everybody broke me up

It's been an interesting week.  Christmas was absolutely great; I spent it with my relatives, and my cousins and I played pick up sticks and cards all evening.  I love hanging out with my cousins, especially when we all just have fun and play games like this.  It's like if we're kids all over again, at someone's 8th birthday party where we'd all sit around and just play Uno, or Big Two.  It's fun to bond with them.

I worked Boxing Day, and it was busy and not bad.  That night I went to Jade's apartment, and we stayed up all night watching I Am Legend, Tropic Thunder, Gossip Girl, and Arrested Development with Maggie and Jacqui.  It was ridiculous.  We ate so much junk food, and tried so hard to stay up all night but everyone fell asleep.  I pretty much passed out at 5:30.  We woke up at 9:00 the next morning, which was stupid but Jacqui had to go out for lunch that day so we just hung around and then ate breakfast.  

That night I stayed up with my sisters watching Gossip Girl.  We had made it until the middle of the second season until we finally decided to go to sleep.  We finished the rest of the season the next day.  We pretty much stayed in my room until dinner time watching Gossip Girl.  It was sad yet awesome at the same time.

Today I went to my cousin's house with my two cousins and my sister for lunch, which was really good.  I got to meet her dog, who scared me a bit because he is really energetic and apparently likes to hump people's legs.  A lot.  But he loved me and didn't violate me at all.  We watched Sex and the City before we had to go, which was pretty funny because my cousins didn't let me watch any of the sex scenes (since I was the youngest of us five).  After that, I went to Jessica's house to watch Superbad with her and Brittany.  I stayed at her house for dinner, until my dad had to come pick me up at the only time he could.  I spent the next two hours at a junior hockey team.  I had my camera with me, so I just snapped hundreds of pictures and it was actually really fun.

For a short period of time, I felt really alone and I really missed what I used to have.  I'm getting over that again.  I guess I've realized that I'm starting to forget what I felt, and that scares me.  I never thought I'd lose that feeling.  I guess it's alright; I mean, I should let go of these things in order to move on.  It's just that that feeling was so incredible, so amazing that I don't want to let it go. I guess I'm just going to have to be patient and wait for that feeling to come back.  Hopefully, the next time it will be more brilliant and last forever.

good times gonna come

It's become almost a chore to write in here, I must admit.  But I'm always so scared that I'm going to some day forget my life, and this just gives me those small reminders.  Sometimes, when I don't have anything to do, I'll go back and read the archives of this blog to remember things that happened.  

But anyways.  It's been really cold outside, but that doesn't stop my friends and I from going tobogganing, apparently.  Megan, Cailey, Kevin, Emily, Gavin, and I went out on Sunday to go to sledding after a lot of confusion caused by Mikki, about it being too cold and postponing.  We all showed up anyways, except for Mikki and Cailey, and even though it was kind of cold from the wind, we still stayed out for probably forty five minutes or so.  Our best run down was when Megan showed up, and we all went down in a train.  It was wicked.  On my last run down, Kevin pushed us when our feet weren't even off the snow, so I kept kicking up snow into my face.  By the time we were at the bottom, I was covered from head to toe in snow, my face was freezing and wet, and my left hand, which was exposed since it was still holding my camera, had lost feeling that wouldn't return for another fifteen minutes.  Kevin and I then went back to Cailey's house and played speed.  When everyone else came back, we drank chocolate milk and played big two before my dad picked me up, and my sister and I went to Market Mall to look for a gift for my mom.  

That night, I went out for dinner with my junior high friends because my friend from Chicago was back in town this week.  We went out for sushi, and it was a lot of fun laughing and remembering things that happened back in the day.  I spent a lot of money on food.  

Today I met up with them again for brunch at Nellie's.  Maggie and I had massive meals, so we ended up boxing all of our toast and Jade's pancake, and giving it to a homeless guy.  Brunch was so much fun.  I don't even really know what we talk about, but I'm always laughing and it's just like the old days.  We met up with Cecilia, and then went skating at the oval.  Which was pretty hilarious because Cecilia and Maggie don't really know how to skate.  There was only one wipeout, but it hurt Cecilia pretty badly.  We skated for probably forty minutes before we finally had to go.

I'm so happy that Jacqui's back in town, reuniting with those guys is always a blast.  We're going to have our traditional sleepover later this week, which should be premium.  Christmas is so soon!  I'm even excited for tomorrow, I think there is some excellent family bonding time in the forecast.

it's starting to look like it's going to be a bright beautiful day

It's been almost a week since I've posted on here, and honestly it feels kind of weird.  I always check to see how many visitors I had that day, and I always check my blog to see who updated their blog, but I never bother to write anything.  I'm not taking as many pictures either.  I'm just getting a bit tired of trying to relive my past.  It's so much easier to just sit back and live.  Don't take me wrong, I still absolutely love taking pictures, but I never feel like taking pictures of things that have been happening, like at parties or get togethers.  I just like preserving images.  Whenever I'm on the c-train, or anywhere outside, my mind likes to see everything like a photograph I should take.  I don't know.  I wish I lived a more interesting life, where my pictures could actually mean something.

This past week has been pretty eventful.  I'll try to condense it as much as possible.  I went out somewhere every day after school except for on Monday.  On Tuesday I stayed after school and scorekept girls' basketball.  Both our teams lost, but watching the junior team play was absolutely brutal.  It was like watching grade seven basketball all over again; nobody knew how to run plays, everyone just flung the ball at the hoop whenever they had the chance, and it was just overall terrible.  

On Wednesday we didn't have choir, so Mikki and I headed downtown to do some Christmas shopping.  We went to Nation, Looks Could Kill, Shisomiso, and Uppercase in Art Central.  We went around TD square looking for a store that sold icecream scoopers, but we had no luck.  I should have studied math a lot harder that night, but I didn't.  The next day at school I wrote my conics test and it sucked royally.  I've never done so bad on my math test, but at least I get to replace it.  

We found out that we didn't have band after school Thursday, so I went Christmas shopping to get more things.  I first went to Kensington and tried to look for some stuff, but I didn't get anything.  Plus it was really cold outside.  I went back to the train to head downtown.  A woman came and sat across from me.  She asked for a kleenex, and then a quarter.  When we reached downtown, she asked if I could hold the door for her while she paid for a transit fare, so I did and when we both went back to our seats, we started talking about a lot of things.  She is taking fine arts and humanities, or something like that.  We talked about our families, which were really contrasting with their views on education and stuff, which then led to so many things.  I wish that we could have talked more, but I had to get off the train.  I am so terrible with names, though, so I can't remember what hers was.  Plus, I was trying to get off the train before it left the platform.  My brain is so bad with concentrating.  I bought Mikalina's present and then headed back to the university to meet Kate and Brittany for Oklahoma!.

The walk to MacEwan Hall was terrible.  I was so cold, and it felt like forever.  I ate dinner in Mac Hall, and then met up with Kate and Brittany.  Okalahoma! was pretty interesting.  They all had western twangs so Brittany and I could hardly tell what anyone was saying.  And we only got the gist of the plot.  The singing and acting was really good, but the plot kind of sucked.  When I got home, I had to frantically finish my CALM homework and then wrap presents.  I ended up going to bed at three in the morning.  

Friday was awesome because we didn't have to do anything in class and periods were so much shorter.  After school was done, we headed to Megan's house.  We walked with Gavin up to the train station.  I ended up talking to Gavin the entire time we walked with him, and it was really nice.  I love talking to him.  I gave him a hug before he left, and today he told me he was glad that I did, because our very first hug was on the last day of school last year.  I was amazed that he remembered that, because I didn't even realize it until he mentioned it.  

