the buildup lasted for days, lasted for weeks

What does facing disappointment feel like?

My hands are cold as ice. My legs are shaking, my heart is trying to slow down from anticipation. I can hear the dry sobbing in my mind. It's almost like heartbreak all over again. And I haven't even hit this disappointment yet for sure.

You didn't tell me your answer, and that's not fair. Please talk to me.

edit.

Disappointment did come. But at least it came with some relief. I don't regret telling you because I've been needing to tell you anyways. If you're moving on, I'm moving on.

It didn't stop me from crying while you said goodbye, though.

listening to: willow tree - chad vangaalen

called for you everywhere

There are ups and downs, and today was definitely an up kind of day, weird as it was. It started out with Kim picking me up to go to the theatre with her, her sister, and Chelsea. We went to Boston Pizza for a extremely long lunch, which was pretty good because 1)I didn't have breakfast so I was extremely hungry and 2)I ordered chicken tenders, which might just be my favorite food. I blame Ali and golf clubhouses. Chicken tenders and plum sauce is just too good.

We made it to the theatre just on time, and they ripped me off on M&Ms. We watched Twilight, which wasn't the best movie of my life but it wasn't the worst. It was mediocre. I had a good time nonetheless with the people I was hanging out with, though. I like listening to people, especially when I don't have anything to say.

I got home to an empty house, so I decided to play piano for forty minutes. I just practiced this one song that I really like but haven't played in a while. Final Fantasy is the man. When my mom and sister got home, my sister drove me to her friend's apartment because it was the only way I'd be able to get to my friend's concert on 17th Ave. We watched Gossip Girls, which I have to admit I'm a bit interested in, now that I've watched to episodes. Right as we speak, I am downloading the entire season one on my computer. Thank goodness for BitTorrents and external hard drives. The estimated time remaining for the download is about 3 days and 19 hours, though.

My sister dropped me off at Tubby Dog at 7:20, and my friend Jessica's band, The Throwaways, didn't start playing until probably 7:50. I ran into some of my friends (or people I was kind of acquainted with), and we definitely didn't fit in. The show was definitely for the punk scene, and I am not punk. The most punk thing about the whole of us was Karisa's skull patterned shoes. And believe me, they weren't punk (or "hardcore") at all. Jessica's set was only about fifteen minutes long, so we left shortly after because it just felt so weird and out of place. We went to a book store down the street, and Abbey bought a bunch of VHS tapes. I had some good conversations with Kate and Karisa, which was cool because I don't really know them very well. But they're really funny and it's nice to laugh. I couldn't get a hold of my sister, so thankfully Kate's dad drove me home, because I didn't want to hang out alone downtown, with a whole lot of drunk punks around. More interesting conversations ensued. I had a good time.

Last night I went to Gavin's worship at his church. I enjoyed it; it's given me a new perspective on things. I met some cool people, and I might just go to youth and the other small groups stuff that happens there. Who knows?

you gotta make mistakes, you're young

I never know why I always answer "fine" when asked how I'm feeling.  I don't feel anything but fine.  I feel uneasy, restless, tired, sad.  There are so many things other than "fine" that I'm feeling, but I have no need to feel these things.  All signs lead to fine, but I'm not.  I'm not fine.

Everything's such a contradiction now.  I want to hang out with people, but I want to be alone.  I want more time, but I want the days to go by faster.  I'm so happy, but with the most crippling feeling of dispair that sometimes it blinds me and I can't see anything but the wrong.  I feel like I know the things I should know, yet it never shows itself on tests.  I am such a huge hypocrite.  My mind wages battle on itself, coming up with ideas and plans and then going back on them and acting in a completely opposite way.  I want somebody to know and understand but I don't want to tell anyone about my problems.  My mind has created its own artifical drought, and my supply of thoughts has been cut off.  I'm choking.  And this is all wrong.  I keep telling myself that life is good, yet I don't see any good.  I am a waste of so much.  I feel so unneeded in disregarded by everyone, like I'm an accessory that's worn only when needed to highlight something else.  And there's nobody who knows me enough to know that I'm not fine.  It feels like all of this self-loathing is written on my face, and echoing from inside my mind, but nobody's reading hard enough; nobody's quiet enough to listen.  I am such an awful person.  It almost feels like I'm trying to conjure up more and more problems to weigh me down, but I'm not; it's like if an atomic bomb was dropped into my mind, immediately destroying everything in sight, and then seeping into everything else, slowing creating dangerous effects that grow after time.  This is the worst feeling.   I need to get out of my mind, or figure out what's wrong.  I need to fix myself.

