I never know why I always answer "fine" when asked how I'm feeling. I don't feel anything but fine. I feel uneasy, restless, tired, sad. There are so many things other than "fine" that I'm feeling, but I have no need to feel these things. All signs lead to fine, but I'm not. I'm not fine.
Everything's such a contradiction now. I want to hang out with people, but I want to be alone. I want more time, but I want the days to go by faster. I'm so happy, but with the most crippling feeling of dispair that sometimes it blinds me and I can't see anything but the wrong. I feel like I know the things I should know, yet it never shows itself on tests. I am such a huge hypocrite. My mind wages battle on itself, coming up with ideas and plans and then going back on them and acting in a completely opposite way. I want somebody to know and understand but I don't want to tell anyone about my problems. My mind has created its own artifical drought, and my supply of thoughts has been cut off. I'm choking. And this is all wrong. I keep telling myself that life is good, yet I don't see any good. I am a waste of so much. I feel so unneeded in disregarded by everyone, like I'm an accessory that's worn only when needed to highlight something else. And there's nobody who knows me enough to know that I'm not fine. It feels like all of this self-loathing is written on my face, and echoing from inside my mind, but nobody's reading hard enough; nobody's quiet enough to listen. I am such an awful person. It almost feels like I'm trying to conjure up more and more problems to weigh me down, but I'm not; it's like if an atomic bomb was dropped into my mind, immediately destroying everything in sight, and then seeping into everything else, slowing creating dangerous effects that grow after time. This is the worst feeling. I need to get out of my mind, or figure out what's wrong. I need to fix myself.
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