you were made for love, well i'm just made

People left my house a while ago, but I'm still radiating happiness from how this evening went down. It was supposed to be a Wii party, but we ended up playing Wii for a very short period of time. People tried to guess who I was in the pictures, Diana was wrong for the most recent picture. They looked at my room and laughed at how I owned basically nothing in it. We ate my mom's macaroni and cheese, and all of the chips, and the popcorn, and the cake. We played charades, which was really fun, and talked about really awkward things. We just talked, and Facebooked, and I had a really good time. I wish I could people over at my house more often.

Oh, and I'm trying to say "th". I've never felt so self-conscious about it, but suddenly I notice every time I have to say it and how bad it sounds.

you're a ghost

So this is the official 100th post, so this will have to equate epic .. ness. Today was decent, I guess. On the way to school, 1 2 3 4 by Feist came on the radio, which was awesome because firstly it just might be my favorite song, and I never hear it on the radio. I've never heard any Feist on the radio at all. So anyways, I took that as a sign that today would be a good day. So during English, it was Aidan's and Hailey's project, and I know it's harsh, but it wasn't really that exciting. I was hoping for a game show because it pumps me up and makes me really excited, but they had a group discussion instead, which was unfortunate. Pam and Monica's project, though, had a game show and for every right answer you got a brownie! Ultimately awesome. Plus, their setup was amazing, and Pam let us have the silhouettes for our project, because the images Jocelyne got for us were hilariously terrible. But anyways. After I won two brownies, everyone said that I shouldn't be allowed anymore, which I think was unfair because why should I get punished for being knowledgeable? After that, we got to work on our projects, and we went through ours and decided it was pretty good. The student teacher yelled at me a whole bunch of times because I was talking and high fiving. Since when was that a bad thing? I just like being loud because it invokes my emotions. Bio and social studies really brought me down, just the learning process. I really didn't get what was happening, nothing really clicked for me. I'm glad you care, and that you actually noticed because I barely noticed myself. You're a really nice guy, I'm glad we met and that we're friends, and that nothing will be changing because right now everything is perfect as is. I really hope everything stays the same, because I have this problem where I let people close to me just slip away for no reason. I guess it's kind of like my music. For a long period of time, I will be in love with a band or a song, and then one day I'll just wake up and it'll sound exactly the same, but my brain won't appreciate it anymore. I'm really sorry that I'm just pushing things aside for certain people, and that I don't have my priorities straight. I wish that I didn't stack people up and that there was enough time in a day to spend an equal amount of time with everybody. I wish there was a day where everybody did nothing so if you called somebody and said, "hey, are you busy today?" they'd say, "heinz no, you want to hang out?" and it would be perfect. I've been trying really hard to create lyrics the past days, I can't believe how hard it is to make my words not sound like shit. Right now everything I think of sounds cheesy and over processed. Yesterday I wrote something, and by the time I had submitted it, I had edited it so many times some parts didn't really make sense, but I kind of liked it and I hope other people like it too. I wish my mind could see everything like that, like if I was wearing 3D glasses. I could see every single layer of the simplest object and see just how it connects to your mind. I wish I could write the simplest things that could just break your heart, I always loved things done simply. I have to think of a secret to post for the Iconographer's Postsecret, but the thing is that I have so many secrets. But none of them are interesting, or I'm too scared to say them. The thing I'm most afraid of is that I'll end up posting something really dishonest. But anyways. I want to write something like Final Fantasy or Chad VanGaalen, their lyrics are absolutely amazing. I looked them up all during work on Saturday to try to get some inspiration, but it didn't work. I want to write something about morse code, or falling stars, or black ink. Something insignificant that you have to look further into, but I'm not good enough for that. Wait! Stop! Stop thinking like that. Actually, I think my self deprecating has decreased by a lot, or maybe I've just stopped showing it outwardly as much, because sometimes when I can't fall asleep at night I count all of my flaws, multiply them and divide them by all the mistakes I've made.

listening to: set yourself on fire - stars

i bet you look good on the dance floor

Today was extremely great, well maybe not the school part but the after school part. I went to Gavin's house, and it was really nice. I learned some stuff about him from someone else which probably should have changed my mind about things, but unfortunately it didn't and still I feel like an idiot. But anyways. Drumming was fun, I haven't done it in such a long time. It sounded good to play with an actual band. They were pretty good! A lot better than I expected.

