fool my heart to think that i might've had you

I woke up this morning at 4:45 and couldn't fall back asleep: crappy
I made it on time to choir: sweet
We got to watch a movie on Hitler in social studies: sweet
I got my social studies unit test mark: sweet
Spent band class going over theory that I already knew: crappy
Took six long minutes to heat up my lunch: crappy
Had an Iconographer meeting and had a lot of fun hanging out: sweet
Finally got extremely tired in chemistry and pretty much blacked out while watching an animation: crappy
Math: crappy
Fell asleep during the math lesson: ordinary
Took the bus home with Aswathi so I couldn't fall asleep: crappy
Actually did all of my homework before anything else: sweet
The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother on tonight: sweet

What a perfectly balanced day of mediocrity.

your love was such a heavy, heavy blow

Last night, for my calm homework, I had to write a one page autobigoraphy about myself. And it turned itself into a three page ordeal, even when I changed the font size to 10. I really couldn't help it. For once I really wanted to write. It was as if I was finally admitting everything about myself; all of my flaws and mistakes, the things that make me happy, the people I love the most. I have been listening to a lot of The Dodos lately. Winter is a song that just relates to me so well.

"Don't know if I'll make it through this winter without you by my side
I waited for you so long while I traveled far and wide
Convinced myself there's no one better, so how can I deny
Your love, it's like a thorn into my side."

I'm going to be brutally honest with myself right now, because hopefully it'll be the way to get all of these thoughts out of my mind. I don't care who is sick of me talking about all of this. This is my blog. I really don't care who reads this.

No matter how hard I try right now, my mind always seems to be on you. I really did love you, and now I'm so scared that I'll never feel this way about anyone else. Or that no one will feel this way about me. I see so many things that remind me of you, regardless of what it is. The bus ride past Nose Hill reminds me of when we went for a walk, and you piggybacked me through the grass so I wouldn't get tired. Watching The Simpsons in social studies brings me back to every single day we spent in your basement watching it, while I lay on your chest. And then no matter what, I seem to always remember every hug and every kiss we had. It drives me crazy; it is hurting me so much, but I don't ever want to forget any of it. I just wish that it didn't have to end.

Is it a bad thing that just seeing you still brightens up my day? Well it was like that until today, when it seemed like you ignored me. You still are a huge factor to my emotions, even though I don't want you to be. I am perfectly fine, until I am allowed to think and everything rushes back, like if it's destroyed the dam holding me together. I'm happy right now, but I still wish I was happy because I had you. I absolutely hate the fact that I lost you. I was not good enough for you. I knew that from the start, and yet I still thought maybe we could last for a while. You convinced me that we would last. I was hoping that we'd at least make it through the school year, because that's the way it felt like it was going to be. It felt like nothing was wrong, and that we fit together perfectly. Then you changed everything, and you broke a part of me so we're not the right shapes anymore. It's not fair. All of this pain you caused me is not fair, and yet I still just want you to be happy. Fuck me.

listening to: mini t.v.'s - chad vangaalen

you were what i wanted, i gave what i gave

This weekend I went to a funeral in Edmonton, and it was incredibly sad because I couldn't stand to see how devastated my relatives were. My siblings and I were not close to my great aunt, but to see my great uncle .. that hurt so much.

My grandparents are staying at my house, I do not know how long. But it's nice; I love my grandparents. Gavin and I just had a conversation on msn about how I was, and I'm glad that it wasn't in person because I was getting pretty close to crying. This doesn't feel like the best. I wish I was brave enough to ask him what I wanted to know, but I wasn't. The bravest thing I've ever done was admit to him how I felt, and it just ended up with me getting brutally hurt. And him being sorry doesn't make it feel any better.

we're so close to something better left unknown

Things have looked up this week. Gavin and I are friends again. I've kept to my word and I've done my homework every day since Wednesday, which is good for me because I really need to change my lazy ways. I guess I have to thank Calm for helping me realize how I was spending my time. I spent so much time reading! I finally finished all of the Twilight books. Breaking Dawn was surprising! Last night I got my hair cut. I miss my hair being really long! I liked the way it was cut before, because my hair was more layered I guess. But Nancy said that it didn't even really look like my hair got cut. And nobody else really noticed, so it's alright. I just wanted my bangs cut so they wouldn't be in front of my eyes.

There are some times when I break, and my mind reverts to old memories. I can't help it, there are just so many things that remind me. It's like if every single thing, no matter what, has a tie and it's attached to some thing that actually meant something to me. I doubt I'll ever be able to forget any of it, but it's not hurting quite as much, and I'm feeling happy the majority of the time.

this can't be what you want, but you didn't have to demolish me

I just finished Eclipse, and I can't wait to read Breaking Dawn. But there's just one thing about this series that bothers me.

There are just so many things that remind me of the past three months. It's brought up so many memories; so many conversations are echoes of ones that I've had; like the personal sun. I was his personal sun.

New Moon was the hardest for me. Not just the beginning, but the end. Because I know that he doesn't love me anymore, that he and I will never be together again. But the conclusion of New Moon gives me false hope that it could happen, and that's the part of all of this that hurts me the most.

