god?

I enjoy the fact that we're both lazy, because it gives us an excuse to just sit on your couch watch television together. Because I love it when I'm laying on your chest and your arms are around me, and then we switch around and you're laying on my stomach. And I love it when I look up at you, and you simply kiss me on the forehead. I love kissing you.

Obviously I am a couples person.

Today I had band practice at Gavin's, and after I had dinner with his family and we watched a lot, a lot of television. We were late leaving his house for one reason. He carried me out from his backyard to his driveway. It gets harder and harder to be away from him. Yesterday I played an interclub in the morning, and went to the outdoor pool with Megan and Mikki in the afternoon. In the evening I watched a movie at Gavin's house. On the weekend I slept over at Antoinette's house with my junior high friends. We (well, Antoinette and I, because Jacqui and Jade fell asleep) watched 27 Dresses and Definitely, Maybe and fell asleep at five in the morning. We woke up at nine and went back to sleep until 11, only because Maggie called for a ride. For breakfast, we had pancakes with ice cream and Cool Whip, with hash browns and bacon and it was AWESOME. For lunch we had white chocolate brownies and ice cream. After dinner we had brownies and ice cream. It was a good weekend.

listening to: jody - the dodos

if there's no one there, then there's no one there

I haven't seen you in three days, but it's felt like longer. I've really enjoyed our online conversations, but I love being with you even more because at least when we're silent, I can be close to you. I always want to be close to you. One day I want to sleep under the stars with you, I want to hold your hand and fall asleep listening to your heart beat.

It hasn't even been two months but it's felt like so much longer. It's felt like I've been with you for so much of my life, and I don't want it any other way. I'm glad you feel the same way. I have to admit, though, sometimes I get a bit scared. Even more scared than when we're walking across bridges. I'm afraid I'm not good enough for you, because you are so perfect. I've always been a bit insecure, and sometimes when I'm with you, I worry about everything because you deserve someone perfect, and I am not even close. Even though I know you love me, these things still run through my mind. I'm sorry that I never have anything to say, that I'm always quiet. I don't want to ever say the wrong thing. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me feel good in every single way, and I want to do the same thing to you. I just never know how. I want to let you know that there has never been anyone who has made me feel the way you do.

listening to: i want you to stay - maximo park

he hit me and it felt like a kiss

I just got my diploma mark, and I am disappointed. Not disappointed in the mark, I'm disappointed in myself because I was just so stupid as to not study or really care about it at all. Why? Why am I that way? I really could have done better and instead I blew it all off and screwed myself over. I wish I studied then. I wish that I cared.

The one thing that makes me slightly happy is my dad telling me not to worry about it, and that he doesn't seem disappointed in me. My AP mark was alright; this is alright. I'm alright. Next year I'm really going to strive and try to apply myself, because this year, although it was really a great year, almost felt like a waste.

there's just no one who gets me like you do

My friend Jacqui got back from Chicago two days ago. I have known her technically since preschool, but we never actually became friends until we were in grade four. We've been friends ever since, though. Actually, there's six of us who have been pretty close, despite the many frayed and patched parts of our relationships with each other.

So we went out for dinner last night. It was supposed to be all six of us, but then one had to work, and the other one just couldn't make it. After dinner, we ended up at my one friend's house, after getting gas and buying lots of icecream at Superstore. We played many, many rounds of Boggle, and then left to pick up the friend who was working. We then baked white chocolate brownies and ate them with the icecream, which tasted SO good. I would have had so many more but I simply was too full.

I never really see these friends until Jacqui comes back for winter or summer break, because they all live in the other half of the city, and frankly I can't be bothered to actually hang out with them because now that I realize it, we're just all so different. The fact that we're all friends is only because we went to a tiny junior high school, and the program we were all in was even smaller. It's all chance that we're friends; if we were in any other junior high, like SPB or Branton, I doubt we would all be friends. But here we are, eight years later, still looking back on all the good times that we had. Because we did have good times. I love them all with all my heart, but I don't know. It's just an odd relationship. Today Gavin remarked on the fact that we must not be really good friends if we don't ever actually commit to hanging out, or catching up, and I admit that may be true. But we spent six years - a large part of our lives - being friends, spending every single school day with each other, growing up with each other. To be honest, I don't mind the large gaps we've created, because when we do all hang out again, it's like if we've all built our lives out of dams, and we're just releasing all the water. And it's really fun talking about boyfriends and possible relationships and past relationships and just being excited about being around each other again.

listening to: mushaboom - feist

i'm setting my watch to chronograph

Holy man. The Dark Knight was crazy. We went last night to a sold out 10:00 show. We were there a bit over an hour early and yet there were still a bunch of people waiting. Actually, the whole place was packed with lineups to everything. The movie was so awesome, though; that had to be the most intense movie I've seen in a while. I was jumping and tensing my hands and everything. Gavin has a nice shoulder to lean on.

