your heart is keeping time with me

He held his hand out as we sat side by side, after play fighting on his couch.

"So are we going to make this work?" I asked him, and I could feel a smile forming on my face.

"Are we?"

"Yes." I grabbed his hand, and he smiled.

"Then yes."

i mean nothing to you and you don't know why

Honestly, everything is driving me insane. Today at work, I'd get waves of fear every time I rung through a couple. This is getting so out of hand, I'm blowing everything out of proportion and I should really just relax and STOP THINKING, seriously! I am going crazy.

I have band practice today and of course that is a good thing for so many reasons.

Last night I dreamed of the Calgary Tower, baking cookies, and everyone in minuscule form. The only people I can actually remember in the dream are Jessica, Leslie, Adrian, and me. It was interesting, at least to me.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

The panic hasn't left my stomach, I don't think it'll leave until something is finally decided. I wish we decided something already.

Chemistry was boring and pointless, as usual. We didn't really do anything in band. The only thing I was looking forward to today was lunch, when I'd be able to see Gavin and we'd finally get our private talk. Except when he met me in the band room, we walked out with Cailey, Bronwyn, and Mikki, and Cailey walked outside with us, and studied her bio while we sat beside each other against the tree. When Cailey and I went back in, Bronwyn joyfully asked, "so, how was the special, super private lunch?" To which Cailey replied, "what special lunch?" It was weird to feel so amused yet disappointed at the same time.

It's kind of like this game I've been playing on my iPod for about a week. I always manage to get really close to winning, except a couple things get in my way, and I have to start all over again. And it's frustrating; I stay up until 1:00 trying to win this game, but always fail at the end. I stay up until 1:00 thinking about all of this, and thinking about what everything means.

On a better note, I thoroughly enjoyed bio. Except for when I totally collapsed after being spun in the chair .. my bone hurt. Talking to you made me feel like a hundred dollars, I'm so glad that I can talk to you about these kinds of things again. When bio finished, Gavin came by the room and walked with me upstairs, and when we had to part ways he gave me a hug that made me smile like an idiot all the way to math class. But then again, everyone was bouncing off the walls in math today. After the fire alarm, we got to leave, and I really wanted to talk to Gavin and maybe get it all solved, but he wasn't there.

I feel like such a dork, talking about him so much.

Mikki and I headed downtown, and I even couldn't stop talking about him there. I feel so weird gushing like this, thinking about him all the time. But anyways. It was really nice talking to Mikki about this stuff, and knowing that she understands. We made it downtown and parked her bike by the Olympic Plaza station to go to the Asian market. We went to Ling Maew and I met my sister's friends, who of course commented on how identical we looked. I bought a really cool photograph of a robot, and got five pins for two dollars. I really like my sister's friend, she is really nice. After we looked around at some of the other vendors, and ended up buying a pair of aviators each because they were two for twelve dollars. I want contacts so I can wear them! After that, we decided to walk to American Apparel, which turned out to be a huge mistake because we had to walk about twenty five blocks to get there, and it was crazy hot and our backpacks were heavy. I got two t-shirts at American Apparel, because they were nice colours, and they were comfy, and they were cheap. The gold track jacket was pretty cool. The sweater Mikki liked was too.

We headed back to the train station (via bus, thankfully), and it was super busy. And it turned out that bikes weren't allowed on the train until 6, which really sucked because it meant that Mikki had to bike home from there. I feel so bad, but she kept saying that it was okay. I hope it was.

I was planning on doing my homework outside, but then there was a thunder shower, so that kind of dashed my hopes. The invisible shield came in the mail today, it's on my iPod now. I finished my math homework, and that's good because now I just have to finish my bio. I'm not sure if I really want to do it right now, though.

And I can't feel anything with my tongue because I just had some pineapple slices.

please please please

WOAHH two posts in one day. Just had some things to say.

I had a good time at Amelia's, although I wish we could've stayed outside longer, life looks so good under the sun. I love Mikki's camera, I love the satisfaction when you hear the click. I wish I was an actual photographer, or good at taking pictures. Mikki also has a very comfy shoulder, it's useful for when watching Sleeping Beauty.