Gavin drove me to the theatre, and it was the first time I ever let a friend drive me somewhere. I was so paranoid I was going to die, no joke. Also, tonight was the first time in a guy's room, I am not lying. His house is nice. But anyways. I met with Leslie, Diana, Hailey, Jocelyne, and Cailey and everything worked out perfectly. During the movie, a old man behind us shushed Cailey and I and that was really funny. What are you doing watching Enchanted, old man? Just kidding.

Enchanted was actually a good movie, even though it was a kid movie. It was so funny, it made me laugh a lot. Actually, it made all of us laugh a lot. At one part, Jocelyne and Hailey burst out in the loudest laughter ever, and they were pretty much the only ones laughing. And then at another part, Hailey screamed even though it wasn't scary. How classic. After the movie we went to Starbucks, and we talked. Cailey and I were the last ones to get picked up, and we had a good talk. Tonight was just such a friendly night.

I'm excited for everything coming up. Peasant clothing on Sunday! Clothes swapping party that night! Wii party! Game night! Disney movie night! Christmas movie night! God I love it so much, I can't wait and I really hope all of this actually happens.

the trees are so quiet

This is post number one hundred, it took me six months but here it is *EDIT, NOT ACTUALLY MY 100th, BLOGGER DECEIVED ME*. I'm going to try to make this as substantial as possible, and try to make this worth your time. Because apparently people from Massachusetts and Spain and India are randomly stumbling across this, and commenting on the correct grammar of my blog name! Exciting. Lately I've been having a lapse of creativity. Maybe I just don't know how to make words sound nice anymore. I've been trying to think so something to submit, but nothing has sparked. I even began recording my dreams, so I could remember them, but they haven't been very interesting. So far I've been to the movies but haven't watched one, lived in a hotel, talked to two people I just met this year, and watched a game of basketball being played in a basement by six year olds. There has definitely been nothing there to write about. Last night I spent three hours finishing my social studies, and I thought that was pretty brutal. Especially since all I had to do was write out a letter being written by a Canadian soldier during world war i, and I already had it typed out on the computer. But no, I had to stain the paper, write it out in handwriting, and then outline it. Boo for me. Hopefully it scores us a hundred, or else I'm thinking that Catrin might murder me. I'm not sure if I want to use paragraphs in this post. Paragraphs always break thoughts, but I just want to have all of my thoughts connected together by bits of yarn. Colourful yarn, with red and blue and green and purple and any other colour out there. Today in bio we did yet another lab, and now I just remembered that I have a quiz tomorrow. But anyways, during the lab our specimen died. And then when we tried to redo the lab, the next one died. It was depressing. But then I got to learn a little more about some of my peers. Like that Kim swims 8 times a week, in the morning and after school! Now that's intense. I like Kim. She's very quiet, but she's good company. Tomorrow I might be playing drums for my friend, and I think some of my other friends are going to crash it, except I'm not even sure if I can go because after I told my mom she got cranky. My family bewilders me sometimes. But anyways. My friend is going to invite my friend's girlfriend to come too, which sucks because I still like him and I have to admit, it hurts to see them together. I should definitely try to stop liking him, but it's hard. I wish there was a power button where you can just shut down certain parts of your emotions. Like a robot. In grade eight, these two guys in my class kept saying that they thought I was a robot because I was "so smart". And they had a whole bunch of other reasons why they came to that conclusion. It was pretty weird. I didn't like grade eight that much. My power cord sucks, so the power stops reaching the battery constantly, causing the screen to flicker. It also doesn't help that my mom unplugged the cord when my computer was on, for some reason, during the day, so the computer died, and so a pop up message keeps telling me that I should connect to a power outlet. I was supposed to get a new phone today, I'm not sure if my dad managed to do it or not but I really doubt it. Now I will have to wait another month to get the phone. I am so tired of waiting. I hate waiting for anything. If things were shorter, there would be less of a chance for something to go wrong. Kind of like what the student teacher in English said, that for short answers the less you write the more chance it would be 100% right, and then as you keep going on, you start getting off topic and eventually you have a wrong answer. That happened to me for one question on the test, but then she let me have the point. Maybe it's because I argued, because I definitely don't think she likes me. I talk too much during English class. Good thing we have band class instead of English tomorrow. Today's band class went by pretty fast, probably because I spent any time I wasn't playing copying down cues and cuts for Beauty and the Beast from Aidan's book. I didn't manage to eat my lunch until the end of band class, which was basically near the end of school. And Hailey ate almost all of the banana bread my mom made for me, with chocolate chips, and that made me so angry because I don't understand why someone would be such a jerk. Even if she is my friend. My sister makes me irritated too, like if you didn't know the person who was picking up your sister, why would you ask your sister for a ride? WHY? I'm so busy all of the time. I should be doing my biology lab right now, but I figure I'll do it during my spare tomorrow. I am going to be so screwed next semester without a spare, seriously. I'll be like, "oh I've got time tomorrow, WHAT, I have math this period?" And then I'll fail grade 11 and then I will never make it to university and become the doctor I know my mom wants me to be. But anyways. I'm free next Tuesday, by the way, if anyone misses me. Which I doubt.

