all my friends would help me, and they are all amazing people

I feel so gross right now, my nose is stuffy and my throat hurts more than ever. But, I had a good day today. I hung out with my old friends, and it was pretty fun. Cecilia, Jacqui, and I went to American Apparel and that was the very first time I ever went there. I bought a sweater, but I think I'm going to exchange it for a polka dot one because the one I got was almost 70 bucks, and I kind of regret spending that much money on a sweater. I'll probably go back to AA on .. Monday (hint) or something anyways. Hopefully the sweater is still there, because there was only one small there. Or, hopefully they'll get more smalls in stock because while we were there, pretty much everything was large and extra large. After AA, we took the bus and then walked to Gravity, and I got a pair of sweet Vans for only fifteen dollars! They've got green abstract patterns on them, and they look awesome. We spent about half an hour at that store. Cecilia got a pair of Converse high tops with crossword on them, and we kept having to get the girl to bring us different pairs of shoes, I felt really bad about that.

While we were waiting for the bus to come, this weird guy with a bike standing a bit away from us yelled "squid fuck!" and Cecilia started laughing, and then he started yelling at us. "What the FUCK are you doing?! You don't know jack shit! Fuck!" All I can really remember about that now is that he yelled "fuck" a whole lot of times. I was afraid he was going to smoke us with his bike.

We went to Kensington to meet Maggie and Toni at her aunt's store that she works at, and it was really, really cold! After we went to The Rocket so Cecilia could get a custom t-shirt, and then we went to All the Rage and I got a sweet new pair of mittens that resemble Elmo. So cool! We then went to Sakana and met up with Jade there. Dinner was pretty decent, and we got there just in time for happy hour.

I got home, and played DDR with my sister. We couldn't beat this intense song where you could only get three "boos" or less. My sister managed to get only four, but that was the closest we got. We then quit and watched Bruce Almighty. Well, some of it.

listening to: cótes des neiges - stars

this is why I never hold a grudge against you, love

I sent a text to you last night asking if you were there, I was praying that you were because I want to know that you're OK. I couldn't sleep for a while, I just had my mind racing with things I wanted to say to you, things I wanted you to hear. I wanted to wake up and see a new text from you, I wanted your number to appear saying that you were OK, but where are you? Where were you? I just looked at my site statistics and your IP was there. Are you ignoring me? Are you mad at me? I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for being so negligent, that I'm not interesting, that I'm too analytical, that I can never say what I want to say at the right time. I'm sorry I'm not self confident, I'm sorry that I suck. I'm sorry I gave you that note, it was shitty. I'm sorry that I'm always looking behind me, that I can't let go of the past. But I miss it. I miss October, I miss our treks downtown and getting our eyebrows waxed, even though it hurt. I miss the bio trip, sleeping in the same bed as you that night might have been the best night of my life. I loved talking you to sleep, I loved how close we were that night and how I have never cared so much for anyone as I did for you back then. But that was back then, and suddenly everything changed. Why did it have to change? I guess it was inevitable. I know we should just keep going forward, but why can't we be close again? Why did we have to grow so apart? Why don't we ever talk on the phone anymore? Why is it that before I had 10 pages of conversation on Nexopia, and now it is down to one? Why didn't I think of you when I had to think of my favorite person? Why do I have to ask all these questions? You're probably annoyed of all of this, you're probably sick of being my friend. I'm sorry I'm such a bad friend. I'm sorry I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

Please reply.

in the spirit of giving in

I'm still basking in the goodness that was yesterday. I have to admit, I've started thinking about you a lot more lately, and about how that one decision could have been a mistake. But, if I had known that we would end up like this, I wouldn't have spent those couple of months being dumb and awkward. For some reason, I kind of think we could try again. We're really good like this, though! Maybe I'm better being just friends with guys, and nothing more.

