everybody broke me up

It's been an interesting week.  Christmas was absolutely great; I spent it with my relatives, and my cousins and I played pick up sticks and cards all evening.  I love hanging out with my cousins, especially when we all just have fun and play games like this.  It's like if we're kids all over again, at someone's 8th birthday party where we'd all sit around and just play Uno, or Big Two.  It's fun to bond with them.

I worked Boxing Day, and it was busy and not bad.  That night I went to Jade's apartment, and we stayed up all night watching I Am Legend, Tropic Thunder, Gossip Girl, and Arrested Development with Maggie and Jacqui.  It was ridiculous.  We ate so much junk food, and tried so hard to stay up all night but everyone fell asleep.  I pretty much passed out at 5:30.  We woke up at 9:00 the next morning, which was stupid but Jacqui had to go out for lunch that day so we just hung around and then ate breakfast.  

That night I stayed up with my sisters watching Gossip Girl.  We had made it until the middle of the second season until we finally decided to go to sleep.  We finished the rest of the season the next day.  We pretty much stayed in my room until dinner time watching Gossip Girl.  It was sad yet awesome at the same time.

Today I went to my cousin's house with my two cousins and my sister for lunch, which was really good.  I got to meet her dog, who scared me a bit because he is really energetic and apparently likes to hump people's legs.  A lot.  But he loved me and didn't violate me at all.  We watched Sex and the City before we had to go, which was pretty funny because my cousins didn't let me watch any of the sex scenes (since I was the youngest of us five).  After that, I went to Jessica's house to watch Superbad with her and Brittany.  I stayed at her house for dinner, until my dad had to come pick me up at the only time he could.  I spent the next two hours at a junior hockey team.  I had my camera with me, so I just snapped hundreds of pictures and it was actually really fun.

For a short period of time, I felt really alone and I really missed what I used to have.  I'm getting over that again.  I guess I've realized that I'm starting to forget what I felt, and that scares me.  I never thought I'd lose that feeling.  I guess it's alright; I mean, I should let go of these things in order to move on.  It's just that that feeling was so incredible, so amazing that I don't want to let it go. I guess I'm just going to have to be patient and wait for that feeling to come back.  Hopefully, the next time it will be more brilliant and last forever.

good times gonna come

It's become almost a chore to write in here, I must admit.  But I'm always so scared that I'm going to some day forget my life, and this just gives me those small reminders.  Sometimes, when I don't have anything to do, I'll go back and read the archives of this blog to remember things that happened.  

But anyways.  It's been really cold outside, but that doesn't stop my friends and I from going tobogganing, apparently.  Megan, Cailey, Kevin, Emily, Gavin, and I went out on Sunday to go to sledding after a lot of confusion caused by Mikki, about it being too cold and postponing.  We all showed up anyways, except for Mikki and Cailey, and even though it was kind of cold from the wind, we still stayed out for probably forty five minutes or so.  Our best run down was when Megan showed up, and we all went down in a train.  It was wicked.  On my last run down, Kevin pushed us when our feet weren't even off the snow, so I kept kicking up snow into my face.  By the time we were at the bottom, I was covered from head to toe in snow, my face was freezing and wet, and my left hand, which was exposed since it was still holding my camera, had lost feeling that wouldn't return for another fifteen minutes.  Kevin and I then went back to Cailey's house and played speed.  When everyone else came back, we drank chocolate milk and played big two before my dad picked me up, and my sister and I went to Market Mall to look for a gift for my mom.  

That night, I went out for dinner with my junior high friends because my friend from Chicago was back in town this week.  We went out for sushi, and it was a lot of fun laughing and remembering things that happened back in the day.  I spent a lot of money on food.  

Today I met up with them again for brunch at Nellie's.  Maggie and I had massive meals, so we ended up boxing all of our toast and Jade's pancake, and giving it to a homeless guy.  Brunch was so much fun.  I don't even really know what we talk about, but I'm always laughing and it's just like the old days.  We met up with Cecilia, and then went skating at the oval.  Which was pretty hilarious because Cecilia and Maggie don't really know how to skate.  There was only one wipeout, but it hurt Cecilia pretty badly.  We skated for probably forty minutes before we finally had to go.