Anyways, the walk to Megan's was a million times worse than the walk to the university.  Mainly because it was probably a half hour walk.  My legs stung, and then I couldn't really feel them anymore.  When we finally reached her house, the insides of my legs first went burning out, and then freezing cold.  It felt like if there was ice water flowing through my veins.  I couldn't stop shivering and I was so cold for so long.  I just can't take this temperature.  Gift exchange was really fun, I really like the stuff that I got.  While we were having lunch, Megan made a weird facial expression which set Cailey and Mikki off.  They couldn't stop laughing for five minutes straight.  After that, we all calmed down for a bit, but then suddenly they started laughing again, and Cailey's laugh is so funny when she's laughing hard that I started to laugh.  And everyone was laughing, and we couldn't stop.  My stomach was in so much pain, but whenever I heard Cailey laugh, I would laugh.  I was on the ground laughing, and it was so ridiculous.  We spent fifteen minutes laughing basically because somebody else was laughing.  I went to the kitchen and tried to pour a cup of milk, but even that was a hard task because I didn't want to spill the milk while I was laughing.  It was absolutely crazy.  I've never laughed so hard in my life.

After that, we all got pretty tired from laughing.  I went to work, and it was pretty dead.  When I got home, I showed my sister the game of Pickup Sticks that Cailey got me, so my sisters and I started playing that.  It was intense; our family's pretty much all about competition, and we always want to win.  After that, we played again with my brother.  Every time he messed one up, he'd hit the other ones and ruin the game for us.  Well, him ruining the game made me win the game.

Today I worked, and it wasn't too bad.  It was pretty busy for most of the day, which occupied my time.  After work I went to band practice at Gavin's, and we did some playing.  After the other guys left and I was waiting for my dad to come, we talked and it just felt so easy.  I'm so bad at making conversation sometimes, but nowadays with him I always have stuff to say.  It's great.  Right now life is great.

i hold my breath and disappear inside myself

It is freezing outside!  I am sitting on my couch beside the window that is not stopping the cold from coming in and so my feet are cold.  But I love the snow, and how it glitters in the light, and I just want it to keep snowing.  However, it's just sunny and freezing.  I worked Friday and Saturday, which was pretty decent because nobody wants to go out in the cold, so I got paid to do pretty much nothing.  I played Freecell and Hearts and Solitaire.  Practiced my putting a bit.  Went on Facebook.  

Friday after school I went out for lunch with Natalie and Kate, and that was really fun.  We were going to go to Mongolie Grill, but when we got there we found out that the Dalhousie location does not exist anymore.  That was pretty shocking.  But we ended up going to Boston Pizza, and Natalie got the most monstrous pasta.  

I'm really not talking in chronological order, but oh well.  Last night after work my dad took me to Superstore so I could get more canned stuffed for Aberhart's food drive.  While we were there, he showed me this camera that's not quite a DSLR, but it's almost.  It's DSLR shaped, and it has 12x zoom and it's 10.0 megapixels.  He asked me if I wanted it, and I told him that I'd research it and tell him later, because until midnight you could get double the GST off your purchase.  So we bought the food and went home, and I spent two hours or so watching Gossip Girl and looking up reviews and descriptions of the camera.  The more I read about it, the more I liked it.  It has so many extra features that my current camera doesn't have, like a sport function, or fireworks, or panorama!  So I decided that it was the only Christmas present that I wanted.  I mean, I wanted a DSLR, but I didn't want my parents to spend that much money on me (like if they would) so I didn't ask for it at all.  And this was pretty close, and I don't need all the manual functions anyways.  Plus it was pretty cheap.  I told my dad that I wanted it, so we headed out at 11:20 to go get the camera and then pick up my sister.  Except, when we got to Superstore, the electronics department was closed despite the fact the Superstore is supposed to be open for 24 hours.  The guy there told us that someone might be back at midnight, so we went to go pick up my sister and then went back.  Nobody was there, so my dad told me that he'd go this morning.  My sister went to buy some stuff, but the servers for the self checkout froze and so we were at Superstore much longer than we thought.  When we finally got that settled, we headed back home, and I stayed up until three  reading up about that camera and watching Gossip Girl.  I am completely up to date, and now I have to wait until January 5 to watch the next episode.  Which feels like so long, since I watched like two episodes a day.  

Since it is so freezing cold today, I'm just going to hole myself up in my house and catch up on some other TV shows I missed.  Hopefully my dad will come home with the camera.  Last night I had a dream that I was in Gossip Girl, and I was taking pictures with that camera.  It was a really weird jumble of events.

listening to:  two step - dave matthews band

so good when it ends, they'll never be friends

Who knew that one simple note could change so many things?  Today was an absolutely great day.  It was so unexpected the way things happened, but I'm so glad for the people I know and the things that did happen.  One small thing led to another, and now I can honestly say that at this moment I am happy.  Happy!

This morning, when tutorials were ending, Mikki told me that she had something for me, but we had to go outside to get it.  I thought she was going to start a snow fight with me, but instead she uncovered a small mound of snow.  Mikalina brought me a small carton of Dibs icecream.  I've never had someone do something nice for me as a surprise like that, and wow.  It just made me feel so grateful that she is my friend, and I am so glad I made the choice to tell her about what was going on with my life right now.  Help was something so hard to ask for, but it was something I needed.

Both of us were late for chemistry.  I forgot that our class switched rooms with another, so at first I almost walked into a classroom full of people I did not know.  Tori and Nancy "assigned" me a seat by writing Seto on the piece of tape on the desk between them.  The classroom we were in was funny and strange, with its obsessive pattern of three and bright lights.  I shared the dibs with my friends, and Tori and I had some pretty ridiculous moments.  It was probably because we were all sitting beside each other.  

When I was telling Cailey about my morning, she told me that she hadn't seen me this happy in about a month.  We joked and talked and made plans for the weekend.  I couldn't stop laughing and smiling.  During band after school, I walked into the band room to see Jordan and Bronwyn toilet-papering Natalie.  So of course I joined in.  My stomach hurt from laughing so hard.  I always enjoy band, and playing the timpani and wind chimes.  I liked today.

I hope this feeling lasts.

when the leaves turn brown, i'll be around

How's this for a change of pace, I'm feeling ... not great, but better. I've found someone who I write notes to telling them about why I'm acting the way I am, and just finally letting somebody actually know, and knowing that they know, makes this feel a whole lot lighter. It's strange trying to remember how my laugh sounded, and I thought about that in chemistry class, when I actually laughed and it sounded so weird. So unfamiliar. I'm still having trouble falling asleep, but I'm starting to rely more on my friends. Does that sound strange? I have to justify this with the fact that I don't like giving any part of myself away (with one exception), but maybe I should. Breaking down barriers seems easier than trying to build them.

i'm so tired of being lonely

I guess my ex-boyfriend gets a category of his own, only because he had such a huge impact on my life. I’ve never really talked about this to anyone, because I hate sounding like a giddy girl who doesn’t care about anything else, but for some reason I find writing this here safe. For some reason, I feel like I need to write this out. Have you ever wished that someone would ask you what you were thinking? Because if someone ever asked me that, instead of “what’s up?” or “how are you?”, then I’d tell them that I was thinking about him, all the time. Even now, it’s still like that, and that is the reason why he is such an important part of my life. He broke up with me a couple weeks ago, with the reason that he didn’t want a relationship, and that right now was not the right time. We only dated for three months, but it felt like we just had a longer relationship, except condensed. I spent almost every day I could with him, and I believe that I loved him. I have only ever dated two people in my life, and so nothing compared to the way I felt about him. We talked every day. I told him all of my secrets, my thoughts, and my feelings. I loved being around him all the time, just to hear his voice, or feel his touch. I couldn’t see myself without him. One day, when I did doubt our relationship, he told me not to doubt him, and that he loved me, and that we’d be together for a long time. But here we are now, separate. I never saw this coming, and it hurts so much. I guess a part of life is adjusting, and I should accept this loss and move on, and so right now I am trying as hard as I can to be happy. Another characteristic about me is that I tend to hide things on the inside. I don’t trust people enough to tell them how I feel; he was the only exception. Now, I work so hard to act like I’m okay, even though on the inside it really doesn’t feel that way. Another way this event has affected me is that it has made me so extremely self-conscious. Every day, I start thinking about the reasons why he could have done this to me, and then I start thinking of all my flaws, and it justifies his actions.

