the wind is knocking at my door

So I broke 100 today, scored 96. I won low net, but the prize was so worthless: a jersey five times too large, and a baseball cap with the Coca-Cola logo. What the heck?! Other people got like sunglasses and sleeves of balls. I wish I got those instead; at least then I could trade it in or something. Gah. I hate donated prizes. Gift certificates are a whole lot better.

Anyways, I didn't manage to qualify for the tour championship because my friend Ali got the last spot. But I think that's ok, because I still have three tournaments to play. If I don't qualify by then, I'll be very angry. I hope I'll be able to stay under 100. I still have to fix some things.

Nathan is such a good band. Ever since I've heard of them, I've started to listen to them. I want their album now. They are one of the many reasons I'm glad I went to Folk Fest.

listening to: 1234 - feist

i would do anything to see you again

I'm guessing I could throw myself off of a building at the moment and nobody would care. I've always wanted to die to see if anyone would show up at my funeral. I've developed a dark fascination for car accidents; I want to experience one, and that makes me fear them more.

In short, I've been feeling very insignificant these days.

and his massive genitals refused to cooperate

I got to Folk Fest at 1:30 to see Final Fantasy. Even though I went alone today, it was really good. Actually, I prefer going alone,because then you can do whatever you want, when you want, or see whoever you want without worrying if the other person doesn't want to be there. Also, then you can hang around the stage, waiting for an autograph, without having to tell someone what you're doing. Because THAT'S WHAT I DID!!!

The first workshop Final Fantasy was in was with two other groups. I didn't really like the other two groups, but Owen was super good. God I love his violin playing! He played along with the other bands, but you couldn't really hear him playing unless he got solos. Luckily, he had a solo in pretty much every song. I think he played three songs or so. He covered a Mariah Carey song!!!! It was awesome. After he finished, this guy and I were first to wait by the stage, where he was before. After we chatted it up a bit, Owen came and he signed my notepad for me. He is such a nice guy!!

After that workshop, I headed to Stage 2 to go see Final Fantasy ... again. I managed to see the end of Nathan's concert, and they sounded awesome. The Cape May was pretty ok. I didn't really like their song that much. Elini Mandell played a really good song. Final Fantasy played a song he played yesterday, but it was still really good. I had to leave after that to catch Neko's workshop.

I never heard The Sadies before today, but now that I've heard them, I have to get into them more. I loved their songs! Neko was great; she played three songs, and sang along with The Sadies and Good Brothers. I got a spot right up at the front, so the pictures I took of her today are much better than the ones we took last night.

After she finished the workshop, I waited around, hoping for another autograph. Twice she came out right in front of me, to grab her guitars and cords, but I was way to nervous to ask her for an autograph. Instead, I just stood there, hoping that she could read my mind. The last time she came back out on stage to grab her last two guitars, I almost called out but then just watched her walk away. A man standing next to me suddenly said, "you missed your chance!" I could feel my heart drop in my chest. Regardless, I stayed by the stage, hoping that maybe she would come back.

Another lady was there, hoping for Neko's autograph too. She asked the security and the volunteers if they could get her to sign for her, but they simply said "Neko said she wasn't signing." My heart sank even lower. I kept waiting, though. The lady walked away.

A volunteer on the stage caught my eye after. "Are you waiting for Neko?" she asked me, in the nicest voice. I nodded. "I'll go get her for you." She then walked back to where Neko was, but she was busy signing cheques, so the volunteer kept waiting. I just waited, praying that I would get the autograph. The volunteer then talked to this other guy, who walked up to me and said, "I can get you Neko's autograph for you." Oh my god. He took my notepad and pen and walked up to Neko. After a couple minutes, he came back to me and said, "it's a good one!" It was. I was so, so happy that I forgot my water bottle on the stage.

I made it all the way back to the volunteer area before realizing I had left the bottle. I raced back towards the stage, but it was really busy. And as I stood by the vendor where yesterday Heather bought her deep fried chocolate bar, I saw Neko Case. She was wearing a hat and sunglasses and a backpack, and at any other time I would never had recognize her, but I had seen her put it on while I was waiting. I walked up to her and I totally mumbled all this stuff, like thanks for signing my notepad, I really love your music. She was super nice. I talked to her for like thirty seconds, though, because then she had to grab another plate of poutine, and I didn't want to be a jerk and just blabber on. So I just kept walking towards the stage.