I wish I could fast forward all of this, or grab my heart and smash it to pieces. I hate feeling like this. And I apologize that this has been the only thing I've been able to write about.

no one knows where we go when we're dead, or when we're dreaming

"Is this the end
Or just the start of something really, really beautiful
Wrapped up and disguised
As something really really ugly?"

I got a lot of time to think today. It was really nice day, and I got a really sweet honesty box message. As I was washing the pots, I thought about how all of this really isn't as bad as it seems. I mean, of course it hurts right now, and my heart still feels really heavy. But at least we'll still be friends. We were friends for the other three quarters of the year we knew each other, and it was awesome. We already talked about this a while ago. And just because we're not in a relationship doesn't mean that we can't still talk.

So as I was washing the pots, I realized that I was still on msn, and every so often I wondered if he was talking to me on it. And then another part of me would say, "no. Of course not. He wouldn't talk to you." Even though I really hoped so. I don't know why I really wanted him to talk to me, but it's been like that. At school, I always hope that I run into him in the halls even though that same part tells me that it would only hurt (except I actually did run into him when the bell rang, and I didn't die on the inside). But anyways. I finally finished washing the dishes and when I got back to my computer, he was starting a conversation with me. And we had a good conversation; everything was normal, and I am fine. This is the start of something.

listening to: i wish i was a dog - chad vangaalen

was it ever worth it

I finally got my hands on Twilight, and I read through math class. It's making it a bit easier; when I read, I can't focus on anything else, and that's exactly the way things need to be like right now. Whenever I stop, and then I start thinking, my mind automatically goes to him and it's depressing. But I'm just reading this. This is not the end of the world. This is the beginning of trying to find myself again, and being my own person again.

Today was a better day. Mikalina baked me cookies. Just having my friends is making this a whole lot better.

edit (10:35 pm): it stopped working halfway through, when they fell in love with each other and it painfully brought back so many memories. So many things remind me of him. I need somebody to convince me that everything is alright, please.

listening to: what do you think happens next? - final fantasy

i never loved nobody fully

I didn't see it coming.

And now I'm trying so hard not to cry, and it's not working. He was always there for me. I told him everything. I trusted him so much, and suddenly it's gone. I understand why he doesn't want this right, and it makes so much sense but I don't want it to. I want him to realize that this is a mistake. Two days ago was the best day ever, and now I feel absolutely terrible. There can't be a feeling worse than this. My heart feels like stone and it's sinking faster than ever.

This is going to be so hard. We spent the past time together building so many memories, and now when I'm given time alone to think, it all comes rushing back to me and it hurts so badly. I wish I said something to fight it, but if I opened my mouth I would've cried. This doesn't make any sense. I spent all of my 11:11s wishing for us to be together for a long time, and none of them came true.

How could you do this to me? You told me not to doubt you, that you loved me and that we would last. That I wouldn't lose you. Now I feel like I've lost so much. And if I would have said something, I would have told you that you can't just give up at the first obstacle! That we could still work! That I spent nine months trying to get to know you, trying to win your heart, and now you're giving it all up. I want to stay being friends with you, because you were my best friend before all of this happened, and I don't want to lose anymore than I need to. I loved you. I still love you. And the worst part is that even though you broke my heart, you are still the nicest guy, and I could never hate you. And I wish you were here. This is going to take so much time.

why can't things always just begin, because they always end in tears

Gavin Hodges, thanks for making my birthday so very, very amazing. Right from the moment you picked me up, to the moment we said goodbye. I couldn't wait for yesterday simply because it was the day that we would hang out, just the two of us. Thanks for lunch, for the present, for the card, for the long walk. When we stopped at that bench, that was the best part of the day. I love it when you warm up your hands on my back, when you lean your head against mine so I can feel you blink, when you run your fingers through my hair, when you kiss me on the cheek and look me in the eyes. You are so cute, so .. amazing, and I'm so glad that we are in the place where we are. Like you said, I haven't even known you for a year, but I am so glad I know you now. I can't believe how great my life is with you in it. I can't believe how much I love you.

My siblings got me The Office, season four, for my birthday, so we watched that the entire time that we were at home. I love it so much! We went out for dinner, and ordered way too many dishes, and when we got home we had a blizzard cake! I ate way too much cake, but we still have so much left. Being seventeen feels no different from being sixteen. Even though so many things are changing, I still feel the same.

listening to: introduction - voxtrot

i cannot live without your voice

The week is over! It felt so dragged out. Math makes me want to fall asleep, social studies is pretty funny, chemistry is interesting, and I have a spare! Which I think is pretty darn awesome. Classes being an hour long rocks. I like running into Gavin on my way to math.

Tonight I have to work, and then it's the weekend. I am actually quite excited for tomorrow! It's getting pretty close.

Okay, I'm updating this right now. I worked for an hour before my assistant manager told me that the place was dead and that I could leave. Which I thought was pretty sweet, although I doubt I'll get paid. Oh well. My family is finally back to normal! I love it. Sometimes it feels kind of tense, but I guess that's how it used to be, and at least my parents are talking to each other, and sitting with each other again. Life is really good right now. But we're out of chocolate milk.

i die when i think about those things

Life is really weird lately. School is alright. Things going on in my family are messed up. My relationships with people feel a lot different now. But I can't say that I'm not happy.