all my friends would help me, and they are all amazing people

I feel so gross right now, my nose is stuffy and my throat hurts more than ever. But, I had a good day today. I hung out with my old friends, and it was pretty fun. Cecilia, Jacqui, and I went to American Apparel and that was the very first time I ever went there. I bought a sweater, but I think I'm going to exchange it for a polka dot one because the one I got was almost 70 bucks, and I kind of regret spending that much money on a sweater. I'll probably go back to AA on .. Monday (hint) or something anyways. Hopefully the sweater is still there, because there was only one small there. Or, hopefully they'll get more smalls in stock because while we were there, pretty much everything was large and extra large. After AA, we took the bus and then walked to Gravity, and I got a pair of sweet Vans for only fifteen dollars! They've got green abstract patterns on them, and they look awesome. We spent about half an hour at that store. Cecilia got a pair of Converse high tops with crossword on them, and we kept having to get the girl to bring us different pairs of shoes, I felt really bad about that.

While we were waiting for the bus to come, this weird guy with a bike standing a bit away from us yelled "squid fuck!" and Cecilia started laughing, and then he started yelling at us. "What the FUCK are you doing?! You don't know jack shit! Fuck!" All I can really remember about that now is that he yelled "fuck" a whole lot of times. I was afraid he was going to smoke us with his bike.

We went to Kensington to meet Maggie and Toni at her aunt's store that she works at, and it was really, really cold! After we went to The Rocket so Cecilia could get a custom t-shirt, and then we went to All the Rage and I got a sweet new pair of mittens that resemble Elmo. So cool! We then went to Sakana and met up with Jade there. Dinner was pretty decent, and we got there just in time for happy hour.

I got home, and played DDR with my sister. We couldn't beat this intense song where you could only get three "boos" or less. My sister managed to get only four, but that was the closest we got. We then quit and watched Bruce Almighty. Well, some of it.

listening to: cótes des neiges - stars

this is why I never hold a grudge against you, love

I sent a text to you last night asking if you were there, I was praying that you were because I want to know that you're OK. I couldn't sleep for a while, I just had my mind racing with things I wanted to say to you, things I wanted you to hear. I wanted to wake up and see a new text from you, I wanted your number to appear saying that you were OK, but where are you? Where were you? I just looked at my site statistics and your IP was there. Are you ignoring me? Are you mad at me? I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for being so negligent, that I'm not interesting, that I'm too analytical, that I can never say what I want to say at the right time. I'm sorry I'm not self confident, I'm sorry that I suck. I'm sorry I gave you that note, it was shitty. I'm sorry that I'm always looking behind me, that I can't let go of the past. But I miss it. I miss October, I miss our treks downtown and getting our eyebrows waxed, even though it hurt. I miss the bio trip, sleeping in the same bed as you that night might have been the best night of my life. I loved talking you to sleep, I loved how close we were that night and how I have never cared so much for anyone as I did for you back then. But that was back then, and suddenly everything changed. Why did it have to change? I guess it was inevitable. I know we should just keep going forward, but why can't we be close again? Why did we have to grow so apart? Why don't we ever talk on the phone anymore? Why is it that before I had 10 pages of conversation on Nexopia, and now it is down to one? Why didn't I think of you when I had to think of my favorite person? Why do I have to ask all these questions? You're probably annoyed of all of this, you're probably sick of being my friend. I'm sorry I'm such a bad friend. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

Please reply.

in the spirit of giving in

I'm still basking in the goodness that was yesterday. I have to admit, I've started thinking about you a lot more lately, and about how that one decision could have been a mistake. But, if I had known that we would end up like this, I wouldn't have spent those couple of months being dumb and awkward. For some reason, I kind of think we could try again. We're really good like this, though! Maybe I'm better being just friends with guys, and nothing more.

But anyways, about yesterday. After school we headed off to Megan's house to open presents and have lunch. The presents everyone gave out were so beautiful! All of the pictures are on my wall right now, I love them. We did interpretive dancing and chilled, and it was really fun. After I left Megan's house, I headed down to Art Central and I love that place so, so much. I fell in love with the toques in Looks Can Kill Boutique, so I raced all the way down to the ATB on Stephen's Avenue to get more money. I went back and tried on almost all of the hats. The designs are so, so amazing! I finally settled with buying a beautiful soft purple hat with a cute whale on it for my sister. Fifty five bucks well worth it. After that, I bought her a pocket mirror from Uppercase, and a key chain for my brother at Nation. I now have about two bucks on my debit card. Good thing I'm working tomorrow and on Boxing day.

Later that night, I went to the music dance party, which was actually really fun, considering very few people I hang out with went. I hung out with Andrea a lot. Kate serenaded me in front of everyone, it was so awesome! Buying her for the day for thirty bucks was absolutely worth it - right from when she actually talked in a Chinese accent for most of the day. And did pretty much everything I asked her to do. I danced a whole lot, and went pretty crazy. It was so funny making up our own dance moves. At one point, a song went on that I guess everyone knew the dance moves to, and Aidan and I did the robot. Apparently, we're robotic soul mates. I had so much fun with him.

I worked 9-5 today, and it was so busy. I like it a lot this way, when there's a constant stream of people buying things. I think I've gotten pretty good at being efficient. I get to work tomorrow too, because I guess they're desperate. Brian and Reagan begged me, it was funny. So, now I'm basically earning back all of the money I spent for Christmas in two days. Sweet.

it's christmas time in the city

It's getting so much closer to Christmas, and I am so excited! It was a decent day today. The lab in bio wasn't too bad, and during English we talked to no end even though Mr. McMillan got really agitated at us. During my spare I chilled with Lindsay for a while, she is a sweet kid. After that I worked on my English, and the power went out. The majority of students doing their social studies essay on the computer were devastated as their work was forever lost.

Because the power went out, I couldn't find Diana and the other people I was supposed to meet up with, so I ended up meeting them at the mall about an hour later. There were so many people from school there, it was pretty insane. After they left, I ran into my Asian friends, and hung out with them for a while.

After the mall, I met up with Amelia, Cailey, and Megan and we headed out by Cailey's house and did some outdoor skating. I haven't gone skating in a while, and I forgot how much I loved it. It was so much fun just standing out, the wind blowing and snow falling heavily from the sky. I definitely didn't feel bitter then.

she's the reason why i'm trying to make it alright

It feels like things have been going by really quickly, but nowadays I feel really happy with the place I've fit myself. I just feel so content, and I'm hoping that things stay still for a little while before everything changes again. Fuck school, though, it seems like I've stopped doing well even though I've started trying hard, which is extremely unfair. But, I guess I just have to let it go, like Cailey says, and just relax. I'm excited for tomorrow, and for things that will be coming up, and for school to be over and for me to relax.

I'm happy with my life, whether you're in it or not. I honestly don't care anymore, it seems like I never miss you anymore. If we're not meant to be friends, we're not meant to be, I've been talking to you less and less and between the two of us, it seems like it doesn't even matter. I'm happy with the people I've decided to prioritize, it's probably all for the fucking best anyways. It's funny how different things can look after time, it's like going for your regular eye checkup and discovering that you're almost blind.

ride my rusty bicycle into the lake

The past days have been really busy, so busy, in fact, that I haven't even had much time to do my Christmas presents. I've planned so many things in my head, but there seems like I won't have enough time to do any of it. We'll see how things go. If it doesn't turn out right, I owe you one.

I went out after school to go get Christmas presents, and I pretty much got everything I wanted for my friends. It was really fun, I ran into Angela, Tim, Sarah, and Lindsay, and that was exciting. On the way back to the c-train station, I ran into Elliot and ended up going to Manana and seeing Abbey and Rebecca, which was pretty sweet. I helped out with the debate at school, and it was pretty boring. I watched some Asian junior high girls get owned verbally, and two girls who apparently goes to Tom Baines recognized me because they knew my sister.

On Saturday I worked, and I worked through my break so I could leave early. It was so extremely busy, Christmas is definitely coming closer. I can't count how many times I had to grab gift boxes, print gift receipts, or explain our return/exchange policy after Christmas. After thing slowed down, I played with the ninja stars I made with Soon, which was pretty fun. After I went to Diana's house for her formal Christmas party, which was a lot of fun. Megan and Cailey helped me with makeup, and there was Guitar Hero even though I didn't get a chance to play it. We tried for a dance party, but that didn't last too long. After we tried to watch Transformers, but we had to stop because everyone was so loud. And then we tried for a dance party again. We took some pretty hilarious pictures with Dallen, and, no, I do not have any experience with that kind of stuff! I met a whole lot of new people who are really awesome; there were some pretty good conversations going on, and Douglas can sure dance!