I also got Nathan's autographs! The lead singer recognized me from plate recycling, and when I was returning my plate after dinner she recognized me again. Performers are so nice! I can't believe how lucky I was today, and how everything turned out so great. I'm just disappointed that I can't watch Final Fantasy's actual concert tomorrow. However, I am getting my hair cut!

TODAY WAS SO EXCELLENT!

last night i dreamt that i hit a deer with my car

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

My phone's battery and memory is shot. I don't have a functioning phone anymore!! My parents are going to kill me. It's so damn ironic too, because hours earlier I told Heather that it had survived a fall from a chair lift, and being left on the C-Train. UGH! And plus, right before it dropped into the water, I thought, "It'll be ok in my pocket, it won't fall out." Well GUESS WHAT.

Yesterday was pretty fun in general. Heather and I just hung out around TD. And we got our eyebrows waxed. Why Heather said it would be fun, I have no idea. But anyways, it wasn't too bad, but it was just weird for me to do that kind of stuff in public. We headed down to the island and met up with Abbey after, and had to wait at the gate for half an hour. God it was hot yesterday! We got a pretty good spot, though; right up front, by the speakers. The bass was so loud, it vibrated in my chest!

The two acts I was looking forward to yesterday were Final Fantasy and Neko Case. And holy GOD they were good! It just blew me away. I'm going to see them both today again, so that'll be awesome! Too bad I don't have a phone. Fuck.

Oh, and I just have to say, if you make plans to meet up with someone at 12 in the morning, you better fucking turn on your phone. Or at least call them. Because that was just the shitty what happened at the end of last night.

release the stars

Wow, yesterday was fun! I was on plate recycling for the most part of the day. They put me at the hospitality tent, which was badge access only. It was a really easy job; people gave me two bucks, and they'd get their own plate. The best part, though, is that performers would eat at the hospitality tent too, so I got to briefly meet with Rufus Wainwright and his band, The Cape May, someone from Neko Case's band, someone from the Squirrel Nut Zippers, and a whole lot of other people. Oh, and I got an autograph from Dallas Green while they were just sitting in the tent, because I was accompanying a girl who did want his autograph. And Leah Miller's. She's actually nicer than on air. But yeah, it was weird because I didn't even ask for an autograph, and I don't even listen to City And Colour. Anyways.

I managed to get off in time to watch Rufus Wainwright. That guy was awesome to listen to. It was kind of weird, though, because during sound check when he'd talk, his voice was pretty high, but then he sings and it's a low, full song. It's beautiful, anyways. He's really nice; he waved and smiled at me during plate recycling. Ha, I actually like the fact that I was on shift today. At first I wasn't really digging it, because the hospitality tent is way aways from the main stage, whereas the main recycling plate tent was right at the back of the main stage. It was all worth it. Oh, and The Cape May and I after they returned their plates:

"Bastards!"
"Err ... yeah. Well, I can't wait to see you -" (they start walking away)
"Oh, what? Yeah, you can't wait to see us ... LEAVE!"
And then they left.

I didn't get much sleep last night. For some reason, my mind just wouldn't stop thinking, so every time I tried to fall asleep, something would pop into my head. My younger sister and I finally just went downstairs and watched TV for a while. Then I decided to finish reading Harry Potter. I didn't go to bed until 5:00.

I really hope three hours will be good to function on today. Seeing as I'm going to be out in the heat for most of the day. Ugh. I definitely won't want to crash during Neko Case!

i want to be with you all the time

I almost broke 100 today! I played under my handicap! I got to play with the nicest girl, and she was an amazing golfer! I won a hundred bucks! I spent it on $137.00 golf shoes!

Today was an excellent day for golf. Except for the fact that I had to get up at 5:00, and I couldn't fall asleep until after 12 last night. My knees are really, really sore right now, and I think it's from the two and a half hour car drive! What can you do, though?

My mom bought my sister the Harry Potter book yesterday. She finished it today, and now it's my turn! For some reason I don't feel like reading it right now, though! I feel like playing the guitar. My older sister isn't too happy about that, seeing as she wants to read it too. For some reason, though, she wants to be the last person to read it. Weird.

Tomorrow is ... FOLK FEST!! God I'm excited. The girls I golfed with today joked that I should go play Athabasca tomorrow so I can qualify for the tour championship. Two problems, though: the first is that Athabasca is past Edmonton, the shot gun is at 9:00, so that means a five hour drive. Which means waking up at like 3:30 in the morning. Second problem is that I'm volunteering tomorrow, and it'd be impossible to make it back in time. I know it was all a joke, but I really do want to golf tomorrow. I was so close to breaking 100 today! If only if my six iron didn't mess up the last hole.

