money can't buy you back the love that you had then

This is the saddest conversation ever, I hate when you're upset. I hate that I can't make you feel better. When I was down you knew the exact words to say. Everything you touch turned to gold. Now I feel so bad. I feel like crying, or holding you in my arms. Today has been a crappy day, for the both of us.

listening to: 1 2 3 4 - feist

death is absolutely safe

Do you ever wonder what thoughts sound like in your head? Like, it's never like in the movies, where when you read a letter from someone you hear their voice. At least that doesn't happen to me. And when I think I don't hear my own voice. Maybe it's because you're not actually listening to anything, because it's already in your head. How do you hear things that don't go through your ears? Anyways. I was just thinking about that before I went to sleep last night.

I hung out with Gavin last night. We watched I Am Legend. That movie drives me a bit crazy, because I could never tell if a zombie was going to pop up or not so I was stressed about that the entire time. But other than that, it was pretty good. We couldn't find the alternate ending, so instead we stayed on his couch and talked about a lot of random things. He wouldn't let me kiss him because he was sick. After we played ping pong until my dad called to tell me that he was going to pick me up. And then we tried to play more, but Gavin was going a bit crazy so he rested his head on my lap and we talked some more. The night before he helped me realize why I wasn't talkative all week; because I'm scared of the future and of university and of failing and losing. But not really, anymore. People make mistakes, and things will fall together, and I have him to help me through all of this, which is absolutely the one thing I need.

listening to: the last page - emily haines & the soft skeleton

you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be

Last night when I was in your arms, I felt like crying. Everything just hit me at once: all of the things that happened earlier regarding my dad, doubt, maybe a little bit of hurt. But then your hands on my back, pulling me close to you, just made me feel so much better and you didn't even say anything. I realize that I need you, and I love you despite my unneeded fears and doubts.

kids don't know shit

I wish thoughts could exist in my mind, they're always coming and going, and they never last. I don't ever have any good thoughts anymore. I miss it. I used to be able to string things together easily, and now it's all just a big mess of superficial ideas that don't mean anything. And whenever I actually try to write anything meaningful it just sounds cliche. I wish I was a songwriter. I wish I was actually good at golf. I wish I was good at something. Things like life and future are easier to decide when you have something going for you, that's what was determined yesterday on the ride home. Nothing's going for me, though. I'm mediocre at best and nobody wants mediocre.

And I know it's selfish, but sometimes I just want to hang out with only you. I love our friends, and playing Pictionary and the strange car rides home, but I just really love it when you kiss me.

listening to: life in jail - islands

you're disappointed in the way she looks

I went to Cailey's house yesterday, and watched some Olympics before Mikki came over and we finally decided to watch the movie. Don't ever watch Smart People. Just don't. We spent the entire time complaining about how bad it was, and we didn't even think to turn off the movie and watch more Olympics. After the movie ended, anti-climatically, we decided to go to the playground. We hung around on the swings, and the spinning chairs, before we ran out to the field, and we ended up sitting in the middle of it and talking until Mikki finally had to go since she was biking home.

I have to work today, but after, my mom told me to hang out with Gavin because my family is going to my cousin's barbecue and my mom doesn't want to come to pick me up. And I'm kind of thankful for that!

we're all just sleeping around

My feet hurt. I like spending time at the golf course, despite the fact that we really don't do much there at all. Today I played interclub at Country Hills, and I played a decent 86. I had lunch with all of the other girls and won low net. I also got a free headcover for playing interclub! After interclub, Christie and I played another nine holes with some random people, and it was fun. I couldn't stop talking to her. We stopped taking practice swings and we'd finish conversations between shots. I shot exactly what I had shot on that nine in the morning. We then hung around the clubhouse for another hour. Doing what, I don't really know. We just walked around everywhere. But it was fun.

Last night, after band practice, I hung out with Gavin. We watched some of the women's diving, and then went to the mall to look at phones. He is so cute. When we were going into the mall, we went through Designer Depot, and he complained that they would think that he was whipped. And then he said that he was whipping me, so I refused to hold his hand and we walked on separate sides of the hall. While we were walking, he got closer and closer until he gave me a hug and I finally grabbed his hand. After we went back to his house and watched Olympic volleyball. I hate leaving him. He is going to Cirque Du Soleil tonight and I'm going to Mikalina's, and although I am excited to see Mikki and Cailey tonight, I still want to be with him right now.

you become everything you said you never would be

Good news for today, gang.

Today I played in the championship group with Jen and Rosie, although I really shouldn't have, because apparently I succumb to pressure. However, I still shot an 86, which is exactly what I should've shot with my handicap, so I ended up ten under par for both days. Guess what, guys? I won the overall low net! I'm Calgary's 2008 low net champion! I get a massive trophy with my name engraved in it given to my club for the year, and a small keeper trophy. I got $75, which was apparently the most anyone got in the tournament, and everyone there shook my hand or gave me a high five. All of my friends were proud of me! I am so extremely happy about this.