Went golfing again today. Before I made plans to go, I told Gavin that I was probably going, and since I was going alone, he offered to come and caddy for me, which may be the nicest thing, because it meant that I didn't have to carry my clubs, and I had company. He drove me there and back, the Honda is sweet. I love the golf course, especially when it's empty. I'm still afraid of the bridges. When he dropped me off, we had a short conversation about where we were. We don't know yet. My stomach still lurches all the time, I'm hoping I'll get the answer tomorrow.

"... so you think it would work?"
"i think it would work.

i really do."

I don't remember wanting anything quite as much as this. What a new feeling.

listening to: waste of paint - bright eyes

i can't pretend that i can't see the end

The weather was beautiful yesterday. Too bad we had to spend the morning indoors, in a gym. I forgot all of my music, and the tambourine somehow did not make it, which I was not pleased about because in some songs, that's the only thing I had to play. But anyways. It was alright, except for the fact that in some songs I had to air tambourine, and I probably looked like a foo-el. And I had to guess a lot on the notes I was supposed to play because I could not remember what I was supposed to play. It was funny, though, because I thought we had to play a certain song again, so I asked Mr. Paddock if I could see the conductor's score for it, and everyone in the front row looks at me funny while Mr. Paddock says, "we're done playing that forever!" Embarrassing.

After that we got to wait around, Gavin and I slid down slippery banisters, and people played rock paper scissors. We went on to sing one song, filed off, and I felt bad for Gavin because he had to wait a long time for us to finally finish. Oh, and let me say now that Ms. Levy's speech did not make much sense at all. And it was really long. Not great at all. Kees, however, had a sweet speech and Cailey, Suzanne, and I agreed it was good. We all put bets on how long we'd have to play Pomp and Circumstance. I had 7:08, most people had from seven to ten minutes. At the last minute, Haley (even though I didn't ask her) said five minutes. We ended up playing for 4:23 (yes, it was timed). Diana, Gavin and I headed to the train after. Diana took the train to Dalhousie and we headed downtown.

We missed the stop right by the bank, so we had to walk a ways back. On the way we passed a bunch of people working for Lipton packing away a inflatable something, and a busker with a cool guitar. It took a while at the bank because my account is messed up. But, I did get a new debit card and it feels good to have money again. We went for a search for food, which wasn't very effective because we talked the whole time and forgot to actually look. We went into the Glenbow because there was a cafe there, but it was expensive so we ended up going to the A&W across from it. There was no Mountain Dew. Anyways, it turned out that we walked past the Calgary Tower without even noticing, so we kept going the wrong way until we were on Macleod Trail. We walked to park and when we looked up, we could see the Calgary Tower a couple blocks from where we had lunch. So we walked back, and went up. It was a good day to go up; it was really sunny and I must admit that the city looks pretty cool from up there. Except for the construction sites right beside the tower.

After we spent a good amount of time up there, we decided to head back down and go to the park where we were before. We sat down by the pool, and it was so nice and warm that we both just laid on the grass. It was really comfy. When it was three, he had to head off so we both got up. Well, he kept poking me to get up, and when I finally did, he made me pull him up. He kept pretending to push me into the water. At one point, I was fighting against it and he just .. held me in his arms for a couple seconds before letting go.

When we got off the train, and had to head off to our buses, I remembered that it was International Hug A Musician day, so we hugged, except it was a bit longer than a usual hug. After I was on my bus, he sent me a text saying how he was glad I didn't make fun of him like the last time I did, and it made us both realize that we've only ever hugged twice, and he told me that he hoped it would happen more often. And he told me that he wanted to talk to me, about something specific I think, because when I talked to him again on MSN later, when I said goodbye, he said he still wanted to talk to me.

Since Tuesday night, my body's been having panic attacks that I haven't felt since that day in January, and it's making me nervous. I have no idea what he's going to say to me, I'm trying not to overanalyze everything but it's really hard right now. It's hard to not look ahead. I hope that what he says is what I want to hear, because after yesterday ... it's just so easy to talk and want physical contact. This suspense is killing me.