Today I went over to Kim's house and we watched Disney movies, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin. It was so much more chill, I really liked it. It was a good way to wind down the weekend. Except I didn't really manage to study.

but it won't kill me lovin', babe

We took like 130 pictures today, and most of them are of Jessica (aka SEGA!), which is pretty funny. Hanging around the Rosza Centre was decent to begin with, but then after I just got so annoyed with everyone being loud. Having around 90 people standing backstage can drive you nuts. But anyways, band during school was pretty fun. The last people did their playing tests today, and I passed more notes. I passed one to Keith (aka Mr. Rogers!), wishing him a happy birthday (and we sang him "Happy Birthday" in different languages backstage!), and to Nick asking him about his whip, and I replied to Tamara (aka Big Mac), wrote to Leslie (aka Tater Tots), commented on Henry's (aka Monochromatic Man's) orange, drew a picture for Sheila, and to Natalie. When I was sending a note to Tamara, I put it on a stand and extended it, trying to reach Tamara. Then she tried to transfer it from her stand onto her flute. And then Mr. Paddock looked up. So we had to stop and drop and sit quietly. Until Haley was done her playing test. Mr. Paddock sent a note back to me, and it was awesome. Number one triangle! Yay!

We had dinner at Mac Hall, and that was pretty fun. We kept trying to get a creeper picture of Jessica, and she'd pose for everything. It was funny watching her pose as she ate her fries. We took mirror-ceiling pictures, jumping pictures, and lots of pictures in our white shirts. The performance was actually pretty good too, although I was really tired and just ready to go home.

I just had a conversation with my parents about the pressure they lay on us, and they told me that it was because they knew that we have that potential, and that we are smart enough to be in the 90s. I told them that their pressure makes me feel like I'm going to get killed in my house. And that I maybe wanted to be a specialist doctor. Maybe take kinesiology, study anatomy, and body movement.

you can't see that i'm the same as all the stupid people that you hate

I like being able to pass notes in band class. I like making nicknames, I wish people would make some for me. I like trying to not talk to Kaitlyn while studying and failing. I like drawing on my notes, I like how Christmas is really soon. I like how I'm focusing in school now, but not how I got a 76 on my quiz even though I studied really hard. I like laughing from the inside out. I like being enthusiastic, getting a pat on the head, watching The Importance of Being Earnest. I like getting hugs around the waist. I like American Apparel hoodies. I like taking pictures, and editing them. I like thinking of Christmas presents, but I have no idea how I'm going to get them all finished in time. I think I like myself right now.

i'm ready to tell you that you don't know what this is

Today my dad gave me the old cellphone that I used for two weeks before it broke down, because it was working again. Although it doesn't have a plan on it anymore. I went through my old text messages, and found that there was one that I had not seen before, on October 27th. It was simply this:

"<3!"

And yet it made me smile.

Tomorrow we'll be doing playing tests in band, and I've already hatched an elaborate plan that involves note passing and subtle signals.

belle won't you be my wife

I'm going to have Beauty and the Beast music stuck in my head for life. I had to write the essay today, and it is probably the worst thing I have ever written in my life. I liked my opening sentence, but that's about it. The four minute outline was alright, but still, it sucked. For my closing paragraph, I started it by quoting my friend. "Unrequited love is dumb". It is. In social studies we are going to do a debate. I'm partnered with Gavin, and I feel kind of bad because it means that Natlie has to be with Rita. And Rita isn't the greatest partner for public speaking. Bio class was especially brutal, since we had a unit test and I only studied today at lunch. I am really, really hoping that we get a hundred on the bonus project, because I'm really going to need it.

Beauty and the Beast was especially awesome tonight. Before the show, we had a relaxing exercise or something, and I found out that the show was sold out, so it meant that my sister would probably not be able to get in. So that and a whole lot of other stuff just hit me and I cried. I really don't know why I was so emotional, but when I went to the washroom I just burst out sobbing and it was really bad.

My sister managed to get in, though, and I saw her sitting in her seat and laughing, and at the end she said that she really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. I'm sad that it's all over, and that I won't have to play it anymore. I really loved our pit band, and our group hugs and bonding times, and our imprompt bursts of nonsense. Aidan and Lindsay went on for about half an hour about "Zorgan", and just hearing them spout out the most random things was absolutely ridiculous. The cast and everyone was just so amazing, it is one of the sweetest experiences ever.

course by course, one by one

Today definitely turned out better than expected, this morning I felt just so cranky about everything. I tried to sleep in bio, but that just made me even more cranky. Especially since I missed all of the bonus projects yesterday, so I didn't get to watch my video or sing to Chelsea's bio song! That just really sucks. Alyssa sent me the file, but of course it doesn't work on my computer. Dang. But yeah, anyways. During lunch I hung out with part of "the band", so Kate, Aidan, and Henry, and that kind of boosted up my mood when everyone started talking in Chinese accents. During spare I watched the Beauty and the Beast movie with musical theatre, and I feel kind of bad because I just left Kaitlin in the library. But I just didn't feel like doing any work what so ever today. So guess who's screwed for the essay and test she has to write tomorrow.

Band was even decent today, right at the end I got really hyper with my tambourine. We headed down to Mac Hall for dinner, and then since we actually weren't needed until around six, we all just hung out in our room and relaxed. Well, actually most of us just hung around while Aidan and Lindsay made the most random comments about zen. It was interesting.

The performance itself sounded really good tonight, the audience seemed pretty into it. We sounded pretty decent too, I didn't really screw up badly on anything! And my chicken throwing was pretty on the spot. Everyone laughed at the transformation, though, which kind of sucked because you weren't supposed to be focussed on the eyebrow taking off part, but that's cool. At the end, everyone kept asking me if the kiss was real. YES.

But anyways. I'm going to try to beg my way out of writing the essay tomorrow, it's going to be brutal if I do have to write it.

both a little scared, neither one prepared

Holy fucking shit, I am so stressed right now I can't even express it. I don't want to have a test on Wednesday, or write an essay, because with the time I've had I'm not going to be ready for either. And I really don't want to start slipping this week, but I have a performance every day but Friday and it's all just too much right now. I haven't got my music down pat for Beauty and the Beast, and I'm really tired and crabby right now, and it feels like there's so much I have no control of right now, time in particular. I really want to write a good essay on Wednesday, but I have absolutely no idea what to write about, or how to write it. I guess that'll have to happen during my spare. Hopefully I'll be able to get some ideas from people who have already written the essay. But the test, ah ... I better start making flash cards.

Other than that, today was stressful but it was pretty good. Hanging around with the rest of the band today was relaxing, just anything they do is pretty hilarious. Between the first and second act, we sat in the dark in our (AWESOME) room, trying to get some rest, but suddenly everyone just started laughing and nobody got any rest. We just did random things in the dark. "HARDER! HARDER!" Oh my. By the time we were finally done running through the entire thing, we were all pretty much exhausted. But you know that things are pretty awesome when you can get changed in the same room as your ex without it being awkward.

Tomorrow I will wake up at 6:30 and go to wind ensemble, try to work on my essay and hopefully be able to do it confidently, present my social studies project, hope that I get to watch my bonus project in bio, and then it's opening night. I'm sorry if I'm angry, it's just that I hate life. Just kidding.

you were made for love, well i'm just made

People left my house a while ago, but I'm still radiating happiness from how this evening went down. It was supposed to be a Wii party, but we ended up playing Wii for a very short period of time. People tried to guess who I was in the pictures, Diana was wrong for the most recent picture. They looked at my room and laughed at how I owned basically nothing in it. We ate my mom's macaroni and cheese, and all of the chips, and the popcorn, and the cake. We played charades, which was really fun, and talked about really awkward things. We just talked, and Facebooked, and I had a really good time. I wish I could people over at my house more often.

Oh, and I'm trying to say "th". I've never felt so self-conscious about it, but suddenly I notice every time I have to say it and how bad it sounds.