After the banquet, I got to hang out with Gavin, which really made today the best day. We made up for so much that we missed the passed two weeks! We watched the Olympics together, had dinner with his family, played ping pong, and then watched more Olympics. Honestly .. so much love for him.

stay awake to break the habit

Today I got to play with Rosie and Kristina. I was extremely stressed before I went to play - I had got there a bit late so I had to rush on the driving range - and even Kristina's dad noticed. There were no walkers allowed so my dad didn't watch me play. I had a decent front, a 40, so I was feeling pretty good about the round.

On the back nine, I shot three birdies and scored even par. I finished the last hole with a hard par. I didn't even hit the green! But Kristina and I determined that you could read the greens a million times better by lying on the green, so we did that and I sunk my par putt from twelve feet away. My dad got to see that hole. I scored a total of 76. I've never played a better round. I am pretty sure I am tied for second place!

And on top of all of that, Gavin comes home today. I woke up this morning with that thought in mind, it made me feel all nervous and excited. The adrenaline was just pumping through me all morning, I was so shaky when I was putting! It has been such a good day, it can't go down from here.

listening to: chronograph#1 - chad vangaalen

i realized how i need you

Yesterday was a good day. I played my practice round at McCall Lake with Jen and Kristina. The tees were like rough, and the greens were like fairways, but I had a really fun time and I still shot well despite the fact that none of us were really paying attention. We took so many pictures, it was ridiculous. I can't wait until Monday, when Kristina and I play together, and when Gavin comes back so I can finally talk to him in person.

you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet

I saw Jessica today, we went to Oolong and talked and sweltered in the heat. I had a lot of fun. She is so easy to talk to! For some reason, I'm always afraid we won't have much to say, but then I see her and I just can't shut up. She makes me laugh, and things just flow so easily. I'm glad we did it.

I worked after I hung out with her, and it was actually quite pleasant! I got there an hour before I was supposed to work, because my mom had to drive my brother to piano lessons. And then I saw Adam, and we talked and caught up. I haven't seen that guy in forever! Ed and I went to have a long drive competition, and he beat me with one arm. I got to talk to Dave a lot more today, and he gave me a whole bunch of clubs to hit and it was cool. During work, it was really slow, so I just watched the Olympics online. It was sweet. Thank goodness for the internet!

He texted me today, it was the first time we've talked in nine days. I really wasn't expecting it! He'll be back in about three days, and it was nice to read his words and have some contact with him.

every moment spent with you is a moment i treasure

Premium.

Being a walking scorer was pretty fun, because the ladies were pretty good at golfing, and they were nice. And the leader tipped us $10 each at the end! And we got ball markers and a Pro V1 ball each. I hung out with Laura and Shannon, and we had lunch after. I laugh so hard when I'm around them. After that, we went to the driving range and I did not hit any ball very well. So then I went to my golf lesson, and found out what I was doing wrong, and suddenly I'm hitting twenty yards longer and every thing's feeling better. So what do you know?

The days have been passing by pretty quickly, soon you'll be back and my life will be pretty darn perfect.

all we want to do is love

The Neighbourhood Council concert was brilliant. It was such a good way to say goodbye, even though it was cramped and really hot, they just make you forget it all when they're playing. Knots was good. Azeda Booth was good. I got to meet Morgan after the show. He told me my name was really cool.

Today was a slack day. I went to the golf course to volunteer. For ball spotting, all I had to do was sit there and watch them golf. Easy stuff. I'm kind of tired right now. Tomorrow I have to wake up early to be a walking scorer. But the Olympics are on, gymnastics in particular, and I really want to watch it.

you make me wish for a more dangerous life

I had the most amazing foursome ever today. I didn't exactly play well, but I got to play with Brecken, Ali, and Kristina. I haven't played with any of them for a year or two, and so we had a lot of fun. I probably stopped focusing on golf, but it was worth it. We talked, and laughed, and were ridiculous. It was the easiest group to fit into, even though I was sucking, it didn't matter; I was with friends and we were enjoying ourselves.

I've been watching the Olympics with my family for pretty much the entire day. The finals for men's team gymnastics is playing again, and it is pretty much our favorite event to watch so far. China owns!

you turn every head but you don't see me

Dream #2 had something to do with me working, but at a golf course. My manager was there, but I wasn't actually doing what I normally do. A really good golfer had just hit her ball into a hill of long, dry grass, and we were trying to find it. My legs got really itchy from the grass, but then I woke up and it turned out that it was just my mosquito bites being really itchy.

Dream #3 was a bit more interesting. I was in gym class with all of my best friends, and we were going camping. It turned out that the camp was right in the grass island by my house. I got to see Cailey for the first time in a long time, which I got really excited for. She greeted me by starting a ninja fight. I got to see Gavin too, but we only said one thing to each other before I realized that I had to get my winter jacket because it was starting to snow. Cailey and I went into my house to go grab it, and we passed by a really big television in my basement that I never knew I had. I remember I was really excited to wear my winter coat, for some reason. And my mittens. And then I woke up.