listening to: the past is a grotesque animal - of montreal

i'm not sorry

We went from a band trip to a choir trip, and I have no idea where we went, but the sky was so blue and everything looked so beautiful. There was a c-train that was always there. A lot of people I love were there, and I had my camera the whole time. I kept trying to capture the perfect moment but it always got ruined. At one point I tried to take a picture of the c-train, but there was a really weird setting on my camera that made it take a burst of pictures from different point of views. After Cailey, Megan, Mikki and I were hanging out in the hotel where we were staying, which looked like a really old, beautiful building, they suddenly disappeared and I had no idea where they went. So I called my mom and got her to pick me up so I could meet them wherever they were. So as we're driving, I see Gavin in a blue shirt waiting on the opposite side of the street for the bus, and my mom and I wave to him and he waves back. I keep trying to take pictures, but I'm unsuccessful. We then see a sign that says "shark tour" and we plunge into water, my mom's still driving and I'm freaking out because there are sharks swimming dangerously close and there's blood all around. But the thing I was freaking out about most was that my camera was still in my hand, and we were under water. Finally we get back onto dry land, and I meet up with Cailey and them but the first thing I do is turn on my camera, which I suddenly realize is a bad idea. My phone (which was in my pocket) still worked, and that camera turned on, but I could hear water splashing around inside it. And that's how it all went down.

i just won't have a future anymore

Today was such a gloomy day. It was so cold. Chemistry sucked. I really do not know how I did on my English essay, or my biology test, or my math test. Definitely not a great Monday. After my math test, which was last period, I was feeling not great at all because really, I pretty much sucked on my written, so I left the room feeling terrible. I ran into Elliot, and right away he lit up and gave me a hug, thanked me for the CD that he had not listened to and said he was excited to listen to it. And that made me feel really, really good.

I stayed after school all day because of French grad and choir, and I didn't really feel like going home and back again, so I stayed at the school until 6. I found a bunch of people I could hang out individually, until vocal jazz was over and I didn't really have anyone. Well, right after vocal jazz, Brittany saw me from across the room and just ran towards me, and it was awesome. I gave her the drawing I drew of her, and she laughed so hard, which was very great. People made me feel good today.

Being honest with you has made me so much more confused, I'm afraid that it was all a mistake. Or maybe it was really good, and maybe it's all a relief and maybe now something will happen. But I don't know now. Last night I had a dream that we were at school, and my locker was on the third floor. We were talking with some of our other friends, and suddenly I had to go up to get something, so I headed back up. Up there, I met some of my grade twelve friends, and so I started talking to them when suddenly you came up, and just right there you grabbed my hand and started holding it without anyone else noticing. A lot of other weird stuff happened, like a staircase that moved up and down that really creeped you out, and we spent the rest of my dream in there. But I remember the whole time that I wanted you down with me, holding my hand again.

I've had this dream before, I want it to be real so badly.

i don't care about anything but you

I had fun last night, I enjoy times when I'm with a group of people and all we do is sit around a table and just talk. Not like the murder mystery wasn't fun, but it got really elaborate and I was a bit tired. But anyways. Most times I don't feel left out, and I feel so comfortable around my friends, but then there's the odd time where I feel really left out, because I can't talk about anything when everyone's discussing teachers and memories they had at their old junior high, where they all went and that's how they all know each other. It's fun to listen to all their stories, but it's at those moments when I realize that it's not quite all the same. I'm never going to be able to sit there and say, "yeah, remember when we did this?" I could do that with my old friends, but I don't want to. And if I were to talk to them now, that's not what we would talk about, because that's not what we do; we joke around, and stay in the shallow area where nothing really gets discovered. And right now, when there are so many people to spend time with, it's harder and harder to stand still and create something. It's difficult to remember things now that every thing's going so fast, and so thank goodness for cameras and tape recorders.

and that's when i met you

It's funny. I'm different around my family than when I'm around my friends, and it's most definitely because they see me a lot differently than how my friends see me. At home I suck. At least around other people I feel happy. And around some people I just feel like I'm going to explode, I feel so great when I'm around them.

I don't know who I am, I doubt I ever will. I'm always going to be lost, but I like the view and the air smells good.

listening to: dooley - heypenny

i know you will not stay

You make me so sad sometimes.

listening to: m79 - vampire weekend

how am i supposed to pretend i never want to see you again

Things go full circle a lot of the time. Right now it's like a Venn diagram, with lines overlapping and I end up getting confused, just like in math class. The gap where everything overlaps is getting smaller and smaller though, I want to get closer to you and further away from .. someone else. Lots of things wear off, feeling disappear and it's left me with lots of thoughts and I don't think I'm confused, I'm just not going to do anything at the moment. You're definitely not doing anything. At least, I don't think so. I like when you put your arm around me, except I never know if you do it just because you're tired and want to get up the stairs, or if you're just trying to be subtle. I'm probably just overthinking all off this right now. But it's not fair. You're great, and it's hard not to fall into this trap. Especially when you just chuck a whole bunch of signals at me, just to watch me try to catch them all and work them all out.