I'm extremely happy right now!

you'll slit my throat and drain my blood

Holy man alive, I can't believe how much I love playing the guitar right now! I just picked up the guitar yesterday and now I just can't stop. It sounds so beautiful! And it just gives me this fantastic feeling inside! Songs I know how to play now: Intuition, Clinically Dead, Kill Me In My Sleep, Chicago (well just the chords), Major Label Debut, and Hey There Delilah. God I love the guitar!

I got my Folk Fest package today. The t-shirt is sweet! I'm volunteering on Thursday and Sunday, so you should come visit me at the plate recycling station! I'm not sure where it is, but when I do know, I'll let you know!

i'm glad i hitched my apple wagon to your star

So I've finally got my mind cleared up, thank god. I feel a lot better now. Last night I didn't think about the things I had been thinking about before. Instead I was thinking about August 30th and things related to that date. Anyways.

My brother started theory classes today. All I have to say to that is, HA HA HA!! He already has five pages of homework and a hand cramp. I remember the days when I had to go to theory class. That was brutal. You'd spend three weeks in a house with ten or so other kids writing notes and stuff of the sort. The teacher was really, really intimidating. You definitely didn't want to get anything wrong when you were in theory. Last year my brother learned theory from me, and I was a pretty lax teacher. I don't think I ever gave my brother homework. I don't think he'd do it even if I did. So, Gordy, five pages is nothing! Just wait until the load starts building up. Soon you'll be doing twenty. And you definitely won't be able to get out of that!

i like eating fruit off of trees when i'm with you

I've been really paranoid as of late, and kind of depressed for no great reason. I keep believing that you don't want to be my friend, and for that I've been doing a lot of strange things lately. I don't know why, but something in my mind keeps convincing myself that you don't want to hang out with me, or talk to me, or have anything to do with me. I don't even understand why I'm telling myself this, but half of me is actually buying it and making me feel terrible.

It might be because of the movie I watched last night, because the movie was basically all about that. My mind is going crazy, and I don't even understand that logic behind all of it. I'm really sorry. I really do still want to be your friend. I just have to convince myself that I do.

"... you don't like me."

there's nowhere to go but on

I am so BORED and HUNGRY. I don't know why we haven't started dinner yet, because it's 7:00 and we usually have dinner at 6:30. MOM, WHERE ARE YOU?!?! She's sitting on the couch watching tv. Ok ...

Guess what I get to do after dinner? Mow the lawn. With our shitty lawnmower with the messed up bag, so when I cut the grass in the backyard, I have to stop the lawnmower every ten minutes to unclog the bag. My dad promised me that the next time I mowed the lawn, I wouldn't be using that lawnmower. Yeah, that was a month ago. And I have mowed the lawn since then.

Anyways, I'm going to see The New Pornographers in October!! You won't believe how excited I am! Neko Case will be there! And Dan Bejar!!! My mom was pretty pissed, though, because she didn't want me (and my two other sisters) to go. Her tactic, though, was to tell me to "ask dad". I just had to tell him who, when, and where, and right there he bought the tickets! I love you, dad! My mom has been complaining about how many concerts I've been to this year, though. It's only been two! But of course, my older sister has to complain because apparently she's only allowed to go to one concert a year. What kind of bullshit is that? Sure, she's not allowed to go to more than one concert, but she does go to multiple concerts. Ahem, The Strokes. Ahem, Snow Patrol. Maybe next time you bring up the fact that I've gone to more than one concert the year, I'll bust your ass!!!

So I'm going to be trying to save up my money so I can buy some stuff at the concert. Because when you're me, and you don't have a job, and the only way you can earn money is by getting an allowance, money is hard to come by! Good thing I refereed, and that I might be refereeing some more games at the end of the month. Speaking of the end of the month, Folk Fest is coming up! I'm excited for that. Hooray for Neko Case, The Cape May, and Final Fantasy! I haven't got my volunteer schedule, or picked up my package, but I guess it'll come soon. Anyway.

I'm scared of complimenting people now, because I'm afraid they'll start thinking "WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU JUST SUCKING UP TO ME?" I know this thought is random, but is it weird?

all i ever wanted help with was you

I really do hate myself for the fact that I waited around for the entire time I was home for you to go online, and when you did go online, I just didn't have anything to say.