you're a ghost

So this is the official 100th post, so this will have to equate epic .. ness. Today was decent, I guess. On the way to school, 1 2 3 4 by Feist came on the radio, which was awesome because firstly it just might be my favorite song, and I never hear it on the radio. I've never heard any Feist on the radio at all. So anyways, I took that as a sign that today would be a good day. So during English, it was Aidan's and Hailey's project, and I know it's harsh, but it wasn't really that exciting. I was hoping for a game show because it pumps me up and makes me really excited, but they had a group discussion instead, which was unfortunate. Pam and Monica's project, though, had a game show and for every right answer you got a brownie! Ultimately awesome. Plus, their setup was amazing, and Pam let us have the silhouettes for our project, because the images Jocelyne got for us were hilariously terrible. But anyways. After I won two brownies, everyone said that I shouldn't be allowed anymore, which I think was unfair because why should I get punished for being knowledgeable? After that, we got to work on our projects, and we went through ours and decided it was pretty good. The student teacher yelled at me a whole bunch of times because I was talking and high fiving. Since when was that a bad thing? I just like being loud because it invokes my emotions. Bio and social studies really brought me down, just the learning process. I really didn't get what was happening, nothing really clicked for me. I'm glad you care, and that you actually noticed because I barely noticed myself. You're a really nice guy, I'm glad we met and that we're friends, and that nothing will be changing because right now everything is perfect as is. I really hope everything stays the same, because I have this problem where I let people close to me just slip away for no reason. I guess it's kind of like my music. For a long period of time, I will be in love with a band or a song, and then one day I'll just wake up and it'll sound exactly the same, but my brain won't appreciate it anymore. I'm really sorry that I'm just pushing things aside for certain people, and that I don't have my priorities straight. I wish that I didn't stack people up and that there was enough time in a day to spend an equal amount of time with everybody. I wish there was a day where everybody did nothing so if you called somebody and said, "hey, are you busy today?" they'd say, "heinz no, you want to hang out?" and it would be perfect. I've been trying really hard to create lyrics the past days, I can't believe how hard it is to make my words not sound like shit. Right now everything I think of sounds cheesy and over processed. Yesterday I wrote something, and by the time I had submitted it, I had edited it so many times some parts didn't really make sense, but I kind of liked it and I hope other people like it too. I wish my mind could see everything like that, like if I was wearing 3D glasses. I could see every single layer of the simplest object and see just how it connects to your mind. I wish I could write the simplest things that could just break your heart, I always loved things done simply. I have to think of a secret to post for the Iconographer's Postsecret, but the thing is that I have so many secrets. But none of them are interesting, or I'm too scared to say them. The thing I'm most afraid of is that I'll end up posting something really dishonest. But anyways. I want to write something like Final Fantasy or Chad VanGaalen, their lyrics are absolutely amazing. I looked them up all during work on Saturday to try to get some inspiration, but it didn't work. I want to write something about morse code, or falling stars, or black ink. Something insignificant that you have to look further into, but I'm not good enough for that. Wait! Stop! Stop thinking like that. Actually, I think my self deprecating has decreased by a lot, or maybe I've just stopped showing it outwardly as much, because sometimes when I can't fall asleep at night I count all of my flaws, multiply them and divide them by all the mistakes I've made.

listening to: set yourself on fire - stars

i bet you look good on the dance floor

Today was extremely great, well maybe not the school part but the after school part. I went to Gavin's house, and it was really nice. I learned some stuff about him from someone else which probably should have changed my mind about things, but unfortunately it didn't and still I feel like an idiot. But anyways. Drumming was fun, I haven't done it in such a long time. It sounded good to play with an actual band. They were pretty good! A lot better than I expected.

Gavin drove me to the theatre, and it was the first time I ever let a friend drive me somewhere. I was so paranoid I was going to die, no joke. Also, tonight was the first time in a guy's room, I am not lying. His house is nice. But anyways. I met with Leslie, Diana, Hailey, Jocelyne, and Cailey and everything worked out perfectly. During the movie, a old man behind us shushed Cailey and I and that was really funny. What are you doing watching Enchanted, old man? Just kidding.

Enchanted was actually a good movie, even though it was a kid movie. It was so funny, it made me laugh a lot. Actually, it made all of us laugh a lot. At one part, Jocelyne and Hailey burst out in the loudest laughter ever, and they were pretty much the only ones laughing. And then at another part, Hailey screamed even though it wasn't scary. How classic. After the movie we went to Starbucks, and we talked. Cailey and I were the last ones to get picked up, and we had a good talk. Tonight was just such a friendly night.

I'm excited for everything coming up. Peasant clothing on Sunday! Clothes swapping party that night! Wii party! Game night! Disney movie night! Christmas movie night! God I love it so much, I can't wait and I really hope all of this actually happens.

the trees are so quiet

This is post number one hundred, it took me six months but here it is *EDIT, NOT ACTUALLY MY 100th, BLOGGER DECEIVED ME*. I'm going to try to make this as substantial as possible, and try to make this worth your time. Because apparently people from Massachusetts and Spain and India are randomly stumbling across this, and commenting on the correct grammar of my blog name! Exciting. Lately I've been having a lapse of creativity. Maybe I just don't know how to make words sound nice anymore. I've been trying to think so something to submit, but nothing has sparked. I even began recording my dreams, so I could remember them, but they haven't been very interesting. So far I've been to the movies but haven't watched one, lived in a hotel, talked to two people I just met this year, and watched a game of basketball being played in a basement by six year olds. There has definitely been nothing there to write about. Last night I spent three hours finishing my social studies, and I thought that was pretty brutal. Especially since all I had to do was write out a letter being written by a Canadian soldier during world war i, and I already had it typed out on the computer. But no, I had to stain the paper, write it out in handwriting, and then outline it. Boo for me. Hopefully it scores us a hundred, or else I'm thinking that Catrin might murder me. I'm not sure if I want to use paragraphs in this post. Paragraphs always break thoughts, but I just want to have all of my thoughts connected together by bits of yarn. Colourful yarn, with red and blue and green and purple and any other colour out there. Today in bio we did yet another lab, and now I just remembered that I have a quiz tomorrow. But anyways, during the lab our specimen died. And then when we tried to redo the lab, the next one died. It was depressing. But then I got to learn a little more about some of my peers. Like that Kim swims 8 times a week, in the morning and after school! Now that's intense. I like Kim. She's very quiet, but she's good company. Tomorrow I might be playing drums for my friend, and I think some of my other friends are going to crash it, except I'm not even sure if I can go because after I told my mom she got cranky. My family bewilders me sometimes. But anyways. My friend is going to invite my friend's girlfriend to come too, which sucks because I still like him and I have to admit, it hurts to see them together. I should definitely try to stop liking him, but it's hard. I wish there was a power button where you can just shut down certain parts of your emotions. Like a robot. In grade eight, these two guys in my class kept saying that they thought I was a robot because I was "so smart". And they had a whole bunch of other reasons why they came to that conclusion. It was pretty weird. I didn't like grade eight that much. My power cord sucks, so the power stops reaching the battery constantly, causing the screen to flicker. It also doesn't help that my mom unplugged the cord when my computer was on, for some reason, during the day, so the computer died, and so a pop up message keeps telling me that I should connect to a power outlet. I was supposed to get a new phone today, I'm not sure if my dad managed to do it or not but I really doubt it. Now I will have to wait another month to get the phone. I am so tired of waiting. I hate waiting for anything. If things were shorter, there would be less of a chance for something to go wrong. Kind of like what the student teacher in English said, that for short answers the less you write the more chance it would be 100% right, and then as you keep going on, you start getting off topic and eventually you have a wrong answer. That happened to me for one question on the test, but then she let me have the point. Maybe it's because I argued, because I definitely don't think she likes me. I talk too much during English class. Good thing we have band class instead of English tomorrow. Today's band class went by pretty fast, probably because I spent any time I wasn't playing copying down cues and cuts for Beauty and the Beast from Aidan's book. I didn't manage to eat my lunch until the end of band class, which was basically near the end of school. And Hailey ate almost all of the banana bread my mom made for me, with chocolate chips, and that made me so angry because I don't understand why someone would be such a jerk. Even if she is my friend. My sister makes me irritated too, like if you didn't know the person who was picking up your sister, why would you ask your sister for a ride? WHY? I'm so busy all of the time. I should be doing my biology lab right now, but I figure I'll do it during my spare tomorrow. I am going to be so screwed next semester without a spare, seriously. I'll be like, "oh I've got time tomorrow, WHAT, I have math this period?" And then I'll fail grade 11 and then I will never make it to university and become the doctor I know my mom wants me to be. But anyways. I'm free next Tuesday, by the way, if anyone misses me. Which I doubt.

Anyways, 98th post. Who actually reads these?

listening to: that's when the audience died (live) - final fantasy

living rent free is boring me

I didn't make the junior team, all because of timing. That hurt a lot, but I guess what's mean to be is meant to be. What sucks though, is that some of the girls weren't even that good, and I could have totally made it, but because she didn't have enough time to see how I played I didn't make it. It really sucks, but at least I have more time for other things. I can be relieved, but so disappointed. My self esteem has just been crushed twice in a row.

But anyways, other than that, today was decent. During English, Tamara and I counted how many times the word "like" was used. Like, 130 times. It was amusing, and it definitely passed the time. During biology, we had a sub who told us that after we finished our lab, we could leave, so everyone tried to finish as fast as possible. Too bad I had band after school. But it was fun hanging around with Kim and Alyssa. And band was fun, I don't know why. I got a sizzle, and it was one of nicest anonymous messages I have ever received.

Some things are falling apart.

all i ask for is a warm body to keep this winter from killing me

Oh snap, I didn't make the team, but that's alright. I mean, it still sucks, but I guess I was kind of expecting it. The thing is, they kept twelve people, and I think (and some other people, I guess) I would have been number thirteen. But oh well. I'm going to try out for the junior team, so if you're my friend, you should come to games. Show support! The good things that would come with being on the junior team would have to be the lack of morning practices. And the lack of practices at a different school. However, I'm still worrying about balancing my time. Why do I succumb to peer pressure?

Speaking of peer pressure, we made Tamara get Facebook, or at least get it as soon as possible. "Even Grace has it! Even Aidan has it! ... Even MR. PADDOCK has it!" It was fun. Band today was pretty fun, even though Mr. Elephant Man seemed extremely frustrated with us. It probably has to do with the fact that we really sounded bad. So bad. But we sat in the circle of safety, and so I sat beside Cailey and Henry today, and we had a lot of fun fooling around with the triangle, and with the triangle beaters, and laughing at things that made Mr. Elephant Man even more angry. Oh man. Band is good when it's like this. I was really expecting wind ensemble to be really fun today, and I guess it kind of was watching Dallan play the drums, and him and Sam trying to play one person per drum stick. I didn't get to play at all, though. I think that my social studies essay went pretty well. I am really, really, really hoping I did well.

