the love that they grew in the summer froze

Feist! I am listening to her performance on a radio show from Friday. I like Feist. A lot. My sister calls it a "lady crush", but so what? Why is it a bad thing to truly appreciate an artist's talent? But anyways.

I am a bit embarrassed to say that I didn't get into Feist until last March, when my younger sister asked me to go to her concert with her, and I reluctantly agreed. I gave Feist a listen so that I knew what I would expect when I went to the concert, and man, I fell in love with the songs. It was all I listened to, non-stop, for many, many weeks. And then The Reminder came out, and it was brilliant.

I am very glad I went to this concert. Before that, I had only really listened to Mushaboom. I remember this one night, when my older sister and I were walking in the night to go take a look at a dead rabbit on the road, we discussed that song and sang it along the way.

Going to this concert also got me into Chad VanGaalen.

listening to: 1 2 3 4 - feist

did it fill me with so many secrets, keep me from loving you

Today I worked alone, even though I think another girl was scheduled to work with me. It was pretty good, although sometimes there would be a mad swarm of people and I'm only one person! I was returning somebody's golf club today, and I accidentally charged it twice on his card. I make a lot of mistakes at work, I'm surprised I haven't been fired yet. Next week, I will do everything without a mistake! I am going to try my hardest. Everything is a lot easier now than it was before. It's weird, I've been working for just over a month. It hasn't felt that long! Although it may be just because I only work once a week. During lunch, I finished up my biology.

I wrote some people some notes during work, on the back of receipts. They aren't people I usually write notes to. I really love writing notes. I love receiving notes even more. I am excited for Monday, when HOPEFULLY I will get a whole bunch of them. It feels so easy to write notes these days. It's harder to write blog entries.

you're smart, for a girl

I had a spare and the Terry Fox run was this morning, so I got to sleep in. I woke up five whole minutes later than I usually do! And I got to school in time for my spare. It was perfect timing. I spent the time writing a note to Abbey, which I think may be the best note I have ever written.

During band I played the triangle, which is the most amazing percussion instrument to play. Not even lying. Well, the crank instrument thingy is pretty cool too. I sat beside my trumpet friends while I played, because standing in the percussion section gets lonely, and it is just more fun to demonstrate how I play the triangle for eight whole measures!

After school, Heather and I went to go pick up her ticket, and it was my very first internet person encounter. She was about half an hour late, but she was nice and it took at the most two minutes. We ran into her again when we were getting Subway.

We ate in a park, which was very good for my soul. And then we played hide-and-seek. I loved it.

listening to: i feel it all - feist

i'm sick, you're tired, let's dance

It was like everything today was just a joke. A good joke. I laughed a lot today. There were so many people today who made me happy. Thursdays were always my favorite day. I like when I play the glockenspiel all alone in band, you can hear the chimes reverberate off of the sound. It's really nice. My cabins for band camp and choir camp are so sweet. I'm going to have a lot of fun this time around. We are already planning everything. Band camp is very, very soon!

I redact what I said yesterday, I was drunk. No, I wasn't, but I was wrong. Sorry. I'm a jerk.

i was waiting for you

I am so tired of being let down. I'm being let down every single day. I'm always hoping or expecting for something in particular to happen, and it never does. I am so tired of waiting. I am tired of trying, and failing, and just always feeling hurt. I lied when I said that I've never been walked anywhere before, I'm sorry. It just doesn't happen often enough for me to realize it. I just feel like I'm always the one walking someone else, walking somewhere else, walking nowhere, walking just to spend more time. Today Jocelyne stayed with me in the band room while I practiced, and that made me feel like a million bucks. That is, until she left to go hang out with Leslie. But then she came back.

Obviously this friendship doesn't mean anything to you, I honestly feel like you don't care. I rarely see you, and when I do, it always seems like you don't want to talk to me. I am tired of trying and failing. I am not even that surprised, it's not like this has never happened to me before. This is why I'm so wary of trust.

relax, take it easy

After choir this morning, I went with Cailey and Megan to the art room, so I could just chill (and maybe study) while they did their art enrichment. While I was sitting there, suddenly Ms. Marriott comes and tells me that I should join art enrichment, because it would be a lot of fun, and I would make a lot of friends (because Megan and Cailey told her that I had no friends). Before I knew it, my name was being written on the sign up sheet, and I was cutting out a hummingbird for my bowl. I don't even know what's going on.