Absolutely nothing.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm sorry.

listening to: my rights versus yours - the new pornographers

people cannot tell you there's no life without them

Last January, my family went out to Las Vegas as part of our family vacation. Of course, instead of wanting to go to shows, or gambling our little brother in the casinos, we went out shopping. We spent one and a half days dedicated to shopping. And we would have spent the other half shopping if we didn't have to board that stupid plane.

We went shopping in those huge outlet malls, because we're Asian and every thing's got to be a deal. After a few shops, we stumbled along the Adidas store. And where else would you want to go shop for shoes? So at first it's just my mom, my older sister and I, because the other half of our family is in some other store somewhere. After some looking around, my sister finds these wicked shoes, bright and funky and in every way beautiful. And I find the same model, except in red and with a different design on them. They were stunning, and I fell in love with them, and for ten whole minutes I drooled over them. The store had a buy one get one 50% off sale, and we had found two pairs of shoes, and so in my mind I was screaming "BUY THEM ALREADY!" at my mom. But of course, my younger sister has to come in and find some shoes that she likes and declare that she will ABSOLUTELY not find any other pair of shoes in any other store to like. And of course, I have to put my shoes back in the box, all the while choking back tears and trying not to look like a lunatic saying goodbye to the most gorgeous pair of shoes I could've had.

Of course, I got a pair of Converse shoes that are pretty cool, and a pair of Pumas that I like enough. But as every day passes by, NO shoe will compare to those Adidas ones! Every single day I think, "man, I wish I got those shoes!"

I just had to bring this up because I just wore my older sister's pair of her Adidas shoes to get the mail. And all I got to say is, I better get a pair of fucking beautiful shoes or something when we go to Seattle.

i never would have got here if i followed my heart

When I was in grade one, I had a best friend named Marissa. I'm not sure what exactly qualified her as my best friend, but I would occasionally go to her house and play with her. I also invited her to the one and only birthday party I would have until grade eight. She gave me an Esmeralda doll that my mom would later re-gift as a present for another friend.

I think Marissa may be the only real best friend I've ever had. As I grew, I somewhat distanced myself from my friends. During my years in King Edward and at Langevin, I had five friends who I was close with, but not that close that I could confide everything to. We would talk about school stuff, and we would play at the park during recess, and all the stuff that kids would do. There were sleepovers, and birthday parties, and the group projects. I have never, ever, however, expressed my truest feelings to these people, these five girls who I spent everyday with, my five friends I have known for six years and counting.

Why? Probably the fact that I had spent grade five more individually than the regular grade five kid. Probably the fact that we had a falling out during grade eight. Or maybe it was the fact that all of our conversations were either: a)how (insert insult here) (insert name here) was, or b)about school work. As we grew up, it eventually got to boys, but that barely touched the surface. We were the kind of girls who never discussed how we were feeling, unless they were feelings about anger. When some of us got to the point of dating, they did everything they could to hide the fact and show absolutely no evidence of what they were doing. It was as if all we wanted each other for was, well, someone to play tag with at the playground.

Since I changed schools, I've met so many new people. I haven't talked to my old friends as much, if at all. Some friendships I have made have impacted me so much, and some people I have became friends with are honestly people I don't think I could live without. I believe that there are one or two people I could consider to be my best friend, but I have an incurable fear that the thought isn't mutual. And what's it to be best friends with someone if they don't consider you one of their best friends? Imagine trusting your life to someone who could think of you as merely an acquaintance. I have always been afraid of burdening someone with my trust. After all, why would someone be genuinely interested in my fears, my thoughts, or my feelings? Even though I sometimes think about people, or worry about friends when I can't fall asleep, what makes me think that somebody would bother to worry about me at one in the morning?

listening to: science vs. romance - rilo kiley

it could begin and end in one evening

It has been six months and six days, and I have yet to succumb. Go me. I don't think I've written a proper blog in a couple of days, and I am bored out of my mind, so I guess that rambling and uncollected thoughts shall now ensue.

I had a golf tournament today, and while I thought that it was ok, I keep thinking "holy GOD you suck, why are you still playing, just stop wasting your family's money and just QUIT!" There is always that insane voice in my head, though, that says "you'll get better, you just need to practice! You'll be shooting 90s soon enough, you'll get everything together, you just need to be patient!" And all the while, I'm in the middle of "are you fucking kidding?" and "I'll try."