I can't believe it's only Tuesday, it feels like it should be the weekend soon.

broken hearts last for a million years

Today was busy, but I don't know if it was exciting. Basketball tryouts started today, and I don't think I did extremely well. I spend too much time comparing myself to other people, I spend too much time worrying. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will prove that I am capable of not sucking. But I'm not even that sure if I want to play basketball anymore. After all, it will take up so much time that I barely have. Basketball in the morning, basketball in the evening. It's hectic. Also, I don't think that one of the coaches likes me very much. She always has something to say about what I'm doing. Maybe I'm just doing everything wrong.

After school I put up posters for The Iconographer, all by myself. It felt kind of weird, as if I was putting up a bit of myself, giving a part of my soul away. Even though they were photocopied. The repetitive motion of putting up tape, and then slapping on the papers onto the walls nearly drove me insane.

they can see us waving from such great heights

The gaps between my posts have gotten longer and longer, I'm sorry about that. I've just been busy, or I don't know what I want to write in here. Lately I've been having a creativity back flow, kind of. I've been drawing more than I have been writing. And right now I should be studying for the social studies test I am about to have tomorrow, but then I got distracted. Actually, I told myself that at 1:00 I'd start studying. And then it turned to 2:00. And then 5:00. And then it was after I finished dinner. So far I've written down five bullets of notes. Success.

Even right now I don't know what to say. My days have become too detailed to describe. Yesterday I worked, and I bought myself a new backpack that cost me nothing, because I used the money I got from Golf Town by exchanging balls I won from a tournament in the summer for a gift card. I barely worked at the till, I tried apparel. It's extremely monotonous, but I guess it wasn't bad being able to walk around and talk to some of the guys. Also, I taught Adam some Chinese, and he actually picked it up pretty easily. Then he forgot it all.

Friday was a good day, I went to Heather's house and we watched Bambi. That movie is crazy! What kind of kid would want to watch a movie with animals getting shot and forest fires endangering the wildlife? But it was nice. "You can call me Flower, I don't mind". After that I spent over an hour getting home. I got to walk home in the dark.

listening to: more adventurous - rilo kiley

my loneliness is killing me

The show was really good, that's all I have to say for today. Which is kind of a shame, since I wrote so much yesterday. Maybe today's just not a writing day, maybe today's a sit-back-and-relax-and-just-observe-everything-around-you kind of day. I felt like it was that kind of day. I had a good spare with someone I don't normally hang out with, and it was really nice. She's really nice. It's like a new sense of scenery. Or maybe like living in a new city. Or, at least vacationing at one. I get to tell the same stories I've told, it's good because I've started to run out of new ones.

But anyways. It's late and I'm tired.

calling from the next hotel, can you put me on the list

I always think of a sentence that is brilliant and powerful that express my thoughts perfectly, but then I ruin it with every single other word I put down. I wish I could remember my dreams, I should start writing them down. I should have a notepad right beside my bed, so whenever I get jolted awake I can scribble down anything, I wonder if anything would make sense? What if you could have a machine that could write down everything you were thinking about when you were sleeping? Everything I think about always seems perfect when it first pops into my head, and then I have to over analyze everything and refine it until there's nothing but scraps. I want to remember that I had a dream. I can never remember anything, too many other things cloud my mind. Sometimes I try to say whatever I think, but then something stops me from thinking, or I think about the thoughts before I write them down and I realize how stupid they are. I wonder how thoughts just spontaneously show up, how do I think about these things before I write them? What stimulates them? Why do I write this this this this this over again, why did I want to? Should I delete this part? I don't feel like it. Every thing's a question right now. Why is that? How is that? I want to write notes, I think I'm going to write some that need no replying, there is too much pressure to writing notes now. Maybe I put too much pressure on people. Take all the time you need. I could wait forever. I miss a lot of people. I wish I didn't try so hard, do I seem like I try too hard all the time? I think that it's too hard to stay connected with everybody. It's like you're attached to a whole bunch a strings, and when you have too many that are all over the place, they make it so you can't even move at all. Maybe sometimes you just have to cut some strings for a second to retie some other strings, and then you can attach yourself back to the other string. What if every thing is connected by invisible strings? Like spider webs. What if God is a spider? Is there a God? I never know anymore, I don't even think about it anymore. I don't think I ever believed in God, there are too many things to doubt. I'm a bad Christian. But if I don't believe in God, am I a Christian? Or am I a Catholic? I could never remember. But anyways. It always feels like I have to many commitments, too many promises to so many people to do things that aren't even said. I feel so guilty for not hanging out with the people I hung out with last year, they were so nice and they were there when I didn't have anybody. Maybe I should hang out with them sometime soon. But then I always feel like I have to hang out with my other friends. Maybe one day I should just eat alone. But I hate being lonely. Is it lonely if you decide to be alone? Sometimes I like being alone. I don't like being alone because I had to be. There's just been too much experience with that topic. I miss Heather. And I miss Abbey. I miss being the way I used to be, sometimes I just feel like the biggest jerk. Like when I sprayed Alyssa with the eyedroppers the other day, I'm sorry for that, I don't know I do stuff before I think and after I just feel like the biggest asshole ever. Am I an asshole? Nobody replies to my posts anymore. Are you reading this? If you are reading this I miss you so much, you can't even imagine. Sometimes I rack my brain thinking about all the things we used to do, and what changed. Why don't we spend class time talking? Have I changed? Do I change without even noticing? That was a problem before. Have you changed? I can't even tell. Do you know if the "you" is supposed to be you? Do I know? Did we run out of things to say to each other? Because if we have, I want to cry. I thought that we'd never, ever run out of things to say. That it was like a waterfall, and that things would just always keep coming. Maybe the spring at the top was always refilled with my tears? I've stopped feeling sad, that gets less and less lately. Maybe the spring is drying up, and that's why there's nothing flowing lately. Why is it easier to talk when something is wrong? Why is it boring to be happy? Over the span of the weekend I tried to tell someone the one thing that was troubling me, but I couldn't. I don't even know why. The words would be there, but then something wouldn't let me say it. My right hand is falling asleep right now, it's getting hard to type. I still like him, why is he still so nice to me? Why does it still seem like he has feelings for me? It's not fair. I should just be able to stop, so then I can stop thinking about him non stop, and so I can stop thinking all these terrible thoughts that have to do with breaking up, because it's not his fault, it's not her fault, it's my fault for getting to know him I guess. Maybe I'm just delusional and thinking that something is there when really there is nothing at all. I hate sounding like a clingy, emotional girl. I never liked it. I remember when I used to hate talking about how I felt, how everything had to be bottled up. I wish you were here so I could tell you everything I needed to, it seems like we never have the time or privacy to do so. The last time when we got overheard was a bit awkward. Maybe I did want her to hear, I don't know? I want to stop being busy, I want to start having time so you and I could use it. This Friday I'm free. That's the only day, please be free that day, please, either of you. Let's do some catching up, I don't like falling behind.

listening to: that's when the audience died - final fantasy

learning to laugh and not ask why

There isn't enough time in a day,

everyone should set their clocks an hour back daily.

Then you could write a letter to a dead friend.

Or jump on a trampoline.

Or tell someone how much you love them

with that extra time.

The average life span would be shorter, but at least we could say we lived.

losing your mind for the sake of your heart

Those words might have been the sweetest things ever said to me, too bad they were so heart breaking. Tomorrow I'm leaving and I am excited, overnight trips are absolutely the best kind of trips, especially since Leslie is coming too. I really like Leslie! I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait. Maybe it'll give me some time to think things over.

that's what she said, that's what she said

Everything has just gotten harder and harder as time goes by, nothing is going the way I expected them to go. I've been studying ever since I got home. I am just so tired of reading, and writing, and trying to learn. I'm getting tired of trying to please people, and trying to live up to expectations. I hate how I can't live up to anyone's expectations anymore. I used to be so good at this. I used to be able to concentrate, I used to know all of the answers. It feels like I don't know anything anymore, and that I'm just copying off of everyone else. I am tired.

You and I have to hang out some day soon. You know I love the sound of your voice. I miss talking to you, it feels like forever even though we see each other every single day. Our conversations don't feel like enough. It feels like nothing is going right, and that even though we're talking, we haven't talked. We must find a day! We must someday do a scavenger hunt in a mall. Or, just sit in a cramped corner and confess every single thing that is troubling us. A lot of things are troubling me these days. A lot of things are disappointing me.

watching you turn from me towards your friends

WHY AM I LIKE THIS RIGHT NOW? It's nothing. I feel like an idiot. It's nothing ...
Fuck feelings.

when we started, both broken hearted

Whenever I go to the washroom, I read everything girls wrote on the walls. I always wonder what compels them to write on the wall, and how they decide what to write. It reminds me of the silent debates we do in social studies, because then other girls add arrows to things written and add their own comments. Do the writers come back and check to see what's been written?