I wrote this on September 23, as part of my autobiography in CALM.  It's all still true.  I'm sorry this blog has turned into this.

so for the rest of my life i'm going to search for someone just like you

I've been thinking over this so much, to the point where I'm losing so much sleep and I'm constantly finding tears in my eyes.  I honestly don't want to feel like this, I want to move on and be consistently happy.  I want to stop thinking about you all the time.  I want to stop wondering what you're thinking, or if you still want to be my friend, or if you're just so weirded out about all of this.  I got a honesty box message with words that are just so true, but I don't know how to tell anyone about this.  It is just so much easier to write this without worrying about any immediate judgement.  Why do I trust this so much more than an actual friend?  It just feels like even I don't completely understand what I'm feeling, and so I highly doubt anyone else will be able to tell me anything that will make me feel better.  Actually, one person probably could, but those words will never ever be spoken.

I don't know how to move on.  I don't know how to rid myself of everything single memory that I have with you, and all of the feelings that I used to have.  You convinced me of so many things.  I believed so many things you said, and then you went back on your word.  That's part of the pain.  But there's so much to it.  Now that there's so much space between us, I continuously wonder if you ever loved me at all.  I always wonder how you could get over me so fast.  If I was just like any of the other girls you went out with.  If I ever meant that much to you.

I will never hate you.  But I hate the fact that you didn't feel the way I ever felt about you, and how you never will.  I hate the fact that I wasn't worth holding on to.

And that's what hurts the most.

the buildup lasted for days, lasted for weeks

What does facing disappointment feel like?

My hands are cold as ice. My legs are shaking, my heart is trying to slow down from anticipation. I can hear the dry sobbing in my mind. It's almost like heartbreak all over again. And I haven't even hit this disappointment yet for sure.

You didn't tell me your answer, and that's not fair. Please talk to me.

edit.

Disappointment did come. But at least it came with some relief. I don't regret telling you because I've been needing to tell you anyways. If you're moving on, I'm moving on.

It didn't stop me from crying while you said goodbye, though.

listening to: willow tree - chad vangaalen

called for you everywhere

There are ups and downs, and today was definitely an up kind of day, weird as it was. It started out with Kim picking me up to go to the theatre with her, her sister, and Chelsea. We went to Boston Pizza for a extremely long lunch, which was pretty good because 1)I didn't have breakfast so I was extremely hungry and 2)I ordered chicken tenders, which might just be my favorite food. I blame Ali and golf clubhouses. Chicken tenders and plum sauce is just too good.

We made it to the theatre just on time, and they ripped me off on M&Ms. We watched Twilight, which wasn't the best movie of my life but it wasn't the worst. It was mediocre. I had a good time nonetheless with the people I was hanging out with, though. I like listening to people, especially when I don't have anything to say.

I got home to an empty house, so I decided to play piano for forty minutes. I just practiced this one song that I really like but haven't played in a while. Final Fantasy is the man. When my mom and sister got home, my sister drove me to her friend's apartment because it was the only way I'd be able to get to my friend's concert on 17th Ave. We watched Gossip Girls, which I have to admit I'm a bit interested in, now that I've watched to episodes. Right as we speak, I am downloading the entire season one on my computer. Thank goodness for BitTorrents and external hard drives. The estimated time remaining for the download is about 3 days and 19 hours, though.

My sister dropped me off at Tubby Dog at 7:20, and my friend Jessica's band, The Throwaways, didn't start playing until probably 7:50. I ran into some of my friends (or people I was kind of acquainted with), and we definitely didn't fit in. The show was definitely for the punk scene, and I am not punk. The most punk thing about the whole of us was Karisa's skull patterned shoes. And believe me, they weren't punk (or "hardcore") at all. Jessica's set was only about fifteen minutes long, so we left shortly after because it just felt so weird and out of place. We went to a book store down the street, and Abbey bought a bunch of VHS tapes. I had some good conversations with Kate and Karisa, which was cool because I don't really know them very well. But they're really funny and it's nice to laugh. I couldn't get a hold of my sister, so thankfully Kate's dad drove me home, because I didn't want to hang out alone downtown, with a whole lot of drunk punks around. More interesting conversations ensued. I had a good time.

Last night I went to Gavin's worship at his church. I enjoyed it; it's given me a new perspective on things. I met some cool people, and I might just go to youth and the other small groups stuff that happens there. Who knows?

you gotta make mistakes, you're young

I never know why I always answer "fine" when asked how I'm feeling.  I don't feel anything but fine.  I feel uneasy, restless, tired, sad.  There are so many things other than "fine" that I'm feeling, but I have no need to feel these things.  All signs lead to fine, but I'm not.  I'm not fine.

Everything's such a contradiction now.  I want to hang out with people, but I want to be alone.  I want more time, but I want the days to go by faster.  I'm so happy, but with the most crippling feeling of dispair that sometimes it blinds me and I can't see anything but the wrong.  I feel like I know the things I should know, yet it never shows itself on tests.  I am such a huge hypocrite.  My mind wages battle on itself, coming up with ideas and plans and then going back on them and acting in a completely opposite way.  I want somebody to know and understand but I don't want to tell anyone about my problems.  My mind has created its own artifical drought, and my supply of thoughts has been cut off.  I'm choking.  And this is all wrong.  I keep telling myself that life is good, yet I don't see any good.  I am a waste of so much.  I feel so unneeded in disregarded by everyone, like I'm an accessory that's worn only when needed to highlight something else.  And there's nobody who knows me enough to know that I'm not fine.  It feels like all of this self-loathing is written on my face, and echoing from inside my mind, but nobody's reading hard enough; nobody's quiet enough to listen.  I am such an awful person.  It almost feels like I'm trying to conjure up more and more problems to weigh me down, but I'm not; it's like if an atomic bomb was dropped into my mind, immediately destroying everything in sight, and then seeping into everything else, slowing creating dangerous effects that grow after time.  This is the worst feeling.   I need to get out of my mind, or figure out what's wrong.  I need to fix myself.

don't get offended if i seem absent minded

I really wish that our guys and girls would've won yesterday, but I'm still really proud of our teams and I think that they both played extremely well.  I watched with Nancy, Mikki, Alison, and Bonnie, and it was a lot of fun.  The guys' game was extremely exhilarating, and my throat was pretty much bleeding after because Aberhart fans cheered so loudly to beat the Bowness fans.  We definitely were more united with our cheering.  After the game, I went to Mikki's house and had dinner.  Gavin, Kevin, and Alex came over an hour and a half later, and then Tess and Ciaran came.  We all went into the hot tub and had some conversations.  The hot tub made me feel so extremely sleepy, but it was nice just listening to everyone talk. 

Today I slept into until twelve, which felt really nice because I haven't done that in a while.  Today was more of a hang around the house kind of day, and it wasn't too bad.  I'm starting to learn how to play the clarinet.  So far I can play from F to B flat chromatically.  We're going to have roast beef for dinner, and it smells so good right now that my brain is drooling.