I feel kind of down right now because of golf. It makes me feel like a failure. Especially when the fourteen year old I played with today, with a handicap only five less than me, shoots a 84 while I have an embarrassing 114. This cycle is vicious and it just keeps going full circle. When it comes to golf, I'm always going to come up short and that just fucking sucks.

listening to: swimmers - broken social scene

we're living in a world of fucked up lies

Five things I have come to dislike, or have always disliked:

1. Most bands on Much Music.
2. Feet. Especially my younger sister's.
3. Hidden Palms.
4. Almost everything about myself.
5. The fact that I'm so damn bitter today.

Have a good Monday.

i'm wide awake, it's morning

Bad things about today:

Trying to function in 30+ degree weather with only three hours of sleep.
Harry Potter being on at the completely wrong time.
Sitting in the sun on the C-Train and the bus.

Good things about today:

Everything else. Right from meeting Abbey at the C-Train I had a phenomenal day. I loved getting coffee with Abbey (even though I didn't buy coffee). I loved sitting by the river. I loved just talking and talking without any awkward silences. I loved Heather's voicemail, and eating lunch with her. I loved taking photobooth pictures with her, looking around at jewellery and other strange products in almost every store, and comparing every fast food place in the food court's price of bottled water. I really loved hanging out with the two people I wouldn't miss hanging out with for the world.

we gotta menstruate in disguise

I went shopping with my mom and my two sisters today. Boy was that something. We first were browsing around, buying whatever was not expensive and what we "needed", until we hit a shoe store and suddenly my mom remembered that my grandpa's birthday party is next month, and that we (or I, in that case) needed to buy some dress shoes, nice clothes, etc. for the occasion. So that was what we did. For the following two and a half hours.

I didn't realize how similar my older sister and I looked until we were in Nine West. My older sister had found a pair of shoes she liked and was waiting for an employee to give her a proper size. Meanwhile, I picked up a random shoe and got an employee to get me a pair in size 7 1/2s, because she caught me right when I was looking at the shoe, and I didn't realize that I didn't want to try on that shoe. When she left, though, I inspected the shoe further and realized that I had picked up the mother of all terrible shoes. Ok, maybe they weren't that bad. But still.

So, I was waiting for her to return, standing where I was when she left, when she comes out and ... walks up to my sister. And then says "sorry, we only have these in size 7." I watched my sister say "oh, that's ok," before looking at the shoes, a "what-the-hell-those-aren't-the-shoes-I-picked" expression forming on her face. At that point I had already started walking towards them. Right when I said "oh, those were mine", the employee looks at me. And then at my sister. And then at me again. Then takes a double take.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry!" She exclaims, slightly embarrassed. "Are you twins? No wait, just sisters! Oh ..." She then gives me the shoes while we laugh it off awkwardly. I had her get me a larger size, then two different sizes for another shoe before deciding that I didn't want to get any at all. Not on purpose, though! We ended up not getting anything from there at all.

I did, however, realize that I never want to work in a shoe store.

listening to: myriad harbour - the new pornographers (x8)

or did i turn myself against myself

I figured today that since I didn't have to golf, I'd sleep in and just relax. So I woke up at 9:00. Brilliant. Outside, a car alarm has been going off for at least fifteen minutes, and it has to be the most annoying sound ever. Everyone in the neighborhood can probably hear it, so SHUT IT OFF. Holy god. I think an alarm went off a couple days ago too. And now it's finally shut off.

I don't really have anything to say, but I kind of want to keep writing. I'm not a good talker. My brain doesn't work so that I can think of topics right on the spot, and so whenever I have a conversation with someone, there is usually a lot of awkward silences. Unless the person I'm talking to is a fantastic talker, and can keep the conversation going on no matter what. I like listening a lot more; I have opened up my message history with a close friend, where we have hundreds and hundreds of conversations, and she's usually the one talking. The things I'll say are like "lol" or "hahaha" or "yeahhh". But she has a lot of stuff to rant about.

The fact that I don't really like to talk kind of scares me, because I always think when I hang out with someone, "what if it ends up being totally awkward, and that person doesn't enjoy the time we spent, or thinks that I'm an awful person?" Wow, I have a lot of insecurities. And mosquito bites.

it's freezing in the lonliest winter

Golf is finally over for the week. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I think my game is actually improving, because I can hit my iron shots a lot better. My driver's kind of wonky now, though, and I just need to work on my putting. Wow, that sounds like a lot of stuff to work on. My dad bought me a new set of used Ping irons off of eBay, and so I'm pretty excited for that. They probably won't come in for a couple of weeks, and I have to get them fitted, but, hey, they're Pings!