I would probably write,
"My heart pounds loud, but my brain thinks louder."

illuminate the 'no's on their vacancy signs

Oh dang, I haven't been updating this blog as much as I usually do. Either yesterday or the day before, I had something really witty or observational to say, but I forgot it.

And now I'm not so witty.

It was a long day at school today. Thursdays are so long now because of Wind Ensemble and Beauty and the Beast. It's actually scary about much music is engulfing my life right now. I'm still considering doing set drums for someone, I don't know. I don't know if it's sincerely because I want to, or if it's because of other obvious reasons. If it's for the latter, then I just shouldn't do it because that's stupid and so typically what a girl would do. And I don't like to stereotype. Wow, that did not make sense.

It was Henry's birthday yesterday, so today I sang Happy Birthday to him today, standing on a chair, in Chinese. Sometimes I wonder why I am so ridiculous, and if I am obnoxious, and if I'm just like everyone I dislike but I just can't see it.

i don't mind sleeping on your floor

"Things are better spontaneous", that was the text message I got. Friday I had plans but didn't really have plans. I went with Cailey, Megan, and Tess to North Hill to go look for stuff for their RHPS costumes. We bought chocolate at Shoppers', bought Girl Guide cookies from a cute girl you just couldn't say no to.

After that, Cailey and I left to go other places. I went to the Folk Fest headquarters, a trek that took half an hour, and when I got there, that white sign made my heart drop, and made me turn around and head back. I met Carly at the train station! I hadn't seen Carly in the longest time, it was really nice. We had a good six minute conversation before Heather arrived.

I met my sister's friend at CJSW, apparently my sister is liked. That's surprising. I'm kidding. We got earplugs and pins, even Heather, who pledged NOTHING. After that, we hung around the cafeteria. And this is things just sprang up. I wasn't supposed to go a show that night. I wasn't supposed to stay out at 11. Friday nights are the ones I spend doing homework .. at home! But that was what happened. That show was pretty much the most intimate concert I've ever been to (although I haven't gone to many concerts). The Winks were amazing! I regret not buying anything from them, but really, I had no money. I'm really sad I didn't get to see The Grim Beat.

Saturday morning I played basketball at the school, which was fun. I didn't suck, which is a good thing, even though I've got to build up my endurance. It was fun playing against Brooke and Aneca, they are so tall. It felt good faking out people. Right after basketball, I went to work, and made ninja stars. Adam and Ed are such fun guys. At the end of the night, Ed tried on a compression shirt, which was just hilarious.

After work, my family went out for Japanese food for my sister's birthday. I didn't realize that I liked sushi, but it was good. The beef teriyaki was the best, though. After that, we went to see Dan in Real Life, which was a good enough movie. Some people from Abe sat beside my sister and I, which was pretty weird, because it was that kind of thing where you know who they are, but they don't really know you. But anyways.

Sunday, which was yesterday, I went to Scream Fest with Megan and Mikki, which was really fun and unexpected, seeing as we made plans an hour before we met up. It was fun watching Megan and Mikki get scared, and laughing at them. Some things were really scary, though. Like the Black Hole. That guy freaked me out, seriously! In the festival tent, I found five dollars on the ground, and Megan basically took it from me. It was a really good weekend.

Today, I got yelled at for talking twice. I got told, "We approve of you" at lunch. I tried on my Halloween costume and it is epic.

"If I die, it's all your fault."

listening to: the park - feist

my moon and me, not as good as we've been

I like the little touches between us, and the small bits of conversation we have. The glances across the room and the smiles. I don't know if you like me or not ("in that way"), but man for some reason I can't stop thinking about you. This is weird. Feelings don't usually come this fast for me, but suddenly that's how it is, and I want your company and I want your messages. I hope I don't seem this obvious.

i'll give you something to be sad about

I'm going to take a break from life, and start focusing on school.
My 80% in bio is not good enough for my mom.

1 2 3 4 tell me that you love me more

Even though the singing was fun, looking at bugs under the microscope was awesome, playing soccer was nice, making random stories was hilarious, stargazing was breathtaking, the ninja fights were EPIC, being out with the trees was relaxing, the "other stuff" (you know what I mean) was awkward, the milk chugging was interesting, and just hanging out with everybody was great,

nothing, NOTHING compared to lying beside you and talking you to sleep. Talking for two hours straight about everything that needed to be said. I am so, so glad that this trip happened. Last night made my life.

what is love, baby don't hurt me

Choir camp recap! In case it turns out sounding bland, and you can't tell whether I had a good time or not, I did! It was such an awesome time. It might have beat band camp!

When we got to our room the first night, I found out that I could swing on the door by stepping on the door knob, and that just basically started the Asian stereotypes. As if they weren't doing that already. By the way, all those comments were so hilarious. We discovered a newfound love for tetherball, and spent so, so much time playing! I got owned, even though I had my karate war cries and karate chops. We had our huge group activity, and that was ok. When our group was playing Red Rover, one of the girls ate the pavement and that ended every other group's chance of playing. But it was so funny.

That night we all sat on Bronwyn and Sheila's beds, and talked for a couple hours. Basically nobody had a good night's sleep that night. I was having a dream about finding toonies and keeping them away from Jocelyne, Leslie, Cailey, and somebody else, and walls being renovated, and right when I thought that the floor was about to fall below me, Jocelyne pulled my sleeping bag (she denies this) trying to get down from her bunk bed. Waking up at 6:45 was harsh.

During activities we first went through the bungee cage. Cailey got through in 11 seconds, and I think that's a record. I only managed 17 seconds. After that, we played dodgeball, and our team won twice before losing, and we went off to play ultimate frisbee. I hit Jocelyne in the lip with the frisbee, and caused her lip to swell, but after that we told everyone that I hit her with a nun chuck. We were winning, too. After that we played tether ball, which was ridiculously fun. Cailey lost to Mrs. Digel, and I won to Mr. Paddock. Man, I wish those were recorded!

We played soccer after, and surprisingly I didn't do too bad in goal. The grass was really slippery and I ended up slipping a lot. I think that's why my bum muscles are so sore. Our team got owned. The clinic was really, really long. I'm pretty sure after lunch we played more tether ball. I almost fell asleep during full rehearsal, even though the guest conductor was interesting. During our quiet time, instead of sleeping, I played ultimate frisbee with Cailey, Megan, Mikki, Cole, and Gavin, and it was so much fun. Playing "Piggy in the Middle" with Megan in the middle for the majority of the time was even more fun. Especially when she wasn't in the middle, and we'd throw it to her just so she wouldn't catch it and she'd have to go back in the middle. My hands are bruised from blocking frisbees and hitting tether balls.

During dinner my whole table laid on the Asian stereotypes. "Is the fact that you don't have peripheral vision the reason why your country doesn't have a hockey team?" We laughed so hard. After dinner was more tetherball (!!) with Gavin, Elliot, and Bronwyn. I lost every time. I climbed a tree and when I was going back down, and I made it to the ground before falling down. I tried to throw the frisbee between two trees and ended up hitting the biggest one. We did karaoke for our activity that night, and everyone sang along to I Will Survive, Mambo No. 5, along others. The machine stopped working when it was my group's turn, it was depressing. We ended up having a dance party, and what a sweaty, awesome dance party that was. We all sang to Queen.

When we went back to our cabin, Gavin and Cole came by to pop some popcorn. I tried to ninja kick the microwave door button, but my leg wasn't long enough so I ended up wiping out. The popcorn didn't pop enough, and so they put it in a second time. Megan walked from the bathroom to our room with just a towel on, and Gavin got busted for taking a look. I tried ninja kicking the microwave door button again, this time by launching myself on the counter and then kicking. I hit the button, but it didn't click enough so I wiped out again. I got angry at the microwave so I punched the button until the door opened. It ripped some skin off of my pinky knuckle.

I slept between Hayley and Bronwyn that night, and we talked again until only 12:30. We kept almost going to sleep, and then someone would say something and Bronwyn would break out into her super cool laugh, and that would get us fired up again. I don't feel like I actually got much sleep last night. When I was about to fall asleep, I started to dream that I was playing ultimate frisbee, and when I was trying to catch the frisbee, my arm totally snapped back and hit Bronwyn. She was sleeping, though. At first I was fine, and on Bronwyn's bed, but eventually Bronwyn started inching towards me, and I ended up on the wooden part between the two beds. And then Hayley got really close too. I think I was waiting for 7:15 to come just so I could get up for a reason.

We packed, and then Cailey and I played tetherball (!!!). I lost five rounds in a row. After that, we joined everyone else, and eventually our conversation led to the junior highs we attended, to how I went to Langevin (and nobody knows where that is), to how everyone in my class was Asian (I think I said something along the lines of "if you were WHITE, you were made fun of!"), which eventually led to Asian tourists and how they always make the peace sign when they take pictures. And after that, basically every picture we took we did the "ASIAN POSE!" Except Leslie, who didn't approve. Fifteen different people did the Asian pose in my pictures. Even Mr. Waters.