It's such a problem for me. I just can't say no to anyone, I always feel so guilty when I do. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I end up doing it even if it hinders me doing so. I'd walk a completely opposite way with someone just so that they wouldn't have to walk alone. Or I'll bring my laptop to school almost every day so Jocelyne and I can watch stuff on it, even though it is inconvenient and makes my backpack really heavy. Or, I'll join things like choir and art enrichment. I was seriously so close to joining wind ensemble today, even though I know that I don't have enough time for it, and that I don't want to be in it if none of my friends are in it. Plus, there are people I dislike in wind ensemble, and if I have to share a room with them when they go to Vic Louis, I swear I'd go crazy.

I wish I could write about things that people actually gave a fuck about.

montreal might eat its young, but montreal won't break us down

I think I am finished my lab, I think I am finished my lab! It took me three hours to finish, not counting the time it took this morning and over the weekend. I am really hoping that I get a good mark on this. Lately my school marks haven't been very high, and I know people are going to say "blah blah blah 80% is really good" but in my family it is not; it is almost like failing. I feel so stressed out these days because of school, and I need to start working even harder to start raising up my mark.

It's making me think that maybe it's not a good idea to go to band camp, choir camp, the bio trip, or the Banff trip. But it's going to be so fun! I am going to regret it all when I end up swamped in homework, but right now I don't necessarily care. There is so much I can take at a time.

I need to get myself a journal sometime soon. Somewhere I can write my thoughts that I don't want to write here. I also want to buy Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, because I love that book and I need to read it again. Maybe three or four or a million times more.

Tomorrow I will wake up at 6:30 and take the bus, so I can get to school at 7:15.

i read your diary it said: i was a good son

I went out skating today with my dad and my brother, I haven't gone skating in such a long time! I think my brother is my favorite sibling, I am not even joking. He is so much fun, he's so cute, and he is hilarious. It's just the way he is. We even have an awesome handshake. Ah I love him.

I am in a Final Fantasy mood. I am really sad that I can't go to his show.

listening to: grim fandango - final fantasy & cadence weapon

i flooded my sleeves as i drove home again

I had a dream last night that some people and I were getting tattoos so we could get change for French Fries. I wonder what kind of tattoo I would get if I ever wanted one?

if the dizzying highs don't subside

I over analyze everything to the DEATH. Even the simplest comment sets my brain off. I spend so much of my time worrying about certain actions. It gets to the point where I'm obsessing over things I said hours ago, and I'm trying to decipher a laugh from months before.

Last night, I was trying to answer a question for English asking for the poet's feelings on a certain line. I couldn't get it. When I finally asked my dad, he gave me the answer that I had known, but refused to use. I kept thinking that there was a deeper underlying message to the whole poem that I couldn't see. I'm always doing that. I can never accept the fact that the answer could be that obvious. My mind can't grasp the fact that things could be that simple.

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes.

listening to: it's cool to love your family - feist

lonely lonely that is you, lonely and so untrue

Nothing exciting actually happened before 1:50 today. Spare, I studied. English, I actually worked. Lunch, I studied. Biology, I counted yeast cells. Social studies, I did a test. So I was really glad that Heather and I were hanging out. We had to run for the c-train and I almost wiped out running down the stairs. My eyebrows look really good now! So do Heather's. We got trapped in an elevator for like a minute! It was all very exciting.

Yesterday all of my homework finally built up, and everything I held off doing is now due right after the weekend is over. I finally realized how hard everything is, and how I really have to start managing my time better. It's like if reality gave me a swift kick in the ass. Oh wait, that happened too yesterday.

missing him like a heart attack

So choir had just begun, and I sit in the chair behind Megan.

"Hey Megan!" I say, because I had only seen her for a couple minutes today. "Fancy seeing you here!" she replies. We talk for thirty seconds when suddenly she exclaims, "hey, you stole my phrase!" "What phrase?" I ask.

"'Fancy seeing you here!"

"Uh, Megan, you said that."

it's wrong to want more than a folk song

Today was a good day in such surprising ways. It's not like the whole day was overall great, but everything little just built up, and I'm happy today.