I can't believe how fatigued I am after four days of golfing. When I was bringing my bag to the car, my shoulders were in so much pain. My shoulder muscles are sore from swinging, my ankles feel weak, my calves are tired, and I was really tired (until I slept in the car). I really can't see how people can play every single day! My bag must be really, really heavy or something. Maybe I should use the pencil bag my dad bought, or something. Or carry around less clubs.

I remember maybe a year ago, my dad told me that I should make a blog posting about my golf scores and such. I kind of laughed at the idea of it and thought, "why would I ever want to do that?" Well, what do you know; I think most of my posts so far have been about golf.

Tomorrow will be a day off, so I'll probably practice some more golf. I really hope I don't wake up hurting everywhere. Then on Sunday, I get to see Abbey! I am actually really excited for it. Abbey, can you believe that I haven't seen you for maybe three weeks? It feels like it's been forever.

listening to: turn up the stars - hey ocean!

deep in my membrane, the phantoms they play

I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind. Mainly lyrics from some many songs.

Cause I miss you like I miss you. Look out upon the Myriad Harbour. Such a lovable land to me. My dad told me that he'll get me those Ping clubs, as long as I practice and work on my golf game. Which is exactly what I'm planning on doing. I've decided that every day I'm not golfing, I should go outside and practice. If I'm ever online anything at 8:00 from now on, ask me why.

I didn't play as well as I did yesterday. I could blame on the fact that I didn't play with the Ping clubs, but I know that that isn't true. My back nine was pretty terrible. I didn't actually feel bad about it, though, because after, when my friends and I went in for the meal, I had such a great time. Those girls are hilarious. Allison's lack of food, Brecken's problem with getting out of her chair, my junk food bet, salt and pepper, freaking out when Allison flipped open her cell phone at me, poking each other with tees, "GO SIT WITH THE TABLE OF CHAMPIONS!", Allison's golf tan, my broad shoulders, "If you don't sit with me, I'll kill you" ... oh man. That hour alone made up for the four hours before.

My tee time tomorrow is at 9:30. Which means that under normal circumstances, I would be able to at least sleep in until 7:30 at the latest. But no, instead I have to get up at 6:00 so my friend, Jennifer, who is totally pro by the way, can give me a ride to the golf course. Seriously, why do they have to go at 6:30 when she tees up at 8:54 ?!

And that's a fact, so come on back.

listening to: detective daughter - emily haines & the soft skeletons

the day the music died

Guess how I woke up today?

My sister punched me in the face while she asleep. At 5:38 in the morning.

I had to wake up at 6:00 anyways, because of golf. Today I feel like I'll be able to talk about my round. Why? Because I played a lot better than I did yesterday. I don't know if I can attribute it to me, or the clubs I used today. They were used Ping G2's, which probably won't mean anything to you, but they are so much better than my own clubs. I was only demoing them today, though, and they cost $600. Which is really expensive for us. I really hate the fact that my friend, Allison, just pointed at a set of brand new, thousand dollar Pings and got them, and my dad probably won't get me these clubs. I want to get a job now, so I can buy them. My older sister figured that I just had to work three weeks to pay off the clubs. But the thing is, I need those clubs now. I still have two days of tournament play, and I won't be playing with those Pings. Just when my game was getting better.

I finished reading Extremely Close and Incredibly Loud by Jonathan Safran Foer. What an amazing book. It is so sad, yet so well written. I love it. If you ever get the chance, please read it. You'll be glad.

and i'm all hooked up

Sorry for the excessive blogging, non-existing readers.

As of now, I'm kind of feeling kind of down. Why? I just read the most depressing passage ever in a book. I've never cried because of a book. It was just so ... beautifully written. And I was so sad. I couldn't help it.

Then, when I checked my tee time, it turns out I'm the second earliest. Which also means that I was the second worst out there. Which I already knew, but it sucks to see it. Especially when you see that the best player is only one stroke over par. And I'm like fifty over.

And I really dislike my dad right now. Really. Everything he says makes me feel like shit.

Oh, and my iPod battery just died.

we won't ever feel the storm

So I was going to talk about my golf game, but it was just too horrendous to talk about. Instead, I will try to find something else to talk about.

Six months ago, in January, my sisters and I swore off of junk food. Chocolate, icecream, pie ... even french fries are not allowed. However, we were allowed one exception per month (my mom's idea; she thought we'd drive ourselves crazy if we didn't get at least a little bit of sugar. We didn't exactly object.), and two cans of pop per month. We were to last six months, and if you caved, you had to pay up twenty-five bucks to the person who lasts the longest.