On the bus ride home, there were a bunch of us who "didn't want to sing, we want to sleep!" But we all got the back, and we ALL sang any song we knew the words to. We were very, very loud. Camp Chestemere, however, isn't that far out from Calgary, so we didn't sing for as long as Jocelyne, Bronwyn, and Sheila did the ride home from band camp.

Man I loved choir camp!

i saw this young lady all wrapped in white linen

If you recorded every thought you ever had,
took a picture of every sight, recorded every sound,
would you go over them at the end of the day?
Somebody should invent a machine
that could capture every thought the instant you thought it.
I would buy it.

abbey,

Currently, I should be starting on a powerpoint presentation for social studies, or studying for the unit test I will be having in biology, but I am deciding that I will combine the two things you read by me into one. Rest assured, this will not replace a note, because there are some things I'd rather say privately, but currently this feels like the only way to write this entry.

Right now I am listening to your CD. I am on the first song. "What's A Girl To Do," that's the title, right? I like it. I wish someday we can just sit down and have a long talk, I miss times like those. The other day, on the way home from band camp, I had a really good talk with one of my friends, and I learned so much about her! It was amazing. I had a BALLIN' time at band camp! It was much better than last year, when I knew nobody and spent the nights doing homework. No, this time we danced and talked, and sung until our voices were hoarse. And we did band rehearsals.

I dream about talking to people. You have popped up in my dreams once in a while. Other times, I'm just going through my day. When I was at band camp, one night when at 2 in the morning, we were talking and I was almost drifting into a sleep when suddenly I heard all this drumming in my head. Like, tribal music! It was so trippy. I got freaked out and I woke up.

Those Nexopia internet surveys irritate me SO much! I hate it when people have like a zillion of those things posted in their blogs. Like, they don't have any substantial to actually say? Those things are so superficial. I refuse to do them. I've only ever posted one of those, it was a "how dumb are you?" quiz, and I was only 6% dumb. But that was when I was in grade nine, and I have never posted another survey thing EVER after that.

I enjoyed the New Pornographers so, so much, it was amazing. My sisters and I got front row spots right in front of Dan Bejar. He's my older sister's favorite. Mine's Neko Case. I didn't think that any cameras would be allowed, because there were guys checking bags at the front. But I saw a lot of flashes, so I guess some people managed to get their cameras in.

Both of my sisters liked it, both of them were there. Did you not see them when we passed by to go home? Yes, my younger sister is so, so tall. We went to the doctor's today and she is in the 80th percentile regarding her height. I'm just below 50. I think her pants make her look taller too, for some reason. She just got them in Seattle, and they are skinny jeans, and for some reason she just looks so overwhelmingly tall in them. By the way, for some reason both of my sisters know you, and every time I talk about a friend, they always assume it's you. I go like, "so my friend ..." and then they're like "oh, is it that Abbey girl?" Yes, they call you that Abbey girl. Is that weird?

How soon is soon? Getting a tattoo sounds exciting, I wish I was brave enough to get one. Did I ever tell you that once I had a dream that I was getting a tattoo so some friends of mine (I don't even know who they were) could get change for french fries? I've never felt so shaky in my sleep! My back kept seizing up in my sleep, I don't know if it was actually doing that for real. I was getting the tattoo on the back of my neck. It was going to be an eighth note, because of a 6Teen episode I watched where one of the characters was really into music and was getting a tattoo for some reason, so he got an eighth note on his arm. Anyways.

I am on track five of the first CD right now. I can't believe you burnt two CDs! And that the first one has 20 tracks on it! That's unbelievable! Thank you so much for them. As of now, I have had three CDs burnt for me. Not including the one my cousin burnt for me when I was really young. It had the Backstreet Boys and O-Town on it. I really love burning CDs for people, even though it always takes me a long time to decide the track listing. I go through pretty much all of my songs on my iPod. Some songs I know immediately that I'm going to put it on a CD, no matter what, but some of them I take a double take and go, "hey, I think that would be so amazing for (the person receiving the CD)." You know what is awesome? Mix tapes. Tapes were so awesome. When my cousins and my siblings and I used to go skiing together, we'd bring our mix tapes and play them on the way there and back, and sing to them. I loved those ski trips. I remember listening to LFO. Have you ever heard the song "Girl on TV"?

I will answer the questions right now, you will get your questions (and some more writing) tomorrow:
1. Do you do drugs?
No, I do not do drugs. I used to take antihistamines when I was ten, because I used to have eczema and it would keep me up at night. They didn't work. I tried a lot of stuff to get rid of my eczema. I used to have to drink this powdered vitamin shit in water that was the GROSSEST STUFF EVER!!! God I hated it so much, and I had to drink a cup of it every single day for a whole summer.
2. What kind of shampoo do you use?
I use Pantene Pro-V, the conditioner makes my hair feel really, really smooth after I wash it! But really, I use whatever is on sale, because that's the only reason why my mom would buy it. I have such an Asian family, seriously.
3. What are you most scared of?
I'm not really sure. I have this weird fear of feet, but I don't think it's what I'm most scared of. But I HATE FEET! They creep me out, I don't know why, I don't like looking at them or touching them or anything. My siblings make fun of me for it and they always terrorize me with their feet. I hate it. I don't know. I guess I am kind of scared of dying. Not of death, but just how I die. What I'm sliced open, and that's the way I die? That's scary! Although it also sounds very cool.
4. What are you listening to right now?
Hey Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken! Track 8! I love this song. I haven't listened to Camera Obscura in awhile, although it's on my iPod. They are such an amazing band, I love their lyrics. I guess I would have to thank Heather for getting me into them.
5. Who was the last person that called you?
Heather was the last person I talked to, and I'm sorry if it was a terrible conversation, because I was really tired! Heather is the only person who ever calls me, it's a bit devastating. Just kidding. I'm not very good on the phone, talking in person is so much better. I'm getting a new cell phone in the next few weeks and I will be getting UNLIMITED EVENINGS AND WEEKENDS! Which is so much better than my old plan! Which means that I am going to have to totally take advantage of this situation! I don't know what kind of phone I want to get. I kind of want a Chocolate, but my friend said that they weren't very good. But, the white one looks so good! Looks vs Productivity, I don't know. It's a hard decision.
6. Where do you want to get married?
Why would you plan your wedding right now? That is ridiculous. What if you planned an underwater wedding when you're sixteen, and then when you are getting married, years later, it turns out that your fiance is afraid of water? Or, even worse, ALLERGIC to water? Then your dreams are shattered. And plus, who says I'll ever get married? The question should be, "Where WOULD you want to get married?" And I don't know. I don't think about these things. I'll tell you one thing, though: I wouldn't want a huge wedding. I've seen Bridezilla, and Rich Pride Poor Bride, and those weddings are ridiculous. Why would you spend so much money on something like that? Maybe eloping is a good option.
7. What would you change about yourself?
I don't know what I'd change. Maybe I'd make myself not exist. It would make so many people happier. Like, my parents. And my siblings. There would be so much more money for my family.
8. What are essentials in your life?
I'd have to say my friends, I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. This morning almost drove me nuts because I missed English, which is when I see all of my band friends. Instead, I had to go to the stupid doctor's! And my friends are the only reason why I like school. So, if I didn't have my friends, I would be a very, very sad person. Also, very lonely.
9. If you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be?
I would have to say that I'd want the power to go to any concert I wanted to. That would be so amazing! I'd want to see Final Fantasy this week, and Chad VanGaalen and Stars in November, and Kevin Drew in December. I'd also want to see Feist, because she is my ultimate favorite artist ever, and Darren Frank in Edmonton, and The New Pornographers ... again!! But then I'd wish that Broken Social Scene would get back together, because they would be such an amazing band to see live. I've read reviews! They sound like they're epic live!
10. What nationality are you?
This is really a question you want me to answer? I'm Chinese. Some people think I'm Japanese, because of my last name, but I assure you I am not. At band camp, there were a ridiculous number of times someone would say something that would infer a Chinese stereotype. It was really funny. Even the student teacher made some jokes about Chinese people.
11. Do you send out holiday cards each year?
Only to my grandparents, and they are hand drawn by ME. Because apparently nobody else in my family can make a decent card. I also make them cards for their birthday and for Mother's Day and Father's Day. It makes me sick of cards.

So anyways, this is a ridiculously long note-blog thing, wow! Hopefully I will have something to still write!

Love Allison

p.s. This is the very first time I have not used a song lyric for my title!

listening to: track 18. This song is in a commercial, isn't it? For Virgin Mobile?

just a small town boy living in south detroit

I am so exhausted right now. Band camp was super fun, I had a lot of fun. It seemed like it passed by really quickly, I don't know.