Anyways, 98th post. Who actually reads these?

listening to: that's when the audience died (live) - final fantasy

living rent free is boring me

I didn't make the junior team, all because of timing. That hurt a lot, but I guess what's mean to be is meant to be. What sucks though, is that some of the girls weren't even that good, and I could have totally made it, but because she didn't have enough time to see how I played I didn't make it. It really sucks, but at least I have more time for other things. I can be relieved, but so disappointed. My self esteem has just been crushed twice in a row.

But anyways, other than that, today was decent. During English, Tamara and I counted how many times the word "like" was used. Like, 130 times. It was amusing, and it definitely passed the time. During biology, we had a sub who told us that after we finished our lab, we could leave, so everyone tried to finish as fast as possible. Too bad I had band after school. But it was fun hanging around with Kim and Alyssa. And band was fun, I don't know why. I got a sizzle, and it was one of nicest anonymous messages I have ever received.

Some things are falling apart.

all i ask for is a warm body to keep this winter from killing me

Oh snap, I didn't make the team, but that's alright. I mean, it still sucks, but I guess I was kind of expecting it. The thing is, they kept twelve people, and I think (and some other people, I guess) I would have been number thirteen. But oh well. I'm going to try out for the junior team, so if you're my friend, you should come to games. Show support! The good things that would come with being on the junior team would have to be the lack of morning practices. And the lack of practices at a different school. However, I'm still worrying about balancing my time. Why do I succumb to peer pressure?

Speaking of peer pressure, we made Tamara get Facebook, or at least get it as soon as possible. "Even Grace has it! Even Aidan has it! ... Even MR. PADDOCK has it!" It was fun. Band today was pretty fun, even though Mr. Elephant Man seemed extremely frustrated with us. It probably has to do with the fact that we really sounded bad. So bad. But we sat in the circle of safety, and so I sat beside Cailey and Henry today, and we had a lot of fun fooling around with the triangle, and with the triangle beaters, and laughing at things that made Mr. Elephant Man even more angry. Oh man. Band is good when it's like this. I was really expecting wind ensemble to be really fun today, and I guess it kind of was watching Dallan play the drums, and him and Sam trying to play one person per drum stick. I didn't get to play at all, though. I think that my social studies essay went pretty well. I am really, really, really hoping I did well.

I can't believe it's only Tuesday, it feels like it should be the weekend soon.

broken hearts last for a million years

Today was busy, but I don't know if it was exciting. Basketball tryouts started today, and I don't think I did extremely well. I spend too much time comparing myself to other people, I spend too much time worrying. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will prove that I am capable of not sucking. But I'm not even that sure if I want to play basketball anymore. After all, it will take up so much time that I barely have. Basketball in the morning, basketball in the evening. It's hectic. Also, I don't think that one of the coaches likes me very much. She always has something to say about what I'm doing. Maybe I'm just doing everything wrong.

After school I put up posters for The Iconographer, all by myself. It felt kind of weird, as if I was putting up a bit of myself, giving a part of my soul away. Even though they were photocopied. The repetitive motion of putting up tape, and then slapping on the papers onto the walls nearly drove me insane.

they can see us waving from such great heights

The gaps between my posts have gotten longer and longer, I'm sorry about that. I've just been busy, or I don't know what I want to write in here. Lately I've been having a creativity back flow, kind of. I've been drawing more than I have been writing. And right now I should be studying for the social studies test I am about to have tomorrow, but then I got distracted. Actually, I told myself that at 1:00 I'd start studying. And then it turned to 2:00. And then 5:00. And then it was after I finished dinner. So far I've written down five bullets of notes. Success.