don't get offended if i seem absent minded

I really wish that our guys and girls would've won yesterday, but I'm still really proud of our teams and I think that they both played extremely well.  I watched with Nancy, Mikki, Alison, and Bonnie, and it was a lot of fun.  The guys' game was extremely exhilarating, and my throat was pretty much bleeding after because Aberhart fans cheered so loudly to beat the Bowness fans.  We definitely were more united with our cheering.  After the game, I went to Mikki's house and had dinner.  Gavin, Kevin, and Alex came over an hour and a half later, and then Tess and Ciaran came.  We all went into the hot tub and had some conversations.  The hot tub made me feel so extremely sleepy, but it was nice just listening to everyone talk. 

Today I slept into until twelve, which felt really nice because I haven't done that in a while.  Today was more of a hang around the house kind of day, and it wasn't too bad.  I'm starting to learn how to play the clarinet.  So far I can play from F to B flat chromatically.  We're going to have roast beef for dinner, and it smells so good right now that my brain is drooling.

Last night was really good for the sole fact that Mikki and I had a really good heart to heart that I don't usually have on a daily basis.  She is just so easy to relate to, and I love listening to her talk, and talking to her.  For the past week my heart has felt so heavy, and it always feels like if I hit a problem anytime soon, I'm just going to lose it and burst into tears.  I'm not even sure why this is.  I'm trying pretty hard to move on, and to convince myself that now is not the time for what I want, but I guess I just have a small sense of jealousy that seems to kick in without me even wanting it to.  I don't want to be jealous.  I don't want to feel like I need him.  It just always comes lurking in the corner of my mind and infects all of my thoughts.  My life right now feels like oil on water; all of the great things in my life are there, but only floating on my crappy feelings.  I need a really, really big hug.

i'm seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

Two nights ago, I had a dream with so many parts that are blurry, I remember just one bit:  I was walking, presumably in a mall, by a rail when you came up beside me.  I put my arm around your waist, and suddenly you put yours around mine, and told me that you thought that we should try again.  I've never had something in a dream feel so real, but I remember how warm your hand was, and how comfortable and natural it was.  But a dream is just a dream, and it's nothing but wistful thoughts.  

Yesterday was the first day I've gone out with my friends and done something in a long time.  Megan and I went to Art Central right after school, and we visited the majority of the stores in there.  My favorite is still Uppercase.  After, we were about to exit when we discovered that there was a roof park.  So we went up there and got a great view of the c-trains, the streets, and the Calgary Tower.  After that, we decided to walk to TD without going outside, which required going a long way around using the +15 walkways.  On our way, we ran into Stephanie N, Jenny, and Stephanie D, and we decided to race to TD because we were going opposite ways.  They won, because Megan and I accidentally went the wrong way once.

After we got to TD, we went straight to the train and headed back to Megan's house for dinner.  We watched the beginning of Get Smart with her sister and her friends, and then we headed to the theatre to watch Quantam of Solace with Kevin and Gavin.  It turned out that the show we wanted to catch was sold out, so we went to Paul's house and hung out there for a while.  We watched Tokyo Drift in weird colours.  After that, we dropped Megan off at Crowfoot and went to Stephanie D's house to watch a movie.  We went down to her super nice house and played pool and Rock Band.  Finally, at like ten, we started watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  I am such a chicken when it comes to horror flicks.  The whole time, I was hiding under my pillow beside Kevin, who is pretty scared of horror movies too.  It was pretty fun.  Gavin kept trying to take the pillow away and make me watch, but I hate seeing people get their body parts destroyed.  At least I actually watched most of the movie.  And I didn't get any nightmares!