I'm going to work in less than an hour, and I'm really, really hoping that they did not schedule me for work tomorrow. Because that would suck. I want to go to the zoo tomorrow, and then band practice, and sometimes they just happen to schedule me on days that I'm really looking forward to.

There's been a lot of golf going on. Yesterday I didn't do any golf, so I'm guessing I'll probably go tonight. It's really taking my summer. I don't mind, but sometimes I wish I could hang out with people instead. But then, when I want to hang out with people, I end up just wanting to hang out with Gavin. I hung out with Gavin every day from Sunday to yesterday, and I love it. But I feel so bad, because whenever I want to hang out, I only hang out with him and I probably should call up other people. People are too busy though. But anyways.

listening to: mushaboom - feist

we'll collect the moments one by one

Yesterday I got up way too early to play golf at the Glencoe. I got home in the afternoon and left immediately to hang out with Megan, who is just the cutest person alive. We went to Kensington to look for a dress, a bathing suit, and a belt buckle, and found all of them. We stopped at Higher Ground, and we got chocolate, and then took the crowded train back home.

After dinner, I went to Gavin's game and watched his team tie the other. It was cold until the game ended. We went back to his house and then went to Diana's house with Alex and Kevin, and got there exactly at 9:07, like we texted her. We watched The Truman Show, which I hadn't watched since elementary school, since Diana had never watched it.

I had been up for a long time, and I was exhausted and as a result grumpy, and now I feel bad for the end of the night and for how much of a tool I must have been like. Tonight Alex, Megan, Kevin, Gavin, and I are going to go watch The Dark Knight, and I am going to wear the dress.

listening to: tonight - stars

when i die i'll hang my head beside the willow tree

Things that have been happening: my back is feeling a lot better. Gavin and I have seen Hancock. Woodpigeon has linked my blog. Chad VanGaalen's Willow Tree has been released on Stereogum, and I have listened to it a million times because it is just SO. GOOD. I spent two hours at the golf course last night practicing. I finally found tape and put up all the posters and pictures on my wall. I've started feeling slightly insecure about myself.

listening to: j.c.'s head on the cross - chad vangaalen

i want you to stay with me

It's been a good week. Provincials were a blast. I headed out with Casara and her mom on Monday, and we drove up to Rocky Mountain House. That day we played a practice round, and I didn't play very well that day, although it was probably because we used power carts, and now I realize that I suck when I ride in a power cart. I don't know why, but I do. Anyways. That night we went to Boston Pizza for dinner, and then we were so tired we just went back to our room and went to sleep.

The next day we woke early to get to the golf course on time. My tee time was half an hour later than Casara's, so I spent a lot of time practicing. I played with two younger girls I played with before; they're really nice. That day I played really well, and shot a 90, which felt awesome because it was the lowest score I had ever shot (I shot a 90 before). We went downtown to check it out and went shopping at a couple places for a bathing suit for Casara. At the hotel, we called up Ali and Christie to hang out, and we hung out in Christie's room with Christie, Ali, and Jen, watching TV and just talking for about two or three hours. We went to the only Chinese restaurant in town, and Casara had three bowls of jello and a bowl of icecream. It was funny.

We had to wake up earlier the next day because Casara had the earliest tee time of the day. I shot a 102, and didn't play as well because my pitching was off, and it was frustrating and it sucked because I knew I could play better, and it just wasn't working. The last five holes were a lot better for me, though. Casara and I went to the putting green and had a mini round. I lost and I owe her a golf ball. I owed her a golf ball from before when we bet what score a girl would shoot after shooting a 77 the first day (she shot a 90; I thought she'd shoot a 86 and Casara thought she'd shoot a 89). After we finished playing, Christie, Casara and I went to the pool and had a blast on the waterslide. It was like if we were little kids. We found out that if we blocked the water in the slide with our bodies, after we left all the water go you could go so much faster. We climbed up the waterslide and sat in there, and stayed at the pool for a couple hours before finally going out for dinner at Boston Pizza with Ali. At the restaurant, six other girls from the tournament that we knew were there, so we joined them. We made a bet how long the food would take to come, and Christie won three golf balls. There was a women's fitness contest on TV and the women looked disgustingly fit. And they wore weird costumes. We tried to take good pictures of Ali because she hates taking pictures.

On Thursday, I had one of the earlier tee times. My dad drove up to watch me play. It rained for the first four holes, but I was playing really well. On the fifth hole I messed up and shot a ten, which sucked but I played a really well back nine and ended up shooting a 93. It almost was disappointing, because without that ten I would have broken ninety. We went to the pool after the round again for two hours. Casara and I spiked a beach ball at each other, and I am actually scared of her because she spikes so hard. We went to Boston Pizza again for dinner with Christie and her dad.