My younger sister conceded first. She lasted four months before giving up, hollering "I can't do this anymore! I. NEED. CHOCOLATE." She then went directly to our pantry and pulled out a box of chocolates.

Yesterday was the last day of the six months. My older sister and I are still going for it. Actually, she lost after three months, but she wanted to be back in the competition because she didn't want to eat unhealthy anymore. She has to pay forty dollars instead of twenty-five. But now that we're past six months, it's sudden death; we no longer have any exceptions. Plus, we've banned a lot of things that we could eat before. We're not allowed to eat pizza, hot dogs, or popcorn anymore.

Sometimes, I honestly do feel like giving up, but I am way too competitive. I really hate losing. It's one of the many, many, many flaws to my character.

and everyone must breathe until their dying breath

I guess when you're bored, you're pretty much compelled to write something. As the case for me. So, without further ado, here are three completely (?) true things about myself.

1. I've had a couple people tell me that I have good music taste. I really don't. The whole reason I got into the music I'm into is because my older sister updated my iPod for me. And I didn't have any other source of music, so I just went to the flow. And if my sister didn't give me the music, people who do have good music taste recommended it to me. I don't think I've actually found any good music on my own.
2. I spent six or seven years playing the piano. Those were very, very tough years. Our piano teacher was extremely strict, and if you weren't playing well, you were in trouble. I can remember several lessons where I'd leave either very, very angry or almost (or already) in tears. Thanks to our strict 1-hour-a-day practices, piano lessons, and perseverance, though, I won a lot of Kiwanis music competitions. In fact, in every competition I entered (except in level two), I got either second or first place. I've got a whole lot of scholarships from piano too. And, in 2000, I had the highest exam mark in level five in the entire province. So, what did I do after I finished level eight? I quit piano for sports. However, I still have to do several piano-related things in my house. For example, I have to help my younger siblings with their ear training. Last year, I taught my brother his preliminary theory. He scored a 97%. Also another fact: out of everyone on my mom's side, including our family, every single person who took piano finished their level eight but one.
3. I'm absolutely terrible at finding the right things to say. It's probably because I haven't experienced nearly enough things to be able to understand the situation. Instead, I just search for the right things to say in lyrics. Sometimes you can find the exact things you need to hear in a song. Plus, they get the whole poetry thing going on, so not only are the words right, they sound really good too.
   

Oh, and I really like the name Abbey. It sounds like a name that could match someone with a fantastic personality.

listening to: somewhere i know there is nothing - chad vangaalen

maybe we can last just a little longer

My sleeping habits are so strange. Sometimes when I go to sleep, I have to wait at least an hour before I finally fall asleep. While I'm sleeping, it feels as if I'm still awake. Then, something in my mind screams at me to wake up, so I do. One or two hours too early. Sometimes I enjoy the fact that I woke up early, because it means that I can go back to sleep. It's like ... "Yeah, it's only 5:00, so I can sleep for three more hours!" God, I'm so messed up.

That's what happened to me last night. I was listening to a CD, just waiting to fall asleep. I really hate that ... having to wait. I'm a very impatient person. I woke up at 6:56 today, but unfortunately, I didn't get to fall back asleep because I supposed to play a practice round of golf with my friend before my tournament tomorrow, and the golf course was an hour and a half away, and our tee time was at 9:30.

So as we're heading down to High River, the weather takes a turn for the worse, and it gets really windy and stormy. By the time we get to my friend's house (whose name, incidentally, is also Allison), the wind is super strong, and it's raining, and it's really cold. From her house it's half an hour to the golf course, so we watched the weather turn more and more depressing as we drove.

We ended up not playing. The plan was for my dad to drop us off, us to play our round, get driven back to Allison's house by one of her golf mates' mom, then I take the C-Train home. Instead, we sat in the lounge for an hour. The girl and her mom, was supposed to drive us home, decided that they wouldn't play so they left right away. We were still deciding if we wanted to tough it out. But it was really, really windy. Two girls we knew came in after playing nine holes, and they told us that it was really cold. That's when we decided to go home.

The funny thing, though, is that as I rode the C-Train home, the weather got a lot better. In fact, three or four stops later, it was sunny. I 'm suspecting that karma was punishing me for missing that soccer game. WHY do I have to feel so guilty about it?