It's funny. I get so many dreams with so many people whenever I care extremely for them, but you haven't showed up even once. I really do care for you, though. I can feel it when I'm around you, when you look at me and sometimes I just want to burn messages into your face. How can you say now that you don't feel this way too?

listening to: guru / sinnerman - plants and animals

i've tried telegraphs and birds that fly

My weekend was decent. I like hanging with Cailey, a lot. We did a lot of stuff. I stayed way longer than I expected, it wasn't until 10 when my dad picked me up. I didn't get to go hiking yesterday, but I stayed at home and finally started on the poster for Sled Island. And I'm pretty happy about it! The only thing my sister can say about it is that she likes boats. But anyways. I just have to colour it, and then I think I'll get actual poster paper and put it up in the band room, because it's the easiest place to put it. I kind of want to put it up somewhere else awesome, like at CJSW where people actually are interested in that stuff. But anyways. After dinner I went golfing with my dad, and it was comfortable. It was beautiful outside. On the last hole I chipped in a birdie, it was absolutely amazing. It felt good. I felt good yesterday. I feel good today, all the time, I felt good after we talked, and when you said goodbye (not because you were saying goodbye, but because you said goodbye).

Today in band, I got to play a lot of triangle. Chemistry was really annoying, my teacher is really annoying. We're doing labs tomorrow and I hate writing them up. I don't know if I have to finish my essay outline by tomorrow, but whatever. Taking the train with Kevin and Gavin was fun. Things are SURPRISING! I'm really in the dark! Right now I'm making CDs for people, because that's what I like doing best.

listening to: m79 - vampire weekend

it must be, it must be awfully nice living in paradise on earth

You know what's nice? Being stuck with amazing people for an entire evening. That was what it was like on Wednesday. Jessica was missing America's Next Top Model, so we spent the entire evening taking model pictures. I love Brittany, and how extremely funny she can be. After Brittany went to go talk to some other people about something, I finally found Cole and Gavin, and Cailey, Mikki, Megan, and Cole and Gavin dumped Megan into a garbage pit. We took model pictures outside, and they came out really nice because it was quite perfect day outside, and the sun was brilliant and it was very comfortable being there. "Mikki, you're not supposed to smile when we do Blood!" "Unless it's like Blood .. It's in you to give!" I had to head back in to get ready for wind ensemble, and ran into Brittany, and we went to go look for Jessica. We found Jessica and others practicing for choir, but regardless we managed to get Jessica to take more model pictures (it wasn't that hard, actually) on the stairs. Then we decided to take pictures by the elevator, which led to jumping pictures, which are exceptionally sweet. Then Jessica left for some reason, and then Morgan decided that she wanted to take some jumping pictures. After we asked Steve to take some of us three, but he never got the timing right so instead we got a lot of pictures of us preparing to jump. It was so funny I almost peed my pants, seriously. After that, I had to go warm up for wind ensemble, and I got to listen to them fail at memorizing their songs, and I left to go hang out with Brittany some more. Our performances weren't bad. The lights were really bright! We got to ride the riser down from choir, and somebody fell so we all laughed, even though we were supposed to be very quiet.

Our first song in choir after intermission was incredibly brutal. We definitely butchered that one, everyone forgot their parts and we ended up singing the guys part, and we faltered and it was just bad. Luckily we had Hairspray after, except I definitely made myself look like a tool because the keyboard wasn't plugged in and everybody had to wait for it, man. The symphonic band sounded pretty tight. I didn't really mess up my part in Blue Shades! And apparently I'm hilarious to watch, because I have to run around in the back of the stage, and I probably look like such a dork because I'm wearing high heels, so I have to pretty much prance around so I don't make too much sound. "Goodbye Earl" was really fun, Casey sang really loudly beside me. After the concert was over, I hung out with Brittany some more in the change room, and took a really awesome picture of Rebecca being a ninja cat, which is always awesome. I didn't get home until midnight that night because we had to go back to the school and unload all of the percussion stuff, which is never awesome. What are we going to do next year without Erik?