I had a pretty sore shoulder from the waterslide, and my back muscle on my right side was hurting that night, and when I woke up Friday morning it was killing me. My tee time was at the same time so we had to wake up early again. I got ten minutes on the driving range before heading up to play. I got to play with Kristen Lee, who I had played with a long time ago but never had to chance to until now. We played with another girl, but she withdrew halfway through. My dad surprised me and came up again. My front nine was brilliant, despite all the pain I was in. I was making all my putts and I was doing really well! The back wasn't as great, but it was still pretty good. I shot a 88, my personal best and it was an amazing feeling. The walking scorer for our group was a guy my age, and he was really cool to talk to. He was really nice too. After we finished, we had to wait around for all of the groups to come so they could do final prizes and announce teams. I won low accumulated net for my flight, so I bought a new headcover (it's a donkey). I didn't make any teams, which was a bit disappointing, but there were a lot of girls my age who were playing really well, and I played my best, so I guess it's alright. I just with I could go to Montana with Ali and Christie, because this trip was such a blast.

I got a ride with Jen, and slept until Red Deer. I was so anxious to get home to see Gavin that the ride felt like it went on forever. When I got home, my AP results were on the counter. I got a 4! Gavin picked me up at my house, and the first thing he said when I opened the door was, "my heart beat faster just standing here."

We hung out at his house with Alex and Kevin. They were trying to build a soapbox out of a wagon, and one of the wheels broke so Alex was melting the plastic back. When we finally got it together, Gavin's dad took off the wheel so it was all for nothing. We managed to get the wagon down the road by leaning onto one side. Gavin pulled me in the wagon to the dump. After that, we went into his house and played pool, ping pong, and fooseball. We were watching Ocean's Eleven on TV until I had to leave, and everyone was tired so we all left at the same time. Gavin drove me home, and ... those last twenty minutes were amazing.

i know that i'm yours and you will be mine

I leave in approximately an hour and fifty minutes, to head off to Rocky Mountain House to play provincials. I'm so excited, this is the tournament I want to do well in. I want to qualify for a team, and play well, and just not embarrass myself. It's already going to be better than last year; this year I've practiced and I think I'm ready.

In fact, Gavin and I went out to the golf course yesterday so I could get practice in. I am so glad we got to hang out. We headed out there, and the first few holes I did not play very well, but I figured out why so the last holes were really easy. I almost got a hole in one! We kissed in the rain, as lightning and thunder roared over us, while waiting for the group in front of us to be out of hitting distance. It started raining pretty hard, and the lightning started getting pretty close, but we managed to finish playing nine holes.

After golf, we went to his house to watch Extreme Days, his favorite movie of all time. I liked it, but I liked being with him even more. After the movie ended, we just sat there on his couch. At one point, we stared into each other's eyes, nose to nose, and he looked so serious I was almost scared for a moment, like if something was wrong, or if something bad was going to happen. We were silent for minutes that felt way too long, until he finally said, in the quietest voice, "you are so beautiful".

And then I forgot to grab my golf stuff out of his car after he dropped me off at my house.

listening to: kc accidental - broken social scene

who would i save, or am i just not brave enough

It makes me so angry when people do not know when the store closes! Honestly. If you feel like coming in and just browsing around, here's a hint: don't come in when there are only five minutes until closing. It was past nine, I was dead tired and feeling sick, yet I had to wait for two guys to get out of the freaking store before finally closing the tills. It's happened so many times, I hate it. I hate people when that happens.

Other than working last night, it was a pretty good day. I woke up at 6:30 in the morning to get to the Calgary Golf and Country Club at 7:45. That place is fancy. I played a really good round (94) and won low net, so I got a sleeve of balls. And I got to see a whole bunch of my golf friends I haven't seen since last year, which rocked. They are so very funny. I can't wait until provincials, when we get to golf and hang out together.

After golfing, I went to my friend's birthday barbecue in Bowness. The food was really good, and my friends are really fun. They make me laugh so hard, I had so much fun! Unfortunately, I had to go early because I got asked to work. And if I worked last night, I didn't have to work on Sunday, which was perfect. I got home and played Rock Band with my siblings. Ballroom Blitz!

(Gavin comes home tomorrow.)

when you're away, when i am missing you to death

I will be blunt: I miss Gavin a lot. There are only four days until he comes back, and I don't think I am working this weekend, which is strange but kind of good. I will probably be able to golf during the day, then! I want to do all the things I always do with him. However, I can't, and the worst part of all of this is that although he comes back on Sunday, I leave on Monday for another five days.

I've been golfing for the past three days, and it's been good for me. I shot under 100 twice, and today we played best net, so we shot 13 under our handicap. I found someone with a synchronized game, it was really cool! I had a lot of fun. Tomorrow I get to play interclub, which will be sweet but my tee time is at 7:45 so that's not so sweet.