I'm so happy that Jacqui's back in town, reuniting with those guys is always a blast.  We're going to have our traditional sleepover later this week, which should be premium.  Christmas is so soon!  I'm even excited for tomorrow, I think there is some excellent family bonding time in the forecast.

it's starting to look like it's going to be a bright beautiful day

It's been almost a week since I've posted on here, and honestly it feels kind of weird.  I always check to see how many visitors I had that day, and I always check my blog to see who updated their blog, but I never bother to write anything.  I'm not taking as many pictures either.  I'm just getting a bit tired of trying to relive my past.  It's so much easier to just sit back and live.  Don't take me wrong, I still absolutely love taking pictures, but I never feel like taking pictures of things that have been happening, like at parties or get togethers.  I just like preserving images.  Whenever I'm on the c-train, or anywhere outside, my mind likes to see everything like a photograph I should take.  I don't know.  I wish I lived a more interesting life, where my pictures could actually mean something.

This past week has been pretty eventful.  I'll try to condense it as much as possible.  I went out somewhere every day after school except for on Monday.  On Tuesday I stayed after school and scorekept girls' basketball.  Both our teams lost, but watching the junior team play was absolutely brutal.  It was like watching grade seven basketball all over again; nobody knew how to run plays, everyone just flung the ball at the hoop whenever they had the chance, and it was just overall terrible.  

On Wednesday we didn't have choir, so Mikki and I headed downtown to do some Christmas shopping.  We went to Nation, Looks Could Kill, Shisomiso, and Uppercase in Art Central.  We went around TD square looking for a store that sold icecream scoopers, but we had no luck.  I should have studied math a lot harder that night, but I didn't.  The next day at school I wrote my conics test and it sucked royally.  I've never done so bad on my math test, but at least I get to replace it.  

We found out that we didn't have band after school Thursday, so I went Christmas shopping to get more things.  I first went to Kensington and tried to look for some stuff, but I didn't get anything.  Plus it was really cold outside.  I went back to the train to head downtown.  A woman came and sat across from me.  She asked for a kleenex, and then a quarter.  When we reached downtown, she asked if I could hold the door for her while she paid for a transit fare, so I did and when we both went back to our seats, we started talking about a lot of things.  She is taking fine arts and humanities, or something like that.  We talked about our families, which were really contrasting with their views on education and stuff, which then led to so many things.  I wish that we could have talked more, but I had to get off the train.  I am so terrible with names, though, so I can't remember what hers was.  Plus, I was trying to get off the train before it left the platform.  My brain is so bad with concentrating.  I bought Mikalina's present and then headed back to the university to meet Kate and Brittany for Oklahoma!.

The walk to MacEwan Hall was terrible.  I was so cold, and it felt like forever.  I ate dinner in Mac Hall, and then met up with Kate and Brittany.  Okalahoma! was pretty interesting.  They all had western twangs so Brittany and I could hardly tell what anyone was saying.  And we only got the gist of the plot.  The singing and acting was really good, but the plot kind of sucked.  When I got home, I had to frantically finish my CALM homework and then wrap presents.  I ended up going to bed at three in the morning.  

Friday was awesome because we didn't have to do anything in class and periods were so much shorter.  After school was done, we headed to Megan's house.  We walked with Gavin up to the train station.  I ended up talking to Gavin the entire time we walked with him, and it was really nice.  I love talking to him.  I gave him a hug before he left, and today he told me he was glad that I did, because our very first hug was on the last day of school last year.  I was amazed that he remembered that, because I didn't even realize it until he mentioned it.  

Anyways, the walk to Megan's was a million times worse than the walk to the university.  Mainly because it was probably a half hour walk.  My legs stung, and then I couldn't really feel them anymore.  When we finally reached her house, the insides of my legs first went burning out, and then freezing cold.  It felt like if there was ice water flowing through my veins.  I couldn't stop shivering and I was so cold for so long.  I just can't take this temperature.  Gift exchange was really fun, I really like the stuff that I got.  While we were having lunch, Megan made a weird facial expression which set Cailey and Mikki off.  They couldn't stop laughing for five minutes straight.  After that, we all calmed down for a bit, but then suddenly they started laughing again, and Cailey's laugh is so funny when she's laughing hard that I started to laugh.  And everyone was laughing, and we couldn't stop.  My stomach was in so much pain, but whenever I heard Cailey laugh, I would laugh.  I was on the ground laughing, and it was so ridiculous.  We spent fifteen minutes laughing basically because somebody else was laughing.  I went to the kitchen and tried to pour a cup of milk, but even that was a hard task because I didn't want to spill the milk while I was laughing.  It was absolutely crazy.  I've never laughed so hard in my life.

