can you please forgive the love

I've started to run out of things to say.  At least, things on here.  It's like if it's come to a point where my mind is filtering all of my thoughts, so just a stacatto of words spit out one by one.  What is there to say?  I've actually been enjoying doing math homework.  I guess that's not really normal.  I have to admit, I like math, and I like doing math.  There is just something comforting about being right about something.  My school marks are okay right now, and I guess it's because I don't have any distractions now.  At least, that's what my mom would say.  And this is before I find out what my social studies mark is, which I'm scared for because I'm certain my essay was absolutely awful.  I don't know how I could have written something so bad.  But, what's done is done, and I'm going to have to take it and really work hard for my next tests and essays.  Oh!  I have a playing test for band tomorrow, which should be fun.  I'll get to work on my drawing thing.  I really don't think my yearbook design won at all, which kind of blows because I put so much effort into it.  Whatever.  I like it a lot, and my friends like it, and I'm pretty proud that I kept to it until the end.

What else?  I think I've thought of my Halloween costume, if I can pull this off then it will be absolutely epic.  I think I'm going to start working on it tomorrow night.  I've been watching the skies and I think that clouds are beautiful with the sun.  The stars are beautiful with the moon.  Just some simple facts.  CJSW's funding drive is going on and they are giving some sweet prizes.  I'm going for the toque!  Over the weekend I worked with Mikki for Cailey's dad, and I made up all the money I would've probably made in a month.  My life has been slowly reverting back to previous times, and I'm sharing a quiet friendship where I'm always wondering if I should send you a message.  Is this our normality now?  It's kind of like what I've been learning in chemistry about equilibrium.  There's a stress in the system, so now we're trying to shift to bring it to a new equilibrium.  Or at least, I'm shifting.  And I think it's working.

even if he wanted to, do you think he'd come back

Choir camp was fun.  Personally, I enjoyed band camp a whole lot more, and choir camp last year was more fun because there was a bigger group, but still .. I really loved hanging out with Jessica because we hardly ever get a chance to hang out regularly.  She is really amazing!  There were some pretty good moments too, like karoake, and the broken fridge, and the ridiculous photoshoot, and our late night talks that actually weren't that late, and the group activities were actually really enjoyable .. but it was just cold, and different.  And there was way too much singing.  I was too tired!  I pretty much passed out during the full choir rehearsal.  I accidentally had a solo about a pig and ladies who shake it easy.  Jessica and I pitched to Mr. Waters our awesome harmony.  On the bus ride home, Jessica and I listened to Ghost Mice, and I was so tired I pretty much spaced out.

Regarding the question last night, I honestly don't think I would change anything about my life right now.  I almost considered the obvious fact, but then again, I was probably just getting my hopes up, and I highly doubt that you feel the same way anymore.  Also, that wouldn't change anything anyways, because now I know that even if something does click in your mind, it won't last and there is no sense in just elongating pain.  Maybe I just don't trust you enough to tell you the truth.  Or maybe I'm just too scared of what you'll think.  I think it's the latter.  I still think you are very sweet, and I'm glad you are my friend.  I guess this is the way things are supposed to be.  The way things were supposed to be since the beginning.  I'm not being bitter, I swear.  I spent nine months digging my feelings into my skin, what's new now?

now i know what i don't want, i learned that with you

What a crappy week this has been. There have been way too many tests, and too much stress that's been going on. I should have studied last night, but instead I took a evening long break because of my essay and test on Monday. I woke up at five this morning for no reason, and I ended up staying up, thinking about all of the things that are hurting me. I was never prepared to feel this way. I stretched my arms wide open and fell backwards. The landing just winded me, and now I'm feeling the aftermath. It's all happening in pieces, so all the tiny pieces just cut into the worst spots. Things are turning up and going down all at the same time, and I never know what I'm feeling because it's just a pool of mess. I am a mess. I can't go through all of this by myself. I thought I was strong enough, but really I am weak and self conscious. I'm tired and lost and so sick of being myself.

Tomorrow I leave for choir camp, and we'll see what happens there.

listening to: how my heart behaves - feist

who could love you more than me

I am so tired right now, but: Feist! Wow. The way she plays her songs, like if they're never twice the same is amazing. Her voice is absolutely perfect, like it has the right balance of edge and softness and fullness, and it just sounds so real. We were so close to her that we could see every smile, and all the words she shouted off the mic. When she sung into the crowd without the mic .. it sounded so different but still so powerful and it sent shivers down my spine. She played pretty much everything I wanted to hear ... Mushaboom, I Feel It All, Intuition, How My Heart Behaves, Phantoms, My Moon My Man, Past In Present, Gatekeeper, Secret Heart, 1 2 3 4 and so many others. She is just such a beautiful musician!