Last night was really good for the sole fact that Mikki and I had a really good heart to heart that I don't usually have on a daily basis.  She is just so easy to relate to, and I love listening to her talk, and talking to her.  For the past week my heart has felt so heavy, and it always feels like if I hit a problem anytime soon, I'm just going to lose it and burst into tears.  I'm not even sure why this is.  I'm trying pretty hard to move on, and to convince myself that now is not the time for what I want, but I guess I just have a small sense of jealousy that seems to kick in without me even wanting it to.  I don't want to be jealous.  I don't want to feel like I need him.  It just always comes lurking in the corner of my mind and infects all of my thoughts.  My life right now feels like oil on water; all of the great things in my life are there, but only floating on my crappy feelings.  I need a really, really big hug.

i'm seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

Two nights ago, I had a dream with so many parts that are blurry, I remember just one bit:  I was walking, presumably in a mall, by a rail when you came up beside me.  I put my arm around your waist, and suddenly you put yours around mine, and told me that you thought that we should try again.  I've never had something in a dream feel so real, but I remember how warm your hand was, and how comfortable and natural it was.  But a dream is just a dream, and it's nothing but wistful thoughts.  

Yesterday was the first day I've gone out with my friends and done something in a long time.  Megan and I went to Art Central right after school, and we visited the majority of the stores in there.  My favorite is still Uppercase.  After, we were about to exit when we discovered that there was a roof park.  So we went up there and got a great view of the c-trains, the streets, and the Calgary Tower.  After that, we decided to walk to TD without going outside, which required going a long way around using the +15 walkways.  On our way, we ran into Stephanie N, Jenny, and Stephanie D, and we decided to race to TD because we were going opposite ways.  They won, because Megan and I accidentally went the wrong way once.

After we got to TD, we went straight to the train and headed back to Megan's house for dinner.  We watched the beginning of Get Smart with her sister and her friends, and then we headed to the theatre to watch Quantam of Solace with Kevin and Gavin.  It turned out that the show we wanted to catch was sold out, so we went to Paul's house and hung out there for a while.  We watched Tokyo Drift in weird colours.  After that, we dropped Megan off at Crowfoot and went to Stephanie D's house to watch a movie.  We went down to her super nice house and played pool and Rock Band.  Finally, at like ten, we started watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  I am such a chicken when it comes to horror flicks.  The whole time, I was hiding under my pillow beside Kevin, who is pretty scared of horror movies too.  It was pretty fun.  Gavin kept trying to take the pillow away and make me watch, but I hate seeing people get their body parts destroyed.  At least I actually watched most of the movie.  And I didn't get any nightmares!

i'm going to roll through the warmth without you here

My throat hurts and my hands are sore, but I haven't been filled with so much school spirit in a while.  Nancy and I watched the senior girls' volleyball team play in the semi-finals, and it was actually terrifying to watch.  Advancing this round didn't appear as easy as beating Bishop Carroll.  I came from band in the middle of the second match, and Nancy told me that we had won the first game 25-12.  Unfortunately, when I sat down, we were tied 11-11, and Beaverbrook scored nine uncontested points before we finally scored five more points and ended up losing.  Nancy and I were honestly sitting there with our heads in our hands.  Spikes were getting blocked, serves were either too short or too long, and the second hit always seemed so unsure.  However, we came back in the third game with a dominating 25-14 win.  It was a shaky start, but before long, they were finding the gaps and spiking without returns.  We were racking up points and the crowd was going crazy.  This match was ours; we were meant to go to the finals.

Of course, you have to fight hard to get to the top, and the girls went neck and neck, constantly tying, or mere points away from each other.  Aberhart went ahead, and then Beaverbrook, and the score constantly juggled back and forth.  Once Beaverbrook was up 19-17, Nancy and I were shaking in our seats.  But the girls stepped up, and answered Beaverbrook's obnoxious cries by tying the score.  Then we were a point ahead.  Two up.  Three points up.  Suddenly it was 24-20, and we were all waiting for the definitive spike to end the game.  We lost the serve and the point, but, determined not to let go, they set up the ball perfectly and slammed one down into the other side of the court.  Beaverbrook couldn't return it, and the gym was in an uproar.  We're going to city champs, baby.  And in the most exciting way possible.

i don't care what they say, i'm in love with you

This day has been nothing but thoughts.  As much as I want and need you, it just might not be good.  School is good and my friends are great.  Our relationship right now is at a good point.  I might as well not ruin things.  This cut runs extremely deep.  I guess it's going to take longer than two months, but nonetheless it will heal?  We'll have to see how things turn out.  I think my conscience is warning me of things.  I am almost absolutely sure that you don't want the things that I do.  Nothing adds up, but if we look at the entire reason why I feel like a mess, it makes sense.  You don't want me.

I had a good talk today.  These days it's so easy to take everything and internalize it.  I never told anybody what I told you, even though the words form so clearly in my head.  I just really wanted to talk to you, and I'm glad I did.  You are a really good listener and a really great friend.  I was afraid I wouldn't know how to say things, even though I so badly needed to let it all out, but with you things are so easy.  Thank you so much.

i hope that he keeps you up for weeks like you did to me

I had a really vivid dream last night that I actually thought was real, except for some unknown reason I woke up and of course I never got to finish it.  Anyways, it was three in the morning at that time, and I decided to type it all out on my iPod so I wouldn't forget it.  So, here it is, transcribed by my half-awake mind:

"The whole dream takes place at night.  I am home alone in my house, in my mom's room when some random boy comes in with a bunch of plates.  We both hide beside a drawer against the wall.  A police officer comes in and searches, the kid moves from the drawer to under the side of the bed opposite the officer.  The officer looks under there and catches him.  We both book it.  For some reason the officer just stays there.

I'm hanging out outisde when I run into Cole.  He's going to play a school soccer game so I tell him I'll come watch.  He's practicing his kick from a long ways away while I eat my dinner.  I wash all of my plates and put them in a random rack by a house.  Cole is kicking the ball into a tree.  He comes by to get the ball, and his friend comes by and tells him he's kicking really well.   Warren Chong suddenly opens the door of the house and sees the plates.  He's really angry and he tries to find out who did it.  I grab the plates and Cole and I run inside and into a bedroom exactly like my mom's.  We both hide beside the drawer.  He comes into the room and I move to the side of the bed opposite from him.  Warren goes and looks under the bed.  I try to get up so I'm kneeling and my head isn't under the bed but he sees my legs.  Cole and I book it and for some reason Warren stays where he is.  (For some odd reason, Cole is narrating what we are doing from this moment.)  We run outside, down the street in the shadow of the trees because now the cops are after us too.  We make it down and around the corener, where his house is.  The plates mysteriously disappear.  Tamara (who, for another strange reason, is his girlfriend) drives by in a small tan car her dad is driving, because they're picking Cole up to go to the game.  I sit in the back and Cole sits up with her dad.  I introduce myself to her dad, and he tries to introduce me to Cole, although we already know each other.  Cole informs him of this by saying, "well, if I didn't know her, we wouldn't own a car together!"  There is a huge rose in the front, with the flower part cut off, from Cole.  Tamara has the flower part.  The stem is like a tree branch.  Out of nowhere, Cole gives Tamara a normal size rose.  He also pulls out a plate of tiny cut sausages and offers them to everyone.  I think about the fact that this is the craziest night of my year."

I had another dream after that one, but I didn't write it down and I wish I did.  All I can remember is that it had something to do with a c-train, and my older sister crossing the tracks to get something and stopping the train in order to cross back.

there's nothing to keep my fingers warm

Honesty was how I got you, maybe it's how it can fix things.  It's so strange how willing I am to talk about this on a public blog, yet I am too scared to tell you any of this.  I'm afraid that you don't want the same thing as me, and that it will ruin our friendship.  But this is how things were like before June, and look at what happened.  I fell in love with you.

I want to win you back, not because this is a game, but because I really need you.  Because I feel like I'm on the wrong level of happiness, and the only way I can level up is to be with you.  I am totally fine without you, but it feels so wrong that we are not together.  I know I sound really desperate and dumb but I think about all of this all the time.  I think about all of the things we used to do and I miss it all so much.  It's so constant, like a fog horn ringing through my head in the wrong key.  You may think that this is the right path, but to me this is such a huge mistake.  I told you that I wouldn't have changed anything, but honestly, I would have changed the ending.  We have taken the wrong path.  It's getting me deeper and deeper into this thick forest, and I feel so lost.