After that, we all got pretty tired from laughing.  I went to work, and it was pretty dead.  When I got home, I showed my sister the game of Pickup Sticks that Cailey got me, so my sisters and I started playing that.  It was intense; our family's pretty much all about competition, and we always want to win.  After that, we played again with my brother.  Every time he messed one up, he'd hit the other ones and ruin the game for us.  Well, him ruining the game made me win the game.

Today I worked, and it wasn't too bad.  It was pretty busy for most of the day, which occupied my time.  After work I went to band practice at Gavin's, and we did some playing.  After the other guys left and I was waiting for my dad to come, we talked and it just felt so easy.  I'm so bad at making conversation sometimes, but nowadays with him I always have stuff to say.  It's great.  Right now life is great.

i hold my breath and disappear inside myself

It is freezing outside!  I am sitting on my couch beside the window that is not stopping the cold from coming in and so my feet are cold.  But I love the snow, and how it glitters in the light, and I just want it to keep snowing.  However, it's just sunny and freezing.  I worked Friday and Saturday, which was pretty decent because nobody wants to go out in the cold, so I got paid to do pretty much nothing.  I played Freecell and Hearts and Solitaire.  Practiced my putting a bit.  Went on Facebook.  

Friday after school I went out for lunch with Natalie and Kate, and that was really fun.  We were going to go to Mongolie Grill, but when we got there we found out that the Dalhousie location does not exist anymore.  That was pretty shocking.  But we ended up going to Boston Pizza, and Natalie got the most monstrous pasta.  

I'm really not talking in chronological order, but oh well.  Last night after work my dad took me to Superstore so I could get more canned stuffed for Aberhart's food drive.  While we were there, he showed me this camera that's not quite a DSLR, but it's almost.  It's DSLR shaped, and it has 12x zoom and it's 10.0 megapixels.  He asked me if I wanted it, and I told him that I'd research it and tell him later, because until midnight you could get double the GST off your purchase.  So we bought the food and went home, and I spent two hours or so watching Gossip Girl and looking up reviews and descriptions of the camera.  The more I read about it, the more I liked it.  It has so many extra features that my current camera doesn't have, like a sport function, or fireworks, or panorama!  So I decided that it was the only Christmas present that I wanted.  I mean, I wanted a DSLR, but I didn't want my parents to spend that much money on me (like if they would) so I didn't ask for it at all.  And this was pretty close, and I don't need all the manual functions anyways.  Plus it was pretty cheap.  I told my dad that I wanted it, so we headed out at 11:20 to go get the camera and then pick up my sister.  Except, when we got to Superstore, the electronics department was closed despite the fact the Superstore is supposed to be open for 24 hours.  The guy there told us that someone might be back at midnight, so we went to go pick up my sister and then went back.  Nobody was there, so my dad told me that he'd go this morning.  My sister went to buy some stuff, but the servers for the self checkout froze and so we were at Superstore much longer than we thought.  When we finally got that settled, we headed back home, and I stayed up until three  reading up about that camera and watching Gossip Girl.  I am completely up to date, and now I have to wait until January 5 to watch the next episode.  Which feels like so long, since I watched like two episodes a day.  

Since it is so freezing cold today, I'm just going to hole myself up in my house and catch up on some other TV shows I missed.  Hopefully my dad will come home with the camera.  Last night I had a dream that I was in Gossip Girl, and I was taking pictures with that camera.  It was a really weird jumble of events.

listening to:  two step - dave matthews band

so good when it ends, they'll never be friends

Who knew that one simple note could change so many things?  Today was an absolutely great day.  It was so unexpected the way things happened, but I'm so glad for the people I know and the things that did happen.  One small thing led to another, and now I can honestly say that at this moment I am happy.  Happy!

This morning, when tutorials were ending, Mikki told me that she had something for me, but we had to go outside to get it.  I thought she was going to start a snow fight with me, but instead she uncovered a small mound of snow.  Mikalina brought me a small carton of Dibs icecream.  I've never had someone do something nice for me as a surprise like that, and wow.  It just made me feel so grateful that she is my friend, and I am so glad I made the choice to tell her about what was going on with my life right now.  Help was something so hard to ask for, but it was something I needed.