On the bus ride to the camp, the can of Pringles spilled in Leslie's bag, and Leslie and Jocelyne panicked. They started putting chips back into the can, and then they ate the crumbs from the bag. And from Leslie's clothing. It was so epic. Especially when Jocelyne got one of Leslie's hairs in her mouth. We played the license plate game and Zitchdog, and Tamara punched my camera and hurt her hand. I ate a Nutrigrain bar without taking apart the two layers triumphantly, which would later lead to me choking on my spaghetti and spitting it out. After dinner, we had a huge band bonding time, which was OK, I guess. Jocelyne and I skipped snack time and had a dance party in our cabin, consisting of just the two of us. I am terrible at dancing. It lead to Leslie and Jocelyne singing "I Can Hear the Bells", which was so amazing because Leslie was so into it and Jocelyne jumped onto the bed and almost wiped out. We played Who'd You Do, Eat/Boat/Make Babies, and Truth until 2:00.

The next day, we had sectionals and percussion was pretty intense. I have to say that we sounded pretty good. After that Cailey, Jocelyne, Suzanne and I went to wall climbing and watched Sam get owned. After we went to the ropes courses. Jocelyne couldn't swing across the rope. Mr. Elephant Man went across the log on the high ropes course and one of the counselors grabbed the other rope he was attached to and made him slam into the log. It was awesome. After we made him rush through the low ropes course and he sprained his ankle. I sprained my wrist during Jugs & Jog, and we lost right after. We played Charades, which was really fun because we all chanted everyone's names when they were going up. After we had a dance party outside, and we did faux-karaoke in the dark. That night, we talked for a while after lights were out, and then some of us went out to the bathroom, and then ended up wanting to just hang out. Except the people in our cabin didn't want a whole bunch of people in our cabin. So we ended up wandering around for a little while, got invited into a different cabin and immediately kicked out, and then invited back in, and then we headed back to our cabin. We had the most random conversations about squirrels and bagels, and throwing peanut butter chocolate chips at Leslie, and demonstrating different ways to express yourself by sighing. Tamara's laugh was so hilarious.

We woke up this morning by having our door swing open and Mr. Elephant Man playing his trumpet at full blast. We packed up all of our stuff. Rehearsal went by really fast. There was an awesome tree that was curved weird so it was like a seat, and I sat in it and got a lot of sap on my hands. Jocelyne sat in it in half the time, but she has longer legs than me. I mooched just by looking at Skye, and I got a pop in return. I asked James how he gets his hair so luscious (Loreal Paris Men's stuff, leaving conditioner in for a minute). Before we left, Mr. Elephant Man recited a poem he created which had a whole lot of inside jokes. Like the fact that Jocelyne and I call him Mr. Elephant (it was so, so gross). On the bus ride home, a whole bunch of people, including Jocelyne, belted out songs for the entire ride. One third of the bus together sang songs from Rent. Leslie and I talked. I took over 200 pictures and won the contest.

The New Pornographers is tonight!

the bells ring no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

I am so, so stressed right now. Stressed since lunch. Jocelyne wasn't at school today, so spare was very lonely. I walked to the bank, and then got help on my essay. Which, by the way, has been moved until Monday because my social studies teacher is so so nice! Band was extremely boring, and I was just so tired. Also, I am joining wind ensemble. Good bye, spare time.

I am leaving for band camp tomorrow, and I haven't packed yet. I've spent my entire night either studying for the social studies test I have to write before school starts, and doing as much of the bio lab I have to finish by the end of tomorrow, because I apparently have to hand the lab in before I leave, even though the actual due date is Friday.

This is going to be the most stressful days away from school I will ever have. Until next week.

the timing was right, the pleasure was mine

I am sitting here, chewing on a pen, just being content. It's my sister's birthday, and it made my heart feel pretty good seeing how happy she was with her presents. I think we were supposed to do something today, but we haven't. Everybody has just been hanging around the house. We're having our turkey today. And cake after.

I almost can't wait for tomorrow to come, so I can give people some stuff I've worked on over the weekend. The past three days have felt really, really long. Like saran wrap covering a bowl of leftovers that you left over because you didn't really want to eat it, because you didn't like it. I've stopped feeling lonely these days, it feels good.

listening to: superconnected - broken social scene

she has not been able to sleep since the days of trudeau

On Wednesday, it would have been the ninth month my sister and I would be going without junk food. It has been a long time since we could eat ice cream or sour soothers without being guilty. But that's all over. Yes, today at 6:50 pm, we decided to truce and be allowed to eat junk food from now until eternity.

It feels weird to not have to say "no" anymore. Today, we went out for dinner for my sister's birthday, and my sister and I ordered pop. After our meal, we had a chocolate avalanche (which, by the way, was gloriously sweet).

I am so very glad we're not on this bet anymore. Plus, technically, I'm the true winner. TRUE WINNER!

the man who could make you sure he was the one

There are too many things going on right now, I just want to stop and do what I want, but everything I want to do is supposed to be at the bottom of my priorities. I don't want to write a paper explaining why or why not the French Revolution was a success, or label a diagram using a textbook with the wrong descriptions. I don't really want to go golfing tomorrow.

I want to write notes back to people. I want to make CDs. I need to buy my sister a birthday present.

My mom and my sister are playing Wii Bowling.

listening to: one year a.d. - feist

i'm wide awake, it's morning

I went to Crescent Heights today with Heather, to visit my old friends. I talked to them for a minute tops, and then they left. Just like they always do.

And I realized that I am so, so much happier at Aberhart and no matter how beautiful Crescent Heights is, I made the right choice not transferring. I prefer the trips downtown with Heather (which, by the way, are always amazing) than the trips for bubble tea. I like talking about music way more than talking about, well, nothing. I like writing and receiving notes, and not worrying about everything I say.

I don't think I'm going to go back to visit anymore. It is too much effort, and it seems like I'm the only one who cares.

listening to: liquid + light - chad vangaalen

it's impossible to tell how important someone was

CJSW is having a pledge drive, and YOU should pledge! On behalf of my sister's show! There are so many incentives, but the main reason you should pledge is for the satisfaction of knowing that you, yes you, helped the radio station!

$25 dollars gets you a Friends card. $60 means a Friends card and a t-shirt. Pledging $110? That equals 2 Friends cards, a t-shirt, and a tote bag OR mug. $150 earns you 2 Friends cards, a t-shirt, a Live CD, and a tote bag OR mug. If you're pledging $200, you get a choice of: 2 Friends cards, a t-shirt, and a hoodie, OR 2 Friends cards, 2 t-shirts, and a "choice of two" of a CD, tote bag, and a mug. $250 will get you 2 Friends cards, a t-shirt, a hoodie, and a "choice of 2" of a CD, tote bag, and a mug. And finally, pledging a awesome $300 will earn you 2 Friends cards, 2 t-shirts, and 2 hoodies.

Even if you pledge small, you still get a pair of CJSW earplugs! And if you pledge over $60, you will get a CJSW keychain featuring artwork by Chad VanGaalen! In fact, the t-shirts feature artwork by Chad VanGaalen too! HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!

So do it! And do it on Beet Farm.

listening to: the park - feist

we couldn't laugh, we couldn't sing

What an amazing band class today! We set up so all of the chairs were in a rectangle, so everybody was sitting beside each other. It was Haley's birthday today, but she really seemed like she expected people to make a huge deal out of it, which was dumb in my opinion. The student teacher tried to have us play "happy birthday" during our warm up, and suddenly she was like, "I can play it on the piano, I memorized it." OH REALLY? I was under the impression that it was the hardest piece to play ever on the piano. She didn't even play it that well. And then when she had to sing to herself (which she gladly did), she sang it off-key. I thought that if you have to tune your instrument every day, you'd be able to sing the right key? Anyways.

We played the song that I play the triangle in, and that got me really excited. I sat beside Mikki and kept having to ask her what measure we were at. Every time she played this certain part, I'd high five her for making it through the whole thing. After, we had to move around so that you were sitting beside someone who didn't have the same instrument as you, so all of my friends and I sat together. Jocelyne dissed my triangle. I yelled about "the circle of safety".

Jocelyne and I went around after and made nicknames for people. Most people's nicknames are just their last names. Leslie is "Fraser". Tamara is "McQueen". Cailey is "Stubbs" (girl version?). Mikalina is "Carss." Keith is "Mister Rogers" (but he doesn't know it). Rebekah is "Green Lantern".

After class ended, Mr. Paddock called me back in a very menacing way. I thought he was going to hit me.

He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Have a good afternoon."

the love that they grew in the summer froze

Feist! I am listening to her performance on a radio show from Friday. I like Feist. A lot. My sister calls it a "lady crush", but so what? Why is it a bad thing to truly appreciate an artist's talent? But anyways.

I am a bit embarrassed to say that I didn't get into Feist until last March, when my younger sister asked me to go to her concert with her, and I reluctantly agreed. I gave Feist a listen so that I knew what I would expect when I went to the concert, and man, I fell in love with the songs. It was all I listened to, non-stop, for many, many weeks. And then The Reminder came out, and it was brilliant.

I am very glad I went to this concert. Before that, I had only really listened to Mushaboom. I remember this one night, when my older sister and I were walking in the night to go take a look at a dead rabbit on the road, we discussed that song and sang it along the way.