I want to tell you all of this, but I don't know when the right time is, what the right words are, or if you feel the same way.

listening to:  this lamb sells condos - final fantasy

i know we're going to be the lucky ones

This week was so short and I loved it.  The school stuff that was supposed to worry me didn't; I felt okay about my social studies essay, my social studies and math test went well and I didn't feel all freaked out about it like I usually do.  My report card was good, and I'm almost done my university application.  I drew a logo for my sister's friends' podcast, and the two frustrating days spent on the tablet PC was really worth it.  Natalie loved her birthday present, and her dinner was really, really fun.  I love hanging out and talking, especially when you're surrounded by the most hilarious people.  Diana drove Mikki, Kate, Ramon, and me home and it was pretty adventurous.  Her reaction time to braking is actually terrifying.  Grad proofs came back yesterday, and I'm actually happy with how they turned out.  For once, I actually looked good.  My friends are amazing and they're trying to convince me to choose photography as my career, but I don't think I'm there yet, and although sometimes I doubt my choice of computer sciences, I think I will enjoy it and I think I'll like web design.  Hopefully everything will work out with me that way.  I'm going to have to go to guidance and check to see if I have all of the right courses.  I'm pretty sure I do.  I'm doing a drawing right now of a zebra, and it's making me remember how much I love drawing.  Last night, I had a strange dream about watching volleyball or playing it.  My alarm made me forget it all, and I only remembered the fact that Cole was in my dream

listening to:  do the whirlwind - architecture in helsinki

i loved you the most

We always end up having these serious conversations, I don't know how. Whenever it happens I can feel my heart pound louder and slower while it rises up in my chest. But thank you for that.

I guess we've both come to the conclusion that this is where we will be, despite the fact that I miss you and you miss me. This is our best decision. How anti-climatic, but it's the way life is. You are someone I could spend my entire life with, even if we're just friends. It's just all in the way I can tell you anything, no matter how personal it is. It's because I still feel natural in your arms, and I love your company. I hope you are going to stay true on your promise of being my grad date, because honestly, I can't see anyone else but you.

good things come to those who wait

I'm not going to lie, today's practice was kind of painful.  Firstly, I am not completely over you, so it hurts me just a little bit when you say that you're learning phrases in Japanese and Chinese to ask girls out.  Secondly, when we were talking about Matt being whipped, it reminded me of that day we went to the mall.  There will always be a part of me that will always love you, that will make my hands feel tingly when I think about you and hurt me when I'm supposed to be alright.

Also, it's strange to have someone sing a song you wrote about them breaking your heart.  And know that it's about them.

hours of asking if you were fine, and saying i was fine too

I am shaking off my habits of procrastination! Well, kind of. I worked pretty hard on my social studies essay this evening, I really want to do well on this. It's strange to see how my thoughts are on paper, because I'm always trying to string them together and make them cohesive, but somehow when I look over what I wrote, it doesn't really come off that way. I wrote a lot for my exploration; hopefully I'll have enough for my arguments. I'm not exactly following Mr. Price's outline, but I feel so much more comfortable with Mr. Beland's way, and with my own written out outline that hopefully it'll make my essay good enough for him not to mind.

I need to start writing again! My thoughts used to flow so endlessly. I used to think a million different things right before I went to sleep, and now it's just .. blank. Or they're all too concentrated. Sometimes I dislike change, when it takes away the good parts about me. What's so great about me now? It feels as if I've lost all of my special qualities, and I'm the same obnoxious person I was when I was younger. When am I ever going to grow up?

"Soon we'll make a habit of it." What I should've said, instead of telling you that I'd punch you, was that it really wouldn't be a bad habit. I miss hugging you, I had forgotten how nice you smelled, and how comfortable it was to be so close to you. Although, if you push my hat over my eyes again, I might actually have to punch you.

i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to say

On the day that the first Black president was elected, I wore my CJSW toque to school. I got yelled at by my parents. I sent the first issue of The Iconographer to be printed. My life is not exciting in any shape or form, which is depressing because where is everyone I used to hang out with all of the time? What happened to my weekend plans, and the Friday night adventure? I need to get in touch with some people. I wish I lived closer to cooler places, so I could just go and hang out whenever. Instead, I live on the peak of a hill, which makes it tough to be able to bike anywhere. Plus, I have a super paranoid mom who won't let me bike anywhere. Maybe one day I will buy another disposable camera, so I have an excuse to lead an exciting life. I really love photographs. I also decided that I either want a million disposable cameras, or one super nice DSLR camera. One or the other.

Gavin and I just had a really enjoyable talk, it seemed pretty normal. We had our battle of synonyms. We talked about television, and The Birdseed Shirt, and hockey. Somebody owes somebody else a hug. I guess secretly (well not so secretly anymore) I am still trying to win his heart. It's not working, but we're becoming better friends than before.

and when will a time come i could hear a sad love song, that doesn’t speak to me

There were so many times I was recollecting the past. It is way too easy to look back at everything, what with saved files and past messages. I've been trying to live my life as normal as possible lately. I went back and looked at our MSN conversations way back from last year, when we were just getting to know each other. We were such amazing friends, and honestly, I can't wait until we get back to that. Or at least I'm hoping that we do get back to that. Now that I think about it, though, it probably will never get back to that because people change and things happen (like what did), but we've got so many months ahead of us to click again. We're getting close now. I'm going to trust that we can still work in this way.

On another note, my weekend has been pretty nifty. Halloween was sweet! I went as an alligator that I made out of cardboard and took me a while to make. Kevin's costume was the sweetest thing ever. My classes were super slack because nobody really wants to work on Halloween. After that, Mikki, Megan, and I went to Safeway and shopped in our costumes. We then went to Goodwill, and then to Amelia's house for dinner and to watch Black Sheep. What a weird horror movie! On Saturday I worked at Golf Town for the first time in a month. I got to work with Kristi, which was funny because she wasn't even actually scheduled. I had a good time with her, we talked and caught up a lot and it was just so easy to be around her. Probably because she's only a year-ish older than me. And she's so friendly and talkative. Today is my sister's birthday, so we got her 30 Rock (which we are watching now) and went out for sushi, and had a sweet cake. I burned my fingers lighting the candles but they're alright now. I think tonight I should go to bed earlier because I'm always tired. Oh! Also, my disposable camera pictures came back, and they took really nice and now they're on my wall making it even more awesome.

can you please forgive the love

I've started to run out of things to say.  At least, things on here.  It's like if it's come to a point where my mind is filtering all of my thoughts, so just a stacatto of words spit out one by one.  What is there to say?  I've actually been enjoying doing math homework.  I guess that's not really normal.  I have to admit, I like math, and I like doing math.  There is just something comforting about being right about something.  My school marks are okay right now, and I guess it's because I don't have any distractions now.  At least, that's what my mom would say.  And this is before I find out what my social studies mark is, which I'm scared for because I'm certain my essay was absolutely awful.  I don't know how I could have written something so bad.  But, what's done is done, and I'm going to have to take it and really work hard for my next tests and essays.  Oh!  I have a playing test for band tomorrow, which should be fun.  I'll get to work on my drawing thing.  I really don't think my yearbook design won at all, which kind of blows because I put so much effort into it.  Whatever.  I like it a lot, and my friends like it, and I'm pretty proud that I kept to it until the end.