Both of us were late for chemistry.  I forgot that our class switched rooms with another, so at first I almost walked into a classroom full of people I did not know.  Tori and Nancy "assigned" me a seat by writing Seto on the piece of tape on the desk between them.  The classroom we were in was funny and strange, with its obsessive pattern of three and bright lights.  I shared the dibs with my friends, and Tori and I had some pretty ridiculous moments.  It was probably because we were all sitting beside each other.  

When I was telling Cailey about my morning, she told me that she hadn't seen me this happy in about a month.  We joked and talked and made plans for the weekend.  I couldn't stop laughing and smiling.  During band after school, I walked into the band room to see Jordan and Bronwyn toilet-papering Natalie.  So of course I joined in.  My stomach hurt from laughing so hard.  I always enjoy band, and playing the timpani and wind chimes.  I liked today.

I hope this feeling lasts.

when the leaves turn brown, i'll be around

How's this for a change of pace, I'm feeling ... not great, but better. I've found someone who I write notes to telling them about why I'm acting the way I am, and just finally letting somebody actually know, and knowing that they know, makes this feel a whole lot lighter. It's strange trying to remember how my laugh sounded, and I thought about that in chemistry class, when I actually laughed and it sounded so weird. So unfamiliar. I'm still having trouble falling asleep, but I'm starting to rely more on my friends. Does that sound strange? I have to justify this with the fact that I don't like giving any part of myself away (with one exception), but maybe I should. Breaking down barriers seems easier than trying to build them.

i'm so tired of being lonely

I guess my ex-boyfriend gets a category of his own, only because he had such a huge impact on my life. I’ve never really talked about this to anyone, because I hate sounding like a giddy girl who doesn’t care about anything else, but for some reason I find writing this here safe. For some reason, I feel like I need to write this out. Have you ever wished that someone would ask you what you were thinking? Because if someone ever asked me that, instead of “what’s up?” or “how are you?”, then I’d tell them that I was thinking about him, all the time. Even now, it’s still like that, and that is the reason why he is such an important part of my life. He broke up with me a couple weeks ago, with the reason that he didn’t want a relationship, and that right now was not the right time. We only dated for three months, but it felt like we just had a longer relationship, except condensed. I spent almost every day I could with him, and I believe that I loved him. I have only ever dated two people in my life, and so nothing compared to the way I felt about him. We talked every day. I told him all of my secrets, my thoughts, and my feelings. I loved being around him all the time, just to hear his voice, or feel his touch. I couldn’t see myself without him. One day, when I did doubt our relationship, he told me not to doubt him, and that he loved me, and that we’d be together for a long time. But here we are now, separate. I never saw this coming, and it hurts so much. I guess a part of life is adjusting, and I should accept this loss and move on, and so right now I am trying as hard as I can to be happy. Another characteristic about me is that I tend to hide things on the inside. I don’t trust people enough to tell them how I feel; he was the only exception. Now, I work so hard to act like I’m okay, even though on the inside it really doesn’t feel that way. Another way this event has affected me is that it has made me so extremely self-conscious. Every day, I start thinking about the reasons why he could have done this to me, and then I start thinking of all my flaws, and it justifies his actions.

I wrote this on September 23, as part of my autobiography in CALM.  It's all still true.  I'm sorry this blog has turned into this.

so for the rest of my life i'm going to search for someone just like you

I've been thinking over this so much, to the point where I'm losing so much sleep and I'm constantly finding tears in my eyes.  I honestly don't want to feel like this, I want to move on and be consistently happy.  I want to stop thinking about you all the time.  I want to stop wondering what you're thinking, or if you still want to be my friend, or if you're just so weirded out about all of this.  I got a honesty box message with words that are just so true, but I don't know how to tell anyone about this.  It is just so much easier to write this without worrying about any immediate judgement.  Why do I trust this so much more than an actual friend?  It just feels like even I don't completely understand what I'm feeling, and so I highly doubt anyone else will be able to tell me anything that will make me feel better.  Actually, one person probably could, but those words will never ever be spoken.

I don't know how to move on.  I don't know how to rid myself of everything single memory that I have with you, and all of the feelings that I used to have.  You convinced me of so many things.  I believed so many things you said, and then you went back on your word.  That's part of the pain.  But there's so much to it.  Now that there's so much space between us, I continuously wonder if you ever loved me at all.  I always wonder how you could get over me so fast.  If I was just like any of the other girls you went out with.  If I ever meant that much to you.

I will never hate you.  But I hate the fact that you didn't feel the way I ever felt about you, and how you never will.  I hate the fact that I wasn't worth holding on to.

And that's what hurts the most.