Anyways, now I'm sitting at home with nothing to do. And I know that tomorrow is going to suck, because my golf game has been terrible and because I didn't golf today, it's going to suffer even more. Oh, well. Did you know that the golf scene is pretty cool? There are so few girls (like maybe 30 at the most), that you basically get to know everyone. Even if they don't really know you. Golf is kind of like high school; you always want to have the best equipment, golf clothes, but most of all, you want to have the best scores. Then you want to sit with the people with the best stuff at the awards ceremonies and dinners, but you can't really because you aren't one of the best. Did you know that the better your scores are, the cooler you seem to everyone else? It's true.

listening to: honey honey - feist

i've seen the hardest people soften in the spotlight

Enough things happened this weekend. I must be the worst planner in the history of people who have ever planned stuff. Well, maybe not, but really, it wasn't good.

The first reason I am not a good planner is the fact that I rarely even check my calendar to even check if I'm busy. Because you know, there's nothing better than being oblivious to the fact that you were supposed to referee a soccer game for some eleven year old kids that Saturday morning. So, instead, you go out and eat some pancakes with sausages, go look on Facebook for a little while, then read a book.

The second reason is I am truly terrible with communication. I told my friend, Cecilia, that I would meet her at the C-Train station at 12:10. I also told her to take the 199 to get to the movie theatre, and later realized that a completely different bus would take us to the movie theatre, and that the 199 doesn't even show up during the time we're planning to go. And to top that off, my dad tells me that he'll just pick her up and take us to the theatre. And I don't even call her. And my other friend? I call the house she's staying in once, to discover that nobody's home. So what do I do? I don't bother calling again.

My dad and I got to the C-Train station at 12:05. I then spent forty five long minutes waiting for her before getting extremely pissed and walking back to my dad's car. We then check the next stop to make sure that she didn't accidentally go there. She didn't. By the time we got to the theatre, I was half an hour late for the movie we wanted to see, and I wasn't even sure if either of them had shown up.

My dad managed to persuade the guy checking tickets to let me into the theatre to look for my friends. I rush in, blindly, looking for either of them, but of course, you couldn't see anything in that theatre. I'm about to trudge out of the theatre when what. the. fuck. Cecilia is standing right in front of me, trying to catch my attention.

We walk out of the theatre and start shouting (well not really) at each other. Then we suddenly wonder why our other friend isn't there. I call her number and there she is. At home. While we're at the movies, half an hour into the show. After asking her why she wasn't where we were, she explains to us that I never called her, so she didn't go. Cecilia and I stare at each other in disbelief. We end up just watching it without her. Even though we basically planned it so we can see her, since she lives in Chicago and was only in town for one more week. Talk about fucked up. The rest of the day was pretty alright, though.

Today I spent the evening having some 'family time' with my siblings. Who really does that anymore? We started out playing Mario Kart, but had to stop for dinner. Which was a good thing, because I was kicking their asses, and it was pissing off my older sister. After dinner, we played Life. Pirates Of The Caribbean style. But we didn't just play it once; we played it twice. We are really too competitive. I have to admit, though, that it truly was funny when my sister pretty much flung her plastic cup of water off the table, and we sat there for five minutes laughing our asses off.

By the way, I'm still feeling really guilty about missing that soccer game.

i'm not sorry i've got nothing to say

Holy man alive it is hot. I am sitting in my friend's room right now, typing this up and sweating up a storm. My brain is really lagging because of the fact that I only had three hours of sleep last night. I'm usually one of those people who sleep for eight or nine hours. Blame it on Taboo and really good friends.

The past two days have been quite exciting. They might even be good enough to write about. I slept over at my friend's new house last night, along with a couple of other friends. We spent most of the night outside on her porch, huddled in blankets underneath a starry sky. My friend, Maggie, can tell the most hilarious stories. It was extremely relaxing, until the mosquitoes started biting. We then hung around in the house while the rest of my friend's family slept. I really hope we weren't too loud. Maggie and I ended up playing Taboo, minus the timing and scorekeeping. Sometimes we were really good at guessing the word. Example: "Maggie, if you think a guy is a hottie, you could also say he was a ..."

"HUNK!"

We managed to get the word "babe" in a second too.

By the time I had started thinking about sleeping, the sun was beginning to rise. We hung out on her roof, while it was shady. We ate outside on her porch again, and I just realized that these people are probably the few people I could spend a comfortable silence with. I'm hanging out at my (other) friend's house right now, and we just spent a good half an hour not having something to say to each other. And I was okay with that.