But anyways, about yesterday. After school we headed off to Megan's house to open presents and have lunch. The presents everyone gave out were so beautiful! All of the pictures are on my wall right now, I love them. We did interpretive dancing and chilled, and it was really fun. After I left Megan's house, I headed down to Art Central and I love that place so, so much. I fell in love with the toques in Looks Can Kill Boutique, so I raced all the way down to the ATB on Stephen's Avenue to get more money. I went back and tried on almost all of the hats. The designs are so, so amazing! I finally settled with buying a beautiful soft purple hat with a cute whale on it for my sister. Fifty five bucks well worth it. After that, I bought her a pocket mirror from Uppercase, and a key chain for my brother at Nation. I now have about two bucks on my debit card. Good thing I'm working tomorrow and on Boxing day.

Later that night, I went to the music dance party, which was actually really fun, considering very few people I hang out with went. I hung out with Andrea a lot. Kate serenaded me in front of everyone, it was so awesome! Buying her for the day for thirty bucks was absolutely worth it - right from when she actually talked in a Chinese accent for most of the day. And did pretty much everything I asked her to do. I danced a whole lot, and went pretty crazy. It was so funny making up our own dance moves. At one point, a song went on that I guess everyone knew the dance moves to, and Aidan and I did the robot. Apparently, we're robotic soul mates. I had so much fun with him.

I worked 9-5 today, and it was so busy. I like it a lot this way, when there's a constant stream of people buying things. I think I've gotten pretty good at being efficient. I get to work tomorrow too, because I guess they're desperate. Brian and Reagan begged me, it was funny. So, now I'm basically earning back all of the money I spent for Christmas in two days. Sweet.

it's christmas time in the city

It's getting so much closer to Christmas, and I am so excited! It was a decent day today. The lab in bio wasn't too bad, and during English we talked to no end even though Mr. McMillan got really agitated at us. During my spare I chilled with Lindsay for a while, she is a sweet kid. After that I worked on my English, and the power went out. The majority of students doing their social studies essay on the computer were devastated as their work was forever lost.

Because the power went out, I couldn't find Diana and the other people I was supposed to meet up with, so I ended up meeting them at the mall about an hour later. There were so many people from school there, it was pretty insane. After they left, I ran into my Asian friends, and hung out with them for a while.

After the mall, I met up with Amelia, Cailey, and Megan and we headed out by Cailey's house and did some outdoor skating. I haven't gone skating in a while, and I forgot how much I loved it. It was so much fun just standing out, the wind blowing and snow falling heavily from the sky. I definitely didn't feel bitter then.

she's the reason why i'm trying to make it alright

It feels like things have been going by really quickly, but nowadays I feel really happy with the place I've fit myself. I just feel so content, and I'm hoping that things stay still for a little while before everything changes again. Fuck school, though, it seems like I've stopped doing well even though I've started trying hard, which is extremely unfair. But, I guess I just have to let it go, like Cailey says, and just relax. I'm excited for tomorrow, and for things that will be coming up, and for school to be over and for me to relax.

I'm happy with my life, whether you're in it or not. I honestly don't care anymore, it seems like I never miss you anymore. If we're not meant to be friends, we're not meant to be, I've been talking to you less and less and between the two of us, it seems like it doesn't even matter. I'm happy with the people I've decided to prioritize, it's probably all for the fucking best anyways. It's funny how different things can look after time, it's like going for your regular eye checkup and discovering that you're almost blind.

ride my rusty bicycle into the lake

The past days have been really busy, so busy, in fact, that I haven't even had much time to do my Christmas presents. I've planned so many things in my head, but there seems like I won't have enough time to do any of it. We'll see how things go. If it doesn't turn out right, I owe you one.

I went out after school to go get Christmas presents, and I pretty much got everything I wanted for my friends. It was really fun, I ran into Angela, Tim, Sarah, and Lindsay, and that was exciting. On the way back to the c-train station, I ran into Elliot and ended up going to Manana and seeing Abbey and Rebecca, which was pretty sweet. I helped out with the debate at school, and it was pretty boring. I watched some Asian junior high girls get owned verbally, and two girls who apparently goes to Tom Baines recognized me because they knew my sister.