What else?  I think I've thought of my Halloween costume, if I can pull this off then it will be absolutely epic.  I think I'm going to start working on it tomorrow night.  I've been watching the skies and I think that clouds are beautiful with the sun.  The stars are beautiful with the moon.  Just some simple facts.  CJSW's funding drive is going on and they are giving some sweet prizes.  I'm going for the toque!  Over the weekend I worked with Mikki for Cailey's dad, and I made up all the money I would've probably made in a month.  My life has been slowly reverting back to previous times, and I'm sharing a quiet friendship where I'm always wondering if I should send you a message.  Is this our normality now?  It's kind of like what I've been learning in chemistry about equilibrium.  There's a stress in the system, so now we're trying to shift to bring it to a new equilibrium.  Or at least, I'm shifting.  And I think it's working.

even if he wanted to, do you think he'd come back

Choir camp was fun.  Personally, I enjoyed band camp a whole lot more, and choir camp last year was more fun because there was a bigger group, but still .. I really loved hanging out with Jessica because we hardly ever get a chance to hang out regularly.  She is really amazing!  There were some pretty good moments too, like karoake, and the broken fridge, and the ridiculous photoshoot, and our late night talks that actually weren't that late, and the group activities were actually really enjoyable .. but it was just cold, and different.  And there was way too much singing.  I was too tired!  I pretty much passed out during the full choir rehearsal.  I accidentally had a solo about a pig and ladies who shake it easy.  Jessica and I pitched to Mr. Waters our awesome harmony.  On the bus ride home, Jessica and I listened to Ghost Mice, and I was so tired I pretty much spaced out.

Regarding the question last night, I honestly don't think I would change anything about my life right now.  I almost considered the obvious fact, but then again, I was probably just getting my hopes up, and I highly doubt that you feel the same way anymore.  Also, that wouldn't change anything anyways, because now I know that even if something does click in your mind, it won't last and there is no sense in just elongating pain.  Maybe I just don't trust you enough to tell you the truth.  Or maybe I'm just too scared of what you'll think.  I think it's the latter.  I still think you are very sweet, and I'm glad you are my friend.  I guess this is the way things are supposed to be.  The way things were supposed to be since the beginning.  I'm not being bitter, I swear.  I spent nine months digging my feelings into my skin, what's new now?

now i know what i don't want, i learned that with you

What a crappy week this has been. There have been way too many tests, and too much stress that's been going on. I should have studied last night, but instead I took a evening long break because of my essay and test on Monday. I woke up at five this morning for no reason, and I ended up staying up, thinking about all of the things that are hurting me. I was never prepared to feel this way. I stretched my arms wide open and fell backwards. The landing just winded me, and now I'm feeling the aftermath. It's all happening in pieces, so all the tiny pieces just cut into the worst spots. Things are turning up and going down all at the same time, and I never know what I'm feeling because it's just a pool of mess. I am a mess. I can't go through all of this by myself. I thought I was strong enough, but really I am weak and self conscious. I'm tired and lost and so sick of being myself.

Tomorrow I leave for choir camp, and we'll see what happens there.

listening to: how my heart behaves - feist

who could love you more than me

I am so tired right now, but: Feist! Wow. The way she plays her songs, like if they're never twice the same is amazing. Her voice is absolutely perfect, like it has the right balance of edge and softness and fullness, and it just sounds so real. We were so close to her that we could see every smile, and all the words she shouted off the mic. When she sung into the crowd without the mic .. it sounded so different but still so powerful and it sent shivers down my spine. She played pretty much everything I wanted to hear ... Mushaboom, I Feel It All, Intuition, How My Heart Behaves, Phantoms, My Moon My Man, Past In Present, Gatekeeper, Secret Heart, 1 2 3 4 and so many others. She is just such a beautiful musician!

hoping that you'll come back to see me

There are some good things going in my life right now. Finding out that we're going to Germany for band .. holy cow. I can't believe it and I am so excited. This trip is going to be so awesome! I've never been outside of North America, and the fact that I'm going with my friends is wicked. I am doing pretty well in school, which is good because it's only a month in. I'm studying and working hard, and even in chemistry when I think I'm doing stuff wrong, I'm still getting it and I guess I do understand! Last night I went to Megan's house for a movie party, and it was a lot of fun. We watched Death at a Funeral first, because a bunch of us didn't want to watch a scary movie, and it was so ridiculous. I laughed so hard. It was really noisy because there were so many of us but none the less it was sweet. Ramon is such a funny guy. After that movie ended, we spent fifteen minutes trying to figure out if the majority of us wanted to watch the scary movie or not, but nobody was really listening and people were throwing orange peels at other people, so we finally just told Megan to pop in the scary movie. It was One Missed Call, and it was ridiculous and not scary at all. We spent the whole time making fun of everything that happened, especially at the really "scary" parts. It was just all cliche and stuff. After that, we kinda just hung out in her basement, and Cole and I pinned Mikki down and tickled her so badly. Then Cole played a game where we see how many times Megan would flinch (every time). It ways a good night. I actually hadn't hung out with people in a while, until yesterday.

Tonight I'm going to Feist, and I'm so excited! I'm going with my sisters and we have floor seats, and I've been waiting for this day for so long because I LOVE Feist! I'm supposed to be studying for math or working on my essay outline for social studies, but I haven't done either. Lately I've been going into some kind of relapse. Getting over this has been actually so hard, and every time I think I'm alright, I get all bipolar and my mind starts working against me. Some days hurt almost as much as the first day. I've been racking my brain with so many reasons why this is all alright, but then so many memories pop up that make me forget all of them. I am so happy the majority of the time, but it's the short minutes in between that really scar my heart.

no kansas palm beetle could ever come close to that free

Well! Today felt like it moved pretty quickly. I actually learned in math, until my attention finally broke and I started fidgeting with my stuff. In chemistry, I felt like an ass because I just acted so mean. I don't know why. I really didn't mean to. During social studies I had a test that I think went alright. After school I raked leaves with a bunch of my friends! It was pretty fun .. I enjoyed hanging out with Jessica and Kim, and drinking hot chocolate and eating chocolate muffins on the sidewalk and getting rejected by people who didn't want to have their lawns raked. There were a lot of duplexes, where the side on the right would want their lawn raked, and the side on the left wouldn't. So it'd end up with half the lawn being raked so it looked pretty funny. Kim and I drove home rockin' to Vampire Weekend, which was pretty sweet. My feet are pretty cold but I feel pretty good! Life is awesome right now.

i found my place in the wishing well

Guys!  My mom is leaving to go to China tomorrow!  I accomplished something that really should be something small but it means so much to me.  I'm taking great steps to get away from who I was, and as a result I'm becoming more of who I used to be.  And I am quite happy!  Boy has my life been such a roller coaster.  Sometimes I go back and read my previous entries, and I just sound really crazy.  Man.

I opted to stay home and watch disc one of 30 Rock instead of hanging out with people.  Maybe it was because Gavin invited me and I've been kind of resisting.  Sometimes it's just easier to hide away for a little while, you know?  But we're okay and it does feel easy to talk to him.  There's just a lot of times now when I don't really want to talk to him.  I think I just need space, because we have still been interconnected even through everything we've been through.  Is all of this healthy?  I have no idea, but I really don't mind.

Anyways, some anecdotes.  Today in chemistry, Mr. Schrottner was gone so Mr. Brownlee, our student teacher, was in charge.  It was a work period anyways.  Since none of us could really remember his name (I thought it was Mr. Bradley), I decided to just call him "Bro", because it was the first three letters of his last name.  And we said it in a dumb surfer voice.  Anyways, while he passed me in the hallway during lunch, he called me "Seto", which didn't phase me at all until he pointed it out.  He told me that he'd start calling me Seto since I was calling him Bro.  Then, during class, we got a talk about Aids Awareness and I said I'd wear red pants, and Mr. Brownlee stated that my purple pants I wore yesterday were obnoxious.  And that I was obnoxious.  Which hurt!  Well, not really, but I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him for the rest of the class.  At one point, he sat in the desk in front of me to try to get me to talk to him, but I just pulled my desk back.  And then later he took my calculator and typed "IM SORRY" on it.  I didn't talk to him until the very end of class.  It was pretty fun.

