Do you ever get that feeling when you're in pain but you like it anyways? Like when you have that fresh bruise on your knee, and you constantly lean against it or press it just to feel how much it hurts? I guess that's the way you have to accept emotional pain. Because the way I see it, the only way you can truly hurt from somebody is if you truly loved them. If you never cared, what loss is it to you? You may feel bad for not quite being the person they wanted, but you never experience that blinding, throbbing pain that never quite goes away. The kind that keeps you up at night and makes you wonder where you went wrong. If you didn't love someone, they would never be able to break your heart simply because you never gave it to them in the first place.
I guess I've been thinking about this stuff more and more lately. I'll admit, these days I'm on the verge of giving up on everything. I am stressed out and I'm back to square one where I really need a good cry. There are a lot of times when the past comes up and I realize how much I miss it. I am so immature that I can't cope with this. I am always racking my brain, trying to figure out what I did wrong that would make me undesireable.
But I'm still trying to remind myself of the positive side to all of this. Before last June, I was afraid to love anyone. I was afraid of this kind of hurt, of heartbreak and depending so much on somebody to make you happy. But then it happened, and those past three months were honestly the three best months of my life. There is no better feeling than investing your love in someone and having it returned. It was amazing to experience, regardless of the fact that it ended. I also think of the fact that even if I didn't go for it, if we didn't go through with all of this .. I'd still be in some sort of bind where I'd have a terrible crush on him and be left with this sort of want and longing. This pain is just a reminder that I loved. And what is a life where you don't get hurt at least once?
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