i'm going to roll through the warmth without you here

My throat hurts and my hands are sore, but I haven't been filled with so much school spirit in a while.  Nancy and I watched the senior girls' volleyball team play in the semi-finals, and it was actually terrifying to watch.  Advancing this round didn't appear as easy as beating Bishop Carroll.  I came from band in the middle of the second match, and Nancy told me that we had won the first game 25-12.  Unfortunately, when I sat down, we were tied 11-11, and Beaverbrook scored nine uncontested points before we finally scored five more points and ended up losing.  Nancy and I were honestly sitting there with our heads in our hands.  Spikes were getting blocked, serves were either too short or too long, and the second hit always seemed so unsure.  However, we came back in the third game with a dominating 25-14 win.  It was a shaky start, but before long, they were finding the gaps and spiking without returns.  We were racking up points and the crowd was going crazy.  This match was ours; we were meant to go to the finals.

Of course, you have to fight hard to get to the top, and the girls went neck and neck, constantly tying, or mere points away from each other.  Aberhart went ahead, and then Beaverbrook, and the score constantly juggled back and forth.  Once Beaverbrook was up 19-17, Nancy and I were shaking in our seats.  But the girls stepped up, and answered Beaverbrook's obnoxious cries by tying the score.  Then we were a point ahead.  Two up.  Three points up.  Suddenly it was 24-20, and we were all waiting for the definitive spike to end the game.  We lost the serve and the point, but, determined not to let go, they set up the ball perfectly and slammed one down into the other side of the court.  Beaverbrook couldn't return it, and the gym was in an uproar.  We're going to city champs, baby.  And in the most exciting way possible.

i don't care what they say, i'm in love with you

This day has been nothing but thoughts.  As much as I want and need you, it just might not be good.  School is good and my friends are great.  Our relationship right now is at a good point.  I might as well not ruin things.  This cut runs extremely deep.  I guess it's going to take longer than two months, but nonetheless it will heal?  We'll have to see how things turn out.  I think my conscience is warning me of things.  I am almost absolutely sure that you don't want the things that I do.  Nothing adds up, but if we look at the entire reason why I feel like a mess, it makes sense.  You don't want me.

I had a good talk today.  These days it's so easy to take everything and internalize it.  I never told anybody what I told you, even though the words form so clearly in my head.  I just really wanted to talk to you, and I'm glad I did.  You are a really good listener and a really great friend.  I was afraid I wouldn't know how to say things, even though I so badly needed to let it all out, but with you things are so easy.  Thank you so much.

i hope that he keeps you up for weeks like you did to me

I had a really vivid dream last night that I actually thought was real, except for some unknown reason I woke up and of course I never got to finish it.  Anyways, it was three in the morning at that time, and I decided to type it all out on my iPod so I wouldn't forget it.  So, here it is, transcribed by my half-awake mind:

"The whole dream takes place at night.  I am home alone in my house, in my mom's room when some random boy comes in with a bunch of plates.  We both hide beside a drawer against the wall.  A police officer comes in and searches, the kid moves from the drawer to under the side of the bed opposite the officer.  The officer looks under there and catches him.  We both book it.  For some reason the officer just stays there.

I'm hanging out outisde when I run into Cole.  He's going to play a school soccer game so I tell him I'll come watch.  He's practicing his kick from a long ways away while I eat my dinner.  I wash all of my plates and put them in a random rack by a house.  Cole is kicking the ball into a tree.  He comes by to get the ball, and his friend comes by and tells him he's kicking really well.   Warren Chong suddenly opens the door of the house and sees the plates.  He's really angry and he tries to find out who did it.  I grab the plates and Cole and I run inside and into a bedroom exactly like my mom's.  We both hide beside the drawer.  He comes into the room and I move to the side of the bed opposite from him.  Warren goes and looks under the bed.  I try to get up so I'm kneeling and my head isn't under the bed but he sees my legs.  Cole and I book it and for some reason Warren stays where he is.  (For some odd reason, Cole is narrating what we are doing from this moment.)  We run outside, down the street in the shadow of the trees because now the cops are after us too.  We make it down and around the corener, where his house is.  The plates mysteriously disappear.  Tamara (who, for another strange reason, is his girlfriend) drives by in a small tan car her dad is driving, because they're picking Cole up to go to the game.  I sit in the back and Cole sits up with her dad.  I introduce myself to her dad, and he tries to introduce me to Cole, although we already know each other.  Cole informs him of this by saying, "well, if I didn't know her, we wouldn't own a car together!"  There is a huge rose in the front, with the flower part cut off, from Cole.  Tamara has the flower part.  The stem is like a tree branch.  Out of nowhere, Cole gives Tamara a normal size rose.  He also pulls out a plate of tiny cut sausages and offers them to everyone.  I think about the fact that this is the craziest night of my year."