Dark Harvest is a terrible movie. I mean really, really terrible. I want to burn my eyes with cyanide after watching that. But it was fun watching with Jocelyne. It was just so horrendous, we laughed through the entire thing. Especially the Christmas-light eyes that were supposed to be scary. As if.

The only productive thing I ever do in social studies is write Abbey notes. Seriously. I could probably learn more just reading the text book than being in class. We have to make newspapers dated in the time of the French Revolution as groups, and I have to do the editorial. I only actually like one person in my group, too. Jesus Christ, social studies sucks.

Biology was pretty good today, aside from the test. Which, actually, I didn't find too bad. I don't feel like doing any homework today, even though I know I should. Thanks for the playlist, Heather!

Cross country was even pretty good, too. I didn't walk at all, and I didn't come in last! Even though I had the worst cramp in my stomach, and my arms were really cold, and my legs were so tired! Grace was so nice, and she is so modest! Congrats with first! And thanks for walking me back to the school, it was nice. I like talking to Grace. She is the nicest person I know!

Even the really small things were brilliant today. Like both notes Abbey gave me. And when Natalie told me that I had nice writing. And when I talked to Cailey for a minute before class started. And walking to the C-Train station with Heather. And talking to Jen for the first time in a long time, and having an actual conversation. And Grace's sister telling me that I did good, even though I came in 96th and she came in first. It seems like every day is like this. It just depends on how many trivial things happen.

ready to bolt at the first sign of failsafe

Some days it doesn't take much to bring down my mood. Like when Cailey laughed at me for playing golf and liking it during band. That followed by being yelled at for talking to her and Jocelyne during class, and them laughing at me. Everything that was even just a little negative today magnified. My younger sister made fun of me twice during dinner, and then I told her that I hated her. I couldn't tell if I meant it or not.

I tried studying for the bio test tomorrow, but I think I know most of it, and I stopped paying attention. And I've stopped caring a long time ago. I just don't feel very enthusiastic about anything.

There was a toddler watching Dora the Explorer on an iPod on the bus today.

listening to: all the old showstoppers (demo) - the new pornographers

before the machines got built, and before there were laws regulating free will

Please, please, please, help us escape!

Today was an good enough day. I went in to school earlier than I should have, but I guess I got a lot done. During English class, Jocelyne and I made the worst love poem ever. It made everyone laugh, though, so it was all good. Jocelyne couldn't even go through the entire poem without breaking down! It was even funnier when nobody laughed at Haley's poem, though. Mythbusters?!

My head started hurting, and I felt sick all day, but biology was fun. I impressed this guy in social studies by saying that I loved Broken Social Scene. I actually ran well today, which is weird because I felt shitty all day until I started running. It made my heart hurt, but that's alright.

I took the train home with Angela, and it was fun talking to her. I guess when you don't talk routinely, everything builds up and it's so much easier to have a conversation. We are going to have TV marathons on Sundays!

I walked home alone and planned my evening.

listening to: how my heart behaves - feist

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine

I've been doubting so many things about myself these days. Mainly it's the things I have to try to remember, or the things I say, and all the things I've been doing. It always leads to me worrying, and then I have mini panic attacks until the inevitable finally happens. Everything that happens to me is always the thing I worry will end up happening. Apparently, my brother gets this too.

I didn't really have anything to do this weekend, so I drew a lot of stuff on Facebook.

My life is a joke. The dry kind that is so not funny, you can't help but snort in pity.

me in my boat searching for he

My (UNIVERSITY ATTENDING, 90% AVERAGE ON HER DIPLOMAS) sister borrowed my calculator this morning. "Allison, it's not working. Are the batteries dead?" She changes them, and tries again. "It's still not working. Dad, these aren't dead either? What is wrong with this calculator. Allison, what did you do? When was the last time you used this calculator?"

I tell her last June. "What?! You mean it's just been sitting in your backpack all this time? What is wrong with it? WHY ISN'T IT WORKING? HOW AM I GOING TO DO MY MATH? Not even the backup batteries are working!"

"Can I see it?" I say, and she hands the calculator to me. I open up the battery case.

"Angela, you put one of the batteries in the wrong way."

feeling like i'm number one

A brilliant way to start work: arrive an hour later than you were supposed to, and then drop your water bottle, exploding water everywhere, including the front of your pants. I feel so bad for Curtis, he had to work the till for me and then mop up all of the water.