On Saturday I worked, and I worked through my break so I could leave early. It was so extremely busy, Christmas is definitely coming closer. I can't count how many times I had to grab gift boxes, print gift receipts, or explain our return/exchange policy after Christmas. After thing slowed down, I played with the ninja stars I made with Soon, which was pretty fun. After I went to Diana's house for her formal Christmas party, which was a lot of fun. Megan and Cailey helped me with makeup, and there was Guitar Hero even though I didn't get a chance to play it. We tried for a dance party, but that didn't last too long. After we tried to watch Transformers, but we had to stop because everyone was so loud. And then we tried for a dance party again. We took some pretty hilarious pictures with Dallen, and, no, I do not have any experience with that kind of stuff! I met a whole lot of new people who are really awesome; there were some pretty good conversations going on, and Douglas can sure dance!

Today I went over to Kim's house and we watched Disney movies, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin. It was so much more chill, I really liked it. It was a good way to wind down the weekend. Except I didn't really manage to study.

but it won't kill me lovin', babe

We took like 130 pictures today, and most of them are of Jessica (aka SEGA!), which is pretty funny. Hanging around the Rosza Centre was decent to begin with, but then after I just got so annoyed with everyone being loud. Having around 90 people standing backstage can drive you nuts. But anyways, band during school was pretty fun. The last people did their playing tests today, and I passed more notes. I passed one to Keith (aka Mr. Rogers!), wishing him a happy birthday (and we sang him "Happy Birthday" in different languages backstage!), and to Nick asking him about his whip, and I replied to Tamara (aka Big Mac), wrote to Leslie (aka Tater Tots), commented on Henry's (aka Monochromatic Man's) orange, drew a picture for Sheila, and to Natalie. When I was sending a note to Tamara, I put it on a stand and extended it, trying to reach Tamara. Then she tried to transfer it from her stand onto her flute. And then Mr. Paddock looked up. So we had to stop and drop and sit quietly. Until Haley was done her playing test. Mr. Paddock sent a note back to me, and it was awesome. Number one triangle! Yay!

We had dinner at Mac Hall, and that was pretty fun. We kept trying to get a creeper picture of Jessica, and she'd pose for everything. It was funny watching her pose as she ate her fries. We took mirror-ceiling pictures, jumping pictures, and lots of pictures in our white shirts. The performance was actually pretty good too, although I was really tired and just ready to go home.

I just had a conversation with my parents about the pressure they lay on us, and they told me that it was because they knew that we have that potential, and that we are smart enough to be in the 90s. I told them that their pressure makes me feel like I'm going to get killed in my house. And that I maybe wanted to be a specialist doctor. Maybe take kinesiology, study anatomy, and body movement.

you can't see that i'm the same as all the stupid people that you hate

I like being able to pass notes in band class. I like making nicknames, I wish people would make some for me. I like trying to not talk to Kaitlyn while studying and failing. I like drawing on my notes, I like how Christmas is really soon. I like how I'm focusing in school now, but not how I got a 76 on my quiz even though I studied really hard. I like laughing from the inside out. I like being enthusiastic, getting a pat on the head, watching The Importance of Being Earnest. I like getting hugs around the waist. I like American Apparel hoodies. I like taking pictures, and editing them. I like thinking of Christmas presents, but I have no idea how I'm going to get them all finished in time. I think I like myself right now.

i'm ready to tell you that you don't know what this is

Today my dad gave me the old cellphone that I used for two weeks before it broke down, because it was working again. Although it doesn't have a plan on it anymore. I went through my old text messages, and found that there was one that I had not seen before, on October 27th. It was simply this:

"<3!"

And yet it made me smile.

Tomorrow we'll be doing playing tests in band, and I've already hatched an elaborate plan that involves note passing and subtle signals.

belle won't you be my wife

I'm going to have Beauty and the Beast music stuck in my head for life. I had to write the essay today, and it is probably the worst thing I have ever written in my life. I liked my opening sentence, but that's about it. The four minute outline was alright, but still, it sucked. For my closing paragraph, I started it by quoting my friend. "Unrequited love is dumb". It is. In social studies we are going to do a debate. I'm partnered with Gavin, and I feel kind of bad because it means that Natlie has to be with Rita. And Rita isn't the greatest partner for public speaking. Bio class was especially brutal, since we had a unit test and I only studied today at lunch. I am really, really hoping that we get a hundred on the bonus project, because I'm really going to need it.

