ear training. Last year, I taught my brother his preliminary theory. He scored a 97%. Also another fact: out of everyone on my mom's side, including our family, every single person who took piano finished their level eight but one.
3. I'm absolutely terrible at finding the right things to say. It's probably because I haven't experienced nearly enough things to be able to understand the situation. Instead, I just search for the right things to say in lyrics. Sometimes you can find the exact things you need to hear in a song. Plus, they get the whole poetry thing going on, so not only are the words right, they sound really good too.
   

Oh, and I really like the name Abbey. It sounds like a name that could match someone with a fantastic personality.

listening to: somewhere i know there is nothing - chad vangaalen