Other then that fiasco, work was pretty alright, albeit slow. We gave away Gillette razors, apparently the joke "What, are you saying that I need this?" never gets old. The "so I can shave some strokes off my game" one was pretty good though, I have to admit. Today was the first time I worked 7 hours, and it wasn't too bad. Next week I work 8 hours. Everything is so flexible, I get to come in at eleven so I can play basketball in the morning.

I like working.

your christmas cards can't comfort me

I'm going to try to just write anything that comes into my mind, because this is extremely hard for me when I think about everything way before it actually happens. I'm doing my homework right now, and I just realized that I don't care about what I am learning about at all. Yet I don't want to do bad at it. Everything these days seems so mundane. I feel so jaded, like everything doesn't seem so impressive anymore. I don't think I really care about anything anymore.

I feel like such a jerk these days, like maybe I'm finally being my true self. But I don't want to be a jerk. I should probably think about the things I say before I actually say them, because after I run through these things in my mind after, I feel horrible. Back when I was in elementary school, I was the biggest asshole ever. I don't know why, but I even tried to be. I disgust myself. I'm going to try to change. I feel so devoid of thoughts, it's like everything just slips through. Maybe I don't care about things enough to discuss them.

These days I feel really shallow. I can't get deep into anything, why don't I care about anything? Why doesn't anything provoke thoughts anymore? Why does my day always sound really boring?

Why do I feel so lonely so often?

i'm so lonely and i wish i was the moon tonight

I finally got my banking information today, and then stopped by work to drop it off. Greg gave me my cheque, which was very awesome. I finally found out how much I am getting paid! It's pretty good, it's more than what my sister's getting paid to make coffee. I'm going to laugh so hard at her when she gets home.

I'm actually kind of excited to go to work tomorrow. It's not like I have anything better to do on the weekend.

you are my alligator

Honestly, the thing I like most about writing notes is that it gives me a chance to see you.

listening to: the simple story (with jane birkin) - feist

the most tender place in my heart is for strangers

It feels like my life is going a straight line, right now. I think I am finally comfortable with myself, and where I am right now. I don't get those weird paranoid attacks anymore, where I worry profusely about everything around me. I enjoy the routine my life has become, actually. I like knowing that at a certain time every day during the week, I'll be seeing a certain person, or group.

I am so content with everything right now. It's hard to post an entry when you don't have anything to complain about, or when you didn't have anything interesting happen to you.

listening to: la sirena - feist

i am somebody else

Classes are so BORING, I wish it could be spare every class. Jocelyne and I watched TV shows on my computer today. I couldn't get the "Let's Go To The Mall" song out of my head for two hours, seriously. It's gone now. I guess it's like the Game.

I lost the Game.

Sorry Grace for not going to cross country. I have a million reasons why I don't want to go, but the main one is that I don't like it. Seriously. But I will try to go to all of the rest. Very unhappily. I don't see how I will ever be able to like running, I hate it so much right now. There is no pleasure in the aching cramps I get, and the painful, aching feeling in my calves. So I'm glad that I didn't go to cross country, even if it means that Grace will be giving me the silent treatment.

I opted for hanging out with Heather for twenty minutes instead. And it was far more enjoyable.

listening to: super trouper - camera obscura

i'll find you and i'll kill you

I can't believe how long it has been since we have actually talked! I really enjoyed it, it made me remember exactly why I liked you so much before. Too bad it's not like that anymore. Too bad things change. But today was so easygoing, and it was just so natural. I am going to make a better effort to talk to you, because it is definitely worth it.

Today was a really good day. All of my classes felt so slack. Social studies bores me, I just can't get excited about it. Last year was so much better, and I don't even understand why. I think some it has to do with the fact that at this time last year, I didn't know anybody, so it was so much easier to concentrate and focus. It makes perfect sense, because I started slacking off at the end of the year. But, still.

I absolutely love having spare with Jocelyne, I really think it's the highlight of my day. We actually did work! I finished my biology. After that we walked by Mikalina's class to taunt her. And show her the sign we made for her. HOLLA ATCHA, GURLFREIND! Oh god. After that we went to the Parrotdice shop, which was a waste of time. There weren't any parrots there! Jocelyne's imitation of a crazy parrot lady was ridiculous, though.

