"what a charming typewriter"

There's something about cranes that always fascinates me. Maybe the fact that they are so enormous. They always contrast so well with the sky, especially if it's a dark and cloudy day. I wonder what it'd be like to be at the top of a crane? Really scary, I guess.

Today was a really good day.

listening to: the most beautiful girl in the room - flight of the conchords

"pick something!!"

Tagged by Chelsea.

Tag rules:

1. Go to where you store your digital photo folders. Open the fourth folder.

2. Go to the fourth picture and post it.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people.

I took this picture on December 30, right when I woke up.  I think it snowed the night before, so there was a new blanket of snow layering everything outside.  Whenever there's a new snowfall, I always want to take a picture of what it looks like, so that's what I did; I grabbed my camera, opened my door (while wearing my pajamas and a coat) and took a couple photos.  This one I especially liked because you could see the thin layer of snow and it contrasts with the dark branches.  The four people I am going to tag are:  Rae L, Heather A, Rebecca S, and Abbey B.  Because they're the only other ones on my Blog roll.  Even though I doubt any of them will do it.

I am very tired.  I'd like to take a nap, but I know that if I do, I'll end up staying awake for hours tonight.  Which, I guess, doesn't matter really because tomorrow I have absolutely nothing to do!  My study schedule is complete and I no longer have to worry about exams.  Actually that's not true, because now I'll probably spend the next three weeks worrying about my marks.  But, I don't have to study anymore and so now, unless I manage to make plans with anyone, I'm probably going to play Guitar Hero or watch Mad Men on my computer.  I am getting too addicted to Guitar Hero.  I should probably cut down, because today I played to the point where my wrists are sore, and for a little while my neck was sore.  I'm getting so much better, though!  I can play in "hard" mode and I never realized how much fun pressing buttons could be.  

"i just want to swing the microphone stand around."

Tomorrow on the schedule:  catching up on a season and a half of Mad Men and study contemporary events for social studies.  Probably not in that order.  And there will probably be some Guitar Hero in between.

Last night was a really good one.  For the first time in a really long time, we actually got people together to hang out.  Times like yesterday are pretty rare; people are always too busy.  Any time you can get over five people to hang out, it's a success.  We played Rock Band, Guitar Hero, and Twister, and we watched Death at a Funeral.  My friends are hilarious.  They always know the right things to say and the right way to say it.  Sometimes I just don't feel like talking, and last night was one of those times.  Sometimes I just don't have anything to say.  Am I boring?

"i hope you choke on the way home!"

I had the strangest dream last night, it was just so ridiculous and weird that I can't even comprehend it.  It started out at school, although it wasn't like Aberhart, it was somewhere with a basement and small lockers.  For some reason I stopped hanging out with all of my friends, and started dating this person I am definitely not supposed to be with.  Although in my dream, he made me very happy.  And then I realized that HE'S MARRIED.  So somehow the scene changes into this weird surreal track, and we're roller skating.  The whole time he is holding on to me, and I'm braking the entire time we're going down the track even though in reality I do know how to roller skate.  His wife shows up, but he just tells her that he's simply helping me out because I can't roller skate.  As she passes by he tells me that we've gone through six levels, and there's only one left and I have to defeat her in order for us to be together.  At first I don't get it, but then at the end of the track there's this boxing ring and we both go into it.  His wife starts decking me out, and I just remember these flies swarming this latex mask I'm wearing and I am really freaked out about flies.  She is kicking my ass, but he keeps telling me not to give up.  I take off my mask and flip it inside out to trap all of the flies.  I start heading towards her with the mask of flies, but right before I could find out what happened, my alarm started ringing and my mom came into my room, all at the same time.  It was so, so bizarre.

listening to:  humans - islands

"i'm vegan. it doesn't work that way."

I think I've gone slightly crazy these past few days because of exams.  I definitely crack under pressure.  I get so nervous that anything that presses on my tongue triggers my gag reflex and it is terrible.  Especially when you're trying to eat an egg and a banana for breakfast, and you are already not the biggest fan of either to begin with.  My stomach really hurt because of all of that this morning.  On top of that, my mind races when I'm trying to sleep, and I always stay awake for an hour or so thinking about the worst case scenario.  And then I dream of equations and solving them.  When I wake up, I'm so tired I could black out and I can't remember my dreams so I end up panicking because I don't know what the equation was or if I knew it.  I'm pretty sure I make up all of the formulas in my head anyways.  I think one night I figured out about Le Chetalier's Principles in my dream but I couldn't comprehend what I had learned once I woke up.  

And then I get so stressed out during a test I can't even read properly.  Seriously, it took me so long to realize what some questions were trying to ask.  Or I would interpret the question wrong and it would take me fifteen minutes to do a question before realizing that I'm doing it all wrong.  And all the while, my jaw is clenched because that's apparently what happens when I'm stressed out.  Ten minutes left of my math exam and my head hurt from clenching my teeth so hard, seeing as I still had eleven or twelve questions left.  Today in chemistry I think it was a bit better because I tried to speed up my thought process, but eventually I slowed down so I could try to understand some weird question about lead solid.  Being reduced and reducing always messes me up.  I'm really hoping I did alright.  I can't afford anything but great.