Beauty and the Beast was especially awesome tonight. Before the show, we had a relaxing exercise or something, and I found out that the show was sold out, so it meant that my sister would probably not be able to get in. So that and a whole lot of other stuff just hit me and I cried. I really don't know why I was so emotional, but when I went to the washroom I just burst out sobbing and it was really bad.

My sister managed to get in, though, and I saw her sitting in her seat and laughing, and at the end she said that she really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. I'm sad that it's all over, and that I won't have to play it anymore. I really loved our pit band, and our group hugs and bonding times, and our imprompt bursts of nonsense. Aidan and Lindsay went on for about half an hour about "Zorgan", and just hearing them spout out the most random things was absolutely ridiculous. The cast and everyone was just so amazing, it is one of the sweetest experiences ever.

course by course, one by one

Today definitely turned out better than expected, this morning I felt just so cranky about everything. I tried to sleep in bio, but that just made me even more cranky. Especially since I missed all of the bonus projects yesterday, so I didn't get to watch my video or sing to Chelsea's bio song! That just really sucks. Alyssa sent me the file, but of course it doesn't work on my computer. Dang. But yeah, anyways. During lunch I hung out with part of "the band", so Kate, Aidan, and Henry, and that kind of boosted up my mood when everyone started talking in Chinese accents. During spare I watched the Beauty and the Beast movie with musical theatre, and I feel kind of bad because I just left Kaitlin in the library. But I just didn't feel like doing any work what so ever today. So guess who's screwed for the essay and test she has to write tomorrow.

Band was even decent today, right at the end I got really hyper with my tambourine. We headed down to Mac Hall for dinner, and then since we actually weren't needed until around six, we all just hung out in our room and relaxed. Well, actually most of us just hung around while Aidan and Lindsay made the most random comments about zen. It was interesting.

The performance itself sounded really good tonight, the audience seemed pretty into it. We sounded pretty decent too, I didn't really screw up badly on anything! And my chicken throwing was pretty on the spot. Everyone laughed at the transformation, though, which kind of sucked because you weren't supposed to be focussed on the eyebrow taking off part, but that's cool. At the end, everyone kept asking me if the kiss was real. YES.

But anyways. I'm going to try to beg my way out of writing the essay tomorrow, it's going to be brutal if I do have to write it.

both a little scared, neither one prepared

Holy fucking shit, I am so stressed right now I can't even express it. I don't want to have a test on Wednesday, or write an essay, because with the time I've had I'm not going to be ready for either. And I really don't want to start slipping this week, but I have a performance every day but Friday and it's all just too much right now. I haven't got my music down pat for Beauty and the Beast, and I'm really tired and crabby right now, and it feels like there's so much I have no control of right now, time in particular. I really want to write a good essay on Wednesday, but I have absolutely no idea what to write about, or how to write it. I guess that'll have to happen during my spare. Hopefully I'll be able to get some ideas from people who have already written the essay. But the test, ah ... I better start making flash cards.

Other than that, today was stressful but it was pretty good. Hanging around with the rest of the band today was relaxing, just anything they do is pretty hilarious. Between the first and second act, we sat in the dark in our (AWESOME) room, trying to get some rest, but suddenly everyone just started laughing and nobody got any rest. We just did random things in the dark. "HARDER! HARDER!" Oh my. By the time we were finally done running through the entire thing, we were all pretty much exhausted. But you know that things are pretty awesome when you can get changed in the same room as your ex without it being awkward.

Tomorrow I will wake up at 6:30 and go to wind ensemble, try to work on my essay and hopefully be able to do it confidently, present my social studies project, hope that I get to watch my bonus project in bio, and then it's opening night. I'm sorry if I'm angry, it's just that I hate life. Just kidding.