We didn't do anything in band again, so it was pretty sweet. I didn't really think that talking about how my brother expresses himself could be so funny! But now I have "nyi, nyi" stuck in my head. My cheeks really hurt from smiling. And now I owe Cailey $1.50 because I couldn't even last two minutes before smiling and cracking up. All because Jocelyne started talking. At least I won the $2.00 from Jocelyne because she laughed right before I started laughing.

Running sucked, but I will continue doing it and complaining about it. I hate running so much. And it was too hot today.

listening to: graveyard - chad vangaalen

the set would be made of cardboard

Today will consist of a phone call, going to church, listening to Chad VanGaalen, demoing a golf club, coloring a map, burning a CD, watching The Office, and panicking about biology.

I have a lot to look forward to.

why did you leave when you were returned

I worked today, and I am glad that I don't hate my job like my sister hates hers. The people are really nice, and it is really easy! Except for when people buy over a thousand dollars worth of stuff. Or grab clothing without tags. It's kind of weird, though, when random people say "Thanks, Allison". And I think, "how the hell did they know my name?" And I realize that I'm wearing a name tag. The "in training" part has its benefits, though!

i swear i'll make you forget all the rest

I actually feel like a loser for posting so many entries in one day, but I just can't stop. Sorry about the pointless things I've been saying.

You know what I don't like about the phone? How you can never know if the person on the other line will pick up or not. Or if they actually want to talk to you, and not just being polite. I hate the feeling of wasting their time when I call, because I know that when I talk on the phone, I can't do other things at the same time. I also can't stay in the same room when I'm on the phone. I always have to move around. Anyways. I don't like the awkward silences, when you're trying to think of things to say, and I don't like not knowing when the other person is going to talk, and so you end up interrupting what could have been something brilliant by saying the most unwitting, dumbest thing ever. When I was in junior high, I used to try to talk to one friend on the phone. At first, we would talk for long periods of time. After that, we kind of ran out of things to say. And then later, whenever I called her, she always said she was busy. I hate calling people when they are busy, and then your hopes of having a stimulating conversation are dashed.

One evening Heather called me, and I was actually trying to study biology because the unit test was the next day. I walked through every room in my house talking to her. And it was a really good conversation. One of those kinds where the words just roll off your tongue, and you don't even need to think about it. It was like a good song, where maybe you don't know all of the words, but you can remember the melody and the way it went, and that really happy feeling that inflates in your chest.

I kind of like phone calls.

listening to: lion's jaws - neko case

don't call me boring, it's just cause i like you

I don't think I can eat junk food anymore. It makes me feel guilty, and then my stomach hurts.

take me to the riot

"Bus Ride to School:
Non-emotion inducing - Books in tow, I board the bus. My fare clacks against the walls of the deposit box. I move my way over to a vacant seat and sit down. The buys continues its route, only stopping for new patrons, young and old. The bus comes to a sudden halt, and I step out of the bus. My day has begun.

Emotion inducing - Uneasily clutching my books to my chest, I board the bus. My face turns into a grimace as I get a whiff of the stale nachos and sweaty armpits. My fare clacks against the walls of the deposit box, which is as empty as my soul. The bus driver gives me a curt 'hello', but he doesn't mean it. Nobody means anything anymore, especially when their words are directed towards me. A single tear rolls down my cheek, landing on my swollen lips. I lick it, and I revel in the taste of my tear. I saunter towards the back of the bus, tripping over some idiot's feet. Why me? Can't they keep their feet to themselves? I sit alone. I grab my pocket knife and run the blade over my skin. A drop of blood falls to the floor. A slight smile graces my lips. That one beautiful drop of blood is a reminder that I am still living. The bus continues on its route, stopping only for patrons to board. As the bus fills, I find myself feeling more alone. I watch as a few preppy girls giggle joyously, and I have never before had such a strong desire to turn into a vampire, biting their necks with my fangs, just to suck the blood out of them and bring them over to the dark side. The lonely side. My side. The bus came to a halt, it was time for school. I sighed when I remembered that they do not teach anything useful in school, like Wicca or something to do with the occult, but instead teach calculus and physics. Interrupting my train of thought, the bane of my existence, a jock pushes me to the ground. My day has begun."

The best part is how I think my sister thinks this is totally serious.

