i'm so tired of being lonely

I guess my ex-boyfriend gets a category of his own, only because he had such a huge impact on my life. I’ve never really talked about this to anyone, because I hate sounding like a giddy girl who doesn’t care about anything else, but for some reason I find writing this here safe. For some reason, I feel like I need to write this out. Have you ever wished that someone would ask you what you were thinking? Because if someone ever asked me that, instead of “what’s up?” or “how are you?”, then I’d tell them that I was thinking about him, all the time. Even now, it’s still like that, and that is the reason why he is such an important part of my life. He broke up with me a couple weeks ago, with the reason that he didn’t want a relationship, and that right now was not the right time. We only dated for three months, but it felt like we just had a longer relationship, except condensed. I spent almost every day I could with him, and I believe that I loved him. I have only ever dated two people in my life, and so nothing compared to the way I felt about him. We talked every day. I told him all of my secrets, my thoughts, and my feelings. I loved being around him all the time, just to hear his voice, or feel his touch. I couldn’t see myself without him. One day, when I did doubt our relationship, he told me not to doubt him, and that he loved me, and that we’d be together for a long time. But here we are now, separate. I never saw this coming, and it hurts so much. I guess a part of life is adjusting, and I should accept this loss and move on, and so right now I am trying as hard as I can to be happy. Another characteristic about me is that I tend to hide things on the inside. I don’t trust people enough to tell them how I feel; he was the only exception. Now, I work so hard to act like I’m okay, even though on the inside it really doesn’t feel that way. Another way this event has affected me is that it has made me so extremely self-conscious. Every day, I start thinking about the reasons why he could have done this to me, and then I start thinking of all my flaws, and it justifies his actions.

I wrote this on September 23, as part of my autobiography in CALM.  It's all still true.  I'm sorry this blog has turned into this.