I didn't have a really good sleep, my legs were too itchy to fall asleep. By the time I finally did, it was past four. I worked today, which was long and boring, and then I went to go watch The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 with Cydney and Tamara, and also Chelsea, Justine, Alyssa, and Kim. I didn't actually get to sit with the latter group, because Cydney and Tamara invited me first. But I did go to Justine's house with them afterwards, and we had mint chocolate ice cream and watched the Olympics. Kim and I had to take a detour getting back home, so we had an adventure trying to find out how to get to Beacon Hill using the back road. It was fun, I love talking to Kim because she makes me laugh.

Watching romantic movies is not good when you're missing someone, that's what I keep learning. I never really thought I would miss you so much, but now it's getting ridiculous and it will be a very good day when you are back home.

listening to: mini tv's - chad vangaalen

does it really matter why i love you

Last night I dreamed that we were at a party, and we were doing everything we always did. Our conversations were ones we would have, our actions, our decisions. Everything seemed like you were there, until I woke up and you weren't.

It was weird. Even though you were with me, it felt like I was watching everything from afar. I didn't get to experience your touch, or your warmth, I just observed and tried to remember how it felt.

I think my brain misses you.

Other than while I'm sleeping, I've been actually pretty busy. On Thursday, the day Gavin left, I played golf in the morning and then went to Brittany's in the evening for a bonfire. It was really fun. We spent a long time trying to start the fire, and just being around Brittany is an amazing environment. Being with Rae and Elliot was ridiculously fun, too.

I golfed with my friend on Friday, and I played my best round. It definitely could've been better, but I'm not complaining. My swing felt so much better. We were still golfing after the sun had set, so the last hole was so hard to play, because we could barely see anything.

I worked today, and it was alright. There's a new contest where the person who can get the most people signed up for Leaderboard wins a $100 gift certificate to any store or mall they want. And that is a pretty great prize. I want it, but the other girl I worked with today was super good at getting people to sign up, and completely destroyed me today. I think I'll go for the second prize, the draw for the $50 gift certificate.

and tell us how to feel inside

I stayed up until three last night talking to Gavin because he left this morning to go sailing with his family. We had a good talk, which got a little scary for me, but he reassured me and I was just being paranoid, and really, there's nothing to be worried about. We are safe.

I am extremely exhausted now. I thought that I wasn't playing golf this morning, so it would be okay for me to stay up late, but then my dad woke me and told me I had to go, which made me really cranky. I had a terrible front nine, but then the girl I played with left to go practice and I played with Laura and Shannon. They are so absolutely hilarious. At one point, Laura complained that the ball wasn't going to go anywhere because of the wind, and when she swung, she hit the ground way before the ball and completely missed the ball. It was the best moment of the round. It was really hot and we all got really tired, and now I'm glad that I'm not golfing. Hopefully later I'm going to Brittany's house, which will be a fun time!

can you be my dream, i could have you every night

Somehow things worked out, and I managed to see Gavin earlier than six today. We went out disc golfing, which I am terrible at, but Gavin was patient and tried to help me out. Eventually some things worked and it wasn't as terrible to play. We played 18 holes, the nine holes over again, before heading back to his house for dinner. As we drove home, we passed under a cloud that poured rain, and in the mirror we could see blue skies behind us.

After dinner, we decided to do some recording. We made up a chorus to go with a song he wrote a long time ago. We took a long time setting things up because .. things kept getting in the way. I love distractions. After an hour, we finally got everything done. We went out after to watch the sun set, and it was absolutely beautiful.

I can't believe how much I'm in love with you. I can't see me without you. Nothing is as familiar as your heartbeat, nowhere is as at home as in your arms, no song rings a bell like the rise and fall of your voice. You are the candle in the dark, the brightest star in the sky, the one I dream about, the only person I ever want kissing me because I just love kissing you.

don't say you feel the same way too

It's remarkable, how you can tell that I'm feeling disconnected just by the way I reply. It feels like there's so much distance between us right now, like if we're trying to talk through a wall with styrofoam filling the inside. I just want to punch through the wall, and feel your warmth in mine.

I feel sad, and terrible right now, and I'm almost hoping that you'll make it all go away, but you can't read my mind. And I understand that. I want to be with you as soon as possible.

*edit: he did.

listening to: m79 - vampire weekend

i love you more

I love golf so much more this year! Honestly, it feels like there's been such a difference from last year, just from getting more serious about it and joining a club. Being able to go to the driving range whenever, or book a round of golf and just head out a couple hours later. Having friends to play with and being able to relax and have fun.

So far this year, my handicap has gone from 25.4 to 16.3. I've broken 100 and 90. I've won a tournament and have come close to winning another. I'm playing in the tour championship. Yesterday I shot a career-best score: 86. And I want to go lower.

listening to: my moon my man - feist