Even right now I don't know what to say. My days have become too detailed to describe. Yesterday I worked, and I bought myself a new backpack that cost me nothing, because I used the money I got from Golf Town by exchanging balls I won from a tournament in the summer for a gift card. I barely worked at the till, I tried apparel. It's extremely monotonous, but I guess it wasn't bad being able to walk around and talk to some of the guys. Also, I taught Adam some Chinese, and he actually picked it up pretty easily. Then he forgot it all.

Friday was a good day, I went to Heather's house and we watched Bambi. That movie is crazy! What kind of kid would want to watch a movie with animals getting shot and forest fires endangering the wildlife? But it was nice. "You can call me Flower, I don't mind". After that I spent over an hour getting home. I got to walk home in the dark.

listening to: more adventurous - rilo kiley

my loneliness is killing me

The show was really good, that's all I have to say for today. Which is kind of a shame, since I wrote so much yesterday. Maybe today's just not a writing day, maybe today's a sit-back-and-relax-and-just-observe-everything-around-you kind of day. I felt like it was that kind of day. I had a good spare with someone I don't normally hang out with, and it was really nice. She's really nice. It's like a new sense of scenery. Or maybe like living in a new city. Or, at least vacationing at one. I get to tell the same stories I've told, it's good because I've started to run out of new ones.

But anyways. It's late and I'm tired.

calling from the next hotel, can you put me on the list

I always think of a sentence that is brilliant and powerful that express my thoughts perfectly, but then I ruin it with every single other word I put down. I wish I could remember my dreams, I should start writing them down. I should have a notepad right beside my bed, so whenever I get jolted awake I can scribble down anything, I wonder if anything would make sense? What if you could have a machine that could write down everything you were thinking about when you were sleeping? Everything I think about always seems perfect when it first pops into my head, and then I have to over analyze everything and refine it until there's nothing but scraps. I want to remember that I had a dream. I can never remember anything, too many other things cloud my mind. Sometimes I try to say whatever I think, but then something stops me from thinking, or I think about the thoughts before I write them down and I realize how stupid they are. I wonder how thoughts just spontaneously show up, how do I think about these things before I write them? What stimulates them? Why do I write this this this this this over again, why did I want to? Should I delete this part? I don't feel like it. Every thing's a question right now. Why is that? How is that? I want to write notes, I think I'm going to write some that need no replying, there is too much pressure to writing notes now. Maybe I put too much pressure on people. Take all the time you need. I could wait forever. I miss a lot of people. I wish I didn't try so hard, do I seem like I try too hard all the time? I think that it's too hard to stay connected with everybody. It's like you're attached to a whole bunch a strings, and when you have too many that are all over the place, they make it so you can't even move at all. Maybe sometimes you just have to cut some strings for a second to retie some other strings, and then you can attach yourself back to the other string. What if every thing is connected by invisible strings? Like spider webs. What if God is a spider? Is there a God? I never know anymore, I don't even think about it anymore. I don't think I ever believed in God, there are too many things to doubt. I'm a bad Christian. But if I don't believe in God, am I a Christian? Or am I a Catholic? I could never remember. But anyways. It always feels like I have to many commitments, too many promises to so many people to do things that aren't even said. I feel so guilty for not hanging out with the people I hung out with last year, they were so nice and they were there when I didn't have anybody. Maybe I should hang out with them sometime soon. But then I always feel like I have to hang out with my other friends. Maybe one day I should just eat alone. But I hate being lonely. Is it lonely if you decide to be alone? Sometimes I like being alone. I don't like being alone because I had to be. There's just been too much experience with that topic. I miss Heather. And I miss Abbey. I miss being the way I used to be, sometimes I just feel like the biggest jerk. Like when I sprayed Alyssa with the eyedroppers the other day, I'm sorry for that, I don't know I do stuff before I think and after I just feel like the biggest asshole ever. Am I an asshole? Nobody replies to my posts anymore. Are you reading this? If you are reading this I miss you so much, you can't even imagine. Sometimes I rack my brain thinking about all the things we used to do, and what changed. Why don't we spend class time talking? Have I changed? Do I change without even noticing? That was a problem before. Have you changed? I can't even tell. Do you know if the "you" is supposed to be you? Do I know? Did we run out of things to say to each other? Because if we have, I want to cry. I thought that we'd never, ever run out of things to say. That it was like a waterfall, and that things would just always keep coming. Maybe the spring at the top was always refilled with my tears? I've stopped feeling sad, that gets less and less lately. Maybe the spring is drying up, and that's why there's nothing flowing lately. Why is it easier to talk when something is wrong? Why is it boring to be happy? Over the span of the weekend I tried to tell someone the one thing that was troubling me, but I couldn't. I don't even know why. The words would be there, but then something wouldn't let me say it. My right hand is falling asleep right now, it's getting hard to type. I still like him, why is he still so nice to me? Why does it still seem like he has feelings for me? It's not fair. I should just be able to stop, so then I can stop thinking about him non stop, and so I can stop thinking all these terrible thoughts that have to do with breaking up, because it's not his fault, it's not her fault, it's my fault for getting to know him I guess. Maybe I'm just delusional and thinking that something is there when really there is nothing at all. I hate sounding like a clingy, emotional girl. I never liked it. I remember when I used to hate talking about how I felt, how everything had to be bottled up. I wish you were here so I could tell you everything I needed to, it seems like we never have the time or privacy to do so. The last time when we got overheard was a bit awkward. Maybe I did want her to hear, I don't know? I want to stop being busy, I want to start having time so you and I could use it. This Friday I'm free. That's the only day, please be free that day, please, either of you. Let's do some catching up, I don't like falling behind.