Anyways, today was a pretty great day, I guess I should actually talk about it. Fridays are definitely going to be great. I hung out with Jocelyne during spare, because we both came in twenty minutes early for English. English was pretty much a blast, even though some kids in that class are douches. During lunch Jocelyne and I thought of more ridiculous ideas to make our English work even more melodramatic. Although we accomplished that, I didn't get to eat any of my lunch.

Bio was pretty good, the lab was pretty cool. Until Heather took my eraser. HOW DARE SHE?!?! No, I'm kidding. It was fun. "The slide looks pretty fishy". Yup.

I didn't die during cross country, and that was the only good thing about it. It was cold, and since I didn't eat any lunch my stomach hurt the entire time. Grace was nice enough to run with me again. I'm 98% sure she was running a lot slower than she normally would so then I wouldn't end up collapsing. Thanks, Grace.

one left a sweater sitting on the train and the other lost three fingers at the cannery

"Rainstorm:
Non-emotion inducing - Clouds gather together, and a clap of thunder rings through the sky, signaling that rainfall is imminent. Fat rain drops fall, drenching everything below.

Emotion inducing - Black, angry clouds gather together. The roar of thunder deafens the atmosphere, signaling that God's tears are about to pour. His sorrow brings hope to the parched geraniums. They eagerly open their petals towards the heavens, ready for that sweet, sweet taste of salvation. The rain falls, quenching their thirst. Hallelujah."

I LOVE English class with Jocelyne. Seriously. I can't wait until we finish our emotion inducing bus ride one. "My fare clacks against the walls of the deposit box, which is as empty as my soul ..." How can something so sad be so funny?

a calm heart will break when given a shake

My first class today starts at 10:20, my mom is driving me at 9:20, I woke up at 7:00. There's something wrong with this.

I don't even understand why I woke up so early today, I just feel so anxious all the time. And worried. I'm worried that this year I will start to slack off, and I won't pay attention, and my grades will start to slip. Because I've already gone through two days zoning out. I'm worried that after I join too many after school activities, I won't get my priorities straight. There are so many other things that I worry about too, that are so irrational and silly, but yet I still can't stop worrying and thinking. My stomach has been twisting ever since yesterday, kind of like how it would whenever I had a piano exam. I can't get a good sleep anymore, because I either spend all night with my brain turned on, or I have a dream that suddenly turns into anxiety and wakes me up too early. I need to stop this, and get a grip.

But anyways, I think today will be a good day?

the girl with colitis walks by

"This is a lovely day for cozy conversations with friends and groups, especially female acquaintances. Even though it's not a great day for doing important business deals or major expenditures, dialogue with others will flow freely. In fact, others might confide secrets and heartfelt stories."

I don't normally believe in horoscopes, but today's seemed pretty true. Heather and Abbey took me out for lunch, which was eventful, and could be a entry of its own, but everybody who reads this blog was at lunch, so I don't necessarily need to describe it. But after lunch, I guess I can talk about. It turned out that I did not have chemistry after lunch, but band, so it wasn't a big deal that I was late because we weren't doing anything anyways. In fact, we got forty minutes to do whatever we wanted, so Jocelyne played her iPod on her iPod speakers. I don't know how she does it, but she makes me laugh no matter what. Today, it was by singing - word by word - basically every song played. We just sat there and laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Especially when she did "Baby Got Back".

I finally got my courses changed today during Chemistry, which was good because we were doing review, and it was really boring. Also, it was fun to laugh at Henry because he was bored to death by chemistry too and wanted to switch out, and I got to do it first. I have a different social studies class now. And I have Bio AP! And a spare! A spare with Jocelyne! My schedule is amazing, A-M-A-zing.

I think I've been joining things and such simply so then I can socialize. Like, cross country, I wanted to go to Banff so then I could hang out with Grace. Who, by the way, I didn't see all day, so I couldn't give her the card. And I can't go to Banff, because all of the spots are filled out and it sucks!

Well, anyways, I joined choir.

My mom made an awesome dinner. I get to have cake tonight. My younger sister got me The Reminder. My brother supposedly got me Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. And my older sister got me season one of The Office. Which means I now have all three seasons! Abbey, we are going to have an Office marathon so you can watch it, like how I said we should a long time ago.

recite your lines, and i'll quote scriptures

Every time I talked to someone new today, it was almost like a new adventure. Jocelyne and I talked about band camp, we have so many plans! She is going to bring her iPod portable speakers! I am going to bring my iPod. Jocelyne, Tamara, and I are all going to bring our laptops, and we are going to watch three movies at the same time. This band camp is going to be so much more amazing, since this year I actually know people, and I am going to be in the same cabin as so many people who could kill me from laughing. Although I don't really want to die. But I do love laughing.