Also, there is a guy in band who came here from China.  Have I mentioned this before?  Anyways, the first day he was in band class, we had a conversation and ended up taking the same bus home.  So on Thursday, he came up to me after band class and asked if I would take the bus home with him.  Unfortunately, I was staying to watch the volleyball game (our senior girls owned!), and so he asked if I would take the bus with him next week and I agreed.  It was sweet!

it's that time again

"take note," he says with tiniest smile,

as he lights the simplest fire.

in his eyes I can see the reflection

of the ambers, of the stars, and

small secrets he doesn't mind sharing.

in seconds the fire goes out

and we plunge into darkness.

we are surrounded by nothing but

emptiness and cigarette butts.

"don't worry, i won't leave,"

but i can already feel his grip loosen.

I've been working on The Iconographer all evening, and I'm finally getting inspired again.

the only thing i know is that the answer isn't for us

I just have to say: these days I feel a lot better, like my smile isn't forced and my happiness is genuine. Day by day my thoughts have stopped crippling me. Even though I wish this didn't happen, I don't need him anymore to elevate my mood. Because even though he was the first boy I ever loved, he's not going to be the last. I am not a lost cause.

you're the reason i'm not sorry

I have to be honest.  I wasn't expecting this year's band camp to be as good as last year, simply because of the lack of my friends going.  Tamara, Cailey, Leslie, Jocelyne .. almost everyone but Mikki from our cabin last year dropped out of band.  Mikki and I were going to room with Natalie, Amanda, Bronwyn, and Sheila, which was going to be great, but we also had to room with Haley, Chelsea, and Rebecca, who I am not quite as fond of.  There were way too many grade tens going, too.  

Band camp was so awesome, though.  I'm really glad that my last year of it was this good.  The bus ride to the camp was the beginning of our ridiculous antics, when we were on the dirt road and all of the dust came into the bus and into our faces.  From there, we found out that our cabin was divided, so us six didn't have to really be in the same room as the other girls.  The scenery at the camp was absolutely breathtaking.  You could see the mountains and acres of fields and trees.  They had a wooden playground that Amanda wouldn't call a playground, with the sketchiest tunnel that nobody could go through comfortably and creaky planks that seriously sounded like they were going to crack.  We played a game with the majority of the grade twelves and a couple a grade elevens that required everyone to do some ridiculous dance moves, and it was a pretty bonding experience.  After dinner there was a dance party.  The gym was way too hot, but it was pretty fun to dance around with everyone.  Especially when you don't really know how to dance.  The sky out there was so clean of pollution that when you looked up, you could just see layers and layers of stars going on forever.  

Our cabin after lights were out was ridiculous.  It's been a while since I laughed that hard.  We talked about people and about random things, until Natalie got too tired and couldn't put words together anymore.  We laughed so hard, and there were so many injuries from the beds, and a lot of moth and spider killing.  Someone was always threatening to kill someone else.  

In the morning, the showers were pretty brutal, and then we had to endure a rehearsal that felt like forever because I barely got to play.  We had a pretty awesome clinic though, I really liked our clinician because he was helpful and funny all the time.  At lunch there was the most disgusting apple juice that was super watered down and terrible to drink.  After another rehearsal, we played volleyball, and people kept joining in and it was really fun playing with everyone and cheering everybody else on.  After we got tired of playing volleyball, Bronwyn, Natalie, Ramon and I went down the hill to just chill out and talk, and there was a "couple" at the bottom of it cuddling.  Except we think that they were two girls, and we have no idea who they were.  We headed back up the hill, and I hung out with Andrea while we watched everyone continue to play volleyball.  

After dinner we had the scavenger hunt, and so Ramon and I got to experience all of the groups try to do one-liner improv acting.  Some groups were so brutal.  One girl was so awkward that the entire time I just wanted to kick them out.  Mikki's group won, which I was glad for and they got the most points at our station.  When we got back, we found out that Nick, Keith, and four other girls got sent home for smoking and doing drugs during activity time, and got suspended at school.  Which really sucks, because it means that they're probably not going to be able to go on the band trip.  They're pretty stupid for doing that though, so I guess they deserve it, but I really wish they hadn't.

It turned out that a guy smashed the light bulb in our cabin while at Natalie and Amanda's station, because Amanda told them that if they killed the moth they would get bonus points.  The chaperones had to sweep up our cabin and go through our stuff, so for a little while our cabin didn't smell like stinky feet.  During the night, Amanda and Bronwyn kept threatening each other and it actually hurt to breathe, that's how much I was laughing.  In the morning, we had one more rehearsal, and then we took a whole bunch of awesome jumping pictures that turned out really well.  We played on the playground one last time, and then it rained really hard.  Since all of Sam's friends got sent home, he hung out with us.  At lunch we had tacos and he just shoveled it all into his mouth with his hands.  It was pretty disgusting.  Especially when the food fell out of his mouth whenever he talked, and he'd just eat it again.  The bus ride home felt shorter than the ride going to the camp, and then we were at school.

It was a really memorable camp, and it felt so amazing to bond with my friends like that.  Especially looking back from grade ten, when I didn't really hang out with them at all.  I can't wait for our band trip, when we get to spend like two weeks together.  It's going to be SO AWESOME!

listening to:  ultimatum - final fantasy

fool my heart to think that i might've had you

I woke up this morning at 4:45 and couldn't fall back asleep: crappy
I made it on time to choir: sweet
We got to watch a movie on Hitler in social studies: sweet
I got my social studies unit test mark: sweet
Spent band class going over theory that I already knew: crappy
Took six long minutes to heat up my lunch: crappy
Had an Iconographer meeting and had a lot of fun hanging out: sweet
Finally got extremely tired in chemistry and pretty much blacked out while watching an animation: crappy
Math: crappy
Fell asleep during the math lesson: ordinary
Took the bus home with Aswathi so I couldn't fall asleep: crappy
Actually did all of my homework before anything else: sweet
The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother on tonight: sweet

What a perfectly balanced day of mediocrity.

your love was such a heavy, heavy blow

Last night, for my calm homework, I had to write a one page autobigoraphy about myself. And it turned itself into a three page ordeal, even when I changed the font size to 10. I really couldn't help it. For once I really wanted to write. It was as if I was finally admitting everything about myself; all of my flaws and mistakes, the things that make me happy, the people I love the most. I have been listening to a lot of The Dodos lately. Winter is a song that just relates to me so well.

"Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you by my side
I waited for you so long while I traveled far and wide
Convinced myself there's no one better, so how can I deny
Your love, it's like a thorn into my side."

I'm going to be brutally honest with myself right now, because hopefully it'll be the way to get all of these thoughts out of my mind. I don't care who is sick of me talking about all of this. This is my blog. I really don't care who reads this.

No matter how hard I try right now, my mind always seems to be on you. I really did love you, and now I'm so scared that I'll never feel this way about anyone else. Or that no one will feel this way about me. I see so many things that remind me of you, regardless of what it is. The bus ride past Nose Hill reminds me of when we went for a walk, and you piggybacked me through the grass so I wouldn't get tired. Watching The Simpsons in social studies brings me back to every single day we spent in your basement watching it, while I lay on your chest. And then no matter what, I seem to always remember every hug and every kiss we had. It drives me crazy; it is hurting me so much, but I don't ever want to forget any of it. I just wish that it didn't have to end.