I had another dream after that one, but I didn't write it down and I wish I did.  All I can remember is that it had something to do with a c-train, and my older sister crossing the tracks to get something and stopping the train in order to cross back.

there's nothing to keep my fingers warm

Honesty was how I got you, maybe it's how it can fix things.  It's so strange how willing I am to talk about this on a public blog, yet I am too scared to tell you any of this.  I'm afraid that you don't want the same thing as me, and that it will ruin our friendship.  But this is how things were like before June, and look at what happened.  I fell in love with you.

I want to win you back, not because this is a game, but because I really need you.  Because I feel like I'm on the wrong level of happiness, and the only way I can level up is to be with you.  I am totally fine without you, but it feels so wrong that we are not together.  I know I sound really desperate and dumb but I think about all of this all the time.  I think about all of the things we used to do and I miss it all so much.  It's so constant, like a fog horn ringing through my head in the wrong key.  You may think that this is the right path, but to me this is such a huge mistake.  I told you that I wouldn't have changed anything, but honestly, I would have changed the ending.  We have taken the wrong path.  It's getting me deeper and deeper into this thick forest, and I feel so lost.

I want to tell you all of this, but I don't know when the right time is, what the right words are, or if you feel the same way.

listening to:  this lamb sells condos - final fantasy

i know we're going to be the lucky ones

This week was so short and I loved it.  The school stuff that was supposed to worry me didn't; I felt okay about my social studies essay, my social studies and math test went well and I didn't feel all freaked out about it like I usually do.  My report card was good, and I'm almost done my university application.  I drew a logo for my sister's friends' podcast, and the two frustrating days spent on the tablet PC was really worth it.  Natalie loved her birthday present, and her dinner was really, really fun.  I love hanging out and talking, especially when you're surrounded by the most hilarious people.  Diana drove Mikki, Kate, Ramon, and me home and it was pretty adventurous.  Her reaction time to braking is actually terrifying.  Grad proofs came back yesterday, and I'm actually happy with how they turned out.  For once, I actually looked good.  My friends are amazing and they're trying to convince me to choose photography as my career, but I don't think I'm there yet, and although sometimes I doubt my choice of computer sciences, I think I will enjoy it and I think I'll like web design.  Hopefully everything will work out with me that way.  I'm going to have to go to guidance and check to see if I have all of the right courses.  I'm pretty sure I do.  I'm doing a drawing right now of a zebra, and it's making me remember how much I love drawing.  Last night, I had a strange dream about watching volleyball or playing it.  My alarm made me forget it all, and I only remembered the fact that Cole was in my dream

listening to:  do the whirlwind - architecture in helsinki

i loved you the most

We always end up having these serious conversations, I don't know how. Whenever it happens I can feel my heart pound louder and slower while it rises up in my chest. But thank you for that.

I guess we've both come to the conclusion that this is where we will be, despite the fact that I miss you and you miss me. This is our best decision. How anti-climatic, but it's the way life is. You are someone I could spend my entire life with, even if we're just friends. It's just all in the way I can tell you anything, no matter how personal it is. It's because I still feel natural in your arms, and I love your company. I hope you are going to stay true on your promise of being my grad date, because honestly, I can't see anyone else but you.

good things come to those who wait

I'm not going to lie, today's practice was kind of painful.  Firstly, I am not completely over you, so it hurts me just a little bit when you say that you're learning phrases in Japanese and Chinese to ask girls out.  Secondly, when we were talking about Matt being whipped, it reminded me of that day we went to the mall.  There will always be a part of me that will always love you, that will make my hands feel tingly when I think about you and hurt me when I'm supposed to be alright.