On Thursday Ms. Fehres didn't show up at class, so, being the AP students we are, we stayed in the classroom for half an hour doing nothing even though the sub we were supposed to have did not show up at all. And then we decided to make up our own schedule for bio, which was quite funny. The lab tech kept coming in, and when she saw the schedule, she laughed. It was a lot nicer than what Ms. Fehres had planned for us. But anyways. Later, Mr. Doak came in and decided that he would give us work to do, but at that moment the lab tech came back in and told us that we could all go, which was extremely sweet because it meant a week without bio, and no bio homework. Kaitlyn, Kim and I went to Starbucks in Kaitlyn's Hummer, and I finished my math homework there. We then headed back, and found Bonnie, Tim, and both Alyssas in the field. Math was decent, although Cassandra wasn't there because she's sick. In chemistry, we had a super boring class. Katie, Aidan, Kim, and I had a bet on how many people would not show up, and Kim won with seven. Only because in the middle of class, Mason, who sits in the front row, walked right out of the class with all of his stuff while Ms. Manoj was writing something on the bored. And she didn't even notice. That was definitely a class bonding moment, because everybody laughed and looked at each other, like God this teacher is super dumb! Yeah, that kind of bonding moment. In English we had a massive discussion, and I would've rather have band that day. Actually, I'd want band any day.

Today I went golfing, like actually golfing for the first time. Well, I only played two holes. But I was really happy about it, I'm hitting the ball a lot better, and this season is going to be a good season! I can't wait for Sunday! I am so in love with The Neighbourhood Council! What a talented bunch.

you missed my eye, i wonder why i didn't complain

I am happy! Mainly because AP is over. Also because I'm just at a point where everything is coming together, I am at equilibrium with my friends and family, and June is coming soon, and just everything in general is really great!

Today in chemistry there was a sub, so half of my class didn't even show up at the beginning of class. And then, while he was talking on the phone in the first fifteen minutes, probably five people left. Kim and I worked, and as we did, people just got up and started leaving. By the time there was only thirty minutes left in class, only five of us were still in the class. We played Boggle.

Elliot made my day today, it's just so sweet how he can be so amazed by the way I do percussion. Like, how I can play tambourine while at the same time reading The Advocate. Note: When you only have two parts, it's easy.

listening to: european oils - destroyer

it's enough to leave me crying in the rain

In my dream, we were in biology class. You were wearing a silver sparkly belt, and you looked so beautiful, and I just wanted to tell you all of that. But I chickened out in the end, I didn't say a word, and when the bell rang we got up and went our separate ways.

These dreams break my heart so much, I wish I had more courage so I could go up to you and finally start up a conversation. There is too much space on the internet, I'm just always so scared. I never know the right thing to say. My mind is broken.

Please help me.

listening to: going missing - maximo park

clouds part just to give us a little sun

I bought a new camera!

loved him like a winterbird

Monday is looming closer and closer, creeping like a ninja cat that breaks your camera.

My camera is broken. There's nothing I can do about it. The search for a new camera begins. I feel a bit empty without it ... after all, whenever we hang out, I'm the one holding the camera. I think I might try out our film camera. I love our old photos that we've taken with it. Plus, the case is attached to it, and you can't look back at pictures so I don't have a reason to give it to anyone else. I feel like such an idiot because of all of this.

But anyways. I love Emily Haines' voice, getting lucky on tests, chocolate chip banana bread, and burnt CDs.

listening to: satellite mind - metric

tell me how am i supposed to breathe without air

Gavin, Kevin, Diana, Adrian, and Dillip were trying to fly a kite in Hamptons field, so they invited me out and I met them there. We went to get coffee and cake right at closing, then rented Cloverfield and drove back to Adrian's house to watch it. It's still scary the second time.

You're cute when we play fight.

i can tell that we are going to be friends

A lot of things are happening. Life is going WELL!

But in better detail:
I really loved the extra touches today.
"Siu jie" just sounds better and better each day.
Biology sucks.
Let's get this shit out of the way!

And I didn't intentionally make it rhyme. Which reminds me, I think I may be getting some words strung together .. hopefully a song soon?!
Please?