I saw Grace today! She ran with me today at cross country, and it was nice catching up with her. I did not know she had a sister! I thought it was really nice that she ran with me, because she is a running tank and I haven't run since spring league basketball. Plus, I am not strong at long distance running. Sprinting in basketball, yes. Sprinting, maybe. But running in general? I don't like it. I don't like running simply for running, it is not something I enjoy, like Grace. Maybe after a month or so, I'll enjoy it, but I haven't been able to yet. It's going to be so good for basketball, though. I'm excited for basketball! I am going to prepare so hard for basketball, I really want to be on the team.

The bus ride home with Angela was really great. I haven't had as many thoughts translate into words like I did during that fifteen minutes in a while. I look up when I'm trying to think of words to say, it's really weird because I don't think I did that before. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I don't know if I'm going to do anything, or if anyone wants to do something with me, but I am excited!

Classes today were pretty good. English class was great, and it is so much fun to have so many of my friends in one class. This hasn't happened in a while! Some band people are so pretentious, though, god. When you answer a question, you do not need to fit in as many words possible. And your ten dollar words really make me want to punch you in the mouth. But Jocelyne ... "I don't know, I DON'T LIKE POETRY!" I'm sorry that you had to look for me during the entire lunch period.

I know at least one person in each of my classes, it's really cool! Too bad that all of my classes are going to get changed tomorrow, except for English/band. Like, holy cow! I am glad I talked to the AP teacher today, it made me feel so much more assured. I thought it was amusing, though, when she asked me who my science 10 teacher was.

She was my science 10 teacher.

But, anyways, Bio AP. I think I am going to drop chemistry and take it next year, so then I'll have a spare so I can get myself more time. Although my dad says I shouldn't, and leave the spare until next year. But next year I won't have bio, so that doesn't make sense. I think I convinced him, though. Maybe Physics AP next year too? Or Math 31? Or, PHYSICAL EDUCATION!! The choices are endless!!

The thing I am most excited about for Bio AP is that extra spot beside Grace and Heather that's "saved" for me. Well, not really saved. It's kind of funny how I don't care at all that my other classes are being switched, because those two are in that class.

My birthday is tomorrow! I have to make Grace her half-a-year-since-her-birthday-plus-two-days card! I am half hoping that Jocelyne and Leslie do buy me balloons, because that would be awesome, but I know that won't happen. But still!

I have so many other things to say, but this post is really long enough. For another post! Stay tuned!

that's what i said, it's not what i mean

I didn't get my courses changed today, I have to wait until they "call us by groups". But that meant that I was at the school thee hours too early, and I didn't feel like going home, so I went for a walk. To Kensington. From the school. It killed a lot of time, but the shoes I was wearing weren't good for walking, and my feet hurt a lot now. It was nice to be alone, with just my music. Actually, I'm alone most of the time, but it still felt good. Self confidence is definitely something I lack, and I decided that I am going to try to give myself more credit. Because right now I'm just hurting myself, and it's just really stupid and immature.

It was really nice to see everyone again, although I didn't get to talk to some people I wanted to talk to. My locker is on the first floor this year, which is a plus, and my friends' locker is on the second, and that's a plus too because then I can use it whenever I need to catch the bus. Which, I guess, is every day. I skipped out on cross country today, but my friend said that the actual practice was tomorrow, which is good because my feet weren't up for running (see above). I went to Starbucks with Andrea and some of my other friends, and Andrea bought me a lemonade, which was really nice. And, she walked with me back to the school! I had a lot of fun talking with her. I feel guilty about not being able to go to her Calaway Park shows.

I got back to the school for the CALM meeting, and it turned out that it was only for semester one CALM, and that sucked. It would have been a lot better if I didn't have to waste the two and a half hours. I could have talked to more people! Or hang out somewhere! Or go back home! But that's OK.