hoping that you'll come back to see me

There are some good things going in my life right now. Finding out that we're going to Germany for band .. holy cow. I can't believe it and I am so excited. This trip is going to be so awesome! I've never been outside of North America, and the fact that I'm going with my friends is wicked. I am doing pretty well in school, which is good because it's only a month in. I'm studying and working hard, and even in chemistry when I think I'm doing stuff wrong, I'm still getting it and I guess I do understand! Last night I went to Megan's house for a movie party, and it was a lot of fun. We watched Death at a Funeral first, because a bunch of us didn't want to watch a scary movie, and it was so ridiculous. I laughed so hard. It was really noisy because there were so many of us but none the less it was sweet. Ramon is such a funny guy. After that movie ended, we spent fifteen minutes trying to figure out if the majority of us wanted to watch the scary movie or not, but nobody was really listening and people were throwing orange peels at other people, so we finally just told Megan to pop in the scary movie. It was One Missed Call, and it was ridiculous and not scary at all. We spent the whole time making fun of everything that happened, especially at the really "scary" parts. It was just all cliche and stuff. After that, we kinda just hung out in her basement, and Cole and I pinned Mikki down and tickled her so badly. Then Cole played a game where we see how many times Megan would flinch (every time). It ways a good night. I actually hadn't hung out with people in a while, until yesterday.

Tonight I'm going to Feist, and I'm so excited! I'm going with my sisters and we have floor seats, and I've been waiting for this day for so long because I LOVE Feist! I'm supposed to be studying for math or working on my essay outline for social studies, but I haven't done either. Lately I've been going into some kind of relapse. Getting over this has been actually so hard, and every time I think I'm alright, I get all bipolar and my mind starts working against me. Some days hurt almost as much as the first day. I've been racking my brain with so many reasons why this is all alright, but then so many memories pop up that make me forget all of them. I am so happy the majority of the time, but it's the short minutes in between that really scar my heart.

no kansas palm beetle could ever come close to that free

Well! Today felt like it moved pretty quickly. I actually learned in math, until my attention finally broke and I started fidgeting with my stuff. In chemistry, I felt like an ass because I just acted so mean. I don't know why. I really didn't mean to. During social studies I had a test that I think went alright. After school I raked leaves with a bunch of my friends! It was pretty fun .. I enjoyed hanging out with Jessica and Kim, and drinking hot chocolate and eating chocolate muffins on the sidewalk and getting rejected by people who didn't want to have their lawns raked. There were a lot of duplexes, where the side on the right would want their lawn raked, and the side on the left wouldn't. So it'd end up with half the lawn being raked so it looked pretty funny. Kim and I drove home rockin' to Vampire Weekend, which was pretty sweet. My feet are pretty cold but I feel pretty good! Life is awesome right now.

i found my place in the wishing well

Guys!  My mom is leaving to go to China tomorrow!  I accomplished something that really should be something small but it means so much to me.  I'm taking great steps to get away from who I was, and as a result I'm becoming more of who I used to be.  And I am quite happy!  Boy has my life been such a roller coaster.  Sometimes I go back and read my previous entries, and I just sound really crazy.  Man.

I opted to stay home and watch disc one of 30 Rock instead of hanging out with people.  Maybe it was because Gavin invited me and I've been kind of resisting.  Sometimes it's just easier to hide away for a little while, you know?  But we're okay and it does feel easy to talk to him.  There's just a lot of times now when I don't really want to talk to him.  I think I just need space, because we have still been interconnected even through everything we've been through.  Is all of this healthy?  I have no idea, but I really don't mind.

Anyways, some anecdotes.  Today in chemistry, Mr. Schrottner was gone so Mr. Brownlee, our student teacher, was in charge.  It was a work period anyways.  Since none of us could really remember his name (I thought it was Mr. Bradley), I decided to just call him "Bro", because it was the first three letters of his last name.  And we said it in a dumb surfer voice.  Anyways, while he passed me in the hallway during lunch, he called me "Seto", which didn't phase me at all until he pointed it out.  He told me that he'd start calling me Seto since I was calling him Bro.  Then, during class, we got a talk about Aids Awareness and I said I'd wear red pants, and Mr. Brownlee stated that my purple pants I wore yesterday were obnoxious.  And that I was obnoxious.  Which hurt!  Well, not really, but I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him for the rest of the class.  At one point, he sat in the desk in front of me to try to get me to talk to him, but I just pulled my desk back.  And then later he took my calculator and typed "IM SORRY" on it.  I didn't talk to him until the very end of class.  It was pretty fun.

Also, there is a guy in band who came here from China.  Have I mentioned this before?  Anyways, the first day he was in band class, we had a conversation and ended up taking the same bus home.  So on Thursday, he came up to me after band class and asked if I would take the bus home with him.  Unfortunately, I was staying to watch the volleyball game (our senior girls owned!), and so he asked if I would take the bus with him next week and I agreed.  It was sweet!

it's that time again

"take note," he says with tiniest smile,

as he lights the simplest fire.

in his eyes I can see the reflection

of the ambers, of the stars, and

small secrets he doesn't mind sharing.

in seconds the fire goes out

and we plunge into darkness.

we are surrounded by nothing but

emptiness and cigarette butts.