Is it a bad thing that just seeing you still brightens up my day? Well it was like that until today, when it seemed like you ignored me. You still are a huge factor to my emotions, even though I don't want you to be. I am perfectly fine, until I am allowed to think and everything rushes back, like if it's destroyed the dam holding me together. I'm happy right now, but I still wish I was happy because I had you. I absolutely hate the fact that I lost you. I was not good enough for you. I knew that from the start, and yet I still thought maybe we could last for a while. You convinced me that we would last. I was hoping that we'd at least make it through the school year, because that's the way it felt like it was going to be. It felt like nothing was wrong, and that we fit together perfectly. Then you changed everything, and you broke a part of me so we're not the right shapes anymore. It's not fair. All of this pain you caused me is not fair, and yet I still just want you to be happy. Fuck me.

listening to: mini t.v.'s - chad vangaalen

you were what i wanted, i gave what i gave

This weekend I went to a funeral in Edmonton, and it was incredibly sad because I couldn't stand to see how devastated my relatives were. My siblings and I were not close to my great aunt, but to see my great uncle .. that hurt so much.

My grandparents are staying at my house, I do not know how long. But it's nice; I love my grandparents. Gavin and I just had a conversation on msn about how I was, and I'm glad that it wasn't in person because I was getting pretty close to crying. This doesn't feel like the best. I wish I was brave enough to ask him what I wanted to know, but I wasn't. The bravest thing I've ever done was admit to him how I felt, and it just ended up with me getting brutally hurt. And him being sorry doesn't make it feel any better.

we're so close to something better left unknown

Things have looked up this week. Gavin and I are friends again. I've kept to my word and I've done my homework every day since Wednesday, which is good for me because I really need to change my lazy ways. I guess I have to thank Calm for helping me realize how I was spending my time. I spent so much time reading! I finally finished all of the Twilight books. Breaking Dawn was surprising! Last night I got my hair cut. I miss my hair being really long! I liked the way it was cut before, because my hair was more layered I guess. But Nancy said that it didn't even really look like my hair got cut. And nobody else really noticed, so it's alright. I just wanted my bangs cut so they wouldn't be in front of my eyes.

There are some times when I break, and my mind reverts to old memories. I can't help it, there are just so many things that remind me. It's like if every single thing, no matter what, has a tie and it's attached to some thing that actually meant something to me. I doubt I'll ever be able to forget any of it, but it's not hurting quite as much, and I'm feeling happy the majority of the time.

this can't be what you want, but you didn't have to demolish me

I just finished Eclipse, and I can't wait to read Breaking Dawn. But there's just one thing about this series that bothers me.

There are just so many things that remind me of the past three months. It's brought up so many memories; so many conversations are echoes of ones that I've had; like the personal sun. I was his personal sun.

New Moon was the hardest for me. Not just the beginning, but the end. Because I know that he doesn't love me anymore, that he and I will never be together again. But the conclusion of New Moon gives me false hope that it could happen, and that's the part of all of this that hurts me the most.

I wish I could fast forward all of this, or grab my heart and smash it to pieces. I hate feeling like this. And I apologize that this has been the only thing I've been able to write about.

no one knows where we go when we're dead, or when we're dreaming

"Is this the end
Or just the start of something really, really beautiful
Wrapped up and disguised
As something really really ugly?"

I got a lot of time to think today. It was really nice day, and I got a really sweet honesty box message. As I was washing the pots, I thought about how all of this really isn't as bad as it seems. I mean, of course it hurts right now, and my heart still feels really heavy. But at least we'll still be friends. We were friends for the other three quarters of the year we knew each other, and it was awesome. We already talked about this a while ago. And just because we're not in a relationship doesn't mean that we can't still talk.

So as I was washing the pots, I realized that I was still on msn, and every so often I wondered if he was talking to me on it. And then another part of me would say, "no. Of course not. He wouldn't talk to you." Even though I really hoped so. I don't know why I really wanted him to talk to me, but it's been like that. At school, I always hope that I run into him in the halls even though that same part tells me that it would only hurt (except I actually did run into him when the bell rang, and I didn't die on the inside). But anyways. I finally finished washing the dishes and when I got back to my computer, he was starting a conversation with me. And we had a good conversation; everything was normal, and I am fine. This is the start of something.

listening to: i wish i was a dog - chad vangaalen

was it ever worth it

I finally got my hands on Twilight, and I read through math class. It's making it a bit easier; when I read, I can't focus on anything else, and that's exactly the way things need to be like right now. Whenever I stop, and then I start thinking, my mind automatically goes to him and it's depressing. But I'm just reading this. This is not the end of the world. This is the beginning of trying to find myself again, and being my own person again.

Today was a better day. Mikalina baked me cookies. Just having my friends is making this a whole lot better.

edit (10:35 pm): it stopped working halfway through, when they fell in love with each other and it painfully brought back so many memories. So many things remind me of him. I need somebody to convince me that everything is alright, please.

listening to: what do you think happens next? - final fantasy

i never loved nobody fully

I didn't see it coming.

And now I'm trying so hard not to cry, and it's not working. He was always there for me. I told him everything. I trusted him so much, and suddenly it's gone. I understand why he doesn't want this right, and it makes so much sense but I don't want it to. I want him to realize that this is a mistake. Two days ago was the best day ever, and now I feel absolutely terrible. There can't be a feeling worse than this. My heart feels like stone and it's sinking faster than ever.

This is going to be so hard. We spent the past time together building so many memories, and now when I'm given time alone to think, it all comes rushing back to me and it hurts so badly. I wish I said something to fight it, but if I opened my mouth I would've cried. This doesn't make any sense. I spent all of my 11:11s wishing for us to be together for a long time, and none of them came true.

How could you do this to me? You told me not to doubt you, that you loved me and that we would last. That I wouldn't lose you. Now I feel like I've lost so much. And if I would have said something, I would have told you that you can't just give up at the first obstacle! That we could still work! That I spent nine months trying to get to know you, trying to win your heart, and now you're giving it all up. I want to stay being friends with you, because you were my best friend before all of this happened, and I don't want to lose anymore than I need to. I loved you. I still love you. And the worst part is that even though you broke my heart, you are still the nicest guy, and I could never hate you. And I wish you were here. This is going to take so much time.

why can't things always just begin, because they always end in tears

Gavin Hodges, thanks for making my birthday so very, very amazing. Right from the moment you picked me up, to the moment we said goodbye. I couldn't wait for yesterday simply because it was the day that we would hang out, just the two of us. Thanks for lunch, for the present, for the card, for the long walk. When we stopped at that bench, that was the best part of the day. I love it when you warm up your hands on my back, when you lean your head against mine so I can feel you blink, when you run your fingers through my hair, when you kiss me on the cheek and look me in the eyes. You are so cute, so .. amazing, and I'm so glad that we are in the place where we are. Like you said, I haven't even known you for a year, but I am so glad I know you now. I can't believe how great my life is with you in it. I can't believe how much I love you.

My siblings got me The Office, season four, for my birthday, so we watched that the entire time that we were at home. I love it so much! We went out for dinner, and ordered way too many dishes, and when we got home we had a blizzard cake! I ate way too much cake, but we still have so much left. Being seventeen feels no different from being sixteen. Even though so many things are changing, I still feel the same.

listening to: introduction - voxtrot

i cannot live without your voice

The week is over! It felt so dragged out. Math makes me want to fall asleep, social studies is pretty funny, chemistry is interesting, and I have a spare! Which I think is pretty darn awesome. Classes being an hour long rocks. I like running into Gavin on my way to math.

Tonight I have to work, and then it's the weekend. I am actually quite excited for tomorrow! It's getting pretty close.

Okay, I'm updating this right now. I worked for an hour before my assistant manager told me that the place was dead and that I could leave. Which I thought was pretty sweet, although I doubt I'll get paid. Oh well. My family is finally back to normal! I love it. Sometimes it feels kind of tense, but I guess that's how it used to be, and at least my parents are talking to each other, and sitting with each other again. Life is really good right now. But we're out of chocolate milk.