Also, it's strange to have someone sing a song you wrote about them breaking your heart.  And know that it's about them.

hours of asking if you were fine, and saying i was fine too

I am shaking off my habits of procrastination! Well, kind of. I worked pretty hard on my social studies essay this evening, I really want to do well on this. It's strange to see how my thoughts are on paper, because I'm always trying to string them together and make them cohesive, but somehow when I look over what I wrote, it doesn't really come off that way. I wrote a lot for my exploration; hopefully I'll have enough for my arguments. I'm not exactly following Mr. Price's outline, but I feel so much more comfortable with Mr. Beland's way, and with my own written out outline that hopefully it'll make my essay good enough for him not to mind.

I need to start writing again! My thoughts used to flow so endlessly. I used to think a million different things right before I went to sleep, and now it's just .. blank. Or they're all too concentrated. Sometimes I dislike change, when it takes away the good parts about me. What's so great about me now? It feels as if I've lost all of my special qualities, and I'm the same obnoxious person I was when I was younger. When am I ever going to grow up?

"Soon we'll make a habit of it." What I should've said, instead of telling you that I'd punch you, was that it really wouldn't be a bad habit. I miss hugging you, I had forgotten how nice you smelled, and how comfortable it was to be so close to you. Although, if you push my hat over my eyes again, I might actually have to punch you.

i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to say

On the day that the first Black president was elected, I wore my CJSW toque to school. I got yelled at by my parents. I sent the first issue of The Iconographer to be printed. My life is not exciting in any shape or form, which is depressing because where is everyone I used to hang out with all of the time? What happened to my weekend plans, and the Friday night adventure? I need to get in touch with some people. I wish I lived closer to cooler places, so I could just go and hang out whenever. Instead, I live on the peak of a hill, which makes it tough to be able to bike anywhere. Plus, I have a super paranoid mom who won't let me bike anywhere. Maybe one day I will buy another disposable camera, so I have an excuse to lead an exciting life. I really love photographs. I also decided that I either want a million disposable cameras, or one super nice DSLR camera. One or the other.

Gavin and I just had a really enjoyable talk, it seemed pretty normal. We had our battle of synonyms. We talked about television, and The Birdseed Shirt, and hockey. Somebody owes somebody else a hug. I guess secretly (well not so secretly anymore) I am still trying to win his heart. It's not working, but we're becoming better friends than before.

and when will a time come i could hear a sad love song, that doesn’t speak to me

There were so many times I was recollecting the past. It is way too easy to look back at everything, what with saved files and past messages. I've been trying to live my life as normal as possible lately. I went back and looked at our MSN conversations way back from last year, when we were just getting to know each other. We were such amazing friends, and honestly, I can't wait until we get back to that. Or at least I'm hoping that we do get back to that. Now that I think about it, though, it probably will never get back to that because people change and things happen (like what did), but we've got so many months ahead of us to click again. We're getting close now. I'm going to trust that we can still work in this way.

On another note, my weekend has been pretty nifty. Halloween was sweet! I went as an alligator that I made out of cardboard and took me a while to make. Kevin's costume was the sweetest thing ever. My classes were super slack because nobody really wants to work on Halloween. After that, Mikki, Megan, and I went to Safeway and shopped in our costumes. We then went to Goodwill, and then to Amelia's house for dinner and to watch Black Sheep. What a weird horror movie! On Saturday I worked at Golf Town for the first time in a month. I got to work with Kristi, which was funny because she wasn't even actually scheduled. I had a good time with her, we talked and caught up a lot and it was just so easy to be around her. Probably because she's only a year-ish older than me. And she's so friendly and talkative. Today is my sister's birthday, so we got her 30 Rock (which we are watching now) and went out for sushi, and had a sweet cake. I burned my fingers lighting the candles but they're alright now. I think tonight I should go to bed earlier because I'm always tired. Oh! Also, my disposable camera pictures came back, and they took really nice and now they're on my wall making it even more awesome.