one huge void

I am at this point in my life where I should be happy.  Nothing bad is happening and yet it feels like there is a huge part of me missing.  It is like when I forget what I was going to say .. it just isn't even registered in my brain and it just bugs me.  I feel so broken and jagged but there is no reason!  I've been having dreams where I have been in car accidents and I am distancing myself while trying always to get closer.

Maybe I'm just not happy with myself.

listening to:  signs - bloc party

what makes you think it's going to last

All my feelings have seemed to dry up, and all that is left is an empty resevoir.  All of the hurt is gone, I guess.  Or it occurs in sharp pangs, lasting only minutes before I forget all about it.  I'm happy!  I only find distaste in English, when she piles not one, but two projects to be done for the unit we are about to do.  There's not too long until grad.  Not long until this stress will all be gone, washed away for the summer and forgotten until the fall.

Here's to looking ahead!  My goals for the upcoming months:

1) Start running every day (after the snow has melted).  2) Try to keep this 90 in English (although that seems like it won't happen).  3) Own my chem AP exam (and then it will be all over!).  4)  Get my math mark above 90.  5) Practice driving/get better at it.  6) Qualify for nationals (golf in New Brunswick = amazing).  

listening to:  everybody broke me up - kevin drew

i have too many flaws

I haven't written an entry in a while (three weeks?  I can't remember going on a hiatus that long since I decided not to blog for a month), so it seems appropriate that I should do it while I am in the midst of being extremely busy.  Yes, things have been hectic since I got back from Germany.  Which, by the way, was amazing.  That's what I tell everyone because describing the trip is just too hard.  It might've been the best thing that has ever happened in my life thus far, which is pretty great considering I have been living seventeen years (however I'm a pretty boring person, so I guess it's not that great).  Luckily we were required to keep a trip journal the entire time we were there, so I have everything recorded and I don't need to scribe it here, re-describing everything that happened.  Because a lot of stuff happened!  I'm going to pring out my favorite pictures and either a) make a photojournal, b) put them on my wall, or c) all of the above.  I haven't decided yet.  This, of course, will be when I have more time.

Boy have I been rambling!  I'm going to list everything I need to get done, which may be driving me to make this post longer and longer to put off my tasks.  I have to finish studying chemistry for my unit test tomorrow.  I have to study math for my midterm on Wednesday.  I have to get my Streetcar Named Desire booklet done before Monday.  I have to practice driving.  I have to practice golfing.  I have to burn CDs of my Germany photos for people by the end of this week.  There is just too much stuff going on!  I guess I am mostly caught up from missing days of school two weeks ago, but chemistry would have definitely been a lot easier if I learned electrochemistry with everyone else.  Half of me just wants to give up and wing it tomorrow.  I only really need over a fifty anyways.  But I'm afraid that by winging it, I'll end up failing it and that won't be a good feeling.  I am just so tired of trying all the time.  I'm tired of this unnecessary desire to want to be the best all the time.  Because I know I'm not, and that I will never be.  I am not good at anything and mediocre at everything.