My family and I are going out for dinner tonight, and my sister has to go to soccer practice during, so she's in a fuss. She's complaining about how the food is going to be all cold by the time she gets there. I figure it won't be that bad; we could eat all of the food before she gets to the restaurant, and that's what she should be worrying about. We're going out because my birthday is soon. Did I mention that my birthday is on Thursday?

listening to: samson - regina spektor

i would hope for a true love

Today is the last day of summer, last day before school starts and I no longer have the freedom (or the air of freedom) I've had the past three months. I'm still worried about the AP fiasco, and I'm hoping that I get in, but I guess I'll get that all figured out tomorrow. The first cross country meeting is tomorrow, too, which I wasn't expecting. I guess I'll go out; after all, what is there really to lose? Maybe some time, but hey, it'll have its rewards. I'm just worried that I'll end up dying on a hill, because I haven't run since basketball ended, and god, I wasn't even in very good shape back then.

Chad VanGaalen's Sled Island performance was recorded by CBC Radio One, on its program The Key of A, which runs every Saturday from 5:00 - 6:00 pm. So, after many, many, many Saturdays, they are playing it this Saturday, September 8th. I found myself an streaming recorder, so now I will be able to listen to it time and time again! Also, if I end up having to work during the show, I will still be able to listen to it! Marvel at my ingenuity!

do you like him dried out like seaweed

"So tell me about yourself, and how you like to dream about the ocean. Does it make you want to believe in anything at all, like me?"

It feels like everything has changed, like you realized that having a conversation with me was at the bottom of your priorities. I know we see things differently, but why does that mean that you can't still tell me about your life? I'm not upset, I'm just confused.

You may not think it's that way, but when I have to start every conversation I have, I start to get the feeling that people don't want to talk to me.

listening to: the electric version - the new pornographers

did i miss out on you

What if every time you had a new thought, it would just stick onto another part of your body? And when there was no more space to add another thought, it would just layer over another thought, so then your thoughts would connect? The thoughts that meant the most would stick to your heart, and the thoughts you wanted to let out would be in your throat, until you could spit it out. Thoughts that were sad would be on your eyeballs, so at the right moment they could spill out as tears. You would never have to try to explain your thoughts, because people could just X-Ray you and be able to see all of your thoughts.

I'd want to turn myself inside and out.

5386 days.

listening to: leisure suite - feist

so succexy

I guess the timing was right?

i'm never going to sleep

I never realized that my old version of Gubbbish wasn't a full version, and that it actually cut off after 45 seconds! I'm listening to it right now, and damn, I missed out on something good for the past two months. Also, now I realize how it could be featured on The O.C. When Heather told me about that, I thought to myself, "Why would they put on a 45 second song on their show?" Well, now I know.

My family and I went to a relative's 50th birthday party today. I didn't exactly have a great time. There were only adults and kids there. My sister and I kind of hung out together, I guess. I chatted it up with this guy bussing discarded bottles every time he came around. Apparently he was a chef, and thought he was cooking today, but they put him on bussing duties instead. The first time he came by, he said that he needed empty bottles and stuff so he could be busy. I ended up drinking three bottle of water.

listening to: see-thru-skin - chad vangaalen

quit talking just for talking, please

Click here for my pictures from Vancouver and Seattle, because they describe my vacation way more than words.

Yesterday my computer made my iPod clear all of my songs ... twice. I think it was a sign to update my iPod. So I've gotten rid of a lot of artists, and songs, and right now I don't miss them but maybe someday I will. It's hard to realize what songs you're missing when you have 805. So bye, Franz Ferdinand, Ambulance LTD., and Belle and Sebastian. Hello, The Unicorns, The Most Serene Republic, and Grizzly Bear. Oh, and for the first time ever, I have album art for every single song in my iPod. Every one. I love it when it's like that.

I had my first official day at work today, it was enjoyable. I like the people I work with. It gets overwhelming sometimes, though.

And I didn't go into AP, so both of my parents are disappointed in me. Guess who's trying to get into AP now. I don't even really know why I didn't try to get in in the first place. I didn't realize there were tests to get into AP until 10 minutes before the tests, so I didn't go for it. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I don't want to apply myself. But now that I look back, it was a stupid decision. I'm a mess. My dad said to me earlier today, "why don't you believe in yourself? What happened to your self confidence?"

Frankly, I didn't even know I had it in the first place.

listening to: ballad of a comeback kid - the new pornographers