"don't worry, i won't leave,"

but i can already feel his grip loosen.

I've been working on The Iconographer all evening, and I'm finally getting inspired again.

the only thing i know is that the answer isn't for us

I just have to say: these days I feel a lot better, like my smile isn't forced and my happiness is genuine. Day by day my thoughts have stopped crippling me. Even though I wish this didn't happen, I don't need him anymore to elevate my mood. Because even though he was the first boy I ever loved, he's not going to be the last. I am not a lost cause.

you're the reason i'm not sorry

I have to be honest.  I wasn't expecting this year's band camp to be as good as last year, simply because of the lack of my friends going.  Tamara, Cailey, Leslie, Jocelyne .. almost everyone but Mikki from our cabin last year dropped out of band.  Mikki and I were going to room with Natalie, Amanda, Bronwyn, and Sheila, which was going to be great, but we also had to room with Haley, Chelsea, and Rebecca, who I am not quite as fond of.  There were way too many grade tens going, too.  

Band camp was so awesome, though.  I'm really glad that my last year of it was this good.  The bus ride to the camp was the beginning of our ridiculous antics, when we were on the dirt road and all of the dust came into the bus and into our faces.  From there, we found out that our cabin was divided, so us six didn't have to really be in the same room as the other girls.  The scenery at the camp was absolutely breathtaking.  You could see the mountains and acres of fields and trees.  They had a wooden playground that Amanda wouldn't call a playground, with the sketchiest tunnel that nobody could go through comfortably and creaky planks that seriously sounded like they were going to crack.  We played a game with the majority of the grade twelves and a couple a grade elevens that required everyone to do some ridiculous dance moves, and it was a pretty bonding experience.  After dinner there was a dance party.  The gym was way too hot, but it was pretty fun to dance around with everyone.  Especially when you don't really know how to dance.  The sky out there was so clean of pollution that when you looked up, you could just see layers and layers of stars going on forever.  

Our cabin after lights were out was ridiculous.  It's been a while since I laughed that hard.  We talked about people and about random things, until Natalie got too tired and couldn't put words together anymore.  We laughed so hard, and there were so many injuries from the beds, and a lot of moth and spider killing.  Someone was always threatening to kill someone else.  

In the morning, the showers were pretty brutal, and then we had to endure a rehearsal that felt like forever because I barely got to play.  We had a pretty awesome clinic though, I really liked our clinician because he was helpful and funny all the time.  At lunch there was the most disgusting apple juice that was super watered down and terrible to drink.  After another rehearsal, we played volleyball, and people kept joining in and it was really fun playing with everyone and cheering everybody else on.  After we got tired of playing volleyball, Bronwyn, Natalie, Ramon and I went down the hill to just chill out and talk, and there was a "couple" at the bottom of it cuddling.  Except we think that they were two girls, and we have no idea who they were.  We headed back up the hill, and I hung out with Andrea while we watched everyone continue to play volleyball.  

After dinner we had the scavenger hunt, and so Ramon and I got to experience all of the groups try to do one-liner improv acting.  Some groups were so brutal.  One girl was so awkward that the entire time I just wanted to kick them out.  Mikki's group won, which I was glad for and they got the most points at our station.  When we got back, we found out that Nick, Keith, and four other girls got sent home for smoking and doing drugs during activity time, and got suspended at school.  Which really sucks, because it means that they're probably not going to be able to go on the band trip.  They're pretty stupid for doing that though, so I guess they deserve it, but I really wish they hadn't.

It turned out that a guy smashed the light bulb in our cabin while at Natalie and Amanda's station, because Amanda told them that if they killed the moth they would get bonus points.  The chaperones had to sweep up our cabin and go through our stuff, so for a little while our cabin didn't smell like stinky feet.  During the night, Amanda and Bronwyn kept threatening each other and it actually hurt to breathe, that's how much I was laughing.  In the morning, we had one more rehearsal, and then we took a whole bunch of awesome jumping pictures that turned out really well.  We played on the playground one last time, and then it rained really hard.  Since all of Sam's friends got sent home, he hung out with us.  At lunch we had tacos and he just shoveled it all into his mouth with his hands.  It was pretty disgusting.  Especially when the food fell out of his mouth whenever he talked, and he'd just eat it again.  The bus ride home felt shorter than the ride going to the camp, and then we were at school.

It was a really memorable camp, and it felt so amazing to bond with my friends like that.  Especially looking back from grade ten, when I didn't really hang out with them at all.  I can't wait for our band trip, when we get to spend like two weeks together.  It's going to be SO AWESOME!

listening to:  ultimatum - final fantasy