listening to: that's when the audience died - final fantasy

learning to laugh and not ask why

There isn't enough time in a day,

everyone should set their clocks an hour back daily.

Then you could write a letter to a dead friend.

Or jump on a trampoline.

Or tell someone how much you love them

with that extra time.

The average life span would be shorter, but at least we could say we lived.

losing your mind for the sake of your heart

Those words might have been the sweetest things ever said to me, too bad they were so heart breaking. Tomorrow I'm leaving and I am excited, overnight trips are absolutely the best kind of trips, especially since Leslie is coming too. I really like Leslie! I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait. Maybe it'll give me some time to think things over.

that's what she said, that's what she said

Everything has just gotten harder and harder as time goes by, nothing is going the way I expected them to go. I've been studying ever since I got home. I am just so tired of reading, and writing, and trying to learn. I'm getting tired of trying to please people, and trying to live up to expectations. I hate how I can't live up to anyone's expectations anymore. I used to be so good at this. I used to be able to concentrate, I used to know all of the answers. It feels like I don't know anything anymore, and that I'm just copying off of everyone else. I am tired.

You and I have to hang out some day soon. You know I love the sound of your voice. I miss talking to you, it feels like forever even though we see each other every single day. Our conversations don't feel like enough. It feels like nothing is going right, and that even though we're talking, we haven't talked. We must find a day! We must someday do a scavenger hunt in a mall. Or, just sit in a cramped corner and confess every single thing that is troubling us. A lot of things are troubling me these days. A lot of things are disappointing me.

watching you turn from me towards your friends

WHY AM I LIKE THIS RIGHT NOW? It's nothing. I feel like an idiot. It's nothing ...
Fuck feelings.

when we started, both broken hearted

Whenever I go to the washroom, I read everything girls wrote on the walls. I always wonder what compels them to write on the wall, and how they decide what to write. It reminds me of the silent debates we do in social studies, because then other girls add arrows to things written and add their own comments. Do the writers come back and check to see what's been written?

I would probably write,
"My heart pounds loud, but my brain thinks louder."

illuminate the 'no's on their vacancy signs

Oh dang, I haven't been updating this blog as much as I usually do. Either yesterday or the day before, I had something really witty or observational to say, but I forgot it.

And now I'm not so witty.

It was a long day at school today. Thursdays are so long now because of Wind Ensemble and Beauty and the Beast. It's actually scary about much music is engulfing my life right now. I'm still considering doing set drums for someone, I don't know. I don't know if it's sincerely because I want to, or if it's because of other obvious reasons. If it's for the latter, then I just shouldn't do it because that's stupid and so typically what a girl would do. And I don't like to stereotype. Wow, that did not make sense.

It was Henry's birthday yesterday, so today I sang Happy Birthday to him today, standing on a chair, in Chinese. Sometimes I wonder why I am so ridiculous, and if I am obnoxious, and if I'm just like everyone I dislike but I just can't see it.