Going to this concert also got me into Chad VanGaalen.

listening to: 1 2 3 4 - feist

did it fill me with so many secrets, keep me from loving you

Today I worked alone, even though I think another girl was scheduled to work with me. It was pretty good, although sometimes there would be a mad swarm of people and I'm only one person! I was returning somebody's golf club today, and I accidentally charged it twice on his card. I make a lot of mistakes at work, I'm surprised I haven't been fired yet. Next week, I will do everything without a mistake! I am going to try my hardest. Everything is a lot easier now than it was before. It's weird, I've been working for just over a month. It hasn't felt that long! Although it may be just because I only work once a week. During lunch, I finished up my biology.

I wrote some people some notes during work, on the back of receipts. They aren't people I usually write notes to. I really love writing notes. I love receiving notes even more. I am excited for Monday, when HOPEFULLY I will get a whole bunch of them. It feels so easy to write notes these days. It's harder to write blog entries.

you're smart, for a girl

I had a spare and the Terry Fox run was this morning, so I got to sleep in. I woke up five whole minutes later than I usually do! And I got to school in time for my spare. It was perfect timing. I spent the time writing a note to Abbey, which I think may be the best note I have ever written.

During band I played the triangle, which is the most amazing percussion instrument to play. Not even lying. Well, the crank instrument thingy is pretty cool too. I sat beside my trumpet friends while I played, because standing in the percussion section gets lonely, and it is just more fun to demonstrate how I play the triangle for eight whole measures!

After school, Heather and I went to go pick up her ticket, and it was my very first internet person encounter. She was about half an hour late, but she was nice and it took at the most two minutes. We ran into her again when we were getting Subway.

We ate in a park, which was very good for my soul. And then we played hide-and-seek. I loved it.

listening to: i feel it all - feist

i'm sick, you're tired, let's dance

It was like everything today was just a joke. A good joke. I laughed a lot today. There were so many people today who made me happy. Thursdays were always my favorite day. I like when I play the glockenspiel all alone in band, you can hear the chimes reverberate off of the sound. It's really nice. My cabins for band camp and choir camp are so sweet. I'm going to have a lot of fun this time around. We are already planning everything. Band camp is very, very soon!

I redact what I said yesterday, I was drunk. No, I wasn't, but I was wrong. Sorry. I'm a jerk.

i was waiting for you

I am so tired of being let down. I'm being let down every single day. I'm always hoping or expecting for something in particular to happen, and it never does. I am so tired of waiting. I am tired of trying, and failing, and just always feeling hurt. I lied when I said that I've never been walked anywhere before, I'm sorry. It just doesn't happen often enough for me to realize it. I just feel like I'm always the one walking someone else, walking somewhere else, walking nowhere, walking just to spend more time. Today Jocelyne stayed with me in the band room while I practiced, and that made me feel like a million bucks. That is, until she left to go hang out with Leslie. But then she came back.

Obviously this friendship doesn't mean anything to you, I honestly feel like you don't care. I rarely see you, and when I do, it always seems like you don't want to talk to me. I am tired of trying and failing. I am not even that surprised, it's not like this has never happened to me before. This is why I'm so wary of trust.

relax, take it easy

After choir this morning, I went with Cailey and Megan to the art room, so I could just chill (and maybe study) while they did their art enrichment. While I was sitting there, suddenly Ms. Marriott comes and tells me that I should join art enrichment, because it would be a lot of fun, and I would make a lot of friends (because Megan and Cailey told her that I had no friends). Before I knew it, my name was being written on the sign up sheet, and I was cutting out a hummingbird for my bowl. I don't even know what's going on.

It's such a problem for me. I just can't say no to anyone, I always feel so guilty when I do. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I end up doing it even if it hinders me doing so. I'd walk a completely opposite way with someone just so that they wouldn't have to walk alone. Or I'll bring my laptop to school almost every day so Jocelyne and I can watch stuff on it, even though it is inconvenient and makes my backpack really heavy. Or, I'll join things like choir and art enrichment. I was seriously so close to joining wind ensemble today, even though I know that I don't have enough time for it, and that I don't want to be in it if none of my friends are in it. Plus, there are people I dislike in wind ensemble, and if I have to share a room with them when they go to Vic Louis, I swear I'd go crazy.

I wish I could write about things that people actually gave a fuck about.

montreal might eat its young, but montreal won't break us down

I think I am finished my lab, I think I am finished my lab! It took me three hours to finish, not counting the time it took this morning and over the weekend. I am really hoping that I get a good mark on this. Lately my school marks haven't been very high, and I know people are going to say "blah blah blah 80% is really good" but in my family it is not; it is almost like failing. I feel so stressed out these days because of school, and I need to start working even harder to start raising up my mark.

It's making me think that maybe it's not a good idea to go to band camp, choir camp, the bio trip, or the Banff trip. But it's going to be so fun! I am going to regret it all when I end up swamped in homework, but right now I don't necessarily care. There is so much I can take at a time.

I need to get myself a journal sometime soon. Somewhere I can write my thoughts that I don't want to write here. I also want to buy Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, because I love that book and I need to read it again. Maybe three or four or a million times more.

Tomorrow I will wake up at 6:30 and take the bus, so I can get to school at 7:15.

i read your diary it said: i was a good son

I went out skating today with my dad and my brother, I haven't gone skating in such a long time! I think my brother is my favorite sibling, I am not even joking. He is so much fun, he's so cute, and he is hilarious. It's just the way he is. We even have an awesome handshake. Ah I love him.

I am in a Final Fantasy mood. I am really sad that I can't go to his show.

listening to: grim fandango - final fantasy & cadence weapon

i flooded my sleeves as i drove home again

I had a dream last night that some people and I were getting tattoos so we could get change for French Fries. I wonder what kind of tattoo I would get if I ever wanted one?

if the dizzying highs don't subside

I over analyze everything to the DEATH. Even the simplest comment sets my brain off. I spend so much of my time worrying about certain actions. It gets to the point where I'm obsessing over things I said hours ago, and I'm trying to decipher a laugh from months before.

Last night, I was trying to answer a question for English asking for the poet's feelings on a certain line. I couldn't get it. When I finally asked my dad, he gave me the answer that I had known, but refused to use. I kept thinking that there was a deeper underlying message to the whole poem that I couldn't see. I'm always doing that. I can never accept the fact that the answer could be that obvious. My mind can't grasp the fact that things could be that simple.

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes.

listening to: it's cool to love your family - feist

lonely lonely that is you, lonely and so untrue

Nothing exciting actually happened before 1:50 today. Spare, I studied. English, I actually worked. Lunch, I studied. Biology, I counted yeast cells. Social studies, I did a test. So I was really glad that Heather and I were hanging out. We had to run for the c-train and I almost wiped out running down the stairs. My eyebrows look really good now! So do Heather's. We got trapped in an elevator for like a minute! It was all very exciting.

Yesterday all of my homework finally built up, and everything I held off doing is now due right after the weekend is over. I finally realized how hard everything is, and how I really have to start managing my time better. It's like if reality gave me a swift kick in the ass. Oh wait, that happened too yesterday.

missing him like a heart attack

So choir had just begun, and I sit in the chair behind Megan.

"Hey Megan!" I say, because I had only seen her for a couple minutes today. "Fancy seeing you here!" she replies. We talk for thirty seconds when suddenly she exclaims, "hey, you stole my phrase!" "What phrase?" I ask.

"'Fancy seeing you here!"

"Uh, Megan, you said that."

it's wrong to want more than a folk song

Today was a good day in such surprising ways. It's not like the whole day was overall great, but everything little just built up, and I'm happy today.

Dark Harvest is a terrible movie. I mean really, really terrible. I want to burn my eyes with cyanide after watching that. But it was fun watching with Jocelyne. It was just so horrendous, we laughed through the entire thing. Especially the Christmas-light eyes that were supposed to be scary. As if.

The only productive thing I ever do in social studies is write Abbey notes. Seriously. I could probably learn more just reading the text book than being in class. We have to make newspapers dated in the time of the French Revolution as groups, and I have to do the editorial. I only actually like one person in my group, too. Jesus Christ, social studies sucks.

Biology was pretty good today, aside from the test. Which, actually, I didn't find too bad. I don't feel like doing any homework today, even though I know I should. Thanks for the playlist, Heather!

Cross country was even pretty good, too. I didn't walk at all, and I didn't come in last! Even though I had the worst cramp in my stomach, and my arms were really cold, and my legs were so tired! Grace was so nice, and she is so modest! Congrats with first! And thanks for walking me back to the school, it was nice. I like talking to Grace. She is the nicest person I know!

Even the really small things were brilliant today. Like both notes Abbey gave me. And when Natalie told me that I had nice writing. And when I talked to Cailey for a minute before class started. And walking to the C-Train station with Heather. And talking to Jen for the first time in a long time, and having an actual conversation. And Grace's sister telling me that I did good, even though I came in 96th and she came in first. It seems like every day is like this. It just depends on how many trivial things happen.