By the way, I think the best part of exams are the periods between A and B, where everyone just hangs around.  I love running into people and talking, and then just walking off and finding someone else. And just hanging out while eating a pound of lasagna and Kraft Dinner.  I enjoy that very much.

Hey, only one more exam left now!  I think I'll finally get a good night's sleep tonight.

listening to:  at the bottom of everything - bright eyes

the wind brings scars from finer ladies

My hand is extremely extremely sore right now.  Spending ten hours reviewing math is most definitely not the ideal way to spend a Saturday, but that's basically what I did.  And yesterday.  And the day before.  And the day before that.  I am actually so sick of my room, this laptop, and this very uncomfortable chair I am sitting on.  But I've got pretty high goals for my exams, and I really need to accomplish them.  If it means that I have to sit in the same spot and practice solving for "x" hundred and hundreds of times, so be it.  Plus, I get a sense of satisfaction whenever I get a question right.  Nerdy but it's true.  I like doing math because I like being right.

I deactivated my Facebook, and the only time I've hung out with people since Wednesday is at review sessions at school.  Part of me doesn't really mind.  The person I was back in elementary school kicks in and causes me to enjoy this individualism.  My favorite part of studying is being alone and singing along to my music playing at full volume.  Doing math and chemistry distracts me from everything else that's going on.  I don't really mind. 

listening to:  the future, pt. 1 - voxtrot

i'll take my chances on you

Do you ever get that feeling when you're in pain but you like it anyways?  Like when you have that fresh bruise on your knee, and you constantly lean against it or press it just to feel how much it hurts?  I guess that's the way you have to accept emotional pain.  Because the way I see it, the only way you can truly hurt from somebody is if you truly loved them.  If you never cared, what loss is it to you?  You may feel bad for not quite being the person they wanted, but you never experience that blinding, throbbing pain that never quite goes away.  The kind that keeps you up at night and makes you wonder where you went wrong.  If you didn't love someone, they would never be able to break your heart simply because you never gave it to them in the first place.

I guess I've been thinking about this stuff more and more lately.  I'll admit, these days I'm on the verge of giving up on everything.  I am stressed out and I'm back to square one where I really need a good cry.  There are a lot of times when the past comes up and I realize how much I miss it.  I am so immature that I can't cope with this.  I am always racking my brain, trying to figure out what I did wrong that would make me undesireable. 

But I'm still trying to remind myself of the positive side to all of this.  Before last June, I was afraid to love anyone.  I was afraid of this kind of hurt, of heartbreak and depending so much on somebody to make you happy.  But then it happened, and those past three months were honestly the three best months of my life.  There is no better feeling than investing your love in someone and having it returned.  It was amazing to experience, regardless of the fact that it ended.  I also think of the fact that even if I didn't go for it, if we didn't go through with all of this .. I'd still be in some sort of bind where I'd have a terrible crush on him and be left with this sort of want and longing.  This pain is just a reminder that I loved.  And what is a life where you don't get hurt at least once?

i can't stop loving you

Everything became so stressful in a span of one week.  I'm so glad it's over, and now I can just have a even sense of stress that doesn't overwhelm me and drive me crazy.  I think everything went well except for math, which did not go the way I wanted it to at all.  I'm so disappointed that I did so bad on a math test.  Usually it's one of my strongest suits.  But the weekend is here, and I can work on conics so I can at least accomplish something good in math.

I really need a nap.

help, i'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer

I need to stop doing this.  It is 5:18 in the freaking morning and I'm still not asleep.  I've got to get back on track.  School's in two days and being up at 5:18 sucks.

I've been alone and allowed to listen to my own thoughts for a bit too long now.  Listening to myself is never a good thing because it seems like I'm only thinking on one track.  I'm trying harder and harder to convince myself that things are fine, and for the most part it works.  I'm just getting tired of having to fight this battle all the time.

I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with Kim on New Years' Eve, and it was pretty good.  I always enjoy time with Kim.  After that I stayed in with my family and watched a couple movies.  I'm glad I didn't go out, my family is great.

On New Years' my dad took my sister and I out to the junior tournament championship final in the Saddledome, and I had a good time.  I spent the most part taking pictures, but that's what I love to do.  We went to our aunt's house for the traditional New Years' dinner, and I had a good time again with my cousins.  We played a lot of cards and Rock Band.

Work is really slow again, but I don't really mind.  It's cold outside.  I found out that I already got accepted to the U of C.  My acceptance email came 24 seconds after they confirmed that my application got sent in.  I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't get accepted so I could try to get into UBC or McGill or something like that.  But U of C is the only one my mom will let me go to, so I guess I'm stuck